It's My Life (6 page)

And anyway, now that I'm back home in my room, do you know what I think? I think God did a real, live miracle tonight! And I'm so amazed that I actually feel like I'm tingling from the inside out. And all I want to do is keep thanking God and praising Him for this unbelievable evening. But first I have to try calling Beanie again!

Well, I cannot possibly
go to sleep until I get the rest of this down.

I got hold of Beanie, finally, and she was totally flabbergasted when I told her everything that happened with Zach (in detail!). She kept asking me if I was making the whole thing up. And to be honest, I almost wondered about it myself, but I know it's true. Anyway, we talked until almost midnight, and I can't even remember the last time I've heard such pure joy in her voice. But what I treasured most about our conversation was the last things she said to me before we hung up.

“Caitlin,” she said, “I could tell that you were really down on Zach before, and I don't blame you at all. I mean, sheesh, I should've been down on him myself. But I realize the reason you were so ticked at him was because you care about me.”

“That's exactly right!” I said.

“And anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that even if Zach and I do become friends again, I will never, ever make the same mistakes I made last time. Because when I promised God last June to abstain from sex until marriage, I really, truly meant it. And I still do. And even though I am not technically considered a virgin anymore, I've been praying that God would make me a virgin again, at least in my heart, and I've been really trying to believe that He can do that.”

“I believe He can do that, Beanie! And honestly, after tonight and after talking with Zach, I really believe God can do all kinds of miracles.
I really do
!”

“Me too, Cate.” And I could just hear the big, old smile in her voice. Then we said good night and promised to get together tomorrow after work. Beanie's not sure exactly what she'll do with regard to Zach just yet, and she doesn't want it to look like she's pursuing him (because she's definitely not), but she wants to extend a hand of friendship, which I assured her he'd probably appreciate. And now I'm going to bed. What a night!

Today after work, I went by to pick up Beanie and we went out for tacos and to rehash everything that happened yesterday. She was still feeling pretty good, certainly the happiest I've seen her in ages. “I was kind of hoping Zach would call,” she said as she picked at her taco. “But I can understand why he wouldn't. But I just hope he's doing okay, Cate. I wish he had someone to talk to.”

“What about Josh?” I suggested. “Or Greg?”

“Yeah, maybe we should give them a call and let them know Zach's in need.” Then we noticed the pay phone and decided there was no time like the present. I did the calling. Greg wasn't home, but Josh was, and I started telling him what was going on but got interrupted by the pay phone computer voice demanding more money. (Man, those guys are heartless!) Josh asked where I was and offered to come over and talk. So Beanie and I refilled our drinks and waited for him to show up. Then the three of us talked about ways we might be able to help encourage Zach, and I have to admit (only to this diary) that Josh grew in my eyes tonight. Just listening to him really care about someone besides himself and his wanting to help made me see him in a whole new light. But now, I'm telling myself, calm down, Caitlin girl, don't you go getting yourself all worked up–remember your commitment not to date,… But honestly, tonight it was tempting to just put all that behind me when I saw Josh sitting
there being so mature and concerned, and okay, good-looking too! But the good news is, I won't succumb! My heart belongs to God and I won't break my promise to Him. And if Josh and I can just be friends, great. And if not, fine. But I'm not turning back. Not at all!

So anyway, Josh decided to head right over and check on Zach tonight (much to our relief), and then he promised to call and tell us how it went. I suggested he call Beanie since I know she's been biting her nails (I mean literally!) over this all day. And then she can let me know what's up. Besides, I just wasn't sure I was up to hearing Josh's voice over the phone tonight, especially when I'm dealing with these recent temptations. I am determined to stick with my vows, no matter how challenging it gets. I know it's for my best. I really do.

So this is how it goes, huh? I ask God to strengthen me in the area of being tempted by Josh and I end up spending the entire evening with him the following night. But let me explain.

First Beanie calls me at work today (which I try to keep short since I'm not supposed to take personal calls) and asks me if I can do something with her and Zach tonight. I say sure, I'd love to, but that I gotta go and hang up.

Then I get home, and there Josh is sitting on my porch drinking iced tea with Ben and my mom. He waves and smiles, and I ask what he's doing there, and he winks at my mom, then quickly explains, “Now, don't come unglued, Caitlin; this isn't a date. Beanie just asked me to pick you up, and we'll go get Zach. Didn't she tell you all about it?”

“Well, she told me about doing something with Zach, but she didn't say much else.” And then Josh's face sort of fell, and I realized how rude that sounded. “But that's okay, Josh,” I said quickly. “You just took me by surprise. I think it's great that you're coming. Do you mind if I go change?”

“No, take your time. Beanie said we're going to do silly things like putt-par and bumper cars and stuff.” Of course, then Ben thought he should come too, and I almost agreed, but then I remembered the serious issues that Zach and I had talked about two nights before and I wanted him to have that kind of freedom tonight if he needed it. “How about another time, Ben?” I said honestly. And to my surprise this seemed to satisfy him.

So we picked up Zach, then Beanie, and although things seemed a little tense at first, it slowly loosened up. And in the bathroom at putt-par, Beanie told me how
Zach had called her today and that they'd had a good, long talk. He'd apologized for everything and explained what had been going on with him the last few weeks. “He seems so changed,” she said. “I mean, kind of broken or humbled or something. And not necessarily in a bad way, although I wouldn't wish what he's gone through on anyone.” Then I reminded her that she'd been through quite a bit too. “Yeah,” she said kind of sadly. “It's too bad that some of us have to learn through our mistakes.”

“Well, at least you learn,” I said, thinking of how some people (her mom, for instance) never seem to figure it out at all.

We finally ended up at the Dairy Queen, eating these totally gross “designer” banana splits where we picked out all these weird toppings like caramel and blackberries. But we laughed a lot and felt like kids. Then Zach got kind of serious and thanked us all for caring enough about him to reach out to help. “Tonight, thanks to God and people who care, I think I'm going to make it,” he said. “But if you'd seen me just a week ago, you probably wouldn't have given me the time of day.”

And I have to admit that Zach did look like a different guy tonight, all cleaned and shaven (not the grunger I'd talked to just days ago). And although I'd like to think that his grunged-out appearance wouldn't have put me off, to be honest, if he'd been a perfect stranger looking like that, I probably would've turned around and looked the other way. And that bothers me a lot. And I'm
sure that's
not
what Jesus would do. So I'd like to learn to look at people differently. Not to be so judgmental about outside appearances. Do you think that's possible? Can superficiality ever be completely exterminated? Can a girl who loves cool clothes and thick, glossy fashion magazines ever learn to accept people for who they really are underneath that veneer? I think, with God, I can. And that's my goal. But do you think I can possibly accomplish it before school starts in September?

I really would've liked to sleep in this morning but had promised Andrea I'd give her a ride to another car wash fund-raiser. And I'd also invited Beanie, since she now must go to Mexico (remember our deal?). Anyway, I think Andrea was a little grumped out at me because I'd put her off a couple times last week (due to all the stuff with Beanie, which I felt was pretty serious and Andrea should understand). But now I think Andrea thinks she's in competition with Beanie (you know, the old grade school girlfriend triangle stuff), but fortunately Beanie seems to be above that kind of game playing. And I was just trying to be nice to everyone. Even Josh. And by the way, I did
not
wear my Hawaiian print bikini today (out of respect for Josh's feelings last time). Although Andrea wore hers and naturally managed to pull in a lot of traffic,
and
(I couldn't help but notice) Josh's glances as well. It figures. But just the same, I'm glad I didn't wear mine.

Just watching Andrea prance around like she was
some Malibu Barbie beach babe made me realize how I probably looked, and it's not an image I wish to perpetuate. (Isn't that a great word? I think it means to keep something going.) Of course, I won't let Andrea know what I think (or at least not in those words), but if she asks I might tell her gently that I think I understand what Josh was talking about. And I still might wear mine for sunbathing in the privacy of my own backyard!

Anyway, as things were winding down, I heard Josh telling Greg about the situation with Zach and saying that it'd sure be cool if Zach could come on the Mexico missions trip too, if there was enough room. And Greg said he'd look into it and that Zach had already earned some money toward the trip last spring. So, who knows, maybe Zach will get to come too.

Zach came to church and youth group with Josh today, and it was so good to see him there. Everyone just welcomed him back like nothing had ever happened, and I think Zach appreciated that. I mean, you can only tell your story about how you've blown it so many times,… Anyway, I saw him talking with Greg after youth group, then Greg gave him a big hug. It feels like Zach's back for the long haul. And that's a good feeling. Beanie has told me that she's trying to keep a distance between them, for his sake as well as hers. She says for the time being, she would rather just be a casual friend, not even a close one, and I think that's wise on her part. In fact,
that's how I feel about Josh. And I think he understands.

Greg announced that the Mexico missions group would meet every night this week to prepare for what we'll be doing one week from now. I can't wait!

After church, Andrea and Beanie and I went to a matinee. And surprisingly, it was pretty good and clean too. Maybe Hollywood can do films for those of us who aren't into all that gratuitous sex and violence–wouldn't they be surprised to know that we're out here? Then we decided to do something a little weird. (It was Beanie's idea and was actually inspired from a scene in the movie, which was about doing random acts of kindness). And to our surprise, Andrea wanted to come along and do it with us. At first I thought it was because she didn't want to be left out, but when it was all said and done, I think she just wanted to help. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on Andrea, too judgmental and harsh (probably because she's a lot like me and sometimes people just assume girls like us are totally shallow and superficial, which we can be, of course, but not always!).

Anyway, this is what we did. I drove over to Beanie's mom's house. We weren't sure if she'd even be home or not, but thankfully her car was gone. And Beanie (who still has a key to the door) let us in. And, oh man, that place was worse than ever, and for a minute I felt really sorry and embarrassed for Beanie. (I mean, because Andrea was there, and I'm sure Beanie felt totally humiliated by this.) But you know what Andrea said: “Hey, your mom and my dad would make a perfect couple!” Then
she explained what a slob her dad was and how she and I had played maids at the cabin (the weekend that Beanie thought I was off having the time of my life!), and we all had a good laugh!

Then we rolled up our sleeves, and like three white tornadoes, just attacked the place (taking turns to keep an eye on the driveway in case Lynn popped in). I had parked my car down the block (not that Lynn would even recognize it), and if Beanie's mom were to suddenly come home, our plan was to take off out the back door, hop over the fence, and sprint through the neighbor's yard. Anyway, we spent over three hours there, and I've never seen that little place look so good. When we finished, we were so proud that I wished we'd brought a camera along and taken before and after photos. (We might have won some contest or at least had good résumés for housecleaning services; not that I'd like to make a career of
that
, specially after today!) Anyway, we were just putting a note beneath a little vase of flowers that Beanie had somehow scrounged from the weed-infested flower beds (our next project perhaps?). We'd had Andrea write the note (so the handwriting wouldn't be recognized) saying God Loves You! And that's when we heard her car in the driveway. Well, you should've seen us–bolting out the back door, across the lawn, over the fence, and making a beeline to my car, and off we went. Lynn never even saw us. We were laughing so hard, I could barely drive straight. Now, talk about fun!

After that, Andrea invited us to cool off in her pool.
Now, I didn't even know she had a pool, and she acts like it's no big deal. But let me tell you, Beanie and I both thought it was a big deal, and I think she liked that. So we laid out in the late afternoon sun, taking dips, and praising each other for what we'd accomplished today.