IMPULSE: Companion to The PULSE Series (10 page)

"I love you, Nathan." Her voice cracks with the words.

I pull her back into me. I rest her head against my chest. "I love you too, Jessica. I love you so much."

She fell asleep almost instantly after I carried her to the bed. I've watched her sleep for more than three hours now. The only break I took was to scurry to the kitchen to grab an apple. I can't pull myself away from her. This beautiful woman that I adore more than anything on this earth is in a battle with herself. She's fighting her own demons and I've been so fucking worried that she's screwing someone else that I haven't noticed that.

The shrill bite of a cell phone cuts through the dark silence. She pushes against me before her eyes pop open. It takes a moment for her to register where she is. I see it within her expression.

"You fell asleep," I say quietly between the phone's rings. "I wanted you to sleep all night."

"Is that my phone?" She's sitting now, her gaze flowing over the darkened space.

I point towards the nightstand. "It's my phone."

"You should get it." She leans over me, her full, round breasts brushing against my chest. "It might be important."

"It's not important."

"You don't know that." She inches her reach closer to the phone. "What if it's about work?"

I grab her hand to stall it. "I don't care who it is. This is more important."
She stops and stares at me. "I'm sorry I was crying in the shower."

My hand jumps to my chest at the words. I feel an instant ache inside of me. "You're sorry for crying?" I ask. "You're sorry that you were upset? Why?"

"You have such a high pressure job." She leans back and I let go of her hand. "I don't want to add to that."

It's a weak excuse. Jessica has never been overly concerned with the stress of my work. It's not for lack of interest. She's always pressing me to work less and live more. Right now, she's using it as an excuse to hide behind her own wall of secrets. Seeing her body overcome with sadness when I got home pushed me to my breaking point. "We have to talk about what's going on."

I see her shut down right before my eyes.  She's not about to start a confessional about her and the Governor. I'm going to have to rip every detail out of her with pointed questions. I get that. I see it.

"I was just having a bad day."

"You're lying." I don't see any reason to mince words. I'm not going to let her waste my time by leading down a path that has no eventual destination. She's better at diverting than I am which says a lot considering my career path.

Her reaction isn't instantaneous. She stalls before she finally speaks. "You have no right calling me a liar."

It's a weak defense. "I call it like I see it, Jessica. Don't bullshit me anymore."

Her brow pops up and in the dim light of the room I can't register anything more in her expression. "You're still hung up on Thomas talking to me, aren't you?"

If the woman knew how to shoot a gun, she'd be an expert marksman. That hit and it hurt. Her intended target, namely me, didn't even see that coming. "No. I saw him."

I wait for her reaction. It's going to tell me a lot about whether she's talked to him since this afternoon. She's horrible at disguising her true feelings. "When?"

I arch my brow. "You didn't know?"

"Know what?" She leans back on her elbows creating distance between us on the bed.

"Christ," I say under my breath. "Let's not play games."

"I'm not playing any games."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Jessica." I push on her forearm. "I saw Thomas. I saw him today."

She's up on her ass in an instant, the sheet falling to reveal her plump tits. "I told you I handled that. Why did you go see him?"

I level my eyes on her face. I can't stare at her ripe, beautiful body if I'm going to make any headway with this. "He came to see me."

"Why?"

I need to be at eye level with her when I discuss this so I sit up and lean my back into the heavy, wooden headboard. "He wanted me to give you a message."

Her hand bolts to pull the sheet up over her chest. She feels exposed. I can see it not only in the movement of her body, but I can hear it in how labored her breathing has suddenly become. "What message?"

I want to touch her. If I touch her, she'll know that we're connected regardless of what her asshole of an ex-lover said to me. I skim my hand along her leg. "He told me you signed an agreement."

Her head darts to the side. She stares directly at me. "That's all he said?"

I spare her the juvenile details of the Governor's need to talk about her oral skills. My skin is still on fire from that comment. "He wanted me to remind you that you signed a confidentiality agreement."

"He didn't tell you more than that?" There's a hopeful lilt to her voice that wasn't there before. I can sense the relief washing off her shoulders. She's suddenly less tense. She leans forward, letting her arms relax at her sides.

"He didn't." I lean forward too trying desperately to catch her gaze. "You're going to tell me more."

Her breathing stalls. I hear her swallow. "I'm going to tell you more?"

"You are," I say, trying not to sounds as completely impatient as I feel. "You're going to tell me exactly what he's holding over your head."

She pulls her fingers through her hair before settling them on her lap. "I can't do that." There's no defiance at all in her tone. It's a simple, stated fact.

"Why not?"

"I signed that agreement, Nathan." She tosses her legs over the side of the bed. "If I break it, he can sue me."

"I'm a fucking lawyer, Jessica." I pull on her arm stopping her in place. "You can tell me."

"I can't." She tries in vain to break free of my grasp. "I can't tell anyone."

I tug harder on her, willing her to turn and face me. "You know you can tell me. I understand the ramifications."

She only shakes her head from side-to-side with her back still turned to me. "He'll find out I told you."

"He can't." I push. "There's no fucking way he'll ever know."

She jerks her arm free of my hand. "I'm not going to tell you. I can't risk it."

I don't register the words. They only hold one meaning to me. "You don't trust me."

"It's not that." Her back is to me. "It's not about you."

The words are empty. It's the actions that are screaming at me. "If you trusted me you would fucking tell me what that asshole is holding over your head."

"I'm not talking about this." She's on her feet reaching for her robe. "You can't make me talk about this."

I pull my hand across my brow in exaggerated frustration. "I shouldn't have to make you talk about anything, Jessica.  Christ, I fucking love you.  I want to help you. Can't you see that?"

"You're asking me to break a promise I made." Her voice cracks as she says the words. "I can't do that."

The unspoken reference to Thomas bites into me. Is she fucking serious? Did she just say that she can't break a promise to that douchebag? "You're worried about breaking a promise you made to that son-of –a-bitch?"

"Not him." She spins around on her heel, her hair catching on the side of her face. "To myself. I promised myself I wouldn't talk about it ever."
I know I should understand. I get that I'm supposed to be the more mature one based on the fact that I'm eight years older than she is, but I can't get there. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that the woman I would give anything to won't share this secret with me. "This is killing me inside, Jessica." I bolt to my feet now too. "You're shutting me out."

"Don’t make this about you." Her finger waves through the air at me. "You have secrets too."

I don't. I've laid myself bare before her. I've given her everything she's ever asked of me. I haven't held anything back. "You know everything about me, Jessica. Everything."

She shakes her head in frustration. "I don't. I don't know everything."

I'm not going to follow her down a road into the pit of my past indiscretions. I was a man whore before we met. I've admitted that. I did some stupid, reckless things when we were first together. I've owned up to all of that. I'm not going to let her drag my past back into this. "I'm not going to let you bring up my past again. It has nothing to do with this."

She freezes in place. Her eyes dart around the room. She's looking for an escape route, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one. She wants out. I see it in her expression. She wants this conversation to be over. "I can't do this right now," she whispers softly.

"I can't keep living in the dark." I reach for my own robe that I threw on a chair this morning. "I have been nothing but transparent with you, Jessica. You know everything about me. It's your turn to tell me what's going on."

"It's in the past." She takes a step towards the foot of the bed before she stops.

I move towards her. I don't want to crowd her but there's no way in hell I'm letting her out of this room. "You can trust me with anything." I need to sound as sure about this as I feel. I'm scared. I'm scared shitless that she's going to tell me something that will throw my heart out into orbit. I've never allowed myself the chance to love a woman before. This is new territory for me. I need her to trust in me, just as much as I trust in her.

"It's not that simple," she says, defeat coursing over the words. "I've never told anyone about it."

That's progress. It's a small confession but it's telling. This has been pulling at her for years. She's hidden it away from everyone.

"I can't tell you, Nathan." She lowers herself onto the corner of the bed, her back still turned to me. "I can't talk about it."

He hurt her. He hurt her in ways that have now defined her. "What did he do to you?"

"I did it to myself." Her voice is so soft. It filters into the room with a silent ease. "I made my own choices."

"I can help you." I'm around the bed now, standing in front of her. "Let me help you."

She looks up and in that instant I see a different person within her eyes. The soft, gentle soul that is always staring back at me has been replaced by a vacant shell. "No one can help me."

I'm on my knees now, my hands resting on either side of her body. "Jessica. It's me. We tell each other everything. Just fucking tell me."

Her eyes scan my face and for a brief moment her lips part. "I…" her voice trails as my cell phone starts ringing again.

I look to where it's sitting on the nightstand. It's too late for anyone to be calling unless it's an emergency. I ignore it. I have to. Nothing that anyone else has to say to me will ever be as important as this. "I need you to tell me what happened between you and him."

She turns back to look at the still ringing phone. "You should get it."

I shake my head briskly from side-to-side. "No. Jessica, listen to me."

"Get the phone."

I don't move. I wait until the ringing stops. "You're ripping my heart out. Just tell me what the fuck happened to you."

Her hand slides from her lap up my arm to my face. She cradles my cheek within her small palm. Just as she bites her bottom lip a single tear falls from her eye. "I did something bad."

I feel her pain through me. It bites into my heart. "I can help you. Just tell me."

She hesitates before leaning forward to kiss me softly on my mouth. Her lips are lush and warm. I lean into the kiss. I know she needs the physical connection to feel close to me. I need that too.

I feel lost the moment she pulls back. "It was so long ago, Nathan. I can't change any of it now."

I scoop her hand into mine and bring it to my lips. I need to kiss her still. I want to feel my lips touching her. "You don't need to change it. You can share it. It will help."

"Nothing will help." Her tone is stronger and more determined. "Nothing will ever change what I did."

She wants me to give up. I can see in her eyes that she's growing weary. I'm exhausting her with my unending assault. I need to get to the bottom of what's going on with her. I need her to tell me before this thing pulls her away from me for good. "I'm not going to give up, Jessica," I say with determined clarity. "You have to tell me."

She pulls back, her hand dropping from mine. "I can't."

"I need you to."

She taps her foot on the hardwood floor. She's restless. She's aching to bolt but I'm trapping her body with mine. It's as much to take comfort in how close we are as it is to keep her in place.

"I won't tell you."

I lean forward resting my head briefly in her lap. "You have to tell me."

I feel her fingers weave through my hair before she harshly pulls my head back up. She stares at me in silence, her eyes never wavering from mine. "You aren't listening to me, Nathan."

I'm exasperated. I can't keep running in the same circle trying to catch her. She has to give me a little. If she won't, I don't know how the two of us can move forward. "I am listening to you. We are in a relationship with each other, Jessica," I say each word with force. "I love you. I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what the fuck happened between you and Thomas."