In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (16 page)

A few moments after Connor leaves, Michelle and Gabbi come
bursting through the door. “Out with it, Nae-Nae. You can’t not tell us about
your sexcapades on the clock!” Michelle is beaming ear to ear at my reddened
cheeks. Gabbi is grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

I go straight home after work. I didn’t sleep much last
night and my emotions have been on overdrive since Connor left the hospital
this afternoon. I’m so glad that it’s Friday, I’m not sure that I could have
worked another day this week even if my life depended on it. Shameful Regret
has a gig tonight, and before yesterday, I had planned on going with Gabbi, but
honestly all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep. I don’t even want to go to
my exercise class. I sent Connor a text when I left, just to let him know I was
going home, but I haven’t told him that I’m not up to going out tonight. I know
he will expect me to be there with him, especially since he wanted to pick me
up after work for us to hang out. I know that we need to talk, but he’s either
not ready or willing to talk about the demons in his past, and I think we need
to.

Stripping out of my clothes on the way to my bedroom, I
decide to soak in the tub for a little while. My large garden jacuzzi tub was
one of the things that sold me on the apartment when I was deciding where to
live after nursing school. The hot water and strong jets are just what I need
to relieve some of the built up tension and stress. I put my iPhone on my
speaker dock and press shuffle on my “Quiet Time” playlist. It’s a lot of
soothing new-age music that Michelle always complains about, calling it “hippy
dippy crapola,” but it helps clear my mind. I toss some of my favorite bath oil
into the water as the tub fills up and steams billows throughout the room.

The hot water feels like absolute heaven as I sink down into
the tub. I’m trying to turn my mind off. I want to not think about the past
twenty-four hours. I want to think about nothing but which pajamas I’m planning
on spending the entire afternoon in, and quite possibly tomorrow too. I rest my
head against the back of the tub, submerged up to my chin in the soothing
bubbles.

I think back on the last several weeks of my life. So much
has changed. I’ve gone from the quiet girl whose social life only involved Sly,
Michelle, Gabbi and the interactions with my coworkers and patients to the
girlfriend of the lead singer of an up and coming band. My world has opened to
include characters that I would certainly never have imagined hanging around
with. Marcus, Wade and Seth have become as much a part of my family as Sly and
my girls. Then, there’s Connor. Connor Reeves has brought light to my life that
I wasn’t really living. He has broken down all the barriers of my heart and
held me when my past came crashing back at me.

Connor has definitely changed me. I feel more alive, more
vivacious, more empowered. More of everything, really. When Sly told me that I
wasn’t really living my life, he was right. I never saw how much I had
withdrawn into myself because of my guilt for what Matt did to me. I can stand
back and see now that I had nothing to do with what happened. I was innocent
that night. Matt took away my choice, and when he did that, he broke me. Connor
is rebuilding me, but Connor also has the power to completely destroy me again.
I have given him my heart, body and soul. He owns me now. My heart couldn’t
come back from the devastation that would be left in the wake of Connor Reeves if
something were to happen between us.

Last night’s events play over in my mind again. Connor
yelling at Marcus on the phone when I first got to the apartment, his drunken
reaction when he got back, the look in his eyes and the accusation behind it,
his physical reaction to me trying to leave the apartment. I know that he
didn’t mean any of it, but I can’t shake the feeling that something more lies
underneath the surface and that something is going to happen. I know that
Connor has some issues from his past that he doesn’t want to talk about, but I
feel like he needs to let those walls down. I’m fairly certain that it has
something to do with his sister, but he won’t let me in. I’ve bared my soul to
him. Connor knows my deepest secret, my biggest regret, and he didn’t judge me
for it. He has to know that I would never judge him or think less of him for
anything.

We have been so consumed with each other since we got back
from Birmingham. Last night was the first night that we spent apart, then when
I saw Connor in the break room this afternoon, I couldn’t control myself. I
really tried to keep my resolve, I knew that we needed to talk about what
happened, but I let me desire and body take over instead of my mind. The moment
that Connor’s lips touched mine, I was lost to him. I think we just need to
take a few days to come back down from the high that we get from each other. I
also know that this is not going to go over well with him.

My eyelids grow heavy as the
warm water and soothing scent of lavender erase the tension from my body. I
need to get out of the tub and let Connor and Gabbi know that I’m not going to
see the guys tonight, but I can’t pull myself from the heavenly comfort. The
sounds of Enya are becoming distant as I let myself go into the relaxing bliss
and drift off to sleep.

~

“I’m sure she’s fine! Just wait a damn minute!” Michelle’s
voice echoes though my apartment, waking me from my impromptu nap in the
bathtub.

Connor swings the bathroom door open, causing it to bounce
of the wall. “Fuck! Lynae, what the hell? Are you ok?” he is instantly kneeling
on the floor beside me.

I’m shivering in the now cold bathwater. I pull my knees up
and wrap my arms around them. “Wh- What are you doing here?” I ask through
chattering teeth.

Michelle has come in to the bathroom now too. “Nae-Nae, get
out of that water before you freeze your ass off.” She’s reaching for my towel
hanging up behind the door.

Connor reaches into the tub, pulling and lifting me up with
his arms around my back and under my knees. I’m so cold that I’m shaking. He
walks us out of the bathroom and sits on the side of my bed, cradling me into
his warm body. Michelle comes over to us and drapes the towel over me, then
goes to find a blanket to wrap me in as well.

“I’m f-fine.” I stutter, still trying to comprehend why
exactly Michelle and Connor are here. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.

“You didn’t answer your phone, and when I knocked on the
door, you didn’t answer either. I got worried, Sweetness.” Connor is rubbing my
arms and back in an attempt to warm me up. “I called Michelle, and she came
over to let me in.”

“Yeah, I was trying to take a nap, and I told Rocker Boy
that you were probably just sleeping too, but he wouldn’t let it go. Glad we
came over, Nae-Nae. You don’t need to be falling asleep in the damn tub,
woman!” Michelle tosses the blanket over me and sits down beside Connor on the
bed.

I’m very aware of the fact that I’m sitting on Connor’s lap
dripping wet and naked. I try to squirm out of his arms, keeping the towel
around me as best I can. “I need to g-get dressed.”

Connor loosens his hold on me, allowing me to stand up. I
dart back into the bathroom, but before I can shut the door behind me, Michelle
dashes in, leaving Connor calling out to us from the bedroom.

“Spill it.” is all she says to me when I move to sit on the
ledge of the tub.

I look up at her, she’s leaning against the counter with her
arms crossed over her chest. I know that Michelle can see right through me. She
knows that I have something on my mind, and I know that she isn’t going to let
up this time. I was able to avoid answering questions all day, but now,
Michelle has that look in her eye telling me that I will not be allowed out of
this room until she is satisfied that I’m ok and she has all the information.

I begin to tell her everything that happened in the last
twenty-four hours. To my surprise, she doesn’t interrupt; she stands there
quietly letting me get it all out. I tell her about how much I have fallen
hopelessly in love with Connor, my worries that whatever it is that he is
keeping hidden will come between us, and that I am afraid of what will happen
to me if he leaves me. I see her shoulders tense when I tell her about him
grabbing my arm, and that is where the bruise really came from, and his harsh
words to me last night when he was drunk. Michelle nods her head in
understanding when I tell her how this afternoon when he came to apologize I
was helpless to resist him, and I got sucked into the passion that is between
us.

“He is kind of all consuming, isn’t he?” Michelle sinks down
to sit on the floor in front of me. I’m still sitting on the ledge of the tub
wrapped up in a towel. “I get it, Lynae. I do. I know that he probably didn’t
know he was being a dick last night when he was drunk, but that doesn’t give
him the right to treat you like that.”

“He is just so intense. I know that he loves me. I know that
he would never hurt me, but I just feel like I need to take a step back for a
minute. Something is bothering him, and he won’t talk to me about it.” I sigh.
“It feels like as soon as he’s near me, I want to forget everything else.
That’s why I came back here this afternoon. I needed to clear my head.”

I get up and walk to the end of the bathroom where I have my
stash of yoga pants and camis that I usually sleep in piled in the linen
closet. I know it’s a weird place to have them, but it’s just easier to grab
them after I get my showers at night right here, instead of going back out to
my bedroom. I quickly dress behind the door so as not to flash all my goodies
to Michelle. Not that I really care, but still.

“I knew something was bothering you this morning, chick. I
wish you would have told me you had a fight.” Michelle starts brushing and
braiding my hair while I put some moisturizer on my face. “And I guess the
breakroom was Connor’s way of trying to apologize?”

“Yeah. He came in, said he was sorry, and then you know what
happened next.” I blush remembering her and Gabbi walking in on us. “I need to
go to talk to him. I’m not going out tonight and I need to let him know. I’ll
call you later?”

Michelle wraps her arms around my waist, resting her chin on
my shoulder. Our eyes lock in the mirror. “Sure thing, Nae-Nae. You are a
strong woman. Trust your instinct. I can tell he loves you, and I know you love
him. Don’t let Rocker Boy distract you with his sexy ass if you feel like you
two need to talk about something.”

“You know I love you, right?” I lean my head down to hers.
“Thanks for listening. I’m sorry I haven’t been around for you much lately. You
and me spa day tomorrow? My treat?” I ask.

“Damn straight, bitch!” Michelle replies then steps over to
open the bathroom door.

Connor is sitting on the floor with his back leaning against
the bed. His knees are pulled up, he’s bracing his arms on them, and his head
is hung low. He looks up when we step out. His eyes look full of questions and
worry. “Sweetness, please talk to me.”

Michelle kisses me on the cheek then leaves me standing
alone with Connor. I hear her lock the front door behind her.

I look back at Connor sitting on the floor. My body and
heart call out to him. I need to stay in control. As soon as he touches me, I
will forget what it is that I intend to say. I’m sure I had every intention of
telling him that earlier this afternoon, but we see how well that turned out. I
don’t think he heard my conversation with Michelle while we were in the
bathroom because for an apartment, the walls and doors are fairly thick, and we
were keeping our voices down because I knew that Connor wasn’t going to go far.

“Connor, I-“

“You can’t fall asleep in the fucking tub, Lynae! You could
have drowned!” Connor says in a low voice.

“It wasn’t like I planned it!” I respond. I don’t want to
fight with him, but I can feel my defenses rising. “Connor, why are you here?”

“Babe, why didn’t you answer your phone? I thought I was
going to pick you up this afternoon so we could have spend some time together
before the set.” Connor is looking up at me with an expression of concern and
nervousness. “Are you still pissed at me for last night? I said I was sorry. I
know I was an ass.”

I sit down across from him on the floor, letting out a pent
up breath. “No, Connor, I’m not still mad.” I make sure to keep some distance
between us. One touch, one caress, and I know that I will succumb to the force
that is Connor Reeves. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, work was busy, and
I just needed some time to myself.”

Connor flinches at my response, moving to come towards me. I
hold up my hand to keep him where he is.

“Like I said, I just needed some time to myself. I needed a
little breathing room after last night.”

“Sweetness, please listen to me. I love you, and I am so
sorry for everything. Don’t push me away.” Connor pleads. His eyes look hurt
and regretful.

My heart wants to reach out to him. I’m not trying to push
him away. I’m trying to stand on my own feet. I have been so wrapped up in
everything Connor since we met, then I let all of my secrets out, that I
haven’t had any time to process, and I still need him to talk to me about what
secrets he’s harboring. Connor has seen my heart and soul opened wide. “I love
you too, baby, I just need some space.”

Connor obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word
“space” because in the next moment, he lunges forward, knocking me flat on my
back. He’s leaning over me, bracing himself on his forearms, our faces mere
inches apart. “Don’t. Push. Me. Away.” He says between soft kisses to my lips,
eyes, and cheeks. “I can’t give you space. I need you.”

Whereas I would have felt completely trapped and panicked
months ago, I have no fear being held in this position. I need him just as
much. I want to reach my hands up and run them through his thick hair, but I
stop myself. I push his shoulders up. “Connor, we need to talk about last night
and this afternoon.”

“We did talk.
 
I said
I’m sorry for being an ass, I love you, you said you still love me. Enough
said.” Connor grinds his hips down into my pelvis trapped between him and the
floor.

I try to push at his shoulders with a little more force.
“No, we didn’t talk. I need you to be open with me. There is something
bothering you, and I want to now what it is.” Connor looks down at me
questioningly. “You were upset yesterday before I left for work, and then you
went out and got trashed. That’s not like you.”

Connor sighs loudly as he moves to get off of me. “Can’t you
just drop this?” Connor rakes his hand through his hair. “I really don’t want
to talk about that shit right now.”

I can hear an edge of warning in his voice. He definitely doesn’t
want me to push him on this. I’m too tired to fight him. “Fine.” I say as I sit
back up.

“Thank you. Let’s just get ready to go. I want to take you
to dinner before we meet up with the guys tonight.” Connor stands up, holding
his hand out for me.

I let him pull me to a standing position, but I pull my hand
away and cross my arms over my chest. “Connor, I’m not going tonight.”

I feel the intense heat from Connor’s eyes burning into me.
He takes two steps towards me to close the distance between us. “What do you
mean you’re not going?” As Connor’s grip tightens on my shoulders, almost to
the point of being painful, a small tingle of unease crawls up my spine. He can
see it in my eyes the moment it happens, he lets me go instantly. “Baby, I-“

“Don’t ‘baby’ me.” I step back. “I said I’m not going. I
want to stay home and have some time to myself.”

Connor’s eyes burn into me. “What can I do to make this
right with us? Damnit, Lynae, I’ll do anything.” He begs.

We are just going to keep going in circles around this
issue. I just need to drop it, but I can’t. I know deep in my heart that
whatever it is that is bothering Connor is causing him a lot of emotional pain.
He seems to have been more moody since a few weeks ago. I think I remember Wade
telling me that it was Kaitlin’s birthday. Me overhearing Connor and Wade’s
conversation that night was the only time that Connor and I ever argued. I see
the same torn look in his eyes now and expression yesterday morning that I did
that night. Connor has been there for me to help me let out my most painful
secret, I just wish he would let me be there for him as well. I need him to
know that we are in fact ok, but I still want to give myself some breathing
room.

I reach my hand up to cup his face. He leans into my touch.
“We are ok,, just let me have tonight. I’m exhausted, I just want to lie down
and forget about things for a while.”

Connor takes my face in both of his hands, bringing his lips
down to barely graze over my own. “I don’t know if I can do that.” He breathes
over my mouth.

I must not succumb to him. I must not give in. I must not
let him sway me. This is the mantra I’m playing over in my head. It would be
too easy to let Connor pull me under the tidal wave that is the passion flowing
between us. “You’re going to have to.” My response comes out weak. I need to
get my lips as far away from his if I stand a chance of sticking to my guns
tonight. I close my eyes to break the connection. I can get so lost in Connor’s
eyes. “I’m going to bed now. You have to meet up with the guys.” I take a step
back.

“Sweetness, please.” Connor begs.

“Keep an eye out for Michelle. She’s supposed to be meeting
up with Gabbi tonight, but I know that Gabbi will probably be too distracted
with Wade to be of any use.” I keep my head down so I don’t get sucked back in.

Connor walks towards me again. He keeps coming my way even
as I’m backing up until I hit the wall and I have nowhere else to go. Connor
stands over me, his eyes pleading. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me
what I need to do to get you to stop running from me now. Damnit, how many
times do I have to say I’m sorry for being a drunken ass last night?”

Fine. He wants to know what will make me forget about
everything. I’ll give it to him. “I want to know what the hell your problem was
to make you become a drunken ass. I want to know about what you and Wade were
arguing about. I want to know what’s in the box in the closet. I want to know
what you’re keeping from me.”

That shuts Connor down cold. He stands up straight, pushes
his shoulders back and looks away from me. “Not gonna happen. I’m not doing
this shit.”

With that, he leaves. I hear Connor slam the front door to
my apartment behind him. I sink down to the floor in my bedroom and drop my
head between my knees. I hope I haven’t pushed Connor completely away. I’ve
opened my heart up, given it over to Connor completely, he holds the power to
break it beyond repair, and I fear that I may have just given him what he needs
to do just that. This is why I never wanted to let someone in. Your heart can’t
get broken if you don’t let someone hold it.

I sit on the floor for a few minutes. Well, probably more
than a few minutes because now my butt feels numb. I need to talk to someone. I
can’t hold it all in anymore. I force myself up, walking over to my nightstand
where my silenced phone is charging, and call my best friend.

“Sly, I need you.”