It's My Life (5 page)

You see, I really want for Beanie to be able to come with us to Mexico. And I know she doesn't have much money and really needs what she's managed to save. Especially since her dear, sweet mother, Lynn, has pretty much written her off. Big surprise there. But anyway, I thought to myself: what if Beanie got some sort of anonymous missions scholarship or something? Because I know she has way too much pride to allow someone else to pay her way. But maybe if she didn't know who it was or exactly why. Well, just maybe she would be able to accept it and go. And I really think she
needs
to go. I think it might help her to heal and get back to being a “normal” teenager again (if that's even possible).

So I checked with my parents and Pastor Tony and they all thought it was a great idea, and actually
offered to chip in too. And we all promised to keep it top secret. Pastor Tony will present the gift to Beanie, just saying that an anonymous donor gave it, and then we'll all act real surprised and everything. I made sure even Ben didn't hear us talking. He's a good kid and all, but he can be a real blabbermouth sometimes.

Tony's going to give it to her tomorrow, and I just have to wait for the call and then act all surprised. This is fun!

Okay, Beanie calls me up tonight, but she sounds kind of glum again. And then she tells me about how Pastor Tony just gave her this scholarship to go to Mexico and how she's not at all happy about it.

“But why not?” I ask, trying not to reveal anything. “I think it would be great if you came. We'd have so much fun together. What exactly is the problem anyway?”

“I just don't like taking charity.”

“Beanie.” I try to make my voice sound all serious and mature. “First of all, how do you know that someone in the church didn't hear God telling them to give it to you? I mean, you could in essence be saying no to God. And plus this trip is to help others who are less fortunate than you. Maybe the person who gave the scholarship can't go and they think if they send someone in their place, it will allow them to bless somebody else in Mexico. I mean, think about it, do you seriously want to be responsible for some poor Mexican kid losing this blessing?”

She kind of laughed at that. Then she said something
that left me speechless. “You might be right, Cate. And now that I think about it, I wonder if Zach might've possibly donated this. You know, ‘cause he feels so bad about everything and all. Maybe it's his way to make amends or something.”

Well, my stomach just turned over, and I had to swallow hard to control myself from saying something really mean and totally regrettable. Like, I'm sure, selfish old Zach would even care whether Beanie went to Mexico or not! Good grief!

“Um, Beanie, have you actually seen Zach lately?” I finally said in a very courteous and controlled manner. She said she hadn't. Then I asked if he even knew about her losing the baby.

“No.” Her voice got kind of flat.

“So, do you plan on telling him?”

“Oh, I don't know,… I guess if I see him. And, who knows, maybe he's already heard about it. I think he and Josh might still do stuff together sometimes. Maybe Josh told him.”

“Yeah, maybe so. Isn't it ironic that Zach's the one who originally got Josh all excited about the youth group and the Mexico trip, and now Zach's not even around anymore.”

“Well, maybe I
should
let Zach know about the baby.” Her voice grew sad, and I knew she was feeling that pain all over again, and I wished I'd never brought this whole thing up.

“Oh, I don't see why, Beanie. Zach never really seemed to care that much about the baby anyway.” An
understatement, I'm thinking, since Zach wanted the baby killed in an abortion!

“It's not just that, Cate. I'm thinking, maybe if he knows I'm not pregnant anymore, then maybe he'll want to come back to church and stuff. I mean, maybe he's just embarrassed by all this. And you know, he always really liked it there. Remember how much he really liked Clay?”

Now, talk about your self-sacrificing martyrs! This, to me, takes the cake! So I said, “But how's that going to make
you
feel, Beanie? I mean, do you
really
want to see Zach sitting there in church or youth group?”

“I don't know…but maybe he needs it, Cate. I mean, who knows, he could really be hurting too.”

I thought, yeah, sure, but said nothing.

She continued. “I honestly believe he should know about the baby; it's his right as the father. I'm just afraid that I can't do it.”

Then something in my gut tells me what was coming next. Somehow, I just knew that, as Beanie's best friend, it was my responsibility to offer to do this gruesome and loathsome task. I mean, if she was willing to sit in youth group with the selfish jerk, who was I to refuse to go and tell him. “Okay,” I finally said. “How abut if I go tell him?”

“Oh, would you?”

I laughed without humor. “Of course, you silly ninny, did you really think I wouldn't?” Then I thought of something else. “Hey, Beanie, how about if we make a deal?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Okay, if I go and talk to Zach, then you must promise
me you'll come on the Mexico trip.”

I heard her exhale deeply, a good sign; she was seriously considering my proposal. “Okay, it's a deal, Cate. But you have to report back to me on every single thing that Zach says about the baby and everything. And I want you to be totally honest about it.
Deal
?”

“Deal.”

So now I'm stuck with the unfortunate task of talking to a guy that I'd just as soon run over with my car–except that might get my car all messed up and bloody. And let me tell you, Zach Streeter is NOT worth messing up my car for!

All day at work, I kept wondering how I was going to force myself to go and talk to Zach. I thought about swinging
by the park on my lunch break, but then there'd be all these little kids around, and I'm afraid I might say something shocking around them, and it's not their fault. So, I waited until after work, came home, took a cold shower, then called Zach's house, hoping he wouldn't be home. But guess who answers the phone on the very first ring? So, I asked him if he had a minute to talk, and he said someone else needed to use the phone right now. Then, fighting the urge to say fine and just hang up, I asked if he could meet me somewhere to talk. And he agreed to meet at the coffee shop by the high school.

So I drove over, telling myself that I wouldn't chew his head off or say anything hateful or mean, that I would be cool and calm. And the strangest thing is, when I saw him sitting in the coffee shop, a lot of my anger just sort of melted away. I mean, he looked so totally down and out–a beaten man, really. Not at all like the shining track star, on-top-of the-world Zach that I remembered from just a couple months ago. No, tonight he looked like he was several days past a shave, his hair was stringy and dirty, his clothes looked like he'd slept in them for weeks, and his eyes–oh man, his eyes. I think it was his eyes that really got to me. They had that exact same look that I'd seen in Beanie's–just sort of flat and dead. It was totally weird.

It was like the wind had been taken right out of my sails (sorry about the cliché, but that's just what it felt like), and I didn't even know what to say to him. I bought us each a cup of coffee, and he didn't object, then we
sat down together and I asked how he was doing. He proceeded to tell me his life was just about totally messed up. Just like that, no pretense, just real honest like. So I asked him about his job, and he told me he'd lost it a couple weeks ago for not showing up on time.

I asked why he didn't show up on time and he just shrugged; then he looked me right in the eye and said, “Caitlin, I'm totally messing up my life right now. Just making a complete mess of everything. Now, what do you think of that?”

I said I thought it was too bad. And you know what? I wasn't the least bit glad that he was suffering so bad. Not at all like I'd have thought I'd be. In fact, it was all I could do not to reach out and give this grunge guy a great, big hug. So then I asked him if he was doing any drugs. (I mean, sheesh, all the signs seemed to be there, missing work, his appearance, his eyes…) And he just nodded, sadly.

Well, my heart just sank and then I let him have it. “Zach Streeter,” I said a little too loudly because a couple at the next table suddenly looked our way. So I toned it down. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You have so much potential, so much to offer. I mean, just a few months ago you were helping me to straighten out my life and directing me toward God. Do you remember that?” I pointed my finger at him and he nodded sadly.

Then I continued, knowing for sure that I sounded exactly like that preachy “Sister Caitlin” that Beanie complains about, but somehow I just couldn't help myself.
“So, you've made some mistakes, have you, Zach? Well, now who the heck hasn't? But just because you blow it a couple times doesn't mean you just give up, do you? And what about God, Zach? What about your commitment to Him? You just giving that up too?”

I could see his fingers curling into fists, but not like he was mad exactly, just frustrated maybe.
“I know, Caitlin. I know
all that stuff. What do you think I've been telling myself every single day?”

“Yeah, but do you ever listen?”

He looked directly at me then and suddenly I could see his eyes were getting moist and I wasn't sure how much I should push this. So I just prayed a quick, silent prayer, asking God to help me out here. I mean, who am I to think I can rescue somebody like this? I suddenly realized I was walking on real shaky ground here. What right do I have to tell anyone else how to live? I mean, what do I know of his struggles, his demons, his fears?

But then I said, “You know, Zach, God has never stopped loving you, not even for a minute. And He will never stop forgiving you either. But you've got to love yourself and you've got to forgive yourself.” I think that got his attention somehow, and so I thought I'd better continue. “Now, I'm convinced you're aware of how badly you hurt Beanie, and to be honest, when I came here today, I really wanted to let you have it with both barrels.” I shrugged. “But somehow I don't feel that way anymore.”

“Probably because you can see how I've done such a great job of beating myself up,” he said in a dismal tone.

I nodded. “Maybe. But just the same I wanted to let you know how Beanie's doing. Have you seen Josh lately or heard anything?”

He shook his head sadly. “Actually, I've been out of town a couple of weeks, just hanging with the wrong crowd and messing myself up even more. I came back this morning, hoping I might be able to straighten out before I lose everything.” He looked me in the eyes. “And I mean
everything
, Caitlin.”

Then I finally reached over and put my hand on his arm (I couldn't even believe I did it), and then I said (to my own surprise), “Zach, can you please forgive me for judging you?”

He looked shocked. “Geeze, Caitlin, what'd ya mean? You've got every right to judge me. Shoot, I've been a total jerk to your best friend. I've been selfish and irresponsible–”

I held up my hand to stop him. “I know, I know. But I was having some pretty bad thoughts toward you. And now I'm thinking you're sorry about everything that's happened with Beanie.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry. You bet I'm sorry. Man, if I could turn back the clock, I would in a minute. I would! I'd do anything to get everything back to where it was last spring, before all that–I mean, even my own life has gone from the highest heights down to the pits of hell. And I know it's my own stupid fault.” Then he pounded one fist into the other. “And you know what, Caitlin? Right here and now, I've made up my mind. I'm going to give up that stupid
college scholarship. I'm going to get clean, and I'm going to do the right thing and marry Beanie and be a father to my child.”

Well, you could've just blown me over and swept me away with a broom!
“You're what?
”

“Yeah, I've given a lot of thought to what Pastor Tony said–you know all that stuff about how an unborn baby is a real human being and how abortion is murder and–”

Well, I just couldn't let him go on another minute, he was in such pain, and I knew I had no right to drag this whole thing out. So I said, “Wait, Zach. Stop and listen to me. I've got something to say that you need to hear right now.” Then I told him the whole, sad story of how Beanie jumped in front of the car to save Oliver and how she lost the baby and everything. And by the end, we were both just sitting there crying. Right there in Starbucks with God and the whole world looking on. I'm sure the couple at the next table thought we'd both recently escaped the loony bin. Then I just looked around to the people who were quietly watching us, although pretending not to and said, “So, did you enjoy the show?” Then I grabbed Zach's hand and tugged him toward the door, calling out as I went, “And wait till you see what we have lined up for next week's episode; same time, same place.” And you know what? They all clapped!

Then Zach and I sat in my car and continued to talk for about an hour, just going over lots of little things, asking and answering questions. Then I gave him a ride home since his van got impounded (just another consequence of
his recent little rebellious spree). While parked in his driveway, I told him that I really loved him (as a brother, of course!) and that I would do anything I could to help him out, but that first of all he needed to turn back to God. And he told me that's just what he planned to do. Then he thanked me and said he was glad that Beanie had such a good friend while she was going through all that stuff. And I reminded him I wanted to be his friend too. Then I raced home to call Beanie, but her line was busy, so I started getting this all down into my diary (just in case I start thinking it didn't really happen!).