It's My Life (2 page)

Well, last night Andrea and I both decided we'd try out our new bikinis today. (I mean, why shouldn't we enjoy them while it's hot and sunny and we're getting all wet anyway?) And to our pleasant surprise, they didn't hurt business at all. Man, you should have seen how many cars pulled over being driven by guys who obviously wanted to flirt. (We were halfway tempted to hose a couple of 'em down, but then we might've missed out on some tips.) So as you can imagine, it was a pretty successful fund-raiser. In fact, the best car wash event we've had so far this year.

But here's the clincher. After it's all said and done, Josh Miller (the guy who broke my heart last spring before I gave up dating completely) has recently joined our youth group and is now planning to go to Mexico with us. So anyway, he pulls Andrea and me aside like he's got something really important to tell us. So I'm thinking he's probably going to say something nice about how hard we worked and all, which makes sense due to the fact he's in charge of the car wash today (because Greg Thiessen, our regular youth group leader, had to be the best man at his brother's wedding).

So anyway, we cheerfully come over to listen, and then he says, “You girls think it's wise to be showing so much skin around here?” I mean, he just says this totally
weird thing without even batting an eyelash.

Of course, I get all indignant and say, “Just what do you mean by
that
?”

Then he sort of shrugs and says, “Well, it just seems a little un-Christian to go around half naked like that.”

Now that really makes me mad and I snap at him, “Sheesh, Josh, we've been working real hard here today, and we're just trying to be cool and comfortable, and all you can do is snipe at us!”

“Yeah, I know, Caitlin.” He suddenly looks slightly uneasy, like maybe he wishes he'd never brought this ridiculous subject up. And for some reason his discomfort pleases me a little. (Okay, you already know I'm human!)

Then he says, “But you should really think about us
guys.
You know, we're supposed to be your
brothers.
“Then he sort of laughs but not quite. “Maybe you
sisters
should have a little mercy on us.”

“So, are you suggesting our appearance creates some kind of a temptation for you?” asks Andrea in what seems a fairly flirtatious way (although she's just like that sometimes, and I don't think she even totally realizes how she comes across).

“Maybe,” says Josh, then he reaches over to me and flips the string tie that's keeping my bikini top on. “You know, I'd think
you'd
be especially uncomfortable with something like this, Catie. I mean, what with your commitment to sexual purity and all that stuff.”

Well, I'm sure my eyes must've flashed some sort of very un-Christianlike message right then, but somehow I
managed to answer in a rather quiet, albeit hostile, tone. “Since when does what I wear in any way reflect my personal beliefs or convictions?”

He shrugs again. “I don't know, Catie. It just seems to me you're sending out some pretty weird mixed messages.” Then he walks away and starts coiling up the hoses.

Well, Andrea and I just stood there and laughed at him; then we took down the car wash signs, got into my car, and I drove off–
fast.
Because I was still irked. And all I could think was: The nerve of that guy! After all our hard work, all he could comment on was our unacceptable attire. Who does he think he is anyway, God's fashion police? I mean, grow up, Josh Miller! All of which I expressed to Andrea, but she just threw back her head and laughed. She hadn't taken one single word seriously. She just thought the whole thing was a joke.

But I really don't think Josh was joking. And to be completely honest, I must confess that he has actually got me to thinking about what he said. And I'm wondering if he might not be partially right about me sending those “mixed messages.” (Although I refuse to admit as much to him just yet.) And at the same time I still wonder, what right does he have to judge me in the first place?

I mean, is he trying to imply that just because I made a promise to God to remain sexually pure, that I should go around dressed like a nun or something? How fair is that? Why shouldn't I dress however I want? Last time I checked it was still my life. And if he's got a problem
with my appearance, he can just look the other way! Can't he? Or maybe not. I'm not entirely sure anymore. But I guess I will consider what he said, and I'll try not to be too mad at him for saying it. I suppose he was just trying to be honest, even if he was pretty irritating and judgmental about it. And maybe I'll even ask Greg about all this tomorrow in youth group. Or maybe not.

Well, I do know this, I will ask God about it. Because, it's like Clay used to say–convictions are a personal thing–they need to come straight from God and directly to you–no middleman needed.

As usual, I saved
Beanie a seat next to me in youth group today. But when she came in, Andrea and I were in the middle of an intense conversation and so it might have appeared that I was ignoring Beanie, but I wasn't. Not consciously anyway.

Naturally, Beanie took offense (Aunt Steph says it has to do with her hormones being all mixed up right now), but she huffed off and sat all by herself in the back of the room. And
that
made me mad. I didn't see why she had to act that way. So after youth group, when she stormed off without even saying hi, I never even went to look for her. I figured if she wants to act like a child, I'd just let her. She'll have to grow up soon enough as it is. Which brings me to another weird thing that I've been trying not to think about. Lately, Beanie has been talking like she might actually keep her baby. I think that somehow, probably from baby-sitting little Oliver or something, Beanie's gotten this crazy idea that she'd make a good mom. Now, I'm not saying she wouldn't, but why in the world
would anyone in her right mind want to be stuck with taking care of a baby when she's only seventeen???

So, for me to say that Beanie and I haven't been exactly seeing things eye to eye lately is a gross under-statement. If you ask me, I think she's living in another universe, like Baby La La Land or Barney World or something. I mean, who does she think is going to support her and her baby? Certainly not her mom, Lynn, who hasn't called her once since Beanie moved out. And I've even heard that the government doesn't have too many welfare funds available for single moms these days. And this brings me to another sore subject.
Zach.
Now talk about an amazing disappearing act–you'd think he'd moved to another planet. But no, he still lives in town and still works for the parks, last I heard. And I'm sure he still plans on using his athletic scholarship to go to college, where he'll probably forget all about this baby business. But do we ever see him at youth group anymore?
No
! Does he ever call Beanie?
Think again
! Arggh! It just makes me so furious, I can hardly even write his name in my diary without tearing through the paper.

But while I'm ranting, let me say this–it takes
two
to make a baby. And, without a doubt, Beanie has done her part. (Although she's admitted to me that doing “it” really wasn't that much fun.) But it seems totally unfair that she now has to bear this thing alone! But that's what she's determined to do. She says Zach's only solution to her pregnancy (despite that “great” talk he had with Pastor Tony) is still abortion. And according to Beanie,
he wants nothing to do with her or the child he's fathered unless she agrees to “terminate the pregnancy” (his terminology
not
mine!). And what totally sends me is that I used to really admire that guy. Now I think he's nothing but a great big hypocrite, not to mention a totally selfish jerk!

But Jesus says we're supposed to love, not just our friends, but our enemies as well. Grrrr! And I think the Bible says we're even supposed to
pray
for them! Well, I'll need some serious help to honestly love Zach, but I guess I can try to pray for him–maybe then God will knock some sense into the stupid blockhead!

Yipeeee!!! I am now officially seventeen. You know, it's hard having one of those “late birthdays”–I mean, all your friends get to turn a year older during the school year, and you're just left behind. As a result, birthdays
have always been sort of a big deal to me.

And the day started out nice enough, with my family singing to me and Mom bringing me breakfast in bed. (Okay, it was just Cheerios, but she did put a flower on the tray.) But even my younger brother, Ben, was up (no small miracle), and my parents gave me a sweet card with a big, fat check to be used toward my Mexico trip! And then Mom had gotten me this very cool jacket that I'd admired in a catalog a couple weeks ago.

Then some of the ladies at work threw a little party for me at break time (with a sweet little cake and several balloons). Of course, as a result, the word quickly circulated that “Caitlin, the receptionist, is only seventeen!” And I saw some surprised looks on some of the faces (like Todd Alberts's, for instance). But I just laughed it off. I don't mind when people think I'm older, but it's a relief having the truth out (not that I'd been hiding anything from anybody).

All in all, I thought I was having a pretty good day, but then after dinner my dad talked me into going with him to get some ice cream to go with Mom's scrumptious chocolate-sour cream cake. And when we got back, I couldn't help but notice several extra cars parked around my house–and low and behold, the parents had planned a little surprise party for me. Mostly friends, family, and people from church. But it was nice.

Beanie came with Aunt Steph (who I noticed spent most of the evening talking with Pastor Tony). But I realized this was the first time Beanie had been at my
house (when my parents were both there) since they'd heard about her pregnancy. And suddenly I realized how she was probably still uncomfortable with this whole thing. Unfortunately, it seemed my parents were too. They both treated her sort of stiff and formal, kind of like, “Good to see you, Beanie. Hope you're feeling well these days.” No joking around or anything. It made me feel pretty bad for her. I'll have to ask them to loosen up for Beanie's sake. She feels lousy enough about her “mistake” without them getting all weirded out on her too.

Which reminds me of another thing. My parents and I have never really discussed this whole thing very much (I mean Beanie's pregnancy). And I'm positive they have no idea, right now, that she might actually
keep
the baby. I'm sure they don't quite know what to think about this whole thing as it is, but I can't imagine what they'd say about my best friend being a teenage mom. Probably that's why we haven't really spoken of it. Maybe it's all for the best.

And one more thing before I call it a night. Josh came tonight too. No big surprise there, since he's pretty involved with our youth group these days. But he'd given Andrea a ride. And I hate to admit it, but that bothered me. Now, I'm not exactly sure which bothered me more: the fact that Josh (the boy I used to swoon over) gave Andrea a ride, or that Andrea (my almost best friend) got a ride with Josh. And I'm sure that doesn't even make sense in writing. But I'm pretty sure it has to do with jealousy, I'm just not sure why. Well, sometimes
life's just too complicated to figure it all out. And besides it's like
my
birthday, and hey, why should I even care?

But for some mysterious reason I do. So, let me go on just a little here, if I may. Just as the party is winding down, Josh takes me aside and rather sweetly wishes me a happy birthday, and for a split second I almost think he's going to kiss me (and I can't even begin to sift through what I think about
that
!), but then he
doesn't.
Instead, he just looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me ”
as a sister
,” and then he says he's sorry for that stuff he said at the car wash last weekend, and that he was probably out of line for talking to me like that. Well, I just blink and say, “That's okay. I've forgotten all about it.” Which is almost true. I
almost
had forgotten it.

But for some reason the whole incident left me feeling a little unsettled inside, and I'm wondering: Did I want him to kiss me? Which seems totally stupid. And then when I saw Josh and Andrea getting into his little Jeep Wrangler, something inside me just twisted, sort of. And so I plan to spend some time praying about all this before I go to bed tonight. I really would like to understand what's going on here. If that's even possible. If not, maybe I can just pray to forget the whole thing. Because if there's one thing I've learned this year–
the heart is a fickle thing.