Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (23 page)

For example, hugging
a zombie.

Zombie Types

Remember: No two
zombies are the same. In this section, we shall not only discuss the
many different zombie personalities, but also analyze and ascertain
various scenarios.

Walking Zombie

The standard zombie.
Slow moving, this undead type can be easily bypassed via simple
“walk-around”. One must still walk in caution and never
pass too closely, for they have a nasty habit of suddenly attaining
ADHD and becoming hyper active and noisy at unsuspecting moments. The
hunter’s sense of overconfidence is ill-advised!

Running Zombie

Nonexistent. If a
member of the undead is seen running, it was most likely pushed or
tripped.

Zombie of Disease

The fact remains: A
human cannot return from the dead due to disease. They are not
zombies. They are of poor health. Ignorance or utter disregard of
this truth is dangerous, in that a hunter may confuse an ill human
for a member of the living dead and harass.

If the hunter
encounters a sickly human, she/he must not attack. They must adhere
to proper Human Identification procedures. If indeed acknowledged as
a human, the hunter is instructed to take the ill by the hand and
instruct or guide them to the nearest medical facility. Though not
necessary, the hunter may also provide her/his phone number to the
sick for additional help or romantic engagements.

Talking Zombie

The zombie does not
speak. It does, however, groan. A hunter encountering a zombie
“speaking” is in the presence of a corpse possessed by a
spirit, most likely a demon; therefore, one must not take what they
say to heart, for demons are pathological liars.

Blind Zombie

Like humans, a zombie
cannot see without the power of the eyeball. They can be observed on
city streets and country fields, walking around aimlessly, sometimes
even turning around and around in place with their arms out. It is
not unusual to see a large group of Blind Zombies, spinning in place,
slowly.

They can be found
during the winter season, revolving under the snow. They must be
destroyed. (Sometimes seen in Europe, wearing dirty cloaks and riding
horses.)

Pregnant Zombie

A very dangerous and
deceiving type of living dead. Not only does one have to worry about
the host, there is also the threat of the zombie fetus. Too many
times have hunters, believing to have annihilated the mother, fallen
to the fatal bite(s) of the undead child.

The female hunter
must especially be defensive, for when the Pregnant Zombie falls onto
the hunter, the fetus will accidentally fall out and make its way
into the hunter’s vagina.

Fat Zombie

Not to be confused
with the Pregnant Zombie, this relatively fresh member of the undead
contains food. Because of this, it has received the name “Zombie
Camel” or “Camel of Zombies”. A wise hunter would
do well to put its contents in clean Ziploc bags and into storage for
future meals. BOILING OF MEAT IS strongly ADVISED.

Skinny Zombie

A result of years of
decay or malnutrition, this zombie is the weakest. Capable of
entering tight places due to their thin carcass, they can be found
hiding in various “hard to get to” places, such as sewage
pipes and refrigerators.

Baby Zombie (ages
0-1)

An extension of the
Pregnant Zombie. They dwell within the host’s belly and feed
off the interior lining. When strength permits, they escape by their
own power via the birth canal, buttocks, throat, or, if all are
obstructed, by tearing through the mother’s belly. It is then
left alone to fend for itself in the wilderness, feeding on ants and
bird droppings.

Child Zombie (ages
1-30)

Do not pet this
zombie type. Although their exterior presents itself as cute and
cuddly, the interior is indeed evil and stink. If necessary, due to
“feelings”, the hunter may cover the Child Zombie with a
shirt before striking it over the head, mercilessly, with a shovel.

Elderly Zombie

Found in streams and
ditches in a sitting position. They stare into the sky, at the birds,
longingly, until human prey comes into view. The hunter is able to
squat-walk toward the zombie, under its sights, and destroy it. One
can even light the foot on fire with a match, so long as the zombie’s
attention is occupied by birds: Using this tactic, the undead body
will simply burn away as a wax candle with no objection. According to
some hunters, Elderly Zombies, while melting, will look at you,
crying, and then wave ‘Bye’. These hunters are dead. It
is strongly advised that you do not wave back.

Half Zombie

The human body is and
will always be so very fragile, whether one is lacking in meat or is
a muscular woman. It is common to find a zombie with no lower half
due to accidents or fighting. They can crawl for days in search of
prey.

The zombie can be
found by simply following its blood trail, as well as discarded dung
and carcasses of bird, rodent, and insect. The hunter must keep their
eyes low to the ground, mindful of any sudden movements in grass,
rock piles or laundry.

Tar Zombie

Describing any type
of “sticky” zombie in relation to glue, blood, honey,
semen, shark slime, spit, hair oils, child sweat, fecal matter, food
sauce(s), and tar. Best exterminated from a distance due to their
pungent stench. Touching the Tar Zombie is strongly ill advised due
to its amazing adhesive abilities. When found stuck to a zombie, many
hunters have eaten away their own hands and feet in hopes of escape.
The success rate is amazing.

Water Zombie

Casualties of world
wars, murders, surfing accidents, or overturned boats, these zombies
wander the ocean depths, feeding on slow fish and ignorant crabs. The
hunter is directed to not walk under the ocean. They must ride on
boats, yachts or any kind of floating device aside from the
inflatable sort. The Water Zombie is powerful, sometimes seen
wrestling with sharks.

Sand Zombie

Found in deserts and
beaches, this zombie type is slow moving due to its sand-filled
interior. When the hunter attacks, she/he would be wise to protect
their eyes and mouth and ears from flying, zombie-tainted sand. If it
finds its way into the human body, total zombification will be
complete in under two minutes. Suicide is advised.

Zombie Priest

Can be discovered
walking around the inside of churches, fully clothed. Usually seen in
groups of Child Zombies.

Zombie Nun

The most relaxed and
mysterious of the zombies, this type is usually seen standing or
sitting, motionless, and doing nothing else. Not to be confused with
THE NUNDEAD, which are demon-possessed nuns that are quick and busy.

Tree Zombie

Hides in trees to
jump out and surprise victims. Latches onto prey with mouth, fingers,
and thighs. Very strong hold. To avoid an attack by this zombie, the
hunter should inspect every tree encountered before passing. If time
is of concern, one must think twice before entering a forest.

If zombie is found
and it is not paying attention, the hunter is advised to destroy it
in the head via bow and arrow, gun, throwing knife, or flying sword.

Weapon Zombie

When encountering a
zombie carrying a weapon, such as a gun, or a sword, or a trident,
the hunter must be careful – not because of the possibility
that the undead can remember how to wield the weapon –
moreover, because the zombie’s finger twitches at a rate of
once every 1.39874 seconds.

If said finger is on
the trigger of an automatic weapon that is pointed at the pavement or
into a curved pipe, the hunter is at severe risk due to ricochet or
bad luck.

Cyborg Zombie

Scientifically
modified zombies with robotic enhancements, such as metal arms, shark
teeth, internal rockets, super strength, motorcycle-riding knowledge,
and golden legs. Hunter is advised to have a pocket mirror on their
person at all times as a form of defense against zombies capable of
shooting laser beams from their eyes.

Insect Zombie

More often than not,
one will find a zombie infested with insects of one or every kind,
such as worms, centipedes, spiders, ants, flies, bees, preying
mantises, and love bugs. Distant butchery of said zombie is
recommended. Please do not eat the insects.

Handicapped Zombie

These can be found
mainly wandering the streets in wheelchairs or walkers or crutches.
To take down this zombie, the running over with a wheel barrel is
preferred, followed by the immediate action of bullet and/or blade
into brain. The body can then be dumped into a ditch.

Skeletal Zombie

Victims of fire
and/or cannibalism. The human skull is difficult to crack open, even
by undead hands. With the brain secured, the skeletal corpse will
rise. They will want to eat you, unaware that the flesh they consume
will simply fall through their ribcage.

Deceasedom of said
zombie can be successful with the shoving of sharp objects into its
eye sockets. Sometimes seen with eyeballs due to medical reasons.

Cannibal Zombie

A type of zombie that
attacks and swallows the meat of its own kind. This odd type is rare,
though still a threat to the hunter. It is not strange to see this
zombie eating itself. They walk the earth – through rain, snow,
hail – in search of the slow-moving zombie, presumably because
they are easy to catch.

The Cannibal Zombie
finds it easy to eat the undead, for when attacked by their kind, the
undead simply stand there, bewildered, and worried.

Animal Zombie

No different from
human zombies, animals that are undead can be found side-by-side with
men and women zombies on the streets or in various offices. These
animals move at the rate of a sloth, even those once renowned for
their speed, such as the tiger, the leopard, the puma, the lion, the
dog, and the kangaroo. By utilizing brain devastation, the living
dead animal will pass away.

Still Zombie

Extreme caution must
be made when coming face-to-face with what many have called the
“Possum Zombie”. They stand motionless, waiting for
uninformed prey to come within reaching range, at which point they
spring to life and molest.

Fortunately, their
energy is limited to one second. After this time, they return to
standing still. It must recharge by going into what scientists call
Hypersleep and is therefore vulnerable to harassment.

Legends

There are some
zombies that have done more damage than others. In each of these
cases, many deaths have been counted and many more homes burned to
the ground. Countless children have been ruined. Sometimes the hunter
– either due to sleep or alcoholism or simple ignorance –
is taken surprise by certain extraordinary members of the living
dead, and therefore fails, miserably, usually resulting in death by
undead hands and lips. These amazing accounts have been and will
forever be immortalized in literature, theatre, and bedtime stories.

This is quite
unfortunate.

Here we shall examine
those legendary zombies in question – the living dead that have
succeeded in shaming the zombie hunter and baffling the world. You
will be able to identify these yet-to-be-found zombies in the future,
and have the knowledge to stop them from bad performances.

2003
, Eiffel
Tower. Zombie is seen walking around in the high night, swaying
against the cool winds. Police (2 out of the 3 zombie hunters) call
it to stop, but it ignores them, swaying. The suspect is shot in the
feet and is handcuffed. While walking to the police car, they are
attacked by the zombie, who rips off their heads and strips them
naked as tourists take pictures and scream in horror. The zombie –
for reasons unclear – gets into the car and begins eating the
backseat. The zombie suddenly turns violent, accidentally kicking the
stick shift. The car rolls down a hill and is never heard from again.
A local newspaper called the incident, “LE DREADFULNESS AT LE
Eiffel TOWER!” The reporters of said paper also gave the
creature a name. They call it, Car Lord.

2000
, Ireland.
On a rainy day, Stephanie O’Brien, an employee, walks home on a
lonely dirt road next to a potato field. There, she sees a little
girl, eating something that has hair. The child appears to be
injured, for red liquid streams from the back of her head in tiny
bursts. Disturbed, Stephanie walks behind the little girl and touches
her neck. This is a mistake. The girl spins around and bites her
wrist. Stephanie, a practicing zombie hunter, shrieks out and falls
into a coma. Farmers found Stephanie’s body the next morning.
She had been left in mint condition, except for her legs, which had
been stripped to the bone. From that day forth, farmers all over
Ireland swear they see the undead corpse of a little girl, standing
on their rooftops, where she slowly paces back and forth with her
arms raised high over her head. These same farmers claim to have not
been drinking when witnessing this little girl. However, when asked
the zombie’s name, the farmers always look to each other and
say, in fear, The Goat’s Beard. The farmers promise that she
rides goats.

1955
, Maui. A
rainforest fire devastates the gentile village of Rhodes. Many are
burned. To avoid the possibility of a torturous death by fire, many
gather in a circle and sing and climb up a large tree and then jump
off the large tree. They land on their heads, purposefully, in hopes
of brain damage so that they will forget their troubles and not be
aware that they are burning alive. Many who jump from the tree are
instantly deceased. The few that survive the fall cheer as the tree
is burned by the freak fire and falls onto them. The village zombie
hunter, Wendy From Waianae, poor since age 0, runs to the burned
bodies and steals their golden necklaces and golden tooth-fillings
and golden belts and golden hairs. Unbeknownst to Wendy, the
burned-black zombies resurrect behind her and eat her back. She dies
instantaneously. The group of zombies continue to travel the island,
terrorizing cows and ponies by jumping out from trees and riding them
into fences. Their legend grew, and they became know as, The
Bastards.