In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (12 page)

The gravel crunches under the tires as I pull into the
parking area near the section that Momma’s buried. After I put the car into park
and set the brake I rest my head on the steering wheel leaving the engine
running. I had to get out of that house. It felt like the walls were closing in
on me. I know that Sly and Connor have no idea what spooked me, but seeing him
again after all those years really jarred me. I can’t believe that he has been
staying at Sly’s house, and Sly didn’t tell me. How was I supposed to know that
Johnson was Matt Johnson. Just the sound of his voice was enough to send me
into a panic. I need some space for a little bit. Hopefully Sly can keep Connor
occupied for a while.

The sun shines down on me as I make my way over to Momma’s
grave. Daddy and I pay for perpetual care since we aren’t living close by
anymore, so she has a beautiful new arrangement of silk flowers in the vase on
her tombstone. Yellow roses and white daisies. Momma always called me her
“Little Sunshine” and we used to give each other different types of yellow
flowers all the time, even for no reason at all.

I kneel down and brush a few stray leaves off the plate with
Momma’s name.

Sara Anne Michaels

Beloved Wife And Mother

Taken From Us Too Soon

“Hey, Momma.” I whisper as I trace my fingers over the
words. “I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry it has been a while since I’ve come
for a visit. It’s hard, you know, living a few states away. I still think about
you every day.” I sit back on my feet and look up to the sun, trying
desperately to keep the tears at bay.

“I’ve met someone, Momma. I think you’d really like him. His
name is Connor, and he makes me feel like I’ve never felt before. I’m scared
though. I’m so scared that if he found out, that he wouldn’t want me, and I
really want him to want me.” I pause, trying to get my emotions under control.
“Daddy seems to like him a lot too. Told me that he thinks Connor is in deep
with me. I know I’m in deep with him. Connor makes me feel like it is ok to let
my guard down. He makes me feel like it is ok for my body to feel things and
for my heart to beat again. You know how closed off I am. I never let anyone
in.” A breeze blows through the trees making them sway, and blowing a stray
lock of hair in front of my face. It feels like it’s Momma answering me,
letting me know that she is here listening to me.

I take a deep breath; I have to get this off my chest. The
guilt is eating at me and I need to tell someone. I know that Momma will be so
disappointed in me, but I need to say the words out loud. “Momma, I really wish
you were here to hold me right now, I need you. I am so ashamed. I can’t
believe I was so stupid.” My voice feels like it is about to get caught in my
throat. “I’ve only ever kept one secret from you and Daddy. I’m telling you now
because I know you can’t tell Daddy.” I wipe away a tear that has started to
roll down my cheek. I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to.

Sighing I look back down at her name. “It was all my fault.
I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough. I was so stupid to
let myself get in that situation.” The tears are streaming down my face now. I
take a few minutes to try to collect myself. I have to say it out loud.

“I told him ‘No’ Momma, really, I did. But he was too
strong. I thought he cared for me. I didn’t think he could be that cruel.” It’s
starting to get hard to breathe. My body starts rocking back and forth. “I was
starting to get passed it. I was starting to be able to put it out of my
memory. Connor was making me think it was ok to feel again. He won’t ever want
to touch me if he knew what I did.” I stop to wipe away more tears that are
coming down my cheeks, but it’s no use.

“When I saw him this afternoon, I knew that I’d never be
able to let it go. I couldn’t breathe, that look on his face made me want to
vomit. They way he said my name made my skin crawl and I remembered the way he
said it that night.” I try to calm my breathing, failing miserably. I feel like
I may hyperventilate. “I’m so sorry, Momma! I’m so sorry! Matt raped me,
Momma!” I cry as I bury my face in my hands and the sobs wrack my body.

“Motherfucker!” I hear Sly’s voice scream behind me.

I feel strong hands wrapping around my shoulders and I’m
pulled into Connor’s lap. “Lynae, baby, it’s ok. I’m here.”

I turn and grip onto his shirt,
clinging to him. “I’m so sorry! I couldn’t make him stop. I tried! It’s all my
fault!” I sob and hiccup into him. Connor is here. Connor heard me tell Momma
what happened. Connor knows.

~

I am still numb when Connor walks me into the hotel room.
Thank God he brought me here instead of going back to Sly’s house. I honestly
don’t think that I will ever be able to step foot in that place again. Not
after knowing that Matt has been living there for the past three weeks. He had
moved away after high school, and Sly never mentioned that he was back in town,
yet alone his new roommate.

“Yeah. You tell that fuckhead that if I see him again, he is
dead!” Connor seethes into the phone. “I’m getting her settled, then I’ll come
by to get our bags. He’s gone? Good! You go check on Gina. I’ll take care of
Lynae.”

I crawl onto the king size bed at the end of the suite,
kicking off my flip-flops, curling into a ball listening to Connor on the
phone. He’s on the phone with Sly. After I cried into Connor’s arms for I don’t
know how long at the cemetery, he and Sly managed to get me off the ground and
into the passenger seat of my SUV.

I didn’t hear them come up behind me while I was talking to
Momma. I was finally letting out all of the pain and shame I had been holding
onto for eight long years. When I heard Sly scream and felt Connor’s arms
engulfing me, it felt like my world had shattered all over again. A shudder
runs through my body thinking about the fact that Connor now knows what a
horrible person I am. He will never want to be with me now that he knows the
truth. I start to cry again.

“Baby, shh. I’m right here.” Connor is instantly at my side
again. He is kneeling beside the bed, stroking my face. “I won’t let him hurt
you again. I promise you that. We don’t have to go back to the house.”

I cry harder. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for it to
happen!” My voice comes out hoarse and broken from sobbing. “I wanted you to be
the one. I would have wanted it to be you.” I turn away from him, curling in on
myself even more, scooting away from Connor and into the middle of the bed.

I feel the bed dip as Connor lays down beside me, wrapping
his arms around me, pulling me into him. “Listen to me, Lynae. You did nothing
wrong. That was not your fault. Do you understand me, baby?” His hold on me
tightens. “That asshole did that. You are innocent in this, Sweetness.”

We lay like this for what could be minutes or hours. I’m not
sure. Connor has been stroking my hair and kissing the back of my head as I
cried until I calmed myself again. My heart is aching because I fear that he
won’t look at me the same again. I have yet to look into his eyes. I’m afraid
that when I do, all the passion that I used to see will be replaced with
disgust. Even though Connor has only been in my life for a few weeks, he feels
like he was meant for me. My heart feels like it beats just to know him. I have
to admit to myself that I am not only falling in love with this man, but I
already have. I have finally opened up and given my heart to someone, only to
have it broken again.

I turn over in Connor’s arms to face him. I can’t avoid this
any longer. “I’ll understand if you hate me. I’ve hated myself for so long.” I
finally look up into his eyes. I am completely stunned by the expression
looking back at me. Instead of disgust, I see compassion and longing.

“Hate you? How could I hate you?” Connor cups my cheek; his
thumb wiping away a few tears still clinging there. “Babe, you are the most
perfect person that I have ever met. I don’t know how you have kept that pain
inside for so long. There is no reason, and I mean no reason at all for you to
hate yourself.”

“I am far from perfect. I am a broken mess. I can’t expect
you to want me after knowing what I did.”

“You. Did. Not. Do. Anything. Wrong.” Connor says
determinedly as he looks deep into my eyes. “And you are not broken.” He places
a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I swear to you, I want to kill that bastard for
hurting you.” Connor pulls me tightly to him, my head becoming buried in his
chest. “What can I do to make you understand that?”

Connor’s embrace feels like the safest haven I have ever
known. I inhale his scent. It’s unique to him. He smells like home. That’s the
only way I can describe it. Connor makes me want to forget the past and move on
to my future. He makes me want to live my life. I want to give myself to him,
body and soul; he already has my heart. I’m afraid that he won’t want me back,
even though he says it’s not my fault.

“I just want to forget. I want to make it all go away.” I
mumble into his chest.

Connor pulls back from me, his hand drawing my chin up so he
can see me. “What was that, baby?”

“Make it go away.” I plead. “Please” I lean forward to press
my lips against his.

Connor doesn’t kiss me back. I guess I was right. He doesn’t
want me anymore. This thought makes my already shattered heart break apart a
little more. I move to pull away from him, but he grips my shoulders, holding
me still.

“You don’t want me. I get it.” I try to hold back the tears
that are threatening to fall again.

Connor closes his eyes, leaning his head back. “Baby,
believe me. I do want you. I’ve wanted you from the first moment I laid my eyes
on you. I just don’t want to hurt you.” When he opens his eyes again, his
emerald pools bore into me.

“I need this. I need us. I need you to make it all go away.”
My eyes are begging him.

“You’re hurting right now. I don’t want to add to that.
Sweetness, I don’t want to take advantage of you while you’re in pain and not
thinking.” Connor sighs.

Something snaps inside me, I gather the strength to say what
is really in my heart. Something I think I have known all along, but couldn’t
see it. “I am thinking clearly. I didn’t get a choice before. Matt took that
choice away from me. Here. Now. I am making my choice. That choice is you. I
want to be with you, Connor, but I’m scared.” I reach up to kiss Connor again to
show him that I mean what I’m saying.

This time Connor kisses me back. His lips press forcefully
onto mine. His tongue begins tracing the seam of my mouth, seeking entrance.
Connor kisses me deeply and passionately. He has maneuvered us to where he is
bracing himself over me, and I am on my back.

“Lynae, I am a man. I only have so much control, but I will
stop whenever you want me to. I want you so damn bad, but I only want what you
want. Please tell me what it is that you need from me, Sweetness.” Connors eyes
are blazing but hesitant.

I reach up, taking his face between both of my hands.
“Connor, I need you. I want this. I want you. Please.”

“I don’t have any condoms with me, babe. I didn’t expect
anything from you.” Connor’s eyes bore into mine.

I look up at him, “I trust you.” And I’ve been on the pill
for years. My cycles have always been irregular, but the pill helps fix that.

Connor doesn’t ask any more questions. His lips crash down
onto mine, consuming me in a raw and ravenous kiss. I rake my hands down his
back, then under his shirt. His skin is warm and solid with muscle. His lips
travel from my mouth over my jaw, then down my neck. Connor’s hand slides my
camisole straps down my shoulders as he nips at the tender skin behind my ear.

I tug at his shirt. I want it off of him. Connor lifts his
head up, then reaches back grabbing the back collar of his shirt, pulling if
off with one quick yank, tossing it off the side of the bed. I get my first
glimpse of his broad chest without a shirt on. He is tan and chiseled. The
tattoo that I always saw peeking out of his shirt sleeve on his left arm
extends completely over the bicep and shoulder onto his chest. It’s a unique
tribal design with the words “Shameful Regret” in a beautiful cursive script
blended in perfectly.

Connor shifts his weight to his knees, sitting up straddling
me. He moves his hands down to either side of my waist, then slowly starts to
peel my shirt up my body. He leans forward, dipping his tongue into my navel as
his hands continue raising my shirt. Once the shirt has uncovered my breasts,
he removes it all the way. I am left lying there in my denim shorts and black
lace demi bra. Connor’s gaze shifts to my breasts where I’m sure he can see my
nipples pushing against the fabric. “So beautiful.” He whispers moving his
mouth to place a kiss to each taut peak over my bra. I moan in ecstasy.

Connor scoots down my body, so that he is kneeling over my
thighs. He takes one of his hands and gently grips my waist, while the other
moves to unbutton my shorts. He looks at me questioningly. I simply nod. I am
terrified, yet exhilarated at the same time. He unzips my shorts, then slowly
peels them down my legs, his hands gliding along my skin sending shivers
throughout my body.

Now, left only in my black lace bra and matching panties, I
feel completely exposed. My heart his beating so hard in my chest, it feels as
though it may burst right through. The look in Connor’s eyes makes me feel as
beautiful as he says I am. I feel desirable. Connor stands up from the bed to
remove his jeans. When they drop to the floor, I see the large bulge in his
boxer briefs. His erection is straining against the confines of the fabric.
With Connor just standing there gazing at me, I begin to feel self-conscious. I
move to cover my body with my arms, but he quickly lies down beside me,
stopping me.

“I could look at your body all damn day. My God, Sweetness,
you are incredible.” Connor whispers as he nuzzles his head into the crook of
my neck while his hand grazes down my abdomen, coming to rest just above the
hem of my panties. I feel a warm tightness building deep within and moisture
floods my panties. My body is starting to feel hot all over.

“Please.” I beg. Although, I’m not sure what it is that I’m
begging for. I just need more. I need Connor.

Connor’s hand begins to descend further down, dipping into
my panties. His large hand is now cupping my sex. His middle finger parts my
slick folds, finding that hard nub that is aching to be touched. My hips buck
off the bed when his fingertip brushes over my clit. “I’ve got you, Sweetness.
I’m going to take care of you.” He purrs, slipping one finger deep inside my
wet entrance. “Oh, baby. You are so fucking tight.”

I press my head into the pillow. The feeling is so exquisite
and intense, I’m not sure I can take any more. Then Connor slips another finger
inside, curling them back and forth. His thumb begins to rub circles onto my
hardened nub. “Ah!” I cry out out, my hips arching into his hand, my body
feeling like it may rip in two. “Connor!” my voice sounds foreign to me. My sex
starts spasming around his fingers. Connor brings his mouth over mine, kissing
me deeply, swallowing my moans.

When my body calms, Connor starts to remove my panties. He
trails kisses down my neck, over my lace-covered breasts, and along my abdomen.
He stops right
there
. “What are-’ I try to ask, but when his hot mouth
covers my core, his rough tongue piercing my entrance then flicking over my
clit, I loose my train of thought. “Oh God!” I moan.

“Sweeter than any candy ever made, baby.” Connor’s hot
breath over my super sensitive skin sends chills up my spine. I’m writhing
wantonly on the bed. Undecipherable moans escapes my lips. Connor uses his
elbows and forearms to hold my legs down and open as his fingers part my folds.
He slips first one, then two fingers into my drenched sex as he sucks harder
and harder on my throbbing clit. My body goes over the edge once again when he
bites gently on my nub, then soothes it with a gentle kiss. When my body comes
back down to earth, I open my eyes to see Connor leaning over me at my side. I
can feel is hard length digging into my hip.

“The sight of you letting go is the sexiest fucking thing I
have seen in all my life.” Connor’s hot breath whispers over my lips.

I gather the courage to reach my hand over to stroke him
through his boxer briefs. He is hard as stone and very large. He groans as he
rocks into my hand. I take a deep breath, then dip my hand under the waistband
to grasp his shaft. He sucks in a deep and ragged breath. Connor’s cock is
thick. My fingers barely wrap all the way around him. I glide my hand up and
down the veined shaft that feels like a steel rod wrapped in velvet. When my
hand comes to the tip, I jerk it away quickly. I feel two cool metal balls protruding
from either side of the head of his cock.

“Babe, you need to stop, or this will be over before it even
begins.” Connor’s voice is strained and husky with lust. He opens his eyes,
noticing the shocked expression on my face. “Are you ok, Sweetness?”

I may be inexperienced, but I certainly know what an
apadravya is. I hadn’t expected Connor to have one. He didn’t seem like the
“pierced” type of guy. I guess in my mind, I only thought that people
completely covered with tattoos and other piercings would pierce themselves
down there. The idea of those metal balls along with his thick shaft moving
inside me makes me squirm with need and fear all at the same time. I feel like
I won’t be enough to please him. I force that thought from my mind and reach
out to grasp his hard length once more. I place open-mouthed kisses along his
neck. I can feel the vibrations on my lips as he begins to moan in pleasure
again.

Connor reaches behind me to unclasp my bra then pulls it
from my body. I am completely bared to him. My breasts feel heavy with want and
need, my nipples are taut and peaked, just the softest graze of his hand has my
body shuddering. Connor shifts his body so he can pull his own underwear off,
flinging them off the side of the bed onto the pile of our clothes on the
floor. His body is utterly gorgeous. Rock hard abs, the tight “V” muscle cut
into his hips leading to his thick cock with that piercing that is glinting as
the sunlight peeks through the curtains. I’m suddenly afraid that he won’t fit.
He’s that big.

Connor gently pushes my shoulders back so I’m reclining flat
on my back again. His head lowers to my chest and he sucks one hard nipple into
his mouth, while showing attention to the other with his fingers. His other
hand reaches down between us to rub and pinch my clit again. “I want you so
bad, Sweetness, but I’ll stop if you want me to.” He says between kisses on my
breast. “But please don’t ask me to stop.”

I want this. I need this. This is my choice. I can feel
Connor slowly picking up the pieces of my heart and putting me back together
again. “I am broken. Please, make me whole again.”

Connor locks his gaze with mine as he slowly starts to sink
into my core. He pushes inch by glorious inch in until he completely filled me.
Tears prick my eyes. There is an extremely tight burning sensation as he starts
to pull back slightly, the balls of his piercing gliding along my inner walls.
“Am I hurting you? God! You’re so tight and hot!” Connor hisses through gritted
teeth. “I want to move. Are you ok if I move?”

“Yes. Just go slow.” I pant. “Oh, God!” I moan as he pulls
back so that he is almost completely out, then starts to plunge back inside me.
“Connor!”

I arch my back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as my
hips tentatively start to move with him. This encourages Connor to move a
little faster and harder. I begin to feel that now familiar building deep
within me again, only this time, it feels so much more intense. “Please!” I
pant.

Connor changes the angle of his thrusts, his piercing is
rubbing along that magical spot that is making the room spin. His pubic bone is
grinding along my clit, causing the most delicious friction. In the next
instant, like a guitar string that is pulled to tight, I snap. My body spirals
out of control. Hot waves of molten pleasure cascade over me, radiating from my
center out to my head and toes. Two more thrusts, and I can feel Connor growing
impossibly larger inside me,
 
reaching
his climax, screaming “Holy fuck!” as he pumps into me. Just the feel of his
cock twitching as he comes is enough to make my own orgasm extend unbelievably
long.

As we lay there catching our breath, I realize that I really
do feel whole again. I feel safe and protected. Connor’s head is resting on my
chest. He leans up, looking at me smiling softly. “Lynae. Sweetness, I think
I’m falling in love with you.”

My heart couldn’t possibly feel more full than it does right
at this moment. “I think I already have.”