It's My Life (20 page)

So next weekend we'll look for shoes to go with our dresses. In the meantime, Beanie and I are planning a big wedding shower for Steph (we read in
Bride
magazine that the bridesmaids are supposed to do this), and we really don't have all that much time to get it together. We'll just invite friends from church and family and stuff, and Beanie wants to host the whole thing at Grandma's (which she already got permission to do). She will officially move in tomorrow. I'm going to help her, not that she has all that much to move, but it'll be fun seeing her get set up. I asked if she felt scared or nervous about living a house all by herself and she just laughed, then reminded me of some of the things that
used to happen when she lived with Lynn. Yeah, living alone sounds a lot safer!

After church, Beanie and I loaded my car with everything she had at Steph's and took it over to Grandma's house. It was kind of weird watching Beanie pull out the key and unlock the door as if she lived there (which she does!), but I suppose I'll get used to it. Then Beanie asked if we could swing by Lynn's place to get some of the things that Beanie had never moved (since Steph's apartment was pretty crowded) so we drove over to Lynn's.

“I sure hope we don't see that Harley parked in the yard,” said Beanie. “I'm not really looking forward to meeting this loser.”

I was actually hoping that no one would be home. I never enjoyed seeing Lynn, and I know how hard it could be on Beanie. But when I pulled up we saw Lynn's old beater car sitting in the driveway. “No motorcycle,” I said, trying to sound positive. “Do you want me to come in and help?”

“Do you mind?”

“No.” Not really a lie. I mean, I didn't mind helping Beanie although I did mind having to talk to Lynn.

Beanie knocked on the door and we waited for a pretty long time. Then finally Lynn opened the dor and we both just stood there and stared. Lynn, still in her bathrobe, had a swollen and cut lip, a badly bruised check, and a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked Beanie in a flat voice.

“What do you want?” snarled Lynn.

“I came to get my stuff,” said Beanie, folding her arms across her front.

“What stuff?”

“My things,” said Beanie, growing impatient. “Things I left in my room.”

Lynn stood there, her eyes narrowed, just staring at the two of us. Then she stepped aside, letting the door swing open and said, “Well, come on in, girls. As you can see, I cleaned especially for you.”

Well, the place looked just as bad (maybe worse) as the last time we'd been there (when we'd cleaned and made our quick getaway over the back fence), only now the air was especially stale from having been closed up due to the cooler weather and the whole place reeked of cigarette smoke. I silently followed Beanie to her room where she told me what to take. I could tell this was stressing her out and tried to be as helpful and supportive as possible. It took quite a few trips since she didn't have any boxes to put things in.

On my last trip through the house, I noticed Lynn sitting on the sofa with her head hanging down and looking about as dejected as I've ever seen anyone look. And suddenly, I'm not sure what happened, but it seemed like I saw her in a whole new and different light. Maybe it was God giving me a glimpse of the way He sees her. But suddenly I was looking at her, and she just seemed like a
broken little girl. A poor, abused little girl, who was lost and confused and desperately needed someone to love her. Well now, it's no secret that I've never had a good relationship with that woman, but right then and there, I silently prayed that if I was supposed to say something that I'd know what it was, and that I'd be able to say it. So I paused for a moment, then said, “Lynn, it looks like life has been treating you kind of rough lately.”

She looked up at me and sort of squinted like she wasn't even sure who I was or why I was standing in her living room, then she said, “When
hasn't
life treated me rough?”

I nodded, trying very hard to remember that little girl and to show sincere empathy. “I know; it must be pretty hard.”

She ran her hand over her bruised cheek. “Yeah, I don't know why I don't just give up.”

I looked at a dingy chair across from her. “Can I sit down?”

“Sure.” She rolled her eyes with sarcasm. “Make yourself at home.”

I sat down and looked evenly across at her. “Did your boyfriend do that to you?”

”
Ex
-boyfriend.”

“Well, that's probably for the best.”

She lit a cigarette. “Yeah, I suppose if I had any sense, I'd just swear off men altogether.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that's pretty much what I've done.”

She looked at me curiously, then took a long drag
from her cigarette. “You telling me you've sworn off men, Caitlin?” She laughed.

I chuckled too. “Yeah, something like that.”

“What's the deal? You turn into a lesbian or something?”

“No.” I laughed loudly now. “But God showed me it wasn't in my best interest to date guys. It just seemed to lead me into places where I don't really need to go.”

Now she looked clearly confused. “God showed you
what
?”

“That I needed to give up dating.”

“You gotta be kidding.”

I shook my head and now noticed that Beanie was standing like a shadow in the doorway to her bedroom. So I continued. “I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I can't tell you what a huge relief it is not to worry about all that dating stuff anymore. Now I can just focus on what's really important.”

She exhaled a long stream of blue smoke. “Like what?”

“Like my life and school and friends and God.”

“God again.” She ground out the cigarette in an overly full ashtray.

“Yeah, without God, I'm pretty sure my life would be nothing but a great, big, fat mess.”

“You mean like mine?”

“I wasn't saying that.”

“Yeah, but that's what you mean, isn't it? You think my life is just one big, stinkin’ mess, don't you? Go ahead,
Caitlin, admit it!” She stood up now, her voice growing loud. “I know you're always looking down on me–you and those picture-perfect, little yuppie parents of yours, just like June and Ward Cleaver. I know you guys all think I'm nothing but poor white trash. Don't you?”

I stood too, unsure of what she might do in her anger. “No, Lynn.” I spoke calmly, hoping to soothe her ruffled feathers. “I don't think that at all.” I paused to take in her messed-up face, realizing how underneath that she was actually still quite pretty. And then I suddenly felt tears filling my eyes. “To be honest, Lynn, I might have thought like that before–before I started seeing things differently. But now, I just think you've had a really rough life, and it's taken its toll on you. And it just makes me incredibly sad. Sad for you. And sad for Beanie too.”

She exhaled loudly, almost as if my words had somehow deflated her, and then she sank back down onto the couch. “Yeah, well, it makes me pretty sad too.”

I paused for a long moment, then sat back down, silently begging God to give me the exact words that Lynn needed to hear. “You know, it doesn't have to continue like this.”

She just shook her head. “Nothing ever changes for me. I just get older and uglier and pick out worse men is all. But no matter what I do, nothing ever gets any better.”

“It could get better, Mom,” said Beanie, clearing her throat as she stepped into the room.

“I knew you were there listening,” said Lynn matter-of-factly, without even looking up.

“Mom, I love you,” said Beanie, her voice breaking. “And I really want to see things get better for you. Do you know that?”

Lynn nodded, swallowing hard. “I know, baby. I know.”

“But you're the only one who can make things change,” said Beanie.

“I know, but I can't.”

“You can!” demanded Beanie. “But only if you let God help you.”

Lynn looked up, her eyes now filled with tears. “Look at me, Beanie, and tell me honestly. Do you really think–if there even is a God–that He would give a flying fig about someone as messed up as I am?”

“First of all, I
know
there is a God,” said Beanie. “And second of all, He loves everyone no matter how messed up we are.”

Then I jumped in. “And sometimes it's only when we realize how messed up we are that we can understand how much we need to call out to God for help.”

“And what if I did that?” She looked intently to Beanie, then back to me. “What if I did call out for God to help? And what if He just wasn't there? Or didn't answer? What then?”

“He is there,” said Beanie quietly. “He will answer.”

“And you'll never know if you don't ask,” I added even more quietly, worried that we were both pushing Lynn too far and too fast, and that any moment she might just blow up on both of us.

She sat there for a long time, just gently rubbing her
arm, which I suspect was also hurting from the beating her Harley man had given her. And the whole time, I just kept praying. Praying that she wouldn't blow up, praying that she would listen, and praying that for once in her life she would just call out to God.

Finally she stood. “Well, I'm sure you girls need to be on your way.”

“But, Mom–”

”
Just go
!” cried Lynn, swinging her arm as if to defend herself. “Leave me alone! Just get out of here, both of you! Leave!”

Beanie nodded to me, and we both moved toward the door; then Beanie said, “I'm praying for you, Mom.”

“Me too,” I added as we stepped out to the porch. Then we heard something crash against the wall and break into pieces.

“It's okay,” said Beanie. “Probably just an ashtray, her favorite form of projectile.”

I looked at Beanie. “Are you okay?”

She smiled. “Yeah. That was great.”

“Great?”

“Yeah, I've never seen her listen to stuff about God that well before.”

I kind of laughed, then we got in the car and drove over to Grandma's where we hauled all Beanie's stuff into the laundry room.

“This is so totally cool to have a washer and dryer right in the house,” said Beanie with unashamed appreciation.

I nodded, thinking how little I knew of real suffering.

The past two weeks
have been so wild and busy that it's almost a blur in my memory. And consequently I've neglected my diary. I'll try to catch up if I can, although it won't be easy.

The first thing I want to share is that I'm going to go to a missions conference! Now I'm sure that sounds pretty boring to the average person on the street, but I am just totally jazzed about it. Our youth pastor, Greg, was planning on going, and last week he told our youth group all about it. It's this really big event where thousands of kids who are interested in missions come from all across the country to attend. It's called Urbana (and is somewhere near Chicago). It happens right after Christmas and lasts until New Year's. Anyway, Greg invited anyone interested to come along. He's going to drive a church van.

So far a quiet guy named Rick from McFadden and I are the only takers, but I am so excited I can hardly wait. At first my parents were all, like, no way, that's too
far away, you need to be home during Christmas vacation, and on and on. So I just quietly told them (no ranting, no raving) why I wanted to go, and that I'd pray that God would speak to them, and then I left it at that. Well, it took about a week, but finally they told me they'd talked about it and decided I could go. Of course, they're not paying for it, which is fine (I have money in savings), but I'm just glad that they willingly agreed. I had really prayed that God would soften their hearts. And let me tell you, I really did not want to have a great big fight. So I was hugely relieved. Of course, they had to tack on a little parental lecture about how this didn't mean they thought it was okay for me to skip out on college and hop down to Mexico to live at the garbage dump. I bit my tongue, then told them I understood their concern. But the whole time, I'm thinking, we'll see about that! Anyway, I'm just glad I get to go to Urbana.

Okay, now I'll tell you about Jenny. She had her eighteenth birthday on November 10 and moved out of her parents' home on November 11. First, let me say I don't think that moving away from your parents while you're still in high school is such a great idea, but in Jenny's case I totally agree. Plus, she'd met with Pastor Tony several times for counseling help, since she was starting to turn all anorexic again as a result of all the stress and pressure her mom was dishing out to her. And Pastor Tony actually called my grandma who's soon to become his mother-in-law to make sure it would be okay for Jenny to stay there with Beanie. And of course, Grandma was
totally cool about the whole thing and even said she was glad for Beanie's sake and that she didn't really like the idea of a young girl being there all on her own. So now Beanie and Jenny are roomies and both living in Grandma's house. Beanie stays in my mom's old bedroom, and Jenny has Aunt Steph's. Now isn't that just too funny?

But in order to cinch the deal, Pastor Tony had them both sign a contract with my grandma (his idea not hers) saying they won't have boys over, drink alcohol, or smoke, or anything else that my grandma wouldn't approve of. And they both signed with absolutely no argument. And within days, Jenny seemed to get better–she's eating again and even cooking too! She says she just really needs to feel like she has some control over her own life. She was a little worried at first because she had to leave her car at home, and she was afraid her parents wouldn't pay for her college, not to mention how she'd manage to afford food. But she and Beanie both got jobs at Pizza Hut. Okay, so it's not the best place in the world, but the bus goes straight there, and they get all the pizza they can eat. But then after that, Jenny's dad started to secretly send her money. Pretty nice, I think. So Jenny's sitting pretty right now. And I expect she's helping Beanie out too.

Jenny said that Trent asked her out, and she told him she didn't want to date right now! Well, that kind of surprised me. I mean, it's not like I'm trying to get everyone to follow my lead and give up dating (not that that's
such a bad idea). But I asked her what was up with that, and she said she just felt like she needed time on her own (without a guy) to get healthy. Then she told me a bunch of stuff about Josh (and what went on with those two last year), and it almost made me want to quit writing to him forever and just punch him in the nose the next time I see him. But now I realize that's wrong (it's not like I wasn't aware of a lot of that stuff), so I just need to forgive him all over again. But just the same, it still irks me.