Disillusion Meets Delight (22 page)

“You are aware that they didn’t though, right?”  Mya asks, making sure that I haven’t totally lost my marbles. 

“Natalie, you always complain that there are no men out there for you.  They don’t like you or you don’t like them.  Now, finally, a man that holds all the qualities you require is showing interest in you.  Stop running.  Stop going for a guy that you know holds no future for you because it’s safe.” 

For a moment or two, there was silence at our table.  I didn’t have anything to say because I knew that Jenna was actually right.  I couldn’t see myself marrying Jake.  He would be like all the others, a couple nights of fun and then end up a distant memory. 

“Well, I’m having an affair.”  Mya says matter of fact.

“What?!”  Jenna and I say in unison.

“Yep.  Well, I haven’t slept with him, but we’ve had coffee and dinner.  He is a respiratory therapist that works at the hospital.”  Mya now knows she has our full attention and begins to polish the fork at the table. 

“Mya, what about Kyle?  He is a fabulous boyfriend to you.”  Jenna asks in shock. 

“You guys, he is a really nice guy but I am invisible to him.  Between his work and activities and my school, we don’t even hang out anymore.  I love him but I feel like I’m middle aged and living with my buddy.”  Mya’s eyes begin to water a bit but she fights off tears. 

“I had no idea things were so bad Mya.  I’m sorry.”  I feel so self absorbed.  How could I have not seen it?  I’m a terrible friend!

“Me too!  So, who is this guy really Mya?  Is he a fling?”  Jenna asks.

“I don’t know what is going to happen, if anything.  His name is Ben and he is divorced.  The best part is that he listens to me you guys.  He is interested in what my thoughts and ideas are.  It’s so refreshing!”

“Mya, have you talked to Kyle about how you’re feeling?  I honestly think you owe it to him to at least see if he feels the same.  Your relationship is still salvageable.”  I respond in my responsible friend tone. 

 “You know, it’s funny Natalie that you say that.  I think you know what you need to do too.”  Jenna assumed that Mya was addressing the situation regarding my love life. However, I knew that she meant something else. 

Ian welcomed Friday with an early morning run.  Fall had definitely set in Portland so it was a cold, damp morning with the sun just beginning to rise.  It was rare that he ever saw Jenna running anymore.  At first, it was a relief so he didn’t have to explain anything or worse, lie.  But Ian realized that he liked running with Jenna.  It made it go much faster as she often distracted him with her daily drama and gossip. 

After a normal Friday morning at work filled with meetings and deadlines, he met up with Jake to get a late lunch.  It was hard for him to hang out with Jake because whenever Ian saw him, he thought of Natalie.  That caused complications given that he resolved to forget about her.  Despite Mr. B and Maggie’s words of wisdom, he decided his life was far less stressful before his feelings for Natalie developed.  It was now just a matter of getting over her. 

“So, what do you have going on this weekend?”  Ian asks as he delves into his grilled chicken salad.

“I don’t know.  It’s too wet for golf.  I was supposed to take Natalie out tonight but I haven’t called her yet. We had dinner the other night and I don’t think she had a very good time.  My buddy is in town from Texas so I might just go out with him.”  Jake replies as he cuts up his steak. 

“So, are you going to call her and cancel at least?”  Ian asks frustrated.

“I thought maybe I could get you to do it.”  Jake laughs. 

“That’s not funny Jake.  Jesus what is wrong with you?  There is a woman out there with brains and beauty that is willing to give you a chance and you just throw it away.” 

“Okay, first of all, Jake Miles can get any chick on any day of the week.  Yeah, she’s cute but I don’t want to be with someone that makes me feel stupid.”  Jake replies. 

“You aren’t stupid.  You just don’t use your head; it’s two completely different things.”  Ian said, suddenly feeling like the big brother to Jake, who clearly needed some guidance.   

“Well if you think she’s so great why don’t you go out with her?  I just don’t want to get tied down.  I’m not ready and this girl is a tying down kinda girl.”  Jake laughs when he realizes the different interpretations of his statement.  

“Ok, so let me get this straight.  You’re just going to stop calling her now.  Just pretend like you never met her.  Is that right?”  He can’t believe that he is trying to rationalize with the man that is essentially his rival in love.  This is ridiculous.

“Dude, you haven’t been in the dating scene in a while have you?  That’s what you do.  It’s much easier than calling them, making them cry and then feeling guilty about it.  This way, it’s a clean break.”  Jake explains, completely satisfied that his theory is just. 

“No, I’ve done that too, but hearing it from you makes me realize just how much of an asshole I was.” 

“Whatever man, so do you want to go out tonight with us?”  Jake asks as though the conversation seconds ago didn’t take place.

“No, I don’t really feel like it but thanks.”  Although Ian mildly attempted to get his point across, he really wanted to kick Jake’s ass for not appreciating his opportunity.

Natalie didn’t give a rat’s ass about him but for some reason, took interest in Jake.  Jake, a man that thinks Monday night football and beer was an appropriate date.  Why?  What was Ian doing wrong?  Was he too nice?  Nope, that couldn’t be it because he thoroughly pissed Natalie off on a regular basis.  Was he not good looking enough?  No, Ian felt that despite the non-existent sex life, he was an attractive guy. 

All night, Ian lay in bed wondering what Jake had that he didn’t but all he could resolve was one thing…Natalie.

I was supposed to have a nice romantic dinner with Jake last night but he never called.  I turned my ring up, I turned my ring down.  I called people to then, call me just in case my ring wasn’t working.  I didn’t go anywhere without my phone, not even in the bathroom.  It became quite apparent by the time the 20/20 music was echoing throughout my living room, that I had been stood up. 

To be perfectly honest, I knew that Jake wasn’t really the best guy for me.  I mean, come on, he didn’t know who George Stephanopoulos was!  Who doesn’t know that?  But nobody likes to be rejected.  There is nothing worse than sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring and being let down when it’s only your best friend or your mother.  I wanted to have dinner with Jake.  I wanted to have one last time with him, just to make sure there wasn’t a debonair young man somewhere inside.  Instead, I was left alone on a Friday night watching some ghost show.  This is why single women need cable. 

So, now I awake to what will be the beginning of my new life.  Forget men, who needs them anyway?  Jake probably didn’t think I was sexy enough and Ian thinks I’m a selfish bitch and a terrible friend.  Not to mention, I am sure he thinks worse of me now that I failed to thank him for the lovely flowers he sent.  What is wrong with me?  I don’t know why I didn’t call him.  Maybe I was scared.  Is it possible that I was afraid a simple phone call could result in something more and something more after that?  Good lord, it could have even become, wait, I can barely say it… a relationship?!

Maybe my friends were right.  Ian is everything I am looking for in a man.  He is good looking, dresses well, educated and a bit of an asshole sometimes.  He is from Washington D.C. so I’m sure he knows who George Stephanopoulos is.  God I’ve ruined everything! 

As much as I still actually like Ian, the idea of getting involved with anyone now scares me even more.  I have very little faith in love at the moment.  Mya is practically cheating on her boyfriend; Jenna is dating a man who is engaged to someone else, Laura only dates her ex husband from time to time and my mother has only been on one date since my father died.  Is it any wonder that I am fairly hesitant to put myself out there?  Is there any point to it all?  My studies show that love just doesn’t work out. 

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.  It isn’t a very scientific study but it’s my study all the same.  I feel quite confident that if I were to do a more in depth study on the terrible state of love, I would never want to watch another chick flick again.  The chick flick is there to give you a glimmer of hope that if it can happen to the heroine who’s heart was thrown in the gutter, it could happen for anyone.  If I became 100% disillusioned then I would only be left with shoot em up mobster movies and my Pilates DVD.  I would be well toned but very angry and then I would need Botox due to all the scowling.  Who wants to keep that habit up?  Not me!  I’d rather spend my money on shoes, thank you very much.

So, I spent all morning on the sofa watching various cooking shows on the Food Network and felt almost inspired to whip something up when Jenna saved me from culinary disaster. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner tonight.  I’ve been feeling kind of down lately.  Maybe we could go somewhere on NW 23
^rd
?” Jenna’s normal tone was upbeat and perky but there was something more solemn in her voice.  Maybe it was the guilt of not calling more often for girl time.

“Yeah we could do that.  What’s up?  You don’t sound good.”  I ask, trying to be concerned while trying to pay attention to another 30 Minute Meal. 

“Rob and I had a fight.  He never wants to spend time with me anymore.  I feel like I did something wrong but I don’t know what.  I’m so good to him and all he ever wants to do is buy me crap!”  She sobs and my heart breaks for her, even though she
does
have a real Louis Vuitton bag and some rather nice Tiffany jewelry.  Oh and those beautiful shoes.  Ugh.  I know why he is behaving the way he is and I don’t think I have ever felt so horrible than at this very moment. 

“Listen, Jenna there’s something that, I, uh, well…” I stutter while my palms become sweaty and my heart beats as though I’m running a marathon. 

“Oh, hang on, someone’s calling me.”  Jenna interrupts my near confession and puts me on what seems to be perma-hold.  By the time she gets back on the phone with me, I have lost all nerve to tell her the truth.  I have however jotted down the recipe for a great Mac and Cheese recipe.

“I’m sorry, that was Rob.  He called back to apologize.  He offered to take me to dinner but I told him I was hanging out with you.  Aren’t you proud of me?”  Jenna rejoices.  It was true, I was proud of her because in the whole time I’ve known Jenna, she has always been someone who drops everything for her current man of the month.  She was flaky when it came to men but when we did get together, I had such a great time I would usually forget her downfalls.

“That’s great Jenna.  So, when do you want to meet up?”  I respond, trying to sound supportive but feeling like a heel at the same time. 

“How about I pick you up at seven?  I want to go to the mall and get a pretty outfit because I feel like looking good tonight.  Do you want to go?” 

“No, that’s okay.  I’m kind of busy taking care of stuff around here.  But call me later if you want.  I’ll see you later.” 

Yes, I lied, kind of anyway.  There were things that needed tending at home, such as the laundry, my bathroom counter, vacuuming etc. but I had no intention of doing any of that.  I was depressed and feeling rather self-loathing so I would be laying on the sofa with my cuddly cat and something from the chick flick library in my DVD cabinet.

It was just about seven o’ clock and Jenna called to say she was on her way.  It had been quite a while since Jenna and I spent quality time together so I made an executive decision not to bring up the horrific secret I had been hiding for far too long.  I had been keeping it this long, what’s another night? 

For a brief moment today, I thought she was going to get dumped and then I would be in the clear.  I know it is wrong to hope your dear friend gets the boot but sometimes it is just easier in the end for everyone.  Okay, when I say everyone, I mean me but it’s easier all the same. 

It was raining really hard tonight so the hair definitely was up.  I didn’t feel like dressing up very much so I went with a black turtleneck, jeans and black boots.  Too add a splash of color I brought out the green fake croc handbag I got at the Ann Taylor fall sale.  

I hear the horn honk and make a mad dash for her SUV.  Halfway down the stairs I wish I would have grabbed my umbrella but really don’t want to run back up.  I have never denied my lazy tendencies.