Disillusion Meets Delight (24 page)

“Ah Natalie, how have you been?”  Mr. B asks with his happy smile. 

“Oh, the same I suppose.”  Just then I remember the last time I was here and correct my reply.  “Actually, quite well indeed.”  I add with conviction. 

“That’s what I like to hear.  We saw Ian the other day.  He’s a good boy.”  Mr. B comments and gives me a wink.  What do they know?  Okay, Natalie, stop being paranoid.  These people are Italian, not psychic. 

“Ian?  Oh, yes, Ian.  Well, I am sure he is.  I wouldn’t know really, but I, I believe you, I mean…so, I thought I would get my usual to go.”  I can feel my face blushing as I stammer and look around the restaurant, unable to meet Mr. B’s eyes. 

“One usual for Natalie! To go Mama!”  Mr. B shouts to the kitchen. 

“Natalie!  Oh little one it is so good to see you!”  Mama walks out of the kitchen, flour preceding. 

“Hi Mrs. B it is good to see you as well.” 

“Darling, did you tell her we saw Ian the other day?”  Mrs. B asks her husband in delight.  “Did you tell her?”  But Mrs. B is interrupted.

“Tell her that we will be open an hour later on Sundays?  No my sweet, I haven’t yet.”  Mr. B gives Mrs. B a look and it is as though they are speaking telepathically because I have no idea what is going on.  Hmm, maybe it
is
an Italian thing? 

“Well, here is your pizza little one.  If we don’t see you before, we will see you at the anniversary party?”  Mrs. B asks in anticipation. 

“Oh I wouldn’t miss it for anything.  To celebrate the anniversary of my favorite couple in the whole world is an opportunity that cannot be missed.”  They really are my favorite couple.  It used to be Brad and Jennifer but I think we all know how that ended up.  You just can’t trust the celebrity unions anymore. One day they are in bliss, the next it is celebrity divorce court.  It’s sad really. If I become famous and marry Ewan McGregor, I can assure you that it will be for the long haul.  Oh wouldn’t that be fabulous?

As I am imaging what type of china pattern Ewan and I would have, I realize my phone has been ringing and went to voicemail.  Hmm, Mya wants me to go to some party tomorrow night.  Since I just walked in the door with my dinner, I decide that I need to eat first so it doesn’t get cold.  At 17.99% interest, I need to enjoy it to the fullest.

“So what is this party tomorrow night?”  I ask Mya while doing my dinner cleanup.  Okay, crushing up my pizza box to get it in the garbage can. 

“My friend from school is having a pleasure party and I thought it was the perfect thing for you!”  What is a pleasure party?  I hope it isn’t some weird new age thing where you find your inner soul or something. 

“I don’t know Mya, I don’t know if it would be my thing.”  Even though I’m the vegetarian, Mya is a lot earthier than I am.

“On the contrary, it is exactly what you need right now.  Besides if anything, it will make you laugh.  Anyway, it starts at 7 so I’ll be around to come get you around 6:30ish.”  I can hear clanking of glasses and such in the background, much like another time I spoke to her on the phone. 

“Mya are you out with Kyle?”  I ask in my most nonchalant tone. 

“Kyle’s friend from out of town is here so he is hanging out with him.”  She replies in her most vague yet kind of answering the question tone. 

“Are you out with friends?”  I ask back.  Two can play this game missy!

“Yes, I am out with a friend.”  She replies back.  Do I need to ask if it’s bigger than a bread box!?  Come on!

“Okay so are you out with that guy Mya??”  I finally had to get to the point.  This game was getting old fast. 

“Yes and I don’t want to talk about it.  So I will see you tomorrow night.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye!”  And with that she was gone and I was left to wonder what in the heck was going on with my friends lately.

Since I don’t really know anything about this pleasure party, I have no idea what to wear.  I can’t reach Mya to find out what she is wearing so I decide to go dressy casual.  It is absolutely freezing lately so I opt to not wear the cute open toe pumps that I found at the Nordstrom Rack the other day.  They are Marc Jacobs and I found them for only $79.99!  Can you believe it?  Granted I won’t be able to wear them for several months now but it’s an investment really. 

I am wearing my favorite black J Brand jeans with my black Stuart Weitzman booties and long cashmere sweater.  It’s pouring down rain, as usual so to add a splash of color and practicality I am going to wear my new olive green Calvin Klein rain trench coat and cheetah print scarf.  It is so chic.  I feel really posh when I wear it.  I have to say that I look truly amazing tonight.  I even give the appearance that I am quite well off.  It may be an illusion, but they all don’t need to know my credit card debt.  Perhaps I went to college and actually got a job that pays my bills and allows a luxurious lifestyle!  It must happen to somebody with a degree!  Doesn’t it?    

We walk into the house and there is an eclectic group of women.  Young, old, preppy, hippie.  As I scan the room, I realize that it is all women.  There is not a single man in the whole house!  Oh what have I gotten myself into?  Is it some sort of feminist self help group?  Like the women in
Jerry Maguire
that talk about being divorced and cry about how pathetic they are?  I’m all about girl power but I am not ready for group counseling. 

“Mya, there aren’t any men here?  What kind of party is this again?”  I whisper as we pour a glass of wine. 

“Men aren’t allowed to be here.”  Mya replies as though it is obvious. 

“What?!  Where did you bring me, Mya?”  I ask looking around suspiciously.  Now that I think about it, that one looks a little uh, masculine if you know what I mean?    

“Natalie, it’s a party about sex toys and stuff.  I thought you knew?”  Oh my god.  I’m at a sex party?  I’ve never been to a sex party!  I don’t even own a vibrator!

“Um, no I didn’t know.  Are they all…lesbians too?”  I gulp my glass of wine down and begin to pour another.  I’m going to need reinforcements from Mr. Pinot Grigio.

“No you crack head!  It’s the law in Oregon that men can’t be present…I think. Have another drink Natalie.  Please!”  Mya fills up my glass and I begin to relax. 

The party begins and we are all gifted with pens that are in the shape of penises.  Oh and they glow in the dark.  For those who feel the need to write with the lights off I suppose.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.   

Some ladies are very well versed in the myriad of lubricants and dildos while others appear to be so embarrassed by it all, they don’t know whether to laugh or cry.  Some do both.  I personally didn’t know there were so many things to enhance one’s pleasure in the bedroom.  There are lotions and lubes to increase stimulation by your mate.  There are sprays to put on the sheets to create a silken texture and even faux rose petals for those extra romantic nights.

As humorous as the whole affair is, I feel a bit sad.  I wish I had a man to bring home fun little extras to spice up our tedious sex life.  One night stands don’t really give the opportunity to grow tired of the same old routine.  I hear women talk about how their husband would love this while others talk about how their boyfriends need to try that.  My melancholy state almost begins to ruin my buzz, when from the suitcase our party coordinator brings out a different type of buzz. 

As I scramble through our catalogue to find this interesting novelty, it is passed around the room.  It is shaped just like a real penis, texture and all!  But it has a special little curve that our coordinator explains is to help discover the G-Spot!  Yes, I have heard of this alleged G-Spot!  I read about how to find it in Cosmo but to my dismay, I confirmed one solitary night that it must be an urban legend.  Yet this device is guaranteed to improve technique and one’s chances of meeting the almighty G.  I have to have it.  I must!  I am a chronically single woman who lives alone.  It is my destiny!

“Are you going to get anything Mya?”  I ask as everyone is filling out their order forms and discussing what items they prefer. 

“I don’t know.  I don’t really feel like spending any money.  I might get that bottle of lube though.”  She replies casually. 

“I’m getting this!”  I point to the item on the catalogue page in excitement. 

“I thought you didn’t have very much money?”  She warns. 

“Yeah but I need this.  I mean, I don’t know when I might get to have sex again.  I’m a single woman who has needs too!”  This is very true.  It has been quite some time and since I have grown tired of my early twenties one night stands, I need to supplement it with something!

“That’s true.  It’s better than picking up some random guy in a bar.  Come on let’s go in and order.”  We walk into the room where it is just us and the party coordinator.  Apparently, this is to keep the ordering private.  It doesn’t make much sense to me since everyone just spent the past 15 minutes sharing order forms to see what was being ordered but oh well.  When in Rome!

I am very disappointed to learn that my selection will have to be ordered by mail and although I am spending my money right now, I won’t be able to go home with my new friend.  Oh well.  All in good time I suppose.  I must say that I am feeling pretty good and could quite possibly be tipsy from this wine.  This has been a good night indeed! 

All good nights must come to an end however.  Mine was around 10:35 when I passed out on my bed from being drunk.  It was even worse when I woke up Sunday morning with a terrible headache and wretched taste in my mouth.  It appeared to be a combination of stale wine and creamy artichoke dip.  Apparently, I was so drunk that I didn’t even brush my teeth!  Good lord, how much wine did I have? 

Again, since I have no food, I am starving so I brush my teeth, throw on some clothes and a baseball cap and head over to the bagel shop to get breakfast.  The baseball cap is a fine accessory for the bleary eyed and pasty faced.  It covers the unattended coif while also casting shadow over the face.  I always feel a little like Quasimoto when I enter the outside world without makeup.  There are sacrifices to be made however when one requires sustenance.    

Have you ever noticed how excellent food can be after a night of drinking?  I was starving and my bagel breakfast egg sandwich with extra cheese and no meat was the best thing I ever tasted.  I down another cup of coffee and realize that I seriously need to open my check book to write down and calculate my debits.  Yes I know everyone else does online banking.  I still like to write it all down.  My theory is it makes me more responsible for what I spend. 

Let’s see, where is the receipt from Starbucks?  Oh yes, there it is.  Okay so that’s $10.55 there.  I was out of coffee that day so it made sense to buy my beans there while I picked up my Pumpkin Spice Latte.  Why make another trip to the grocery store?  Unless of course, one needed to get groceries, which actually, I did and still do but never mind.  I sort through my purse and find all my debits including the one from last night and begin to calculate it all.  Oh, this can’t be right.  No, this cannot be right at all.  It is Sunday and I don’t get paid until Friday and I have $4.78 in my account?  How can this be?  I can’t live on $4.78 for 5 days! It isn’t humanly possible!  Not to mention that I have a granola bar, some bread and some pasta in my cupboards!  I can’t make a meal with that concoction!  It was the vibrator.  Why did I buy it?  I don’t need it!  And I didn’t even get to take it home with me!  I will just call the lady and tell her to cancel my order.  Yes that’s what I will do. 

I find the receipt and call the phone number on the bottom.  How could this lady take advantage of me like that?  Didn’t she know I was drunk?  That’s why those fancy boutiques give customers champagne while shopping!  If you get people drunk, they won’t realize they are spending their grocery money on superficial things! 

The phone rings for what seems an eternity but finally the lady picks up. 

“Um, yes, my name is Natalie Everett.  I attended the party last night.”  It is important to be professional and polite immediately.

“Uh, yeah, what can I do for you?” 
Uh, yeah?
For someone in sales, she does not appear to be very polished. 

“Well, I purchased an item and I would like to cancel my order.”  I say quick and to the point. 

“Sorry, but all sales are final.  You can’t.”  She says quick and to the point as well.  Rather hastily might I add?

“What do you mean all sales are final?  I didn’t even get to bring my item home.  I have changed my mind.  Aren’t people allowed to change their minds?”  Okay, I began the conversation in a calm manner but this is getting ridiculous.