It's My Life (10 page)

He turned and looked at me like I was some sort of genius or clairvoyant or something and said, “Yeah, I just can't get the images of those little kids out of my mind.”

“I know.” I sighed deeply, trying to decide how much of my own feelings I wanted to reveal here, but finally continued. “The first time I went out there it really upset me too. In fact, to be honest, the filth and smell and the way the kids looked actually disgusted me. But at the same time I felt totally rotten for reacting like that–”

“Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.”

“So I prayed about it and went out again, and God helped me to see those kids in a whole new light.” Well, Josh seemed pretty intrigued, and we had nothing but time to kill, so I decided to tell him the whole story about Beanie and me and the bag of fruit and the malicious
looking men. I tried to make it sound sort of humorous, but Josh could see I was serious and I could tell he was really interested.

“That's really cool, Catie.” And then he smiled his brilliant Matt Damon smile, and I didn't even start a meltdown. “Thanks for sharing that. You know, I feel so bad for those kids–I mean, I didn't even realize they were there until that last day–and now I just wish I could do something–to help, you know?”

“I know. I feel the same way. Hey, did you get to meet Alex?”

He nodded. “Yeah, he stopped by the construction site a couple times. Seems like a nice guy.”

So then I told him about how Alex was going to find someone to regularly oversee some sort of food program for the kids out there and how I planned to find some ways to send money to help out.

“I haven't really told anyone about this yet,” I explained. “In fact, I'm not even sure what I'll do. I just know I've got to do something. Maybe through church or more car washes or whatever. I just feel like I need to do this.”

“I'd like to help too,” said Josh. “I'm not exactly sure how either, especially when I'm heading off to college next week. But I'll see what I can do. And maybe, if you don't mind, I could just send whatever I can pull together your way, and maybe you could sort of manage it for me, if that's okay.”

“Sure,” I offered. “Anything to help the kids.”

“I wish I'd known about that whole thing sooner,” he continued. “I would've tried to help out while we were there.”

“Well, I tried to tell you guys, but you and Andrea seemed to be in a little world of your own.” I know that was uncalled for, and it wasn't exactly jealousy talking (okay, maybe it was a little), but his next words just totally knocked me over.

“Yeah, that whole thing with Andrea was pretty moronic too. And I know I've hurt her feelings by getting involved with her during this trip and then just chilling out on her at the end. I feel really lousy about it.”

Well, try as I might, I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

“I can just imagine what you're thinking, Catie, like how dating is so stupid and we should all do what you're doing and no one would get hurt. But what if some of us aren't that strong?”

That made me laugh. “You think
I'm
strong? Now that's a good one.”

“Well, how else do you manage to abstain from all this? I'm pretty positive you're not gay.” His eyes twinkled with mischief.

I socked him in the arm but gently. “It has nothing to do with being strong, Josh. It's a promise I made to God, but He's helping me to keep it. And when I see how messed up things get for couples like, say, Beanie and Zach–”

He glanced at where the two were sitting ahead of us, playing some card game on the seat between them.

“They seem to be doing okay now.”

“Yeah,
now
. But they were pretty messed up just a month ago. And I know that Beanie has no intention of ever going back
there
again.”

“So, has she given up dating too?”

I thought about that. “I don't really feel like it's my place to say. You should ask her. But I know she's learned a lot and made some pretty big commitments to God.”

I glanced over to Andrea who had her head down, and I knew she was hurting. In fact, I could remember exactly how she felt, and I suppose this emboldened me to say the next words. “You know, Josh, you're a really attractive guy–”

“Gee, thanks.” He grinned.

I punched him in the arm again and then continued. “Let me make my point, okay? You know that girls are attracted to you, right?” He nodded. “And I'm sure you enjoy that.”

“Yeah. Is anything wrong with that? I've seen guys giving you a second look and you don't seem to mind.”

“Yeah, yeah, let me finish. But the difference is you look back. And then you get involved–well, you
say
you get involved, but the truth is, you're really not involved–or at least your heart isn't–”

“Hey, that's not fair. How do you know what's going on in my heart?”

“Well, take Andrea for instance. You admitted yourself that you got involved with her these last two weeks, but you break up and you're doing just fine, thank you
very much. But look at her. Do you think she's doing fine?”

I paused while he looked her way. “No, I guess not. In fact, she told me as much this morning.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Pretty crummy.”

I sighed. “Well, that's a relief. At least you have some feelings–”

“Low blow, Catie. You act like I'm heartless. Do you really believe that?”

I considered this a moment. “Do you want me to be totally honest?”

“Do you think I can't take it?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I'm sure you can take it. I'm just not sure you want to.”

“Go ahead, give me your best shot.”

“This isn't a contest, Josh. We're just having an honest talk here, right?”

“Yeah, I'm sorry. Go ahead, I'm listening.”

“Okay, I think we were talking about how it doesn't bother you to go with a girl then break up–”

“Wait a minute, you're putting words in my mouth. I never said that.”

“Maybe not, but like they say, actions speak louder than words. For instance, when I broke it off with you just before the prom, you were back with Jenny the very next day–maybe even sooner.”

He didn't answer.

“So, see what I mean? you're one of those guys who can just love 'em and leave 'em. No big deal, right?”

“You're smart about a lot of things, Catie, but you haven't got me completely figured out–not yet anyway.”

I smiled. “Good thing too. But my point is, Josh, you have the potential to leave a path of broken hearts strewn along your path. And to tell you the truth, I don't think you're really like that, not deep down anyway. I don't think you
really
like hurting people.”

He nodded. “And you don't think I've ever been hurt before?”

Now I'm sorry, but this made me laugh. “Oh, I'm sure you've suffered some disappointments like in track and stuff like that, but I seriously doubt that you've ever been hurt by a relationship with a girl.”

He looked at me curiously, then forced a little laugh himself. “You don't think
you
hurt me then?”

I stared at him, shocked. Was he serious? “I hurt you?”

“It's not something a guy likes to show or even admit.”

For a moment I thought he was pulling my leg, but I could tell by his expression that he was dead serious. “Josh, if I hurt you, I am truly, from the bottom of my heart, sorry. I am. Can you believe that?”

“Yeah.” He made a half smile. “So, see? You didn't know me as well as you thought.”

I nodded soberly, too dumbfounded to try to figure this conversation all out just yet. “But I guess that just helps me make my point, Josh. You see, I don't want to get hurt in some dating relationship, and by the same token, I don't want to hurt anyone else either. That's why I'd
rather just be friends with guys for now. It's so much simpler and no one gets hurt.”

“Well, I suppose it's starting to make more sense to me too. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up girls yet.” He grinned mischievously.

“Duh. I didn't expect you to. Besides, I think it's between you and God. I was only trying to make you understand how I think and also how others can get hurt.”

“And now you're completely convinced that I
do
understand, from personal experience that was actually dished out from someone who's since removed herself from the game?”

“Yeah, and like I said, I'm really sorry. I had no idea. I mean, you just seem to snap your fingers and another girlfriend pops up like magic.”

“A guy doesn't always want
another
girlfriend.”

“Exactly. Just like I don't want
another
boyfriend. That's why I'd rather just have a boy for a good friend. To me that's a lot more valuable in the long run.”

He nodded. “You might be right.” Then he reached out to shake my hand. “Friends? You and me, for the long run?”

I smiled and shook his hand. “You bet. Friends, for the long run.”

Then he looked right into my eyes (okay, I knew he wasn't flirting by then, but I did feel my heart give this sharp little tug which I must admit bugged me considerably!) and he said, “Catie, you're quite a gal!”

Well, I just sort of laughed and glanced the other way (not wanting him to have any clue, after all we'd said, that I'd actually felt something beyond friendship) and who should I see staring right at us?
Andrea.
And let me tell you, if looks could kill, I think I'd be hamburger all over the floor. I tried to smile at her, but I'm afraid it came out more like a smirk (which I didn't intend at all), and now I'll have to go straighten everything out with her later. See, this is just one of those things I hate about this whole guy-girl relationship thing.

Since there seemed to be little else to say, I pulled out my diary and turned toward the window and started writing. Then Josh started talking to Zach, asking about whether he was all ready to head off for college or not. And then it hits me–these guys are moving on–next week even! We won't be seeing them around anymore. And, despite all that's gone on (all the hurts and heartaches), that still makes me pretty sad. To tell the truth, I really do like Josh and Zach a lot. And I'll miss them too.

I wonder if Beanie has considered this. She's sleeping right now. I'm so glad she got to come to Mexico. (And I don't have a single regret for spending a good part of my summer earnings on it.) Having her along reminded me of a side of her that I'd almost forgotten during the last several months–that deep kind of caring compassion that she's always had for people, the way she reaches out to the underdog no matter who they are. And I'd like to think I'm becoming more like that too. If I am, it's only because of God. And for that I say: THANKS, GOD!

I think I slept
for two whole days after we got back from Mexico late Monday night. Mom mercifully unpacked my bags for me and did all my laundry (something she hasn't done in years), but I think she was worried I'd brought home cooties or lice or something infectious (which I suppose is entirely possible). Then on Thursday, I went back to work. (Rita had asked before my Mexico trip if I could cover for her on Thursday and Friday before Labor Day.) But let me tell you, I'm totally beat tonight and really looking forward to three days of doing pretty much nothing (well, maybe a little last minute back-to-school shopping).

On Wednesday night, our church had a potluck dinner for the Mexico missions group. Dad had taken my film in to be developed, and I'd quickly mounted the photos on several pieces of colorful poster board with captions describing what was going on. The potluck was fun, and all the kids shared personal stories about what they'd done at the mission and how it had impacted their lives.
And when my turn came I, naturally, told everyone about the garbage dump kids and all their suffering (probably a little too graphically, but we'd already eaten), and then I shared about my plan to help gather money to send to the mission specifically for those kids. Well, afterwards, it seemed like half the congregation or more came up to me with money in hand, and finally Stephie went and got a coffee can for everyone to put their donations in. Even Josh had managed to get his parents to write a check for $100 and promised to do more later.

Josh and I talked for a few minutes just as the evening was drawing to an end, and he told me about how he'd taken time to call and apologize to Andrea. A relief to me, since I'd already assured her that Josh and I were nothing more than friends and that when she'd seen me with him on the bus, we'd actually been talking about the pitfalls of dating and people getting hurt. At the time, I wasn't too sure she believed me, but maybe now she will.

Then Josh told me he was leaving for college the following day, and he slipped a little handwritten card into my hand with his college address on it. “Do you think you could write to me, Catie?” he asked in a shy sort of way, quickly adding, “Just as friends, of course. I know how you like to write and everything, and I think it'd be fun to hear how you're doing, and what the youth group's up to and all that good hometown stuff.”

I assured him, I'd love to correspond. “Just don't get the wrong message if I write some really long letters. I do
tend to get carried away with writing sometimes.”

“That'd be great. I'll appreciate whatever you send.” Then he said maybe he'd see me at Thanksgiving vacation, and I told him to enjoy college and that I'd be praying for him, and then (to my complete embarrassment) I got a little weepy, but I think he kind of liked it.

Zach's leaving for college next week too. He seems a little worried about it. I know he's got a lot on his plate. Even though he has a full athletic scholarship, he still has to work to pay for his room and board. I really hope it goes well for him; he's been through a lot lately. Beanie told me that they plan to keep in touch with letters too. “But only as friends,” she assured me, as if I've suddenly become the girl-guy relationship gestapo.
Not!

When I got home, I counted out the donations in the coffee tin–to the grand total of $438.71!!! And I'm thinking that'll feed those kids for at least a month or more.