Dear Emily (Forever Family) (14 page)

A hostess steps in front of me and says, “Can I help you?”

“Yes, please. I’m meeting someone here for dinner. He’s in the band playing tonight. Maybe I’ll just take a seat and wait for him.”

“Sure. How many people are you expecting? “

I shrug my shoulders, “I’m not sure. Maybe the whole band?”

“Follow me. I have the perfect booth for you.” She leads me to a semi-circular booth that could easily fit up to six people.

“Thanks,” I say as I slide in toward the center of the booth.

“Your waitress will be right over to take your drink order. I believe the band is in the back right now. I’ll let them know you’re here.” She winks and skips away.

I try to relax as I look around the bar. Since it’s only seven-thirty, it’s fairly empty. A few families are scattered at various tables enjoying their dinner. There are four men sitting at the bar and from the looks of them, they’ve been there a while. One of them actually appears to be asleep on top of his folded arms.

I chuckle quietly to myself and shake my head a bit.

“Something funny?” I hear Alex ask. I didn’t even see him walk over.

I turn my head quickly to look at him.

“I’m just people watching. I’m a bit amused by the sleeping man at the bar.” I nod towards the bar and Alex turns to observe.

“Lenny is here every day at four o’clock. He spends at least half of his paycheck before he takes his daily nap. He’s a great guy, but clearly is on a toddler’s sleeping schedule.” He laughs heartily and I join him.

He slides into the booth next to me, leaving much of the seat open on his left.

“Did you order anything yet?” he asks.

“Nope, I was waiting for you. And I’m actually on time!” I’m so proud of myself.

“I noticed.”

Our waitress is now standing in front of us.

“What can I get you both to drink?” She pauses and then focuses her attention on Alex. “Hi, Alex,” she says quietly and I swear she batted her eyelashes.

“We’ll both have ice water please. Can we also have some popcorn?”

“Sure.” She smiles and slinks away.

“So, Tabs, how was your day?” he asks in a chipper voice.

“Well, I worked at the diner today, so it was about the same as every other day I work at the diner,” I state vaguely. I smile at him as he slides closer to me and laughs a little.

I can feel his chuckle in my soul. He looks at me and continues to smile. He seems so much more relaxed today. Maybe he is happy with our decision to walk down the ‘friends only’ path.

“You need to spice up your life a little bit Tabby.” He’s so right and I don’t even know how I would go about doing that.

I notice several guys walking toward our booth. They all have varying degrees of smirks on their faces and I can only assume that this is the rest of the band. Oh, shit. I’m not ready for this. I’m not yet comfortable with Alex and now three more are about to invade my space.

Two of them slide into the booth to my right and one slides in next to Alex. I’m pinned in the back center of the booth and I begin to feel my panic rise. I’m already planning my escape route and that’s a bit hard to do when I’m completely closed in. I can feel sweat drip down the back of my neck as my anxiety increases.

Alex can sense a change in my demeanor and he softly places his hand on top of my thigh. He does this to try to calm me down and soothe me. He slowly moves his hand in a circular motion above my kneecap. I start to relax a little bit and at the same time, I feel a tingling sensation travel from my thigh to my core.

“Hey guys,” Alex speaks quietly. I think he realizes that I’m feeling over-stimulated and he’s trying to keep the introductions quiet and low-key.

“This is Tabitha. But you can call her Tabby. And only I can call her Tabs.” His introduction is short and sweet and I find it odd that he claimed a nickname just for him. I tense again at this thought. I don’t want him to have any control over me, much less my name. He can feel me tense and his hand gently squeezes my thigh now as his thumb makes circles just above my knee. This action is making me squirm. I’m not used to someone touching me so tenderly.

“Hi Tabby!” the guy next to Alex says.

“Tabitha,” says the guy on the end.

“Tabs,” says the guy sitting directly on my right. As he calls me by the name that Alex claimed, he rubs his leg up against my right knee. I’m sure this is incidental contact, but this action causes me to move closer to Alex as I move my leg away from his.

Alex begins the formal introductions. “This is Dax.” He gestures to his left. “Tristan is on the end.” He bobs his head toward the end of the booth. “And Garrett is next to you.” He tenses up as he concludes Garrett’s introduction as if he knows he brushed up against me under the table. I’m suddenly startled by his possessiveness.

He turns fully toward Garrett and says, “Dude, I told you her name was Tabitha, Tabby for short. Got it?” Whoa. What the heck?

Garrett seems amused and looks like he is about to say something, but slowly moves away from me and picks up his menu.

Our waitress is back with our ice water and popcorn. She motions to the rest of the guys. “Welcome, gentleman,” she says smiling. “What are you drinking this evening?”

The rest of the boys order two pitchers of beer and request frosty mugs. Then they proceed to order every greasy appetizer on the menu.

She leaves to fill the order and an awkward silence hovers over the table.

“So, Alex told me how you all met. That’s great!” I fumble for some sort of conversation starter. I’m stuck between these guys; I might as well make it interesting.

Dax turns, looks at me, and smiles tightly, “Well, Alex told us nothing about you, Tabby. So why don’t you fill us in? Where did you come from and what have you done to make Alex so possessive of you already?”

Whoa. Nothing like jumping right in!

I stutter a little bit, “Well, I … I’m originally from Philadelphia. I spent a few years out west and made my way back here just recently. Nothing much to tell to be honest.” I am already feeling a cold vibe from Dax. There is no way I’m going to open up and share anything about myself.

“Short and sweet,” he replies. He still has a bit of a smirk on his face and his eyes lock on mine as if he is trying to read me or catch me in a lie. He’s clearly protective of Alex and wants to make sure that I know he’s got his eye on me.

I shift in my seat and accidently brush up against Garrett’s leg. He inhales deeply and chuckles a little bit.

“No need to make the chick uncomfortable, Dax. Everyone knows that you have Alex’s back and will pretty much squash anything or anyone that hurts him.
Right?”
Garrett turns toward me as he says this.

Holy hell! What is up with these guys? I don’t know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn’t expecting this kind of treatment.

Tristan is scanning the bar area and quickly jumps up. “I’ll be right back; I need to say hi to someone.” With that, he takes off toward a redhead sitting at the corner of the bar. Clearly, his priorities are in order. At least he didn’t waste any time taking jabs at me to make me feel more uncomfortable than I already do.

Alex is remaining oddly quiet during this ‘interrogation’. Why isn’t he speaking up to come to my aid?

“Guys, I have no intention of hurting anyone. I’m Alex’s
friend
. Nothing more.” I look over to Alex who is looking down at the table.

The waitress arrives with several frosty mugs and a couple of pitchers of beer. “Your appetizers are on the way. Cheers!” She turns on her heel and walks away.

Garrett begins to fill up everyone’s mugs. “Tabitha, beer?”

“No thank you,” I reply. “I’m good with my water.”

He pushes a full mug toward Alex. Alex puts his hand up abruptly to stop him. “Garrett, you know that I don’t drink.”

“Dude, she didn’t even card us. Take advantage!” Garrett is smiling as he tries to convince Alex to drink.

“No. Thank. You,” Alex says forcefully.

“Suit yourself. More for us,” Garrett says as he raises his mug to clink with Dax’s.

I wonder how Alex is even friends with these guys. They don’t treat each other with respect. Hell, they don’t even seem to like each other. Yet they are in a band and spend almost all of their free time together. I don’t get it.

I’m so nervous that I’m picking apart a cocktail napkin, tearing pieces off and making little balls in front of me.

Tristan slides back into the booth next to Garrett and grabs his mug full of beer.

“To new
friends
,” he says as he winks at me. “Cheers!”

I raise my ice water and nod my head toward the group.

“Thank you,” I say. “Cheers.”

Alex remains silent through this entire discussion.

I feel his hand on my thigh again just above my knee. He starts softly rubbing my kneecap and he leans into me so his mouth is pressed into my hair against my ear.

“Tabitha, I’m so sorry,” he whispers as his warm breath lingers on my neck. “I’m sorry.” This gives me the chills and I shiver. I’m sure he noticed and now I’m embarrassed by my reaction. I just can’t help it. I have a physical reaction to his presence. I’m starting to burn all over and I just can’t yet tell if I like it.

I don’t want to pull away, but I have to. We don’t need to get any more grief from the guys. I can’t endure this discomfort any longer. I need to get up but I’m trapped.

I lean back into the booth so that Alex’s mouth is no longer dangerously close to my ear, turn to look at him and smile. I mouth the words, “It’s OK.” But really, it’s not. I don’t like being made to feel like I’m such a virus. I already hate myself, and what I’ve become. The icy reception I’m getting from these guys is just adding to my issues and I just can’t take this anymore.

“Excuse me,” I quietly say. “I need to use the restroom.” Dax smirks at me, slides out of the booth, and Alex slowly follows him. I now have my escape route.

I scoot out of the booth and start walking toward the bathrooms. Dax grabs my arm and pulls me close to him so he can speak into my ear. I tighten up and try to pull away. “Don’t hurt him, Tabitha,” he says and quickly lets go of my arm. Shit, that’s going to leave a bruise.

I’m flustered as I practically run into the bathroom.

I lock myself in a stall, sit down on the closed seat, and put my head into my hands. This is too much. Is Alex even worth all of this grief that I’m getting from his friends? I have to get out of here. Run. Again.

I spend about ten minutes trying to calm down. I step out of the stall, wash my hands, and splash some cold water on my face. I look into the mirror at my pathetic face. “You are such a coward,” I say to my reflection.

I open the door and walk out, right into Alex.

“Whoa!” I say. “What are you doing back here?”

He reaches out, grabs my hand softly, and leads me into an empty room. This must be the lounge where the band hangs out while waiting to perform.

As the door shuts, he turns me around so that my back is pressing against it. He places his hands on either side of my head and leans in close, our lips barely touching. He’s staring into my eyes, almost burning holes through my head. I inhale deeply and he slams his lips into mine. His kiss is rough and hungry. His tongue immediately parts my lips and assaults my mouth, intertwining with mine. I tense up and try to pull away. I can’t catch my breath and begin to panic.

He pulls back and looks into my eyes again. “Tabitha,” he says softly and licks his lips. He then bites down on his lower lip as he continues to stare. “Please tell me that I didn’t just go out of bounds with that.” He looks worried.

I’m still stunned silent. I wish that we could start over, where I’m more receptive and more of a willing participant. Don’t get me wrong; I wanted him to kiss me. I’ve wanted that since the first time I saw him in the bookstore making ‘music’ with the bookmarks. But I can’t stop thinking about Tony, or what he would do to me if he witnessed this. What he would do to Alex. I panic even more and I start hyperventilating. I clutch at my chest. God! It feels like an elephant is sitting on me now. I haven’t had a panic attack in a while. Alex backs up clearly confused by my reaction. The look on his face changes to concern and as I’m gasping for breath, he starts to panic as well.

“Tabby, stay with me!” I’m choking, coughing, and gasping for air. I lean back into the door. My heart is racing and my chest is now burning. My vision gets blurry, I start to slide down the wall, and my ass hits the floor hard. Tunnel vision takes over and I can barely see Alex.

Or anything.

I slip into blackness.

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Past

Age 18

Let the
interrogations begin! After I see Kyle out, I go back into my room to face my curious friends. I walk back in and face the three of them glaring at me accusingly.

“What?” I ask casually.

“What do you mean what?” Manny demands.

I don’t want to talk about what happened with Kyle tonight. What
did
happen?

Callie looks at me sternly, “Car, seriously. Why was he in your bed? Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Are you even
ready
for anything serious?”

I don’t want to be read the riot act, but it looks like I’m well on my way.

I pick up the gallon-sized bottle of wine, screw off the cap and lift it to my lips. I’m not above chugging this God-awful shit. And that’s what I do. Chug. This is not an easy feat as wine is spilling out of my mouth, dribbling down my chin. I must look ridiculous!

Becca approaches me and takes the jug from my hands. I use the back of my sleeve to wipe the wine drizzle from my lips and face. I’m a mess.

“Carly, what is going on? Please talk to us,” she says.

Manny grabs the jug from Becca and begins to chug some himself. I laugh at this gesture as he shoves it into Callie’s face. “Bang it!” He yells his term for chugging.

Callie doesn’t have time to think as Manny forces her to chug as we both did. So she ‘banged’ it.

Yes, we certainly are freshman. After several rounds of this, half of the jug is gone. Holy hell!

For some reason, the chugging ritual relaxes me. Or maybe it’s the wine. Yeah, I’m pretty buzzed.

“OK guys.” I slur a little. “I get that you are concerned. But seriously, nothing happened with him! We had been studying all day together. I got super tired. Shit I was up at the crack of dawn doing our laundry. I fell asleep and he decided that I looked too comfortable so he joined me. That’s it! I had a bad dream; he tried to calm me down. Then you guys showed up. End. Of. Story.” I hope that explanation makes them happy because I’m certainly not going to get into all of my feelings of panic and relief when he cradled me in his arms. God he felt so good.

I gaze out into my room as my cheeks begin to flush. I’m pretty drunk. I hiccup and laugh a little.

“Really, Carly. You both looked so hot and bothered when we arrived. What do you have to say about that?” Manny’s finger is in my face practically poking out one of my eyes. I wrap my arms around him, rest my head against his chest, squeeze tight and he returns the gesture.

I take a few deep breaths and look up into his eyes. “Manny, honey, I’m fine. He just made me feel good. That’s it. He has a girlfriend. It meant nothing.”

He rests his chin on the top of my head and huffs.

“Carly, what are we going to with you? Wait, you did his laundry?” he asks incredulously.

I pull away from Manny and flop back onto my bed. Now I’m feeling super woozy. Damn this wine!

Becca scoots over next to me and grabs my hand. “Carly, we don’t want you to get hurt. Please don’t let him use you. Especially not to do laundry!” She giggles a little.

“No! It’s not like that either, Bec!” I try to defend my situation. “I did his laundry as payment for keeping my secret from Professor Martin. I may have told a little white lie about the reasons why I was missing her classes.”

“Carly!” Callie chimes in, scolding me.

“I told her that I had the chicken pox.” I hiccup again. This confession is not going well. “Kyle kept my secret and tutored me on my missed lectures. Now we’re even.” I look up, very pleased with myself, and the deal that I made. I cross my arms over my chest.

Manny starts laughing loudly and eventually we all join in. Callie grabs the jug and hands it to Becca, “Bang it!” She demands. So Becca does as she is told.

“So enough about me! What the hell is going on with all of you?” I point at each of them sweeping my finger through the air.

“Becca hooked up with that soccer player!” Callie exclaims. Becca swats at her arm. “Callie!” Becca yells.

“Oh Becca, don’t even try to deny it! He is so hot! Spill it!” Callie is demanding answers from Becca.

“It was nothing, guys. We kissed after the Delta Phi mixer. Just kissed. He’s really sweet. I certainly don’t want to rush into anything, so it was perfect.” She gazes past us and her smile is huge. She starts to blush.

“So it’s OK for Becca to say ‘it’s nothing’? When I said it, you all jumped down my throat!” I accuse the group of not treating our declarations equally.

Callie answers, “Carly, clearly you need to take it slower. You still need to heal. That’s all; we just worry about you more.”

Becca chimes in, happy to divert the attention back to me, “Yes, Carly! We just want to be sure that you don’t get in over your head with Kyle. You don’t deserve the heartache, honey.”

Manny hands me the jug, “Bang it!” I’m glad to continue to drink and not discuss this matter any further. So I do. Bang it!

A half-hour later, the jug is empty and I’m curled up on my bed next to Manny. The room is spinning and I plant my foot against the concrete wall to make it stop. Callie and Becca are down by our feet leaning against a bunch of pillows. Becca is sound asleep and snoring softly.

“Carly, we only want to keep you safe,” Callie slurs. “Safe from douchy-douche guys.” She sounds profound in this declaration. “You know?” she finishes.

“Yes, I know.” My eyes begin to close. “No douchy-douche guys for me.”

I squeeze Manny and rest my head on his chest.

“I love you guys,” I say though a huge drunken grin. I yawn and press my foot into the wall harder. The room is still spinning, but not as bad.

“I love you guys too,” Callie says.

Becca sighs deeply and mumbles something as she drools into the pillow.

“Bitch, if you puke on me, I’m going to throttle you!” Manny says to me as he hugs me tighter.

Ah! The love!

“I love you guys and Wine Wednesdays,” I slur as I drift off to sleep.

I really do.

I. Love. Them.