Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (21 page)

Benefits

The
Zombie Employee

Maids

Personal
Bather

Security
guards

On
Selling

Where to
sell your zombie

What is a
good set-price?

The Smart
Seller or How not to get scammed

APPENDIX

Zombie
Transformation Agencies

Zombie
Recipes

Retirement

Preface

THIS MANUAL is
written for the novice interested in becoming a Professional Hunter
of The Living Dead. They will learn tips, tricks, and tactics which
have served countless experts throughout the centuries. Veteran
huntsmen will also benefit from this book, sure to find a plethora of
useful information they may have forgotten or never knew existed.

The contents of this
book were obtained through conversations and outings with an actual
zombie hunter only to be known as “Barbara”. Zombies
discussed in this book are of the undead nature. The zombie is: A
reanimated cadaver. Following the death of the body, the corpse is
brought back from the dead by supernatural means. The body’s
sole intention then becomes the consumption and eradication of the
living.

Viral-infected bodies
will be analyzed and respected, but will not be emphasized. These
bodies have not died, therefore are NOT zombies. These people are
merely sick, and in need of immediate medical attention. The living
dead mentioned in this book will carry all of the following traits:

1. A risen corpse –
regardless of years deceased as long as skull is intact (it is
possible to experience a “Skeletal Zombie”)

2. Has an intense
hunger for flesh (human or animal, male or female)

3. Has no memory of
former self and of loved ones

4. No memory of
proper etiquette habits

5. The inability to
run

6. No sense of self
worth; possibly depressed

7. Suddenly
possessing short bursts of speed and/or surprising strength

8. Feels no love
toward babies or any age group (the zombie’s primary emotion is
malice – especially toward the elderly)

9. Demise only by
complete brain annihilation

10. The zombie is not
a racist

The Zombie Hunter’s
Bible will instruct you on slaying, finding, capturing, feeding,
grooming, and hurting the zombie. The goal of any zombie hunter is a
clear one: To find and capture and/or hurt the Undead without
becoming one of them. To become successful in any trade, one must
adhere to all procedures and become a wealth of knowledge on said
profession. Only then can she or he rectify any sort of unexpected
problem.

The above applies
gravely to all hunters of the living dead. A knowing hunter stays a
living hunter. It is this book’s wish that you eventually learn
on your own – learn new tips, new tricks, and new tactics –
and teach those behind you. Knowledge kept within is wasted
Education. The teachings in this guide are relatively simple to
learn, yet wonderfully effective. Many have argued them to be the
most important lessons in the world. Hunters who have followed these
rules have moved on to become successful artists, writers, actors,
and lovers.

Remember to
constantly baffle the zombie.

Remember to harass
their brain matter.

And above all else,
believe in them.

Because they believe
in you.

—RCH

PART ONE

Preparation

The Professional Hunter of THE UNDEAD

Ethics

Without morals, the
zombie hunter is no greater than a member of the undead. The hunter
must be a saint in spirit: Courteous, grateful, loving. Those with
unclean hearts must not hunt the living dead. They do so with
ulterior motives, tainted with wickedness, resulting in (as history
has shown) human casualties, a ruined hunt, and an emotionally
scarred sidekick. Being on a hunt for a prolonged period of time will
result in hostile behavior between Hunter & Sidekick due to the
eventual lack of sustenance, confines in foreign surroundings, and
work stress.

Respect your
sidekick. DO NOT let them be murdered by a zombie. You are
responsible for their education and their safety. If you find him/her
in dire struggle with a member of the living dead, save them
regardless of emotional ties. You are both on the field to do a job.
When it is completed, only then are you both allowed to go your
separate ways and express the intense feelings you feel toward each
other.

Most important of all
– an ethical teaching rather difficult for many to learn: See
yourself as an equal to the zombie.

You and the zombie
are brothers of war. When you fight, do so with courage and honor.
The ego must be left behind before going into combat with a zombie.
Being too proud – underestimating your opponent or not
consulting your sidekick – can lead to misjudgment…and
death. When destroying the undead, one frees them. For every zombie
killed via head-annihilation, an angel gets his wings.

In the end, forgive
the zombie, for they know not what they do.

They are babies.

Evil babies.

A History of
Hunting

Information relating
to the first zombie hunters dates back to caveman days. Filipino
archaeologists in 1979 discovered two cave paintings, depicting
surprised men and women mingling (or brawling) with strange humanoid
creatures, later determined by the archaeologists, unanimously, to be
zombies. One painting shows a caveman, holding back a prehistoric
zombie with a sharp stick. In another, a cavewoman throws a big rock
over the living dead, breaking its head. The cavewoman stares at the
brain. She does not know what to do.

It was the Filipinos
who made a startling revelation, writing an immediate article to the
scientific journal The Filipina Scientist:

“You will find,
in these crude cave paintings, utmost proof that not only did zombies
exist in caveman times, but our own ancestors knowingly ate brain,
and unknowingly ate putrid, zombie brain matter, tainting the
bloodlines of all races for ever and ever. Amen.”

—
Dario
Fumoria, Lead Archeologist

The article was
immediately sent back to the archeologists in a stained envelope with
the word “NO” written on it in large letters. The article
– although surprisingly short at forty-four words –
failed to mention that the zombie’s “brain matter”
only takes effect, if indeed eaten, after the consumer’s death.
Not having their article published did nothing but put them in a mild
depression and later force them to continue their research –
which included analyzing the cave paintings and doing routine “stain
tests” on the walls of various caves.

Mr. Fumoria named the
brave man and woman in the paintings Cake and Rainbow, after his own
children. He vowed to keep searching for more paintings involving
Cake and Rainbow, traveling the world in the name of archeology –
from France to Germany, to Afghanistan to North Dakota. Eventually,
he found himself in India, where he died painfully from a mysterious
Foot & Mouth disease. In September 19th of 2oo2, eyewitnesses
reported that government officials raided his home in North Dakota
and hauled large paintings, covered by blankets, into a black van.
These officials burned his house down while drinking wine.

The paintings
discovered by Mr. Fumoria were never seen again. In a recent
interview on The View, his associates now claim that he drugged them
and did “sexy things” to them and put them under
hypnosis, making them believe they were cave paintings of zombies.
Cake and Rainbow were never seen in any other paintings or comic
books.

Hunters appeared
during the following decades in texts and illustrations from all over
the globe. We give thanks and praise to these brave women and men who
have put their lives on the line to save humanity from the living
dead.

Many of them have
been wrongfully accused of being in cahoots with the undead, blamed
on many occasions for “conjuring” zombies for the sole
purpose of charging villages ridiculous fees to vanquish them. Zombie
hunters were (and still are) feared for their peculiar occupation.
Throughout history, we have learned that people dread what they don’t
understand.

They question a
hunter’s motivations, methods, and mental status. It wasn’t
(and still isn’t) surprising to find hunters burned or hung for
insanity by the church. More often than not, this was done out of
haste, resulting in the loss of many innocent lives and animal
suicides.

Today we find them in
mental institutions and high security prisons, where they are
ridiculed and humiliated and raped to no end. It is advised that
hunters perform their noble deeds in secrecy for fear of prosecution.

Types

Zombie hunters come
in all shapes and sizes and colors. They all have different styles
and strategies – all of which, if studied with a critical eye,
can prove quite beneficial on or off the field. The following is a
critique of the four most popular Hunter personalities.

They are not
recommended.

The Shy Hunter

Hunters of a quiet
nature are the most patient. His determination is much admired by
all. He will wait in the bushes, holding his weapon close to
heart…waiting, surveying the terrain for any sort of movement.

Unfortunately, this
hunter is timid.

If terror happens to
creep up behind him, the shy hunter has been observed to leap up in
fright and shriek in a female tone and run away with amazing speed.
If ever abandoned in such a manner, the sidekick is not allowed to
leave the area. She or he must convince him or herself that this is a
learning experience and complete the hunt thoroughly.

The Mad Hunter

Many who attempt to
hunt the dead have taken an angry persona. The belief is that if one
is overwhelmed with hate towards the undead, one will be inspired to
“stand his ground” and finish the hunt. It is a forceful
way of thinking. Many a hunter have found this style useful, more
often than not reporting sudden feats of strength while under
pressure during an attack. In one case, a hunter was seen lifting up
the front of a car to free his sidekick, who was pinned underneath,
and crying.

However, these
individuals are prone to suicidal tendencies. A 1969 Hawaiian survey
concluded that 9 out of 10 Angry Hunters admitted to cutting their
forearms with facial and leg razors for attention. It is a cry for
help. They sit, yoga-style and light candles while listening to
miserable music. The marks they dig into their skin are always
shallow in depth and disturbing in shape. Many make happy faces and
carve words such as Hello and Cube.

However, the smart
ones disfigure their thighs so no one can see. Beware the wise
cutter. This branch of saddened, Angry Hunter wallows in self-pity
and cares not for attention.

They must be feared
because they cut their arms daily while in a weeping phase. They can
also be identified by their continuous repetition of “Come in
with the elk, come in with the elk, come in with the elk.” In
such instances, the sidekick must stay away and report them to the
local authorities at all costs due to mental reasons.

The Fast Hunter

Works at an
incredible speed due to impatience, usually resulting in sloppiness
and death. The job is done, but at what cost? The sidekicks of such
impulsive hunters have been seen completing the hunt and burying
their mentors in shallow graves, leading to grief, loneliness,
contemplation, and in some cases…cannibalism.

The Slow Hunter

Works at an upsetting
speed due to laziness and or hunger. Sometimes mistaken for a zombie
by other zombies. To avoid falling into this category of hunter, you
would do well to get at least 11 hours of sleep, eat healthy, and to
exercise daily – this includes, but not limited to, jogging,
hopping, speed-walking, speed-jogging, pull-ups, pull-down, sit-ups,
sit-downs, leg raises, neck raises, head pulls, arm straightening,
thigh pounding, back raising, feet stomping, and lifting.

It is not surprising
to hear of sidekicks accidentally shooting The Slow Hunter.

The Legends

Talofa Batesman

Age: 34

Nationality: Samoan

Called “When
Thunder Cries” by natives in Samoa, Talofa Batesman goes on
record for killing the most zombies during a single night in 1833.

His exploits can be
read in the Samoan novel This is Thunder written by Yahweh
Telemalima:

“…and so
Talofa stood in the field where his family was murdered by these
unholy of bodies – bodies covered by mud and feces…bodies
that stood in the night under the hard rain. Some walked toward
Talofa. Many put their hands on his shocked belly and slept standing
up. Two hours later, afraid for his life and tired from standing up
for two hours, Talofa cut off their heads and ate their heads the
next morning. He didn’t share with the village. And then he
fashioned a boat made from the bones of the walking dead and sailed
away into the sea for unknown, exciting reasons… Fofo
Patterson, a high Samoan priest on a neighboring island, found Talofa
sleeping on the beach, his arms wrapped around a zombie skeleton.
Fofo’s famous last words on his death stool many years later
were: “Oh God…he was naked, and ever staring. Therefore,
he was zombie. I cut off his head. And then I put the head on a boat
and it sailed away into the night. Listen to me now. This is
important. Jesus Christ…I saluted it.”

—
This
is Thunder, page 1

Talofa’s body
was later recovered by his family and, for fear of plague, it was
agreed that his corpse be burned and painted and torn apart by the
limbs – each one tied to a random, four-legged animal, which
were set loose into the wild for religious explanations.