It's My Life (19 page)

“It must be hard being here,” said Beanie as she took her piece.

“Yeah,” said Jenny. “I mean, at first it was totally horrible, nightmarish even. I even felt like I must be crazy too. I figured that most everyone in here was. But lately I've gotten to know a few of them, and they're really not all that bad. Sure, like me, they have their problems and phobias and stuff, but they're really not totally nuts, not all of them anyway. In fact, in a weird way, it's kind of interesting being here now.”

“Yeah, well, it's not your everyday experience,” I said, taking a bite.

“And I've taken your advice, Caitlin, and I've started journaling. My shrink thinks it's great therapy, and I guess it kind of helps me to see everything in a different light.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “My diary came in handy last night when I started second-guessing myself about my nondating rule.”

“See!” said Beanie, pointing at me triumphantly. “I told you meeting Trent last night would be pushing it.”

”
Trent
?” asked Jenny with a suspicious raised brow.

Then I explained to her about our psychology project and how we'd nearly gotten ourselves thrown out of the library, and then talking at Starbucks until late and everything.

“I had Trent in my biology class last year, and I must
admit he caught my eye too. But since he wasn't exactly involved with my group–“she made a fake gagging sound–“well, I just never looked at him too seriously. Pretty dumb, huh?”

“I guess.” I set down my fork. “But he's a really nice guy, and I honestly think he's searching for God in his own way although he does call himself an atheist.”

Jenny laughed. “You've got to watch out for those ones who call themselves atheists.” She pointed to herself. “They're usually the ones who are searching the hardest.”

“Yeah.” I laughed. “I remember when Josh told me that you were an atheist last year. I'd almost forgotten about that.”

“Well, that's what I liked to claim. But I think what I was really doing was just begging someone to step up and prove me wrong. I think I wanted to believe in God but just couldn't. So I made this big deal of calling myself an atheist, just hoping someone would set me straight.”

“That's interesting,” said Beanie. “You know, my mom makes a big deal about not believing in God too. She always made fun of me for going to church and stuff. And she really loved arguing with me about religion. It used to drive me nuts.”

“Sounds familiar,” said Jenny as she licked the last creamy bite from her fork. “Thanks, Cate, that cheesecake was superb.”

We stayed there until five again, just talking and joking. Then I asked Jenny how much longer she'd need to be in here.

“Good question.” She rolled eyes. “On one hand, I think I'm well enough to go home, but on the other hand, the idea of living at home with my mom constantly on my case is kind of scary.” Her voice grew quiet. “I mean, what if I start doing it again?”

“But aren't you all better now?” asked Beanie.

“My shrink says some people never get completely over this. And even if I get released, I'll still need to go to weekly counseling and then into some sort of support group.”

“So do you think he'll be releasing you soon?”

“I think so.” Then her eyes grew sad. “And it's not like I really love it here or anything, but in a way it does feel safe and secure. I'm just afraid I might not be ready to go home yet.”

“Wouldn't it be cool,” said Beanie suddenly, “if we could all three get a place of our own to share.”

“Yeah, sure,” said Jenny sarcastically. “Like maybe we should all go out and start buying lottery tickets or something.”

“Yeah, it's just a stupid idea.” Beanie looked slightly chastised.

“No, not really,” said Jenny quickly. “I'm sorry, Beanie; I didn't mean to sound so cynical. I just wish it were really possible.”

We hugged her and told her good-bye, and then I dropped Beanie at Steph's and headed straight home where I'd promised to help my mom before the party. And now that it's time to go to bed, something has occurred
to me about all this. It might be totally ridiculous, but who knows?

Well, I've been working all week (or maybe it's God who was doing the working) on that idea I got on Sunday. Anyway, when we had our little engagement party, my grandma was feeling bad because she's already made her usual plans to go to Arizona and flies out on the first week of November to stay until March, and now she's all worried that she'll miss the wedding as a result.

But anyway, she was also boo-hooing that the lady who usually house-sits for her (keeping her plants and her ancient and beloved cat, Marigold, alive) just bailed on her saying she can't do it this year. So anyway, I've been talking to Grandma this week about the possibility of Beanie house-sitting for her (thinking that perhaps Jenny
could join her too, if need be). And Grandma happens to
really
like Beanie (she always has), and she's noticed how Beanie's just wonder with Oliver (not to mention saving his life!), and she also thinks she was a real godsend to Steph. So anyway, she said she'd give this idea some serious consideration, and that she'd talk to Steph and see what she thought about the whole thing. And tonight, Grandma called me up and said she thinks it's a great idea, and she was, like, so glad I thought of it!

Afterwards I tried to call Steph's to talk to Beanie, but the line was busy (probably the lovebirds saying good night). But I'm thinking Steph might've already told Beanie anyway. And now I'm just so happy and relieved that she has a place to live, besides with Lynn.

Of course, I don't know that this will make any difference for Jenny (who goes home with her parents on Saturday), and I didn't even mention this other situation to Grandma yet, although I bet she'd be open to the idea. She's a pretty kind and understanding person. In fact, I'm wondering why I haven't been more involved with her lately. Because for an older lady, I think she's pretty cool!

Tonight our youth group
spent the whole evening (until after midnight) working on stuff for the Harvest Party that our church plans to give next week. It's like an alternative to Halloween for the kids, so they can come and do carnival games and stuff. We'll be working on it all weekend, but it's really pretty fun. And it's great having the whole youth group working together on something again. But now I'm so exhausted I don't think I can write another word.

Today, Trent called me up and asked if I had time to get together and talk with him tonight. And I told him I was working on the Harvest Party preparations, but if he wanted to come along and help, I'd be happy to talk with him. And since he sounded sort of down or depressed, I hated to just say no, forget it. But to my complete surprise, he agreed, and he turned out to be quite helpful in getting the Go Fish booth set up, then afterwards a
bunch of us sat around and drank Dr. Pepper and talked until pretty late. Trent asked a lot of good (and hard) questions about God, and everyone was really honest and helpful. Trent seemed relieved that we didn't try to have an answer for every question or to explain everything to him. I mean, like who really knows how many animals were on Noah's ark or if the sand was wet where the Red Sea divided!?! And several times we just had to say that our belief in God is based on faith and trusting in things we can't always see. But that we know in our hearts that it's real and true and we wouldn't give it up for anything. And although Trent didn't like fall on his knees and get saved, he did thanks us for talking to him. And now I'm pretty sure the whole youth group will be praying for him. Takes a load off me!

I had invited Jenny to join us tonight, but her mom said no. Big surprise there. But now I'm wondering if Mrs. Lambert plans on locking Jenny up until she graduates. And if she does, how long will it take until Jenny quits eating again? Oh man, would I like to give that woman a piece of my mind! What's up with parents these days anyway? I mean, Beanie's mom doesn't care at all. Jenny's mom seems to care way too much. Sheesh, my parents are looking better and better all the time. Although I still haven't raised the issue of what I think about becoming a missionary with them again.

To be honest I'm almost afraid to consider the whole thing too much. But I have gotten some interesting books about missionaries (including the Jim Elliot one and one
that his widow wrote too; now talk about an amazing woman–she stayed down there with their baby and continued to work with the very same indians that killed him!). Anyway, my interest in this whole thing is not going away. If anything, I think it's growing. And so I keep praying that God will lead me and direct me. I mean, I realize that college is important. But I also realize that those kids (at the dump) have very immediate needs. And it's some consolation to me when I send money every couple of weeks (by the way, I came up with the acronym: FAD for Food At the Dump, kind of silly, but it works). Anyway, there's still a strong desire inside me to actually go down to Mexico and live right there by the dump and to really roll up my sleeves and help care for those kids myself. And I think, what's wrong with that? But then I really do know what could be wrong (besides my concerns about codependency). I could be just doing what I want and not what
God
wants. And I realize how that could just totally blow up in my face. And so all I want is that God would show me what I need to do. In the meantime, I'll do everything I can think of to raise money for FAD.

Our Harvest Party was a
screaming
success tonight. And Jenny's mom surprised us all by letting Jenny out of her cage (as Jenny calls it) and allowing her to come help out at the party. I'm not sure if her mom knew it was a church-related thing or not since we held it at the VFW
lodge. I think Jenny just told her it was for a good cause. Which, as it turns out, it was!

My best surprise of the night was when the party was all over and we were cleaning up (man, what a mess!), and Pastor Tony walks in and announces that most of the proceeds will be donated to my Mexican FAD fund. Well, talk about happy! I couldn't believe it. Then even though I was tired, I worked extra hard.

But another nice surprise was that Trent came tonight and actually helped out at the Go Fish booth. And he seemed to be having a really good time with the kids too. And I noticed he and Jenny sort of hit it off, which I must admit gave me some mixed feelings. Okay, I
know
I'm not interested in dating or having a boyfriend, but I admit that I've enjoyed his attention. Is that so wrong? Maybe. I'm not totally sure. But when I saw him joking with Jenny, I think I got just a teeny bit jealous. But I never showed it. And I quickly got over it. And now I kind of hope that they become friends. Who knows, maybe God will use Jenny to reach Trent! On the other hand, I just hope Trent doesn't pull Jenny down. Although she seems like she's getting stronger and stronger in her faith these days. It's weird how that works sometimes. It almost seems the harder a person's life is, the harder they hold on to God. Makes me think we all need to have a really hard life or something. Although I'm sure that's not really true. I guess we just need to realize how lost we all are without God, and then to appreciate how great it is to have Him! Even tonight, when I felt just a little “off”
because of the thing between Jenny and Trent. But because I turned to God and shared those feelings, I suddenly felt so much better. And happy too.

Last week, Tony and Steph invited Beanie and me to go out for dinner with them. And then, just as we sat down, Steph said she couldn't wait any longer and asked if we would consider being her bridesmaids. Well, we were both so surprised and honored–and of course we said yes! And today, we three went shopping for dresses.

Fortunately (since there's not much time), Steph and Tony want to keep it simple and inexpensive so we only looked at dresses we could buy right off the rack. And wonder of wonders (I'm sure God had a hand in this), we found them all in one shop! Steph's dress is a tea-length gown of creamy white lace (it looks like something from the Victorian era), and Beanie and I will both wear tea-length satin dresses made of this luscious, coppery color that's sort of iridescent. Absolutely gorgeous (even if it isn't my best color). Steph wants everything to be in fall colors (golds, rusts, olives), and she plans on having chrysanthemums everywhere (she says they're cheap but pretty).

Now, since our church meets in the school, this presented a small problem for the wedding location, but my mom suggested that Steph check into having the wedding at our old church (which has brick walls and stained glass and looks all very proper and churchlike),
and both Tony and Steph agreed to this. Tony has a pastor friend coming from New York to officiate, and it just seems like everything is falling right into place. As my grandma says (and she just left for Arizona today) “that's what happens when you live right.” Well, I'm not totally sure about that because I know there are lots of people who try to follow God and live right, yet have all sorts of trials and tribulations coming at them (you should read some of these missionary books I've got!). But I am totally glad for Steph's sake that it's going pretty smoothly (she's gone through enough hard stuff in her life) and it's good to see things falling into place for her now. She's a little sad to see Beanie moving out to my grandma's, but Steph understands. And it didn't hurt when Beanie and I offered to keep Oliver over there during the honeymoon after the wedding.