Desired Affliction (8 page)

I could feel his chest rise and fall against my back. We
fell asleep together as he held me close.

(Kole)

Things with Lexi were changing. She was happy and she
smiled. I could get her to laugh and that sound…that sound was like a beautiful
song to my ears. She was so comfortable around me and our time together just
felt natural…peaceful. I convinced her to sing for me and when she broke out
her guitar I tried not to appear shocked. I had no idea she could play. I knew
this was a big step for her.

“You can’t laugh…even if you hate it and it hurts your
ears…just lie!” She really was so fucking cute, “Well I am not gonna hate
it…did you forget I have already heard you sing even though you told me to
forget all about it I didn’t. I know you sound good so I don’t have to lie.” I
stole a kiss and she took a deep breath…

When she began strumming the guitar my heart raced and my
chest tightened…

I don't need whiskey to drown out
the pain
Or some old umbrella to hold off the rain
Don't have to cross over a river of tears
All that I need is right here…
Holding you, holds me together
When holding on gets just a little too hard
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…
You know life's a freight liner on a runaway track
And I'll take the ride knowing that you'll bring me back
No faith too uncertain, no distance too far
As long as you're here in my arms…
Holding you, holds me together
When holding on gets just a little too hard
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…

Whenever I
hold you tight this crazy world of mine
Falls right in place
Whatever the trouble is you find a way to give back what it takes…
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…
Holding you, holds me together.

I felt like my heart was in my throat. She kept her head
down like she was afraid to look at me…maybe embarrassed or nervous. I reached
for her guitar and placed it on the floor. I knelt down in front of her. I
tilted her chin up and brought my lips to hers. I knew what I was feeling for
her was something I never bothered with before. Lexi had so many amazing qualities
but she hides them. With time she was allowing me in and I had to say each time
she stole another little piece of my heart.

“That was beautiful Lexi…don’t hide your face. Hearing
you sing and play your guitar I got to be honest with you…it turns me on…it’s
hot as hell,” the giggle that escaped from her made me smile in return. I
crawled up the bed and brought myself over the top of her body. She felt so
small beneath me…but she felt right. Things started to heat up quickly between
us and our comfort with one another was a little shocking. I knew she trusted
me completely and she should because protecting her was all I wanted. When I
felt her hands slide up the back of my shirt I let out a moan. Lexi’s hands are
so delicate and she can undo me every time with the smallest touch.

Keys rattled the door and we both groaned in
disappointment. “Okay you two can stop dry humping each other…I am home now,”
Megan complained as she dropped her bag to the floor and flopped onto her bed.
I kissed Lexi once more and climbed off of her to quickly adjust myself,
“Thanks for the cock block Megan.” Both the girls laughed, “I’m gonna take off
baby, I’ll see ya later,” she pouted a little but stood to give me one more
kiss before I left them alone.

I asked Lexi to come home with me for Thanksgiving I knew
she wouldn’t but I wanted to offer anyway. I couldn’t help the disappointment I
felt when she said no. Matt wouldn’t be there which was a really good thing
because I knew the next time I seen him I wouldn’t be able to control my anger.
I knew I would have to beat the shit out of the fucking punk. There was no way
I could not defend Lexi.

I didn’t want here spending the holiday alone. I felt
horrible that she had no plans. I couldn’t believe that she and her mother were
no longer close. It made me feel a little better that Megan would be staying
here too since her parents had gone on a cruise.

I convinced Lexi to spend the night with me on Wednesday
night before I left for home. When she showed up at the house I was in the
shower and the fact that she found Hope walk through the kitchen in her bra and
panties just pissed her off. When I walked into my room and found her sitting
on my bed with the death glare I knew something happened. “Is it a normal
gesture to walk around half naked in a house full of Frat guys?” I knew at that
point who she was talking about because Hope got under Lexi skin badly. “It is
if your sleazy and looking for attention…don’t worry about her okay.” I could
tell she was cranky and I didn’t want tonight to be about this. I tried to
soothe her but she didn’t want that so I sat back and let her complain and vent
about Hope…

I got everything loaded in my car early Thursday before I
woke her up. I ran my hand over her arm. She hated mornings, “Wake up baby…It’s
time for me to leave.”

She groaned and buried her face in the pillow, “Lexi…I
could just carry you to my car and kidnap you…if you woke up and I was over
halfway home you would have a choice would you?”

I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face, “If
you weren’t so damn good looking I would hurt you for waking me up,” she
groaned into my chest. I laughed lightly, “Well then I am really glad I am so
sexy.” Lexi reached out and pushed my arm…this girl had me wrapped around her
finger and she didn’t even know it.

I was hoping she would change her mind at the last minute
but when I pulled up in front of her dorm and she got out I knew that wasn’t
going to happen. “I am going to miss you baby…you sure I can’t convince you to
come with me?” I knew it was a long shot but I desperately wished she would
just give in. When I had told my mom who I was dating she was shocked… ‘Little
Lexi?’ Well she’s all grown up now.

“I can’t go Kole but I really appreciate the offer. It
was really sweet of you.” She rose up onto her toes and kissed me so lightly
allowing her kips to linger for a few seconds before lowering herself back
down. It was crazy but this girl had my stomach in knots…and it was not a bad
thing just a really unfamiliar thing. I held her close a few minutes longer, “I
guess I better get going.” We had been together every free moment over the last
few weeks and I was not going to be seeing her for four days. It was going to
be a long weekend.

We exchanged a few more kisses before I got into my car
and drove toward home. I immediately missed her…I have turned into such a
pussy.

I turned my radio up to drown out my thoughts of Lexi.
The ride seemed to go by fairly quickly. Pulling into the driveway I got out
stretching my legs. My phone chimed from the passenger seat notifying me of an
incoming message.

Lexi---I miss you like crazy

She has no idea what she has done to me…how much I think
about her. How when I hear her voice it seems to make a bad day great. I never
wanted the girlfriend thing. I enjoyed my freedom and the random parties with
no string attached sex.

There was something about Lexi that drew me in. Yeah the
fact that I knew her when she was younger and how much she had changed was the
initial attraction. I mean she is hot and she has that sexy appeal that I have
to admit now felt like it clawed at me every time I seen her. My first
attraction was definitely physical I wanted to be with her so badly. It became
a flirting game and her bitchy attitude just made me want her more. Every time
she pushed away well it made me try harder until I started noticing the
signs…the heartache. Things changed and I found myself looking at her
differently. I wanted to know her…and protect her. I wanted to be that guy that
could make her smile and laugh.

I wanted to call her…I wanted to hear her voice.

I stood in my parent’s driveway and dialed her number.
She answered after the third ring…

‘Hi’
damn she sounded so sweet.

‘Hey baby, I wanted to call you and let you know I just
made it home…I miss you too. I still say you should have come home with me. Mom
would have loved to see you. She still can’t believe we are actually together.’
I was rambling. It was really weird that I felt nervous…why did I feel
nervous?

‘Maybe next time…we’ll see. Tell her I said hi
though.’
She sounded off really quiet.

‘Lex is everything okay? You sound off…’
she
laughed but I could tell it was completely forced. I felt my stomach tighten as
a million things ran through my mind.

‘I’m fine Kole…really. It is just really quiet here
and I just wish you were here.’

So did I…

About that time the front door came open and I looked up
to see my mother coming down the front steps walking straight for me. “Are you
talking to Lexi?” I just nodded in response.

‘Hey Lex…I’m going to get my things inside and get
settled and then I’ll call you…Are you sure you’re okay. I can’t help the
feeling that you’re hiding something.’
I heard her take in a deep
breath and the fact that my mother was now two feet from me with a concerned
look was a little distracting.

“Tell Lexi I said Hi and she needs to come visit soon,” I
never had to repeat it back to Lex she heard my mom and she responded.

‘Tell her I said hi and I’ll talk to you later
Kole. Have a good weekend with you family really I am fine…bye’
She
hung so quickly I couldn’t even say goodbye. I fought the urge to call her
right back. Instead I hugged my mother and followed her into the house with a
lump lodged in my throat.

(Lexi)

I knew I did a horrible job at trying to act natural when
I talked to Kole. It was the combination of missing him and being alone because
Megan decided to go home with Radley which I refused to tell Kole. It would
only make him feel horrible about me being here by myself. I knew I should have
gone with him but it was too late now. The text messages started about two
hours ago. I couldn’t take the chance of seeing Matt which is exactly the
reason I turned down the invitation from Kole.

Matt had no idea that Kole and I were together. I just
needed to turn my phone off but then Kole would wonder why I didn’t answer his
calls and then of course it would lead to him thinking the worst. I should have
changed my number but then I would have to admit to everyone that Matt was still
harassing me. I hated how they all hovered over me treating me like a victim so
I would just erase them like I always did.

I fell back onto my bed and let out a deep frustrated
breath.
“Chirp”,
my cell phone was again indicating another incoming
message.

‘You can’t cry rape if you willing went upstairs
with me and you knew it was what I wanted…that is not rape. That is just regret
for once again being a slut…it’s who you are Lex…A WHORE. You will fuck anyone
with a dick. You’ll never change. I have heard about you from around town. You
woke up in so many different beds with so many different guys. Hell you have
been poked more than a pin cushion…you are dirty and anyone with sense wouldn’t
want you. You’re used…and not worth the time.’

I hated that he was getting to me. I didn’t have anyone
to talk to and I felt like the room was beginning to close in on me. I felt
like I couldn’t breathe.

I wanted a drink. I wanted to clear my head of the
garbage. Matt was bringing back the images of how I felt about myself. I had
been trying to fight it. Since I have been with Kole things have been easier to
forget. He is a great distraction. But at the end of the day when I close my
eyes and my mind begins to wonder…I see myself morning after morning waking up
after a night of regret. Knowing what I had done but unable to remember the
details…for that night I was able to tolerate a touch, a kiss…sex without
feeling terrified.

I didn’t have to be numb to be with Kole…when he touched
me I didn’t feel dirty or frightened. I actually felt safe and desired. I
didn’t deserve the way he looked at me. I was dirty…and a slut.

The longer I sat there the harder it was to fight the
urge to get drunk…just to go to nearest bar and lose myself. I had no one here
to stop me and no one here to make me feel bad for it. I picked up my phone to
call Megan but it went to her voicemail. I couldn’t call Kole again it hadn’t
even been an hour since I last talked to him. I didn’t want to be the nagging
girlfriend. He needed the time with his family without me interrupting him.

I tried to watch a movie but I couldn’t stop my mind from
turning. I tried to eat something but my stomach was in knots. I slipped on my
jeans and changed my shirt. After I paced my room for over twenty minutes I
slowly slid on my shoes and grabbed for my keys.

Pulling up in front of a place called ‘Grubs’ I started
to second guess my choice. It didn’t look busy so someone I know seeing me
shouldn’t be a problem. Almost everyone had gone home for the weekend. Fuck
it…I grabbed my fake ID and money then went inside.

I made my way to the bar and really didn’t pay attention
to my surroundings. “What can I get ya sweetheart?” A middle aged guy from
behind the bar asked as I sat down on the stool, “Tequila two and a bud light.”
He nodded his head and turned to get my drinks. “Hey Russ I got that,” I heard
someone say over my left shoulder. I turned to look behind me but he was
already lowering himself onto the chair next to me. He was entirely to close
and I felt my chest tighten. I had never seen this guy before. He appeared to
be maybe in his mid to late twenties. He wasn’t bad looking with his shaggy
hair and blue eyes…but he wasn’t Kole.