Every Little Piece (12 page)

“That’s dangerous ground, Haley.” He squeezed me closer. “I’m only going to say it once. Deep down, you know, they wouldn’t want that for you. They’d want to be remembered, but they wouldn’t want you to feel the guilt for the rest of your life. You need to live for them.”

His words bounced off me. This ageless wisdom couldn’t sink through the wall I’d put around my heart. I needed the constant reminder, the guilt. I clung to it desperately. That I drove carelessly and put them in danger and ended their life within seconds. I needed that with me, every day, every breath. Every heartbeat. But I didn’t share that. I kept it tucked away inside. My secret, buried deep.

His phone buzzed. He tucked the blanket around me and walked away with a finger in his ear to hear above the wind. He returned a few minutes later, his face grim. I panicked.

“It was Seth.” He lowered his voice. “He wants me to drop you off at his house.”

“No.” The word spit out of my mouth. Then I gazed back out at the ocean, rocking.

“Haley.” He paused, probably hoping I’d make the right decision before he had to lecture me.

I cut him a break. After all, he’d brought me hot cocoa. “Fine.” I’d go talk to him only because I knew I needed to.

Noah drove me back to our town, but I hated being stuck inside this small car with all the doors still attached. I closed my eyes and gripped the armrest, trying to fight down the panic and the rush of memories.

He patted my knee. “We’ll be there soon. Hold on.”

But I was stuck. My heart beat a thousand miles every second. I was going to see Seth and I had no idea what to expect or what he wanted. All I knew was I missed him. In the span of a few days I went from worrying about his life, to not seeing him at all, to wondering what to do with the stranglehold on my emotions.

Noah pulled into the driveway. Their small cape brought back so many memories. I’d been there so many times. For pizza night and a movie. For Sunday family dinners. Just to hang out after school. His parents had accepted me as part of their family. This was different. I felt like I was about to enter for the first time. Nervous at what they were thinking about me. Any respect they had for me probably died that night.

I gripped Noah’s arm. “I can’t do this.” The judgmental look in their eyes, the pity. In fact, I couldn’t bear to face anyone again.

He pried my hand off his arm. “Yes, you can. You can do this.”

I studied him. His brown hair was the same exact color of mine. His eyes were the same greenish brown and I’d heard from multiple people that our social mannerisms were similar. If he were a few years younger we could be twins.

“Do you want me to wait for you?”

I glanced at the house. “No thanks. I’m hoping this will take longer than a few seconds. Seth can always bring me home.”

“Okay. Call me if you need to.” He practically pushed me out the door. “Go. No regrets.”

“No regrets,” I muttered and shut the door.

He pulled away, and I stood watching his taillights until they disappeared around the corner. I took some deep breaths and debated if I should run away or go knock on the door. But then the door opened, and I lost my chance.

I froze. Seth leaned against the doorframe, his hands shoved in his pockets. His face paled and he looked thinner. The happy-go-lucky glow was gone. I sucked in a quick breath. What had he been thinking these past few days? What did he think about me?

He stepped down, but my feet felt like they were stuck in mud.

He shuffled down the drive. I wanted to rush into his arms and sink into him but his hands were still in his pocket and he made no move to comfort or hold me. As with everything else in my life, our relationship had changed. I could feel it with every beat of my heart.

He pulled his hand out and his keys jangled. “Wanna go for a ride?”

“Not really. Unless you’re driving me home.”

Understanding crossed his face. “Sorry. That was pretty insensitive of me. Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.”

We started down the road, a thick, invisible wall separating us. He didn’t invite me in, and I couldn’t help but think it was because he couldn’t stand to be around me. This wasn’t about sex anymore. It might’ve been. But now he probably could only see me as the girl who killed her friends. I deserved his contempt and judgment.

“So,” he said.

I thought about what my brother said. No regrets. “Why didn’t you visit me in the hospital?”

He slowed and kicked at the stones on the sidewalk. “I wanted to,” he hesitated, “but you weren’t allowed visitors.”

There was more to it. Hiding in the shadows of his dark expression and in between his words, he was hurting. But I couldn’t be there for him. I couldn’t support him or hold his hand. I wanted to tell him how scared I was, how I was so glad he was alive, that I didn’t lose him too. But the words stay pushed down and strangled.

“Oh,” I said. It hurt that he didn’t try a little bit harder. “How was graduation?”

“I didn’t go,” he said.

His accusations came back to me from that night. He thought I couldn’t take anything seriously, that I joked too much. Behind his accusations, he wondered if I was serious enough for a future with him. Last week, I was. I worried he didn’t want one with me. That night in Justine’s backyard I realized how much we hadn’t communicated. We took our relationship for granted. I saw that now. Too little, too late. I didn’t even think about Carly. Maybe he was off making out with her while I was trapped under a pile of twisted metal. I didn’t want to ask, and he didn’t offer.

“Do you need a ride tomorrow?” His words were stilted like he was offering because he had to not because he wanted to.

“Nope.”

He stayed silent. Not that I needed to explain because I didn’t. But he wasn’t the first one to say nothing. No one convinced me to go to the memorial service, because they knew how insulting it would be for me to show up. How would Brin’s mom feel about me? What about Kama’s parents? I’d refused to return their calls. I couldn’t bear to see the judgment in their eyes, the blame all directed at me. I couldn’t do that to them on a day that was for them to grieve and say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t think I ever would be.

The sudden need to be at home with my parents, on my faded living room couch surged through me. Being with Seth hurt. I didn’t think I could hurt any more, that nothing could squeeze past the numbness. But to stand next to the boy I’d loved for years and not touch him, and sense him pulling away, tore my heart into tiny pieces.

“Can you take me home?” I asked, breathless.

“Sure.”

And just like that we headed back to my house. I leaned against his mom’s minivan while he ran in to tell his parents. How many times had we left his house and gone for a drive to spend time alone? Too many to count. I remembered when he got his license and the first time he picked me up for a date. Our parents made a big deal about it even though we were only going to the movies. He brought a pink carnation, probably picked up from the grocery store. I didn’t care. I hung it upside down and let it dry. It used to be pinned to my board. Hopefully Mom had taken care of that.

In this moment everything became clear. I couldn’t live here. I couldn’t go to college. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking about Kama’s dreams for Broadway that would never be realized. I thought about Brin’s mom and how this could push her over the edge. I’d caused so much pain.

We drove back in silence. I noticed the new-car smell and inhaled, glad for the lack of memories. “New van?”

“Uh-huh.” He gripped the wheel and stared at the road. He had more to say, but he held back, and I didn’t blame him. He probably couldn’t wait to drop me off and cut me loose. In fact, I’d do it for him. We pulled into the driveway and sat there for a couple minutes. Normally we’d have been making out.

“I think we should take a break. I need time,” I said. I needed forever.

He studied me, and I soaked him in. I took in his black hair and dark blue eyes. The face that I’d kissed so many times. The shoulder I’d leaned on over and over. I wasn’t sure how I’d move forward without him.

“Okay.” His voice sounded husky, but he cleared his throat. “If that’s what you need.”

I was aghast. He didn’t even try to fight for me. Tears rushed and each breath got tangled up with confusion inside. I fumbled with the door.

He touched me for the first time, and my tears flowed faster. “Haley?”

“Sorry, Seth.” I slammed the door and raced up the walkway to my house, and I didn’t look back once. I couldn’t. If I did, it’d be all over. I rushed past my parents and sprinted up the stairs to my room and closed the door. I threw myself onto my bed and pulled the pillow over my head, drowning out everything.

“Haley?” Mom knocked on the door.

“Go away! I just want to be alone.”

“Okay. We’re here for you.” And she left.

I stayed on my bed well into the afternoon and eventually fell asleep.

I dropped off Haley and barely made it back to the house. Saying goodbye to her was harder than I thought. I almost told her everything. The one thing holding me back was that my words and my story wouldn’t bring her healing. They’d hurt worse than she could ever imagine. She broke up with me because I abandoned her when she needed me most.

I got it.

I walked inside to find Dad at home. I guessed he felt like popping in for a visit. We’d barely talked since that night. But Mom and Dad were in the living room again, and I sensed it was to talk to me. Whatever they were hoping for, whatever their plans were to coerce me back to the land of the living wouldn’t work.

As I predicted, minutes later, I was sitting across from them. Unlike the last time, I wasn’t nervous. Their words had no power over me anymore.

“We’re concerned for you, son.” Dad had the gall to place his hand on Mom’s shoulder as if to show they were a team.

“I’ll be okay.” I searched for the rage that burned me up that night but it was broken into pieces and lost between the layers of guilt, fear, and hurt. Sometimes bigger truths overpowered ones that I used to feel. Truth could always be worse.

Mom spoke, her voice wavering. “We’re so sorry about everything.” She glanced up at my dad then back at me. “But we’re concerned that pulling away from everyone, even Haley, isn’t the answer. You need her right now, and I’m sure she needs you.”

I scoffed. If only they knew. “Come on, out of everyone, you two have to understand that some mistakes you can’t fix. Not like a minivan.” I’d told my parents that while we were in the pizza place, a driver had backed into the van and then driven off. They’d had no choice but to believe me even though my lies were obvious.

Mom blushed and Dad pulled his hand away. “We’re going to be working on that. I meant it when I said this wasn’t permanent. But sometimes for people to come to grips with their mistakes, they need time apart. Time to heal and forgive before they can find their way again.”

More than one sarcastic reply lay at the ready. I said, “What if there are some mistakes that time won’t heal?” My voice cracked. “That can’t be forgiven.”

Mom smiled, her eyes reflecting the pain and guilt I felt because she felt them too. “No mistake is too big to be forgiven when you love someone.”

I didn’t believe her. They might think that and hope their relationship could be mended but it wouldn’t be the same. The scars would remain. Some mistakes were too big. They swallowed a person and spit him out in pieces. I’d come to a decision and they wouldn’t like it. But today was obviously the day for break ups and pulling away.

“I’m not going to college next fall.”

“Seth?” Dad was stern, his shoulders tensed and his fingers gripped the chair. I prepared for a lecture.

“You can force me to go but I’ll be wasting money. My heart isn’t in it anymore, and I’ll spin my wheels and probably flunk out. Like you said, I need time.”

Mom gave Dad a warning look that said to roll with it or they’d lose me forever. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.”

“I won’t stay here. In fact, I plan on leaving this week. You two can take the time you need without me in the way.”