Flight of the Maita Supercollection 3: Solving Galactic Problems Collector's Edition (164 page)

[ Where did you
read that one? ]

"It was a paper
I once did in a philosophy class," Z answered. "The subject was the
same one you mentioned back at the castle. Solipsism.

"I'd read an SF
story that ended with the punch line, ‘...then I must be a figment
of my own imagi....' “

*Cute. We're
here.*

–
Where
in the nine hells else would we be, Platinum Pate? For a machine
you certainly don't have much grasp of logic! Consider what the
damned term means, then refrain from saying it!–

[ I take it
we're to get back into character. ]

"Take it
where?" Z quipped.

Thing wrapped
its tentacles around him. [ I think I'll do the longterm study on
the colors you turn when your air's cut off now! ]

+Please! No
violence! It's too fine a day for argument!+

–
In case
you haven't noticed it's raining like on Drove (A world famous for
storms) outside, Tinhead! I hope it ruins your shine! A little
extra corrosion might short circuit something and give you a tiny
ability to think!–

+Perhaps we'll
be lucky and lightning will melt you into slag!+

–
Aren't
you supposed to be the nice one?–

"Ahh! Stow it!"
Z ordered as the lid opened. It was, indeed, raining.

They climbed
out of the clamshell and Z told it to sit in the top of a nearby
tree until it was called (For the benefit of the two palace guards
who came trotting up. One of them was a demon of very fierce
countenance. This would be a Targ).

"Boss?" the
guard asked. "Ve're to escord you to King Dihn. The Frome dold us
you mighd be coming here."

[ Really? How
could a Frome have beat us all this way? ]

"One came to
tell King Dihn you arrived and placed your castle on Teeme Mountain
during the night," the other guard answered. "It was here less than
an hour ago. The message was relayed from town to town by the
Fromes. It's true that it takes many days to come to Loosta from
Teeme by road through the mountains, but the flight takes only
fourteen hours. I understand Fale told Korp in Fethren, who told
Yan in Highpoint, who told another and so forth. They fly all
night, you know."

"Well, I'm
Boss," Z introduced. "This is Maybe, Extrx, Yes and No."

"I'm called
Lars," the Tlorgian replied. "This is Linx.

"I see you've
had a meal in there. King Dihn and Queen Yilv will be relieved.
They aren't sure about the foods you prefer."

–
Fuzzface here likes anything with lots of spicenuts, as you
can smell. He sweats the stink of that crap!–

+Now, No! Be
nice! You do tend to smell of the spicenut though, Boss. Perhaps
Maybe can give you something to make you, er....+

–
Not
quite so offensive – in smell. I suppose you'll always be offensive
in the other ways.–

"You're hardly
the one to note offensive traits in anyone else!" Z returned. "You
two shut up.

"Do you have
something to freshen the breath, Maybe?"

Thing took a
capsule from under its robe and handed it to Z, then sprayed him
with a little atomizer jar.

"Yugh!" Ehrak
complained. "Now he smells like honey-flowers! I prefer spicenuts,
I think!"

[ Oops! Wrong
one! Here. ]

It sprayed him
from another bottle. He now smelled like the needlepines.

"That's
better," Z said. "Shall we go? I'm anxious to meet King Dihn. I've
heard a lot of good things about him."

They joked and
laughed as they went into the palace to be led into a large dining
room. The king and queen were just then entering through a side
door.

"Hello! I'm Kar
and this is Yilv!" the king greeted. "Welcome! You'll be Boss,
Extrx, Maybe and the golems. Which is Yes and which is No?"

–
What
the nine hells difference does it make to you,
Mealymouth?–

"Shut up!" Z
demanded.

"Ahh! As per
the accurate description of Clept! You're No, the obnoxious and
shallow one!" King Dihn said, grinning. "That means you're Yes.
Glad to meet you."

–
Hey!
Who the hells you calling obnoxious, Slugbreath?–

"You,
Pukeface!" King Dihn replied as loudly. "And I didn't call you
obnoxious, I merely noted that you were obviously the one DESCRIBED
to me in that manner. Your reaction shows me how accurate the
description was!"

–
You
know, I like you! You're the only one here with the guts to say
what you think!–

"Great flying
Fromes!" Yilv cried. "You've really reached the bottom if that one
likes you, Love!"

+Ah-hah! SHE'S
as gutsy as King Dihn!+

This reminded Z
of King Lear more than anything. He had been very open and
likeable. Kar did look like Obe Lear too, though Wald had been more
reserved than Yilv apparently was.

"As my
ancestor, Obe Lear, pointed out, I'm not your king nor the king of
the other demons so you can just call me Kar," King Dihn
suggested.

–
WE
never had the great displeasure of meeting Obe. WE were expected to
run that stupid court in Teeme!–

+Which reminds
us. We brought you an official court proclamation from the judge in
Teeme. No, for once, made a good point after we observed the courts
there. A thing has slowly evolved, but could have some very
deleterious effects on the system of jurisprudence.+

–
Great,
as the broad said, flying Fromes! Can't you just say we saw
something that could wreck the system if it ain't fixed?
Sheesh!–

"You two shut
up!" Z ordered. "You watch your tongue or, so help me Martin, I'll
melt you down for slag! Queen Yilv is NOT a broad!"

"Oh, I don't
mind," Yilv said. "I've been called worse – but not BY worse!"

Kar read the
decree, nodded, and told Linx to give it to the supreme judge for
distribution to all the courts, then escorted the group around the
city. Yilv came along with them, playing the one-upmanship game
with No while the rest of them discussed whatever subject happened
to come up. Occasionally a Frome would fly to them with a message
and would leave with Kar's reply. The king was at home with the
strange beings and seemed rather fond of a couple of them. The
group stayed for two days, then headed back to Teeme.

When they were
clear of the city and traveling at supersonic speed Z asked if
Maita had gotten the planal things it needed from Kene's notes.

*Not a damned
thing! That sorcerer wouldn't leave the room! I couldn't send a
floater in to read them!*

[ Well, back to
plan two! Why didn't you put the wizard on the probe? ]

*Because he was
never alone. I still have to determine those points!*

Z grinned and
shook his head.

Report of Trouble

It was after
dark when the group arrived back "home" to the castle. Maita warned
that Fale was waiting at the landing area for the clamshell so they
would have to stay in character. The floater sat gently in its area
and opened. Fale was asleep against the balustrade by the tower
entrance.

"Fale, my
friend," Z chided, waking the demon. "You would have been much more
comfortable inside. You shouldn't be out in this night cold."

"I would nod go
indo zhur home when zhu are nod zhere!" Fale protested.

[ You're
welcome at any time. Just go into the tower there and tell the
device you wish to go to the main rooms. Come on, we'll show you.
]

"Bud zhere are
gread dreasurez zhere!" Fale cried.

"They're all
wizard's gold and wizard's jewels," Ehrak argued. "Besides. We know
you aren't a thief. You can either come in through the tower or you
can land in the courtyard. The inner doors are always open."

They all went
into the tower room where Thing said to take them to the main hall.
Maita lowered the elevator that was the room and they went in to a
large meal on a large table. There was food for the Frome as well
as for the others.

"You can eat
anything in the white, blue or green dishes," Z instructed. "The
others may contain things that could be poisonous to people from
Frome. Maybe can't have anything in green dishes, I can't have
anything in an orange or red dish, Extrx has a system much like
mine, but can't have anything in the blue dishes. He can have
things from red dishes.

"What I'm
saying is that each of the planes has different requirements so we
try to supply food for anyone from any plane if we know they're
here. You will find the foods to be very unusual and very
good."

"Bud zhu didn'd
even know I was here undil zhu zhusd came!" Fale said.

[ The castle
knows. It prepares the foods. Is this a social visit or do you have
a message? ]

"I zhusd was
subbosed do dell zhe zhudge when zhu god back," Fale answered. "Zhu
zaid do days zo I was waiding. Id is very comfordable for me here
and I was dired from zhe flying wid zhe babers. If I am here zhere
are no udder zhingz for me do do!"

–
Lazy!
That's the trouble with the world!–

"Bud I was
flying for almosd dree days!" Fale cried.

+Don't pay any
attention to No. He spends most of his time sleeping so never gets
tired. I think you've done a truly exemplary job!+

–
Ahhh!
You wouldn't know....–

"Shut up!" Z
snapped. "No tends to feel inferior to you because your existence
serves a definite purpose and its own doesn't.

"Try some of
these cakes! They're delicious! It's made from a meal called
amaranth."

[ Don't take
what the golems say seriously, Fale. They just feel they're
obligated to make everything into some kind of show. The judge
won't be awake until morning anyhow so you can stay here for the
night. ]

They stayed
together awhile to talk and joke. Fale had a good sense of humor
and even began to make a few snappy comebacks to No's acid remarks.
Before they went to sleep, Fale said, "I zee what id iss wid No. Id
zhusd wands do dry do have zhe lasd word. Queen Yilv iss like zhat,
doo. Id musd have been fun zhere wid her!"

[ Ha! She made
No appear exactly the kind of fool it is! ]

–
I'll
fool you you ball of grazer turd! I'll show you.... Wwwoooo!
Yuhuhyuh gurg! Mmmeeeh!–

Thing passed a
tentacle over the head, which was suddenly coated with ice formed
from the air. Maita drew so much heat from it the air froze when it
touched. The floater left the room with Yes lecturing No on the
stupidity of messing with Maybe. The last they heard was No's voice
from the hall yelling, –AHHHH! SHUT UP!–

Fale was
delighted with the show, then they each went to their own rooms.
Maita had a servo build a perch for Fale in a room and adjusted the
temperature to what was best for it.

They met in the
dining hall in the morning.

[ I trust you
had a pleasant night, Fale? ]

"Zhes, I was
very comfordable," Fale replied. "Zhu are mosd kind."

They ate a good
nutritious dawnmeal, then Fale flew down to Teeme to tell the judge
the group had returned and would be at Net's Inn for the noonmeal.
It delivered a paper from the Supreme Judge to Judge Jeft, then had
to fly to Fethren with a copy for the judge there. The crew was
sitting at a long table at the Inn in a small semi-private dining
room with the golem floater hovering above the center of the table.
They had finished the delicious meal and were talking among
themselves. The golems were sniping at one another. Thing made a
pass over No's head and it suddenly found itself inside a block of
ice where no one could hear it. The show with the golems never
stopped. It amused people and made a lot of friends.

There was a
shadow from the door behind Z, but no one paid any attention to it
until Yes began to rail at No for being so stupid as to make
remarks to Maybe.

+No, you simply
WILL NOT learn not to mention cold or heat when Maybe's around! I
have TRIED to teach you, but all I get is the ... heh, hee ... cold
shoulder from you! Heeee! Except that you don't have any
shoulders!

–
I think
this is a rather COOL reception.... YAGHK!–

The most
terrifying sound Z had ever heard exploded close behind him. He
almost literally wet his robes. He knew what it meant to feel your
bones turn to water. He was barely able to turn around to see a
true monstrosity standing there. It was almost seven feet high, was
all muscles, teeth and claws. It had eyes that quite literally
glowed green and it smelled of sulfur. It was the blackest black Z
had ever seen. He knew this must be a Pluton, but his instinctual
fear of this kind of being was overwhelming.

"Sorry," the
Pluton said. "I shouldn't laugh when I'm behind someone and am
unexpected. It scares hell out of them.

"I'm Kurk,
Pluton, studying at Forthern. I can figure which of you is
which.

"Are you all
right, Boss?"

"Yeah. I'll get
over it, but not anytime very soon," Z answered. "Cripes! You don't
know the story behind my overreaction, but your people are demons
of the most horrifying kind back where I was raised!"

"Well, whenever
we're kidnapped from our world to some other where we aren't too
happy we do tend to become violent," Kurk replied. "It can be a
rather unpretty sight. We're bigger than anyone I've ever come
across. I suppose we might have wreaked a good bit of havoc on your
world at some time or other if you have sorcerers like they did
here. We learned a long time ago we were being kidnapped through
some sort of planal distortion technique so we've been trained to
do as much lasting damage as we can when it happens. It did cut way
down on the incidents."

[ Yes. It can
be useful to have a bad reputation in the right places. Z was
primed for this because Hades is the name for the place of the dead
on his home planet. You were described to him and he said there
were demons named Beelzebub or something on his home world that
looked like you. ]