It's My Life (15 page)

But then I did something that completely surprised me. Something I've never done before (and don't know if I could ever even do again). All I can say is that it must've been a
God-thing.
Because without even thinking it through, or asking if it was okay, I just started to pray for her,
right out loud!
I can't even remember exactly what I
said when I prayed. I mean, I think I basically prayed for normal stuff like her being able to eat again, and also that she'd ask God to help her, and even that she's be healed from this horrible illness. Stuff like that. But anyway, by the time I finished praying, she had stopped crying and was sitting up and studying me carefully. And then (to my surprise) she said thanks and that she felt better.

Well, she seemed pretty much exhausted to me, and I suppose I felt a little embarrassed (why is that?), so I suggested maybe she'd like to rest some, and then I left. But I prayed for her some more as I drove home.

I called her just a little while ago to see how she's doing, but her mom answered and said she'd gone to bed. I asked Mrs. Lambert if she thought Jenny might like to go to church with me tomorrow, and she said she'd let her know I'd invited her. But something about the way she said it suggested that she really didn't want Jenny to go with me. So then I asked how she thought Jenny was doing.

“Don't worry about Jenny,” she said kind of abruptly (as if I have no involvement in this thing at all). “She's had some problems, but we're getting her the very best of help. Everything is under control now.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No. Just let her friends know that she's going to be fine. And she should be back at school in no time.”

“Does this mean she's going to West Haven?”

Mrs. Lambert cleared her throat. “I don't know how
much Jenny has told you, Caitlin, but her father and I would greatly appreciate your confidentiality in this matter. This isn't the sort of thing we want circulating all over town.”

Well, I felt as if I'd been slapped, but I managed to conceal my hurt. “Of course,” I agreed. “Jenny is my friend. I just want for her to get better.”

“That's what we want too. Thank you for calling. I'll let Jenny know.”

I hung up and just stared at the phone.
They were taking her to West Haven.
Poor, poor Jenny. Then Mrs. Lambert's words echoed in my mind: “Everything's under control,…” and that's when I began to cry.

Despite my “promise” not to tell anyone, I called Beanie (swearing her to absolute secrecy) and asked her to keep praying for Jenny. “I think her mom is part of the problem,” I explained. “It seems like she really tries to control Jenny. And according to some things I've read, anorexia is all about control.”

“Well, then maybe she'll be better off at a place like West Haven,” said Beanie with her ever-practical rationale.

“But it's just what she didn't want.”

“Sometimes we don't know what we really want.”

“I suppose.” I sighed deeply. “I just feel like a lot of this is my fault.”

“Caitlin,” she began in what sounded like her I'm-about-to-give-you-a-lecture voice. “You can't take care of everyone, you know. I mean, I realize how you have this
very compassionate and caring nature, and a tendency to get pretty involved in other people's lives. But you need to understand that everything is NOT your personal fault or responsibility. People make their own choices. You've got to accept that you just can't help every single person you meet. And you certainly can't feed every hungry kid on the planet either, no matter how badly you want to. Remember, you're just one person and you can only do so much.

“I know. But God is bigger than that. I believe He can do all those things.”

“Then let Him.”

I wasn't totally sure what she meant by that but felt too emotionally wrung out to figure it all out anyway. So I thanked her for her (what I assumed was)well-meant, albeit harsh, advice and told her I'd see her at church tomorrow.

Today in psychology class we learned about codependent personalities and now I'm afraid I might actually be one–and let me tell you, it's not a pretty picture. But the good news is this personality disorder is preventable and curable, and I'm thinking if I nip it in the bud (not to mention going to God for help) I might be able to beat it. So what is codependent? At first I just thought it meant someone who depends on others too much, and I suppose that's partially right. But it's more like someone who thinks that they need to take care of everyone else and fix everything
else to the point where their whole identity is tied up in caring and worrying about others. Sound familiar? And eventually they neglect themselves so much that they have no joy in living, and then they tend to just make everyone around them miserable with their guilt trips and meddling.

Well, let me tell you, that's NOT what I want for my life. Not at all. No sireee! Now I'm trying to understand the difference between a person who is just naturally helpful and caring and the one who's truly a codependent. I'm just not sure exactly where I draw that line in myself. And I must admit that over just the last year, I've made myself almost sick with worry about others from time to time. I mean, I can list the people I've been concerned for on TWO hands. To start with there was my mom and dad and their marriage problems, and before Christmas it was Aunt Steph, then Beanie with her pregnancy, Josh just because he's Josh, and for a while I was worried about Andrea, and then Zach with his drug problems, and lately it's been Jenny. And this whole thing is starting to worry me a lot! It's like I can see an unhealthy pattern here. So I figure I better let God straighten me out before I go out and do something really stupid, like marry a drug addict or alcoholic (lots of codependents do that sort of thing!).

Okay, now (hopefully without sounding too codependent) I must express my concern for Jenny. I've called her mom twice this week to see if I might possibly visit Jenny. All I want to do is to give her a big hug and encourage her. Is there anything wrong or codependent with that? I think it's just being a good friend. But the problem is, according to Mrs. Lambert, Jenny isn't allowed visitors. And for some reason (maybe it's the way she says things) I'm not totally convinced that Mrs. Lambert is telling the whole truth. I may just try calling West Haven for myself. In the meantime, I will keep praying (as will Beanie and Steph).

Now (speaking of Steph) here's the best news I've heard in ages. Beanie says she thinks it's just a matter of time before Pastor Tony pops the big question. Of course, she told me not to say a word about this to Steph (or anyone), but she says they see each other almost daily, talk on the phone each night before bed, and she thinks it all seems pretty imminent. I sure hope so. I think they make a terrific pair. And I know Tony has been so lonely after losing Clay last spring. And Steph has changed so much in the last year. A miracle really. I just really believe it's meant to be. And I'm so happy for her
(even if it is a little premature to celebrate). Hopefully
that's
not codependent.

It's really getting so I question myself almost constantly. Although I did get some encouragement from Jesus's words about “loving your neighbor as you love yourself.” I got to thinking, now that's
not
codependent. Maybe that's the reason He said it like that. Because the way I figure it, if you take really good care of yourself and your relationship with God (that's loving yourself), then your won't turn into a codependent when you try to love and help others in the same way. And hopefully they'll appreciate your help. So in a way, it's just really simple. And for that reason, I have decided to stop freaking about this whole codependent thing but to just pray about it instead.

But first one more interesting note. You see, one of my favorite classical authors is Jane Austen and one of my favorite books is
Emma
(which was also made into a contemporary movie called
Clueless
, but that's another story). But anyway, I'm thinking that Emma was probably just codependent too. Although I think she got wise and was beginning to finally escape it in the end. But isn't it interesting how much I loved that book and that character? I told Beanie all about this codependent stuff and she just laughed real hard, but finally agreed that I'd probably hit the nail on the head, and that I was lucky to make this discovery now while I'm still young enough to escape turning into a bitter old woman married to some abusive alcoholic. I think she's right!

At noon, Beanie and
I were talking about Jenny (we both miss her and wonder how she's doing), and Beanie said, “Why don't you just call West Haven and ask if she can have visitors or not. And if not, ask why not.” So I just marched over to the pay phone, looked up the number, and called. And dontcha know, the receptionist said, “Sure, Jennifer Lambert can have visitors. In fact, we encourage it. Visiting hours are three to five every day.”

So it's settled, tomorrow both Beanie and I will visit her. Beanie thought I might like to go alone, but I told her I thought it would be better if she came along too. I think Jenny could use a good support of friends right now, but of course, I haven't mentioned any of this to any of her old friends, who are so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't even seem to notice she's missing. And even if they did know what was up, I'm not sure how much help they'd be. I mean, some of them actually act as if having anorexia were cool. Too weird.

Then an interesting thing happened in my psychology
class today. We were supposed to partner up with someone for a project, and I was about to ask Anna Parker (a girl I've known since grade school) but then this guy I barely know (but seems nice), Trent Ziegler, asked to partner with me and I said, “Sure, why not.” So we went to the library and started working on this fictional case study where Trent is supposed to be suffering from depression, and I'm supposed to be diagnosing him. It's pretty silly, but our teacher thinks it's worthwhile, and because our grade is dependent on it, we're cooperating.

So anyway, I say all the normal things to him, but then I throw in something like, “But have you tried praying?” or “Maybe you just need to trust God with your life.” Well, I can tell these kinds of comments are really bugging him, but he's being a good sport and answering the questions (for his fictional character anyway). But when it was time to quit, he asked me if I thought those religious questions were realistic or not.

“I mean, aren't psychologists supposed to be sort of impartial about religion? Aren't there laws to prevent that kind of thing?”

To which I laughed and said, “I've never heard of a law prohibiting any professional from practicing his religion.” Then I thought a moment. “Except, perhaps, in school. But I've heard of doctors who pray with their patients, and even attorneys who argue for religious rights. Why can't a Christian psychologist recommend that his patient pray?”

Trent shrugged. “I don't know. I suppose it couldn't hurt.”

“On the contrary, I'm sure it would help.”

His brows raised curiously as he held the library door open for me. “I take it that you must be a Christian then?”

I nodded. “That's right. Do you still want to be my partner?” See, this project is supposed to go on for two whole weeks.

He grinned. “Yeah, I suppose it could get pretty interesting.”

“Well, I'll try not to come on too strong. But I'll do what I think a good Christian psychologist might do.”

“And I'll try to react like a good atheist suffering from depression might act.”

Then I laughed. “No wonder my patient's suffering from depression! I would think anyone who doesn't believe in God would get pretty downhearted. I know I would.”

Trent frowned, but said nothing. And suddenly I wondered if he might actually be an atheist himself. I don't think I've ever actually met a practicing atheist (although Jenny tries to act like it sometimes), but I didn't really mean to offend Trent by saying that.

“Don't mind me,” I said half apologetically. “I just happen to be sold out on God and couldn't imagine my life without Him.”

He sort of smiled then. “Well, then that's cool for you. But it might not be like that for everyone else on the planet.”

“Believe me, I know. It's just hard for me not to want to share something with others that's been so incredibly life changing for me.”

“Yeah, it might be cool to hear a little more about it. You sure don't seem to lack for enthusiasm when it comes to your beliefs.”

By then we'd reached the locker bay and it was time to part ways, but I felt like I still needed to say something. “Well, feel free to ask me anything you like about my relationship with God. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to my faith.” I laughed. “Or anything else, for that matter.”

“Well, after I'm finished playing the depressed atheist patient, maybe you can play the repressed Christian patient.”

I smiled. “Yes, because as you can clearly see, I must certainly be pretty repressed.”

“Yeah, but the surface can be deceiving sometimes.”

I nodded, not quite sure of how to respond and needing to head to work, I just told him good-bye and hurried on my way. But as I drove to work, I prayed for Trent. Because despite his atheist talk, I suspect he's really searching.