Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (24 page)

1989
,
Honolulu, Hawaii; KPT (apartment complex). An obese, female drunkard
dangles off her balcony on the 16th floor and laughs. The scared
husband pleads with her and pours milk onto her head in the belief
that it will make her sober. The woman cries out, “It damages!
It damages!” and slaps at her face, in effect letting go of the
balcony. She falls, weeping. Death is slow, as she falls into a
cactus garden. The husband, Guido, a zombie hunter from Uruguay,
understands that he must destroy her brain for fear of resurrection.
As he leans over her still body, ready to strike with a golden spike,
the wife WAKES UP and rips out his innards. He begs for mercy and
pulls out his hair. The wife empties out his torso with her mouth and
crawls into his hollow stomach and walks away as if to use him as a
hat. Throughout the years, she has been seen lumbering around
streams, picking at her decaying hat, and eating it. Local police
have given her a name, and that name is, Guido Bomb.

Training

Skills

Before any hunter can
even think about doing battle against the living dead, various
talents must first be learned. The following skills have been tested
over the years by hunters from across the globe, from the Federated
States of Micronesia to Spitzbergen, and have proven to be quite
beneficial.

You will find them
short and easy to learn.

MARTIAL ARTS

The most effective
style can be found in that called Christian Kung Fu, taught by
priests all over America.

KNIFE THROWING

A must for all zombie
hunters. Essential for hurting zombies from a distance and pinning
them against trees. With enough practice, it is possible for the
hunter to kill zombie brain. Practice every day, in every way.

COOKING

It is inevitable that
the hunter will find herself without food. If in the woods, she will
find the “cooking skill” most valuable indeed, able to
not only fashion a meal out from an assortment of insects and
shrubbery, but also make them delicious. However, if the hunter finds
herself starving in the city, they will be unlucky in finding
store-bought meat, and must therefore search in garbage receptacles
for rats and spiders and the occasional albino cockroach – the
hunter will be lucky to find roaches that are connected by their
buttocks. If we have learned anything at all from the homeless, it is
that living on trash is possible. The hunter must not worry, for a
skilled cook can make virtually anything edible. Even racist garbage.

SINGING

Work stress will
result in mental instability. Singing has been proven to “soothe
the mind” and “calm the soul”. More often than not,
the hunter will find their sidekick harassed and afraid. To ensure
that he/she will not run away or fashion a mutiny, it is advised that
the hunter learn the art of singing and cuddling to ease the mind of
the sidekick. (If singing does not seem to stop their bickering, put
your tongue in their ear. They will be soothed instantly. If the ear
is clean, your sidekick is healthy.)

BICYCLE RIDING

The automobile cannot
be relied upon in the long run due to its insatiable lust for
gasoline, and noise pollution. The bicycle requires no such liquid –
only needing the strength of thighs, knees, and ankles – and is
so silent. Another benefit of bicycle riding is “leg
improvement”. Intensification of the lower extremities will
give the hunter special powers, such as running, jumping, kicking,
and speed walking (vital if the need should ever arise to walk away
quickly, yet quietly).

CARVING

The fine art of
cutting various objects out from wood can be used to create tiny
blowing darts, spoons to eat with, mannequins, whistles, caveman
clubs, balls, frying pans, and even diverse articles of clothing,
such as clogs and undergarments.

READING & WRITNG

Necessary in
documenting events, identifying road signs, and gaining respect from
sidekick.

PANTOMIMING

Also known as Miming.
Indispensable when blending in and/or living with the walking dead.
Skill must be practiced in front of sidekick to receive fair
criticism. Miming curriculum includes “I’m Trapped in a
Box,” “I’m Pulling on a Rope,” “The
rope is pulling me,” “I’m Drunk,” “I’m
sober,” “I’m running in Place,” “I’m
Sleepy,” “You make me Angry,” “You make me
Cry,” “Look over There,” and “I want a
divorce.”

DRIVING

Though not required,
vital in any attempt to run over a group of zombies. (see bicycle
RIDING)

Dieting

A healthy zombie
hunter lives to fight another day. Next to exercise, dieting is
equally important.

Fasting – the
act of starving yourself once a week – is highly advised. The
hunter will lose weight and gain a sense of self-confidence. Fasting
will result in sudden bursts of speed, a heightened sense of
awareness, and the ability to fit into tight places (perfect when
hiding from the living dead). To properly Fast, nothing must be
consumed in a 24-hour period.

If this method of
dieting is too extreme or stupid for you, the Water Diet might be
more appealing, where the hunter drinks water every 60 minutes. When
consuming meat or grains, only eating half of all meals is allowed.
The rest must be fed to sidekick, or thrown up.

Pole of The High
Sundays, a favorite dieting regimen amongst hunters of old, requires
the participant to stand on a pole while in the nude with his hands
over his head. His legs MUST be crossed. The sidekick is ordered by
them to remove all clothing and begin punching the pole to encourage
vibrations. This is to test the hunter’s balancing talents and,
inadvertently, improve the sidekick’s punching abilities.

The sidekick is only
allowed to rest after a period of 10 hours. Until that time, the
sidekick must not stop punching the pole, even if the hunter begins
to plead for mercy, and moans. The results are wondrous.

The opposite of
Fasting is Slowering. It is not advised.

(Please talk to your
doctor before attempting to Fast.)

Weapons

Although it is true
that the human body is the world’s most dangerous weapon –
especially if strenuously trained in the martial arts to the level of
“The Master” – flesh will always fall second place
to steel or metal when compared to strength and endurance.

Many weapons can be
used to combat the living dead. Below you will find a list of
acceptable weaponry, ordered from weakest to strongest.

Wonder Stick

Excellent for its
abundance and ease of use. Can be used to hold zombie at bay if put
in mouth, or penetrate through the eye to injure brain matter. The
user is advised to keep a great quantity on her/his person due to the
Wonder Stick’s bad habit of breaking under pressure. TIP: When
placing stick in eyehole, stir for maximum effect!

Attack Fork

With enough tenacity,
the user is able to hack around the neck of the zombie using an
Attack Fork, encouraging disconnection of the head. The task can be
completed with a mighty thump to the face.

Monster Spoons

Used to take out eyes
and scoop out brain substance. Not simple or effective in the hands
of an amateur. With years of practice, Monster Spoons can be a deadly
tool and should not be available to children.

Molestation Hammer

Best used when
striking an undead head frequently. When victim collapses to the
ground, the hunter will stand on its spine and continue hitting the
back of said zombie’s head with the Molestation Hammer until
brain is witnessed. You are advised to cover your face with your
freehand to shield from splatter. If both hands are occupied,
instruct sidekick to put their hands over your mouth and nose.

Wanton Scissors

More effective than
the Attack Fork, scissors can also be used to destroy a zombie’s
neck to cheer head separation. When operating this weapon, please
grip it as one would a knife. The finger holes on a pair of scissors
are sore and disturbing.

Gluttonous Hedge
Clippers

Using both hands,
drive the weapon into the neck of the zombie, immediately followed by
opening the clippers. With enough practice, the head will be
disconnected. Caution must be taken for risk of the undead’s
eyes popping out and flying into the hunter’s mouth. If this
occurs, please do not swallow. Instead, instruct sidekick to put
their hand into your mouth.

Magical Cardboard

Most excellent if
found sturdy. If aimed directly at the soft, frontal portion of the
neck, can be used in a slicing manner to sever a zombie’s head
in one fluid motion. Care must be taken if done in a windy
environment. If rain enters, weapon must be folded into tiny squares
and put into back pocket.

Power Glove

While it is not
advised to punch a zombie, it IS recommended to punch a zombie with a
Power Glove. To make the weapon, slip on a pair of gloves –
cloth or plastic – and dip into glue, followed by quick
application of broken glass and/or fetal cactuses. (see Kickboxer,
1989, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Whole Bottle

When pushed into the
mouth of a zombie, they will twirl in a confused manner, allowing the
hunter to make a dangerous attack. Can be used with cardboard weapon.

Broken Whole
Bottle

See ATTACK FORK

Wonder Knives

Wonderful weapon,
especially if used by a hunter employed as a professional stuntman,
gangster, or carnival employee.

Attack
Wheelbarrow

Developed by Sir.
Anthony Argento of France, the attack wheelbarrow – or “Dead
Leaves”, as it was called – is an everyday wheelbarrow
fashioned with weaponry to plow through a group of the living dead.
Popular attachments to Dead Leaves are swords, torches, swords on
fire, bear traps, and snakes.

Sledgehammer Power

With a powerful blow,
can easily kill zombie brain matter. Must be used by a muscular
hunter or sidekick for optimal performance. Extreme exhaustion will
follow, including headaches, chest pains, and a numbing in the left
shoulder.

Wire of Harassment
(WOH)

Fishing wire will
even be enough to sever the strongest zombie neck. Simply tie wire
around hands and slowly creep behind zombie. Throw Wire of Harassment
around neck and pull repeatedly until head parts from torso.

Assault Furniture

A smart hunter can
use anything and everything around him as a tool against the living
dead, like Jackie Chan. This includes items in the home. Furniture
can be very useful: Couches can be overturned to pin down a zombie,
lamps can be thrown over heads, television sets can be turned on as a
distraction, and chair legs can be shoved into a zombie’s soft
chest to puzzle them.

Zombie Limbs

Perfect for use as a
blunt weapon if limb is deceased. If the zombie you are severely
beating collapses, be warned, for they are not dead, merely napping.
If the limb is NOT deceased, but rather moving rampantly, the hunter
can use the “living” weapon to his advantage. For
example, when aiming the moving hand at a zombie, it can grip onto
the zombie’s hair with great force. If pulled hard enough,
head-detachment is almost certain. (Immediately throw limb away after
usage)

Sword

Perfect, effective
weapon if you’re trained in the art of sword play, or so happen
to have one in your home or in your car.

Quafo Bomb

Pour gasoline or
Bacardi 151 into bottle and stuff in unwanted piece of clothing or
dew-rag. Light…toss…and run away.

Spear

Basically an
elongated sword found in every home, the hunter will find aiming very
difficult. If zombie happens to latch onto the weapon, they will eat
it, destroy it, and spit it back out at you.

Bow & Arrow

See SPEAR

Flamethrower

Superb for any
location. To make a homemade flamethrower, purchase any “bug
killer” spray can (chances are you already have some in your
home). Squirt away from face and ignite spray with lighter. Zombie
must not be lit in these locations: Woods, Fields, Neighborhoods,
Playgrounds, and Gas stations.

Nail gun

Not useful against
the undead, for a single nail – no matter how long –
cannot destroy the zombie brain. Many attempts have been made by past
hunters to pin a zombie down and shoot multiple nails into its undead
head, but to no desired effect. Those hunters have been eaten,
violently.

Handgun

Difficult to handle
unless trained. In the hands of an amateur, the gun, when fired, will
whip back into the hunter’s face. If a handgun must be used,
you are urged to instruct your sidekick to operate the weapon. You
must then hide and communicate via radio or sign language.

Vehicles

When operating a car,
truck, SUV, or Delorean to run over a member of the walking dead, one
must be careful that the severed torso does not sail through the
windshield and strangle the driver. If this occurs, passenger must
not use homemade flamethrower.

Blinding Blanket

A simple, yet
ingenious weapon used to blind and mystify the zombie. Simply take
hold of a large-sized blanket and toss over victim. In their
bewilderment, they will not think to pull off the weapon. This will
give you ample time to attack.

Lawnmower

If the user is able
to carry the weapon and hold it before them, they will be amazed at
its efficiency, for the zombie(s) will simply walk into the spinning
blade.

Kids
and lawnmowers don't mix!

Chainsaw

A surefire way to
decapitate a member of the living dead. Many have warned against the
inevitable noise of this weapon, but the fact remains: If you find a
zombie walking toward you – if even a great team of zombies –
the odds are that you will be able to walk faster than them. Remember
to carry extra bottles of gasoline.