IMPULSE: Companion to The PULSE Series (13 page)

"I hate myself." She tries to hang her head down but my grip is too strong.

"You can't do this to yourself." I kiss the tip of her nose. "You made a decision at the time that was right for you." I mean the words. She was young and overwhelmed.

She nods but there's no conviction behind it at all. "I try not to think about her too much. I can't. It hurts." Her hand leaps to her chest.

"You can't think about it." I want to reassure her. I want her to believe that she did what was best for both her and her daughter.

She scans my eyes with her own. "I asked Thomas about her at the wedding."

"That's why he flipped out?" I run the pad of my thumb over her cheek. "What did you ask him?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I just wanted to know what she was like. I asked if she was happy."

It's pure Jessica. It's natural that she'd asked. I can't imagine her not caring about a child she gave birth to. "What did he say?"

"He told me to mind my own fucking business."

My shoulders tense at the words. Thomas is such a fucked up piece of shit. "Why was he even there?"

"At Julie's wedding?"

I nod. "Does he even know your sister?"

She bites the edge of her bottom lip. "He knows her husband. There's some business connection there."

"I wish you would have told me about him that night, Jessica," I say softly. I don't want to sound like an asshole. She just confessed to having a child with another man and I'm riding her ass about not telling me about it. I can see how it's broken her.

"Do you remember when I found out about you and Cassandra?"

Cassie's name comes out of left field. I take a moment to register it. "When she brought you to my apartment?"

She pulls her hand across her face before it settles over my fingers. "No. It was later. It was the day you told me about how you dated her because of the twins."

I remember that conversation. When I met Cassandra I was looking to settle down. The fact that she had two toddlers was enough of a pull for me to give up having one night stands. I loved her kids. I spent hours just hanging out with them. If I could have forged a relationship with them, and left Cassie out of the equation, I would have done that. "Yes, I remember that."

"I almost told you about my daughter that day."

"Why didn't you?" I try to sound sympathetic and understanding. The truth is that I'm still reeling from the news that Jessica had a child. How have I loved her for this long and been completely unaware of that?

She etches an invisible line along my top lip with her finger. "You want to be a dad."

It's a statement that doesn't surprise me at all. It's true. I've been dropping hints for months about wanting to have a baby with Jessica. "I do want that."

"I thought that if I…well, I imagined…" she stammers.

"You thought that if you told me you gave up a child that I'd go looking for someone else?" The notion behind the words is crueler than they sound. "Did you really believe that?"

"Drew." Her eyes fill with tears again. "I didn’t tell you because of what you said to Drew that day."

The conversation is flying around so many curves that I can barely keep up. "Drew? What are you talking about?"

"The night I saw you at the bar with him," she hesitates with a deep breath. "That night I punched him. You remember that night?"

I nod. How could I forget? I watched all five feet two inches of her deck a guy a foot taller than her. "I'll never forget that night."

"Neither will I." Her gaze is steady and measured. "That's the night you told Drew he was a horrible excuse for a parent because he abandoned his kids."

I can't think right now. I try to push my memory back to that night but I've blocked out most of it. I hurt Jessica so much that night. I ripped her heart out and threw it against the floor. It had taken months to get her to trust me again after that. There's no way in hell I can remember exactly what I said to Drew. "That wasn’t about you. That was about Drew."

"I heard you tell him that he wasn't taking care of his kids."

"Jesus, Jessica." I run my fingers over her cheeks. "That was about him. He was gambling away everything. He wasn't taking care of his own children. Cassie was struggling to make it on her own with those two kids."

"Exactly." She pushes my hands away. "I haven't taken care of my own child either."

Trying to reason with her isn't going to work. There's no way in hell I could have known that she gave her child to its father when I said those things about Drew. "Jessica, listen to me."

"I'm listening," she says with little emotion. "I've always listened to you. I've watched you." She's on her feet now.

I pull myself up and sit on the edge of the bed. "What do you mean you've watched me?"

"I've watched you with your niece and nephew. I see how much you love them." She lowers herself next to me on the bed. "You would have loved her too, Nathan. You would have loved my daughter too."

Regret. It's there washing over her like a tidal wave. It's not just about the fact that she wishes she would have kept her child. It's more than that. It's about the family we could have already been.

"If I had her with me when we met, you would have loved her too, wouldn’t you?"

I can't lie to her. I promised her that when we first met. "Yes, Jessica. I would have loved her too."

She's back on her feet. I don't stop her as she races down the hallway, slamming the washroom door behind her.

"I'd like to see the contract." I stand next to the bed. I'd gone to work in my home office while she was in the washroom. I know when Jessica needs space. I give it to her. I can't take that away from her.

She doesn't turn to look at me. "I have it somewhere. I guess I can find it."

"It's important." My leg twitches. I want to climb into the bed next to her. I want to wrap my arms and legs around her. I want to pull her into my chest and never let her go.

She flips over in one easy movement. "Why is it important?"

I'm not going to give her any false hope. Naturally, my mind jumped to the validity of the agreement. I need to know if she gave up all of her parental rights. I need to know if the contract she signed is legal and binding. I need to know if that little girl who is a part of the woman I love is happy in the home she's living in.

"Nathan, tell me why you need to see it."

"I'm a lawyer, Jessica." I slide under the sheet. "I have to look it over."

I see the defeat in her eyes. She was looking for something more. She has to know that even if there's a loophole that deems the agreement null and void that ripping a six-year-old child away from her family has far reaching consequences.

"I'll look for it tomorrow." She turns back around. "I haven't looked at it since I signed it."

I nod as I hold tightly to her body. "Thank you, Jessica."

"For what?" She cranes her neck to the side. "Why are you thanking me?"

"Thank you," I begin as I tap my hand against her chest. "Thank you for finally letting me in here."

***

"Pam," I say her name as if we've been friends for years. Based on the hug she gave me when she came barreling into my office earlier, it feels like we've known each other for a lifetime. "I'm very close to a settlement now."

"My grandfather would be happy." She clasps her hands together in her lap.

"He was a great guy," I offer. Since Mr. Wilkinson had died, I'd been fighting with Anthony Mercado's counsel to come to an agreement. I was glad for the distraction. Jessica had thrown herself full force back into her school work and her job at Axel NY. I knew that it was a coping tool. She was trying to drown out the knowledge that she's never had a relationship with her daughter. We've only spoken briefly about it once since that night. She explained in pained detail that her mother is constantly reminding her of how she stole her only grandchild away from her. Now, the emotional distance that I saw when I was in Bloomfield makes perfect sense.

"He spoke very highly of you, Mr. Moore."

"It's Nate," I offer. I don't want anyone to call me Nathan but Jessica. I love the way my name sounds when she says it. It fuels a part of me that I never knew existed until I met her. "That's hard to imagine, "I chuckle. "He never seemed very impressed with me."

"Really?" There's genuine surprise in the question. "He talked about you a lot. He said your work ethic is amazing."

I'm beginning to wonder if she doesn't understand the meaning of sarcasm. I can picture Mr. Wilkinson having dinner with his granddaughters as he grumbles on about what a great guy I am, all the while seething because I ignored all twenty five of his phone calls that day. "He was pretty amazing himself."

"I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather." She smiles softly. "He always said that he was specially chosen to be my granddad."

"That's lovely," I grin. "I'm hoping one day I can be the type of grandfather he was."

"He practically adopted me and my sister after our mother died."

"Your mother died?"

"When I was young," she says in a muted tone. "It was an overdose. It was accidental they said."

I don't know how to respond other than with what's expected. "I'm sorry."

"Granddad wasted no time taking us in." She folds her left hand over the right in her lap. "It was an easy transition for us. He lived next door with his wife so we just took our pillows and clothing and moved in."

"You moved in with him and your grandmother?"

"Yes," she chuckles softly. "I mean no."

I cock a brow. "I'm not following."

"She never thought of us as her grandchildren." She waves her hand through the air. "She never really paid us much mind."

"Your grandmother didn't consider you her grandchildren?"

"Granddad didn’t explain this to you?" She tilts her head to the side. "You don't know, do you?"

I don't know much of anything lately it seems. "He explained that you and your sister were close to him," I offer as a starting point. I obviously need her to fill in many of the blanks.

"We lived next door to him and his wife when we were children."

I don't interrupt. I only nod, encouraging her to continue.

"He was our neighbor. He and his wife didn't have any children."

Wait. What? "Your mother wasn't his daughter?"

"No." Her tone is firm. "She lived in the house with our dad until he took off."

"Mr. Wilkinson was your neighbor?"

She sighs deeply. "He was that to begin with. Then he became our granddad. We loved him so much."

I meet her eyes with my own. "He loved you a lot too. He told me as much."

"He always said that families aren't about blood. They're about love." She tips her chin down with the words. "I was lucky to have him."

"He was lucky to have you too."

"Nathan?"

"Yes?" My head darts up from the desk in my home office. "Do you need something, Jessica?"

"Are you busy?" Her eyes move from my face to the screen of my laptop.

I slam it shut with one quick flip of my wrist. "I'm never too busy for you."

"You're charming." She smiles at me from the doorway.

I smile back relishing in how beautiful she looks wearing tattered sweat pants and one of my football jerseys. Her hair is pulled into a high ponytail on her head. "Tell me what I can do for you."

She cocks a brow. "I wouldn't even know where to start with that."

I run my tongue over my bottom lip. I haven't made love with her for days. The last time was when I ate her out before she confessed everything to me. I want her so badly. I ache for her touch but I want her to heal. I want her to feel strong enough to share herself with me in every way. "You know I'll do whatever you want me to do to your body."

"That hasn't changed?"

I can't digest the question. "What do you mean?"

"You don't want me any less now that you know?" Her gaze falls to her bare feet.

"That I know that you're a mother?"

"Yes," she whispers under her breath. "You haven't tried to fuck me since that night."

"Jessica." Her name escapes me in a breathless whisper as I rise from my chair. "My body aches for your body every minute of the day. That will never change."

Her brow furrows slightly at my response. "I felt like everything was different."

"Why?" I take a few strong strides across the room until I'm standing directly in front of her. "Why would you feel that?"

"You've been so quiet." Her hands reach for the collar of my shirt. "You've come into your office every night to work."

"It's been an adjustment for us both." My hands circle her waist. "My feelings haven't changed at all. I think I love you more actually."