“God Damn it Lex…Fucking idiot,” I whispered to myself as
I run my hands through my hair and look over at the guy lying naked next to me.
I told myself I was going to stop doing this. I pulled the sheet off and slowly
slid out of the bed trying my best not to wake him. I held my hand up to shield
my bare breasts as I searched the floor for my clothes.

Stumbling forward I stubbed my toe on the footboard of
the bed, “Mother….son of bitch.” I tried to hold in the pain that now shot
through my foot, “Hey, where you sneaking off to?” My outburst had woken him
up…damn it I can’t remember his name. “I actually have to work…sorry do you
um…know where my clothes are?” He stood up from the bed completely naked and
showing no shame as he stretched his arms above his head. I turned away to
avoid eye contact…at least he was hot…god what the hell was I saying I can’t
remember anything from last night. I had to stop drinking…I was
self-destructing and I needed to listen to Megan. This was crazy.

I let one party after graduation change my whole way
life…I immediately fell to a low point and I can’t seem to pull myself back.
I was waking up to many times in places I didn’t remember. I looked down
on the floor beside the bed…three condom wrappers. Oh my god…I guess one good
thing at least I was safe…ugh!

He tossed me my skirt and I found my shirt on the floor
next to his jeans. After I quickly dressed I grabbed my keys and went for the
door, “So do I get your number?” I almost made it out free and clear. “Um yeah
sure…” I grabbed a pen off the dresser and scribbled a fake number on the
cigarette box that I picked up from the floor. When I handed it to him he
grabbed my hand and pulled me on to the bed as he quickly brought his body over
mine. “I had a lot of fun last night…your kind of a freak in bed,” he bit my
neck and ran his tongue along my jaw.

I felt the room closing in on me I had to get out of here
and fast…the familiar panic was setting in, “I had a good time too...call me
okay.” I tried to control my breathing. I slipped out of the bed and went for
the door. Thank god I would be out of here next week and off to college. I can’t
do clingy or affectionate. The closeness terrifies me. I can’t be close unless
I am in a completely drunk state of mind…because then I can numb myself and I
won’t remember. I can pretend for a short time that I am not damaged…that I can
be someone else…someone free.

One

(Lexi)

“So are you ready to go yet?” I leaned back against the
passenger door of Megan’s car as she put her huge duffle bag into the back
seat, “Um yeah I’ve been ready…just waiting on your pokey ass to get it
together.” I flipped her off as I crawled into the car and she walked around to
the driver’s side. Megan and I have been friends since seventh grade when she
moved to this shithole town after her parents divorced. She is the only person
I have shared my deepest darkest secrets with. The only one that knows
everything I went through and what I am still struggling with every day. I knew
I could trust her and I needed someone I could trust…at least one person to
keep me sane.

“Okay here we go…we should be there in 287.7 miles,” I
rolled my eyes at her and turned up the stereo and sang along…

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I missed the life
I missed the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

I always loved to sing but lately I would only find
myself doing it around Megan or when I’m alone. I stopped playing the guitar
too. I stopped all of it. Anything that had meaning to me because really what
in hell was the point anymore?

“Keep singing Lexi Lou…” I looked at her with a light
smile. Before I could say anything we were interrupted by her phone ringing. We
had only been driving for about twenty minutes but I could tell by her
excitement that it was Radley. They had been dating for two years now and she
was head over heels. “We’re on our way…I can’t wait to see you either. We got a
late start…” she faded off as she looked over at me and stuck out her tongue. I
quickly grabbed the phone from her hand.

“The thing is Rad your girlfriend…well she’s kind of a
huge luggage whore. I think we may have to pay for a storage unit to house all
her damn clothes. Either that or I am going to have to sleep in the hallway
instead of our dorm room.” He laughed, “I hear ya…just be careful and drive
safe.” I handed the phone back to her so they could say their mushy goodbyes. I
felt nauseous just imagining the closeness they had it made me claustrophobic.

“Radley said there is a party tonight at the frat
house…what do you think? Wanna go?” Parties and I don’t seem to work well
together and she knew it. There were all the people and the closeness of the
guys breathing down your neck to get your attention. I had to get really wasted
in order to handle them and then that usually just led to me waking up next to
a stranger naked. “I don’t know I just think I should set this one out…I don’t
know how well it would work for me to be known as the campus slut after the
first night.” I continued staring out the window as we drove. “Lexi this is a
new start…I told you that I am not going to let you do that anymore. I will
stay right by you and I promise if I have to tie our feet together to keep you
from repeating the past…I will.” I took a deep breath, “I’ll think about it.”

We stopped along the way to get gas and something quick
to eat. We actually made it in really good time. Megan called Radley to let him
know when we were about twenty minutes away so he could meet us and help unload
everything. When we parked and he started walking toward her car I knew I was
going to have to turn my head. It had been three weeks since they had seen each
other and they were never shy with their affection. I grabbed my three smaller
bags and walked off toward the dorm hollering over my shoulder, “Later porn
star...I’m going to find our room.”

Three floors up and yes I took the stairs. I could not
handle being in the elevator right now with all those people so close. I had
one focus...find my room and shut myself in it. Room 305…finally, when I
pushed open the door I found the welcome envelope the advisor had left with the
two keys and the form we needed to return to him with our signatures on the
rules and regulations.

The room was definitely small and basic. Two
beds…two dresser desk combo units and one big closet. There was room for a few
other things Megan’s dad is a resourceful man and he was able to land us a mini
fridge and microwave real cheap because they were slightly damaged in shipment.

The door flew open and I turned as Megan squealed, “This
is so exciting…I can’t believe we are here and we lived on our own…no parents
and no rules.” She was entirely too perky but she could always make me laugh.
Radley helped get everything unloaded and brought up to our room before he took
off to get back to his frat house and get things ready for the party tonight.

Two

(Kole)

Another year and it is time for the parties to begin and
the girls…all the girls. College was the biggest fucking orgy. I was ready for
this year it was going to be the best one yet and I was planning on enjoying
every second.

I had one problem I knew I was going to have to set Hope
straight she was really starting to get on my last fucking nerve. We were not a
couple and never have been she knew that from the start. She was just an easy
piece and if nothing else panned out well I knew she was a guaranteed
lay…that’s it. I don’t do the girlfriend thing. I do not want some clingy ass
girl telling me what I can’t do...I don’t do rules at least any that some girl
tries to lay out for me. I do what I want when I want with whoever I want. I
don’t do jealousy and commitment. I like my freedom.

The Fraternity was the best place to find willing girls
and I never even had to look. I could just sit back and scan the room…

“Hi Kole, come and dance with me…please,” I can’t
believe I ever thought this girl was hot. I guess when your drunk and horny…any
willing girl would look good. Ashley was a one night thing and that was it…so
why was she bothering me now? I stood up from the bar stool, “Ashley I don’t
dance…at least not with my clothes on,” I winked at her and walked away. I knew
it was time to get loaded.

Three

(Lexi)

The music was rolling out of the windows and people were
everywhere. Why did I let her convince me of this? I regretted it the minute
the house came into view. “Come one Lex, I told you I am not leaving your side.
It’ll be fine.” She gripped my hand tightly as she led me in the front door.
The music was so loud and the place was crazy. Girls were dancing around the
room as the guys were ogling them. Everyone was tightly pushed together
grinding and moving with the music. “I need a drink Meg…now,” I made my way
over to the keg. As promised she was right behind me. I chugged it quickly and
then refilled my cup.

Radley had found us grabbing Megan’s hand he led us into
a large room which appeared to be a game room with a pool table and darts. I
looked around realizing there were more half naked girls in this room than the
other. I heard someone yell out ‘Whoo!’ startling me. I turned to see where it
came from seeing a back view of the guy but damn it was a good view. He was
tall with broad shoulders and muscular arms. He had a tattoo that stretched
across his upper back onto his shoulder blades and down onto each arm…very
impressive arms I must say. The girls were swarming him and flipping their hair
in an attempt to get his attention. I wasn’t sure why he was shirtless but once
he turned and I saw how wet his chest was I realized he was chugging a beer in
competition with another guy and his shirt was soaked as he held it in his
hand. The tattoo that ran across his back extended just slightly around
onto his upper shoulders and down onto his collarbone. His chest was built and
rippled into impressive abs. There was evidence of a second tattoo peeking out
just above the waistband of his jeans that hung low on his waist.

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