Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (25 page)

Shotgun

Your greatest weapon
when battling the undead. Even from afar, a stray bullet – when
finding its way to a zombie’s head – can guarantee
re-death. With a backpack full of shells, and the large quantity of
shotguns being available in virtually every shopping mall, you will
be able to protect yourself from even the thickest of zombie groups.
In combination with the chainsaw, the hunter is virtually
unstoppable.

WARNING:
Children should not play with weapons, let alone guns.

Exercising

Your body must be
very important to you. A strong body equals a strong mind. Arnold
Schwarzenegger – Mr. Olympia 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974,
1975, 1980 – is the governor of California. He starred in such
hit films as Raw Deal and Hercules in New York. If we have learned
anything from following the career of this wise, fit human over the
years, it is that exercising daily and following your dreams can
produce out of the ordinary rewards.

This includes hunting
zombies.

Scientific studies
have shown that working out does indeed make you smarter. Sharpen
your body. Quicken your mind. Rigorous exercise also releases
endorphins, making you feel relaxed and joyous. When training the
body, one should not exclude the limbering benefits of aerobics, as
can be seen in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “behind-the-scenes”
film Pumping Iron.

Soon after its
release, a sequel was made, this time focusing on the women of the
weightlifting universe.

Creating your
Practice Zombie

The practice dummy
can be used to prepare the hunter for zombie-contact. There are two
ways to go about this: 1) Make a dummy from scratch, or 2) Use a
friend to stand in as a dummy.

Making the practice
zombie is rather trouble-free. Simply gather as many discarded
bundles of newspaper as possible to form the skeleton, using tape to
bind them. As a final step, dress the dummy in your clothes for added
realism. Hopefully, this will disturb and anger you.

When asking a friend
to stand-in as a practice zombie, dress them in your clothes to
enforce a feeling of weirdness and instruct them to walk about
slowly. If they are comfortable with it, ask if they can walk into
the furniture and moan in a sexy way. Then put a helmet over his/her
head and instruct them to hold out their arms and try to bite their
shoulder.

Tool Kit

Things You Need

Keep your kit with
you at all times. Reshape stakes daily. Restock all used items. If
possible, tape items to the interior of your backpack, or around your
torso and legs. This will ensure that they will not be lost or
misplaced.

It would benefit you
to fill your kit with the following items:

Smaller
backpack

Purified
bottle of H2O

Matches

Portable
bags of concrete

Knife

Dry
clothes

Wooden
stakes

A whip

The
Zombie Hunter’s Bible

Sustenance
in a can

Opener
for said can

Things You Don’t
Need

There are things that
you don’t need in your kit and will only take up valuable
space. Refrain from taking along unnecessary items, especially those
that are heavy.

The following items
should not be stored into your kit:

A cake
(or any open foods)

Heavy
books

Computers

Electric
fans

DVD
players

VCRs

Televisions

Rodents
(or any form of pet)

Skating
boards

Skating
shoes

For sidekick: If
there is anything you wish to add to your kit, please inform your
Hunter. If they refuse or hate your request, do not argue. They are
most likely right.

Dress code

“The zombie
stood before me as a statue would. It wore sickening clothing:
Wearing only half of its black shirt – the left half. Its
shorts were stained in the front where moss grew. A butterfly flew
out. It also wore a golden chain around its neck. I tried to steal
the golden chain so I could feed my babies, but it took hold of my
hand and licked it. Teeth followed and I yelled out in protest. My
screams did nothing but excite it more. Then she began tearing at my
clothes as we struggled. I was left with nothing but a patch of cloth
to cover my shame. Indeed, I knew what it was like to be a zombie
then. My wife divorced me the next day.”

—
Gargamel,
ex Hunter, ex husband

Dress for success.
The hunter must avoid wearing long clothing to keep the living dead
from latching onto her/him. This means: No wedding dresses, no capes,
and absolutely no “hoodlum” clothing that drag behind the
feet or dangle from the buttocks. You will be the first to be
horribly killed and eaten. Tight clothing is safe clothing. One would
do wise to adopt the various clothing styles utilized by the flaming,
homosexual community.

Choosing the Sidekick

Your sidekick is here
to advise you, here to serve you, to learn from you. Choose them
wisely – for you must care for them as you would a precious
pet. She/he is your child, your baby.

Love them…with
your life.

Skills

Walking

Talking

Squatting

Squealing

Reading
and/or Writing

Caring

Eating

Feeding
(you)

Killing
(themselves – or you when necessary)

Seeing

Cooking

Swimming

Carrying

Singing

Burying
(themselves – or you when necessary)

Attitude

When hiring a
sidekick, pay attention to how they present themselves. Are they
excited? Do they sweat? Are their teeth grinding? Do they bathe? Are
they bathing? When responding to your various questions, do they
spit? Do you spit? Are they polite? Is there eye contact? Do they
wink? Do they sit too close to you? Do they touch you?

These are all
important questions.

They’re
understandable.

Be comfortable with
your decision, for you will be with your sidekick for many days –
possibly years!

Health

If you find that your
potential sidekick is under the weather, seriously consider sending
them home. If your sidekick is noticeably sicklier than a zombie,
they are of no use to you. If for whatever reason you feel compatible
with the sickly sidekick, and wish to keep them in your home, it is
advised that you feed them and bathe them daily to ensure they bestow
a healthy performance on the field.

Vomiting

This is a natural
human/animal reaction. It is inevitable. But how does your potential
sidekick handle regurgitation? When on the field and in battle or on
the run, it would be a severe inconvenience for the hunter to
accommodate their sidekick due to radical vomiting. Make sure that
your sidekick can either hold their throw up in their mouth, or
swallow it entirely.

The Sidekick’s
Code

I, the Sidekick, will
adhere to all of my Zombie Hunter’s wishes. I trust in her/him.
They care for me. They love me. I trust them with a gun. I am here to
learn from them. They can do no harm. If they abuse me –
mentally or psychically – it is because I deserve it for some
reason, and I shall learn from it and not argue. I give my Zombie
Hunter my hand, and foot, and allow them to guide me to the promise
land. In this precious land, the living dead are no more. (cross
arms) End communications.

Signature:

Pay rate

$1000 every other
month.

Insurance

Benefits include but
not limited to: Medical, Dental, and Mental. (All aid provided
physically by hunter when time permits.)

Sample application

(please read entire
application before filling out)

Date:

Contact Info

Name (last):
(first):

Address:

Phone#:

Cell phone #:

Education

School:

Work History

(please list at least
2o past work experiences, starting from the most recent)

1.

2.

3.

4.

(etc.)

Personal

(due to the law, the
following is not required)

Have you ever been
convicted of a crime? If so, why? Y/N

Do you inhale illegal
substances? If so, why? Y/N

Have you ever
encountered a zombie? If so, why? Y/N

Have you ever killed
a zombie? If so, why?

Do you have family?
If so, why? Y/N

Have you accepted the
Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? If so, why? Y/N

Are you single? If
so, why? Y/N

Are you a male? If
so, why? Y/N

I PROMISE, WITH ALL
MY HEART, THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE (please write legibly)

Signature:

Orientation Sheet

You Are on Your
Way to Becoming a Zombie Hunter’s Associate!!

Here is what you can
expect in the next week or so:

Once your drug tests
and background checks have cleared, we will call you in for an
orientation class.

The orientation will
be your actual first day.

Your work week will
begin as soon as you complete your orientation.

It is very
important the following is adhered to:

You were hired based
upon the availability you presented to us at the time you were hired.
It is your responsibility to inform your Zombie Hunter, in advance,
of any changes to your availability. Any changes could lead to
termination.

If you do not have
the necessary documents on file you will not be allowed to start
work.

If you are not in
dress code, you will not be allowed to work and will be sent home.

SOME REMINDERS:

Before Orientation

Thoroughly read The
Zombie Hunter’s Bible

Get necessary
paperwork done (example: New Social Security Card)

Bring any missing
paperwork (example: Driver’s License, SSC) to your Zombie
Hunter’s home

Things to Remember
When Attending Orientation:

Bring a Blue Ink pen

Come dressed
according to The Zombie Hunter’s Bible

Come prepared with
any questions you may have

PART TWO

The Journey & The
Hunt

On the Road

Vehicle

It is important to
choose the right automobile when finally going on the road toward
your hunting location. It must have a strong exterior with a large
enough gas tank and the ability to carry a multitude of supplies –
this includes zombies (dead or living dead).

The SUV would serve
your needs perfectly. It is the safest vehicle on earth – as
has been testified over the years by many Hunters and various
television news shows.

For your protection,
always let your sidekick do the driving – this includes
operation of any other heavy machinery, except for the chainsaw. This
is your weapon. Protect it with your life.

Rest stops,
Allowed

Every now and then
you may have to stop mid-journey due to hunger or the obvious bowel
movement. If this should happen, feel free to pull into a gas station
or convenient store and ask to use their Urination Room. Or if you
must, instruct your sidekick to pull over to the side of the road so
you may soothe yourself.

When doing so, either
hide behind a bush or behind the car. Your sidekick will be taking
photographs for documentary purposes.

Sleep

It is safe to pull
over and fall fast asleep ONLY after midnight, when traffic is slow.
Even then, only the hunter is allowed to rest, for she/he needs the
strength for the grueling battle surely waiting ahead. The sidekick
will stay up the entire night with the accompaniment of coffee and a
green Monster.

Foods

The sidekick is
relied upon to purchase and/or cook for both people because the
hunter must save all personal funds for sudden emergencies. Large
amounts of baby food will be bought for their compact size and
nutritional benefits.

The authorities:
“Lies & Diversions”

Do not be scared if a
police vehicle suddenly stops you. This is normal. They have even
been known to stop automobiles for no reason other than to fulfill
job related quotas.

Unfortunately, the
hunter does not have time for such inconvenience. There are things
you can do to escape a police officer’s harassment.

1. At first sight of
police interference, feed your sidekick alcohol and order him to
“play dead”. Admit to the officer that your friend at the
wheel is a ruthless drunkard and demands medical attention. The
officer will then panic and escort you to the nearest hospital. While
the officer is ahead of you, slow down your vehicle and cut off onto
a nearby road, then turn off all the lights. In the morning, paint
your vehicle a different color. It will then be safe to continue on
your journey. Due to the initial shock your sidekick will no doubt
experience, it is advised that you do not talk or make eye contact
with them for at least five hours. If you feel that you must tell
them something important, first soothe them by touching their
shoulder and making tiny, circular motions. They will then turn to
you, daintily…and smile.

2. Put a wig on your
sidekick (necessary even if female) and delicately shove a toy doll
between their legs. Tell the officer that your wife is a pregnant
woman and demands medical attention and that the baby is halfway out
of her as you speak. Also mention that you can see the baby’s
feet. Yell at the officer. He will apologize and become your escort,
and friend. Follow instructions ending example #1.

Whatever you do, DO
NOT attempt to outrun a police officer. If ancient history has taught
us anything, it is that the police are excellent drivers. Try to run
out of fear and panic, and you will be caught and arrested.