Howl (23 page)

“Speaking of that, what is the plan?”

“As of right now, I'm just trying to keep our
two families from killing each other. After everything is done, I'm
hoping to send Tristan and maybe John or Will out to the other
packs along the East coast. Start making contact and find out what
is actually happening. We're going to have to prepare ourselves if
this takes off the way Jason intended it to. But it's not just the
wolf packs I'm worried about. Jason kept several humans in his
pocket, not just the two that attacked Jaime. We've tried tracking
them but it seems they've skipped town.”

“Jaime's attackers have been arrested,
right?”

“Yeah. They were charged with breaking and
entering and aggravated assault. I think their trial date is set
for early February.”

“Are they still ranting about the wolfman?”
Thomas’ expression turned suddenly grave.

I nodded. “Apparently they've threatened
their attorneys and several police. They keeping saying that Jason
will turn them into werewolves and when he does, they will get
their revenge. So far the police just think they're nuts but
honestly, we're going to be walking a very fine line for a
while.”

“Where does Jaime fit in all of this?”
Thomas' question caught me off guard.

The dream I had in August came back to me. I
had the blood of several people on my hands now, not just Jaime.
Though he survived the gunshot and was well into his recovery, I
had avoided him for several weeks. I couldn't bring myself to talk
to him. Not after what happened. I had brought him into my world
when I was more human than beast. Everything was different now.

“I don’t think he does.” I murmured, turning
away.

*

I spent that night alternating between
staring at the knotted patches of my ancient quilt and my bedside
lamp, thinking non-stop about the future. The possibility of a
coming war, maintaining two packs whose animosity raged worse than
any river, and Jaime, my human lover. The prophetic confrontation
between Jaime, Gavin, and Thomas replayed over and over in my
mind.

He will never be able to understand you. Not
in the way you deserve.

What did I deserve, really? I was no longer
just a hunter; I was a true killer. Jaime could never love me if he
knew the whole truth. His humanity would never allow it. That
fantasy I had built of us was as fragile as butterfly wings. A
touch is all it takes to damage such a thing and I had smashed mine
with a hammer the day I unleashed my wolf. Even I was human enough
to know this.

And you will spend years walking a line that
he won't ever be able to cross.

I had wanted my future to be mine alone. But
what did that mean to me now that I was more animal than human?

More than a few times Daniel’s face crept
into my thoughts. I told myself from the beginning that I didn’t
trust him. But now, after everything that happened, I was starting
to wondering if was me I hadn’t trusted. Daniel represented
everything I wanted – freedom to simply be.

Around five a.m. I got up. The pine floor was
cold as I stood so put on my moccasins. I listened for a moment at
my door to ensure I was the only one awake before creeping down the
stairs toward the kitchen.

A cup of chamomile tea would surely help me
relax. My body felt heavy and worn-out but I couldn’t lie in bed
anymore. The tea was hot and soothing as I sipped it alone in the
darkness. As I set my cup down I stared at the tiny ripples that
formed, watching a little too intensely. It was nonsensical to
watch the little waves bounce back and forth but it was meditative
in its mindlessness.

There was a stir from down the hall. The
creak of the floorboards and a groan as Granddad stood up told me
that he too was awake. Softly thudding with each step Granddad
walked down the hallway toward the dinning room.

“Hey Sophie, do you mind if sit with you a
while?”

“Sure Granddad.” I replied
unenthusiastically. I wanted to be left alone but I could never
just dismiss my grandfather. We sat in silence though, me not
wanting to vocalize all of the raging emotions and thoughts that
were keeping me awake and Granddad too old and wise to interrupt my
tormented mind. Or so I thought.

“Sophie,” The sound of my name startled me
even though I knew Granddad was sitting across the table from me.
“Sophie, sometimes letting out the demons is freeing.” I couldn’t
say anything. My mind raced to formulate a sentence, to put words
together that could convey a complete thought. But I faltered. My
mind and heart were too frayed.

“Talk to me honey. There’s a reason why
you’re still awake. I’m fairly certain I know that reason but
honestly, it would be better for you to say it out loud, to own
it.” His leathery, spotted hand softly embraced mine as he
spoke.

My grandfather was kind and good. Everyone
who knew him spoke of him in terms of greatness. He was not the
type of leader who would make my mistakes. He was better than that.
Granddad was formidable, true, but he was patient; a natural leader
who never seemed to lose his cool. Gavin knew how hard it would be
to follow after Granddad. I never envied him that. I would never be
Gavin and I would certainly never measure up to my grandfather. In
that moment, I felt so hopeless.

I gave into the tears that were fighting so
hard to be released. My hands shook and I choked on the words “I
ki-killed them, Granddad.” He was right. Speaking the words out
loud, owning up to what I had done was horrifying and freeing at
the same time. I felt as if a thousand weights were lifted off of
me. My body didn’t feel so heavy and though I sobbed with my head
in the crook of my arm, I felt released. I felt a warm, loving hand
on the back of my head.

“I know they were vile but they were still
people. They had lives and a family, hopes and futures. They were
my kind, Granddad. And now, their family is my responsibility! I
have to look at their faces and know what I did. And the worse part
of all is that I couldn’t stop myself. It was as if I became a
machine – the first one, Jason, went down and something inside of
me snapped. I let the wolf in me overrule my humanity.” I sobbed so
hard that my head ached.

My grandfather stroked my hair softly.
Instead of making me feel better, I felt worse. I didn’t deserve
his compassion or love. I was a monster. I never before felt the
hideousness of my werewolf nature. But I felt it then. I was a
verifiable horror. I could, with complete clarity, now see why the
humans feared us – I was the epitome of their nightmarish
writings.

“Honey, I know what you’re going through.”
Granddad barely whispered the words as he spoke. “I have killed
before. The last time was quite a few years ago. You were too young
to remember but I know your mom does.” I listened as his voice
returned to a moment that I thought was impossible. “There was a
boundary issue with another pack that had crept into the western
portion of the state forest. It wasn’t a huge deal at first. The
Alpha was named George Dubry.” My head shot up at this name.

“George Dubry? From upstate New York?” I
wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

“The same. He came to meet with me to discuss
the boundary limits. You see, they were living out near Ashtabula,
Ohio but they were being forced our way because of land development
and a shortage of available game for hunting. I had no problem
sharing a portion of the state park with them since they were a
really small pack, only 5 people total. It was George, his wife
Karen, their two teenagers, and Karen’s brother Patrick.

Well Patrick didn’t like how the negotiations
were working out. He wanted more land than I was willing to give.
So he convinced George later that night to attack our house when we
were asleep. They crept onto our property and caused a commotion
outside. It was meant to draw us out so they could take us by
surprise. It worked, too. Until I shifted and took Patrick down. He
wasn’t a good fighter, no real skill in his attacks. But instead of
forcing him into submission, I killed him. George said he realized
the mistake he’d made. Personally I think he was too weak to try to
take me himself. He promised me that we would never have another
problem from them and they moved up to New York.”

“You killed Karen’s brother?” I couldn’t
imagine my grandfather hurting anything let alone the brother of a
close friend. “How are you friends now?” I tried to wrap my head
around the thought of Granddad fighting and killing.

“Because that’s an Alpha’s job – to do
whatever it takes to protect your family. I know that now and so
does George. At the time, I had my daughter and five grandchildren
to protect. None of you could defend yourselves so I did it for
you. I hated myself afterwards. For a long time actually. I
couldn’t stand to be alone because it left me too much free time to
think about what I had done. But being with my family was
excruciating because I didn’t feel that I deserved their love. I
was hideous and despicable so how could anyone love me?

“But I tell you what, you all are my whole
life and I would do it again if I had to. I protected my pack, my
family, just as you protected us when the time came.”

“Then why does it feel like I'm being split
in two?”

“Because you have to come to terms with your
dual natures. What you see as opposites are not so different. Your
inner wolf gives you instincts that aren’t compatible with your
human rationality. But remember that humans are equally as capable
of evil as good. And they make their choices based on will instead
of instinct.”

“I don't want to be a murderer.” I said
wiping away a few more tears.

“Jason was killing innocent people for no
other reason than a grudge against humanity.” He took my face in
his hands. “If you hadn’t fought the way you did, more lives would
have been lost; I’m sure of it. You took down the Alpha and his
Second because they were a direct threat. He was the murderer, not
you. And remember, you had the chance to kill Daniel, too but you
didn't. He didn't deserve to die and you knew that.”

He sighed and sat back in his chair. “There’s
a reason why female Alphas are rare. Because women’s hearts and
minds are one. Men are more able to separate the two. I’m not
saying either one is better so don’t look at me that way. But
Sophie, if you are to be Alpha you will need to reconcile with
yourself. Hold onto your humanity but don't fear the wolf. You will
need her more than you know.” Granddad pulled me close with one
warm, rough arm. His voice was tender in my ear. “And keep close
those who will keep you.”

Heavy darkness outside the window to my right
slowly turned to little streaks of sunlight creeping across the
table. The sounds of Nina and LJ fussing as they awoke reminded me
that before long, the rest of my family would be up.

Granddad’s words echoed in my mind. I walked
into the living room and fumbled about in our writing desk,
searching for a pen and paper.

I scribbled several lines and folded the
paper in quarters then handed it to Granddad.

“Please go wake Tristan and give this to him.
Tell him to pack a bag. I want him to track down Daniel and give
him this letter.”

Without another word, I grabbed Kylin's
jacket off the back of the chair and took off. In an apartment
several miles east of here, a human man would also be waking soon
and I had much to say to him.

About me:

Pennsylvania native, dreamer, explorer.

I write because I like talking to the voices
in my head. They are (usually) good company. I love to travel (when
I have the $ for it). My family is everything to me.

Get updates and all the latest on my blog,
http://annalisegrey.wordpress.com/

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