Dear Emily (Forever Family) (17 page)

I squeeze his hand tightly as I follow him through the club.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have hope.

Hope that the crushing pain that I feel in my chest everyday will begin to fade.

My youth is gone.

My innocence is gone.

My baby, Sara, is gone.

But, Alex is here.

I have hope.

Spring Lake, New Jersey

Present

Age 29

Dear Emily,

Your room is now completely ready for you. I’m sitting in the comfy rocking chair looking out your window peering into the backyard where your swing set, sandbox, and princess castle will be.

I imagine you playing with your future girlfriends, frolicking in pink dresses and tutus. I also imagine your Daddy outside playing with you wearing the princess crown that you give to him. He’s laughing and twirling you around while the pink boa decorating your princess ensemble trails behind you.

Your giggles are making my heart race with excitement. This is your future, Emily.

This is our future.

We will be a ‘Forever Family’.

My heart is bursting with Love,

Momma & Daddy

I close my journal as I stand up from the chair in Emily’s room. I walk over to her dresser and place the journal in the top drawer next to the little booties and socks that I purchased last week. I smile as I run my fingers over the frilly pieces of infant clothes. She will be here. Soon.

It’s well after one in the morning as I make my way back to our bedroom. Kyle is sound asleep, passed out actually. He drank more wine than all of us combined during this edition of Wine Wednesday. I laugh quietly and hope that I don’t wake up the others. Callie and Becca are sharing our guest bedroom while Manny stayed downstairs on the couch to sleep.

It felt wonderful to kick back with my best friends tonight. We all had the chance to blow off some steam and just relax.

I’m so excited for Emily to become part of our extended family. Callie, Becca, and Manny are going to be such great influences on her life. She is going to love them as much as she will her other aunts and uncles.

I slide into bed next to Kyle wishing we didn’t have a house full of guests and he wasn’t passed out. It would be nice to be intimate with him tonight.

I cuddle into his side, nuzzling my chin into his neck. I place a soft kiss there and he pulls me close.

“I love you Carly,” he whispers. He turns us so we are spooning and he wraps his arm tightly around my waist. “God, I love you.”

I smile and sigh. “I love you, too, Kyle. With all that I am.” I lightly touch his arm.

“Goodnight.”

He squeezes me tighter and places his lips on my ear.

“Goodnight, Carly.”

He places a small kiss where his lips were and I drift off into dreamland.

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Past

Age 18

I’m being
released from the hospital today and I don’t want to go. That’s weird, I know, but if I leave here that means I have to go home for Christmas. And this year, I’m not so excited about it. With everything that has happened to me over the past few months, I just can’t see myself enjoying the usual Sloan family holiday activities.

“Hey,” Kyle says as he walks into my hospital room.

I look up and smile softly. “Hi Kyle.”

Kyle has spent the last few days with me. He’s kept me company, helped communicate with my professors and plays a great game of Scrabble. Although I missed my Sociology final exam, Kyle was able to get the professor to excuse my absence and I still earned an ‘A’ in the class. She was more than understanding of my situation and used all of my prior assignments and tests as a basis for my final grade. For that, I’m so thankful.

The nurses look the other way when visiting hours end and he sleeps in the chair in my room every single night. He refuses to leave me alone. We haven’t talked about what happened to me and he doesn’t want to pry. His presence has been calming and I’m able to sleep at night knowing that he’s here.

“Are you about ready to go? I saw your parents out by the nurses’ station taking care of your discharge paperwork.”

I shrug. “I guess I’m ready.”

“What’s wrong, Carly?”

I look down at my hands as I rub them along my legs. “I don’t want to go home.”

He sits at the end of my bed and places his hand on my ankle. His touch is soft and so comforting.

“I’m sorry Carly.” He softly traces my ankle with his thumb as he continues. “I wish I could take away all of your pain. Tell me what I can do.”

I look up and meet his gaze. I see the pain and worry in his eyes, and immediately feel terrible that I’m causing him to feel this way.

“Kyle, you being here with me over the past four days is above and beyond what I could ask for. You’ve made me feel safe for the first time in months since… since Halloween.” I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since Todd first raped me. God I wish I would have done something. Said something. I wouldn’t be in this hospital room recovering from another attack.

I close my eyes and shiver as Kyle softly rubs my leg.

Todd regained consciousness three days ago, was promptly arrested, and is currently in jail and being held without bail. Detective Patricia Meyers has been to see me several times since and I’ve given a full statement of both attacks. Kyle stayed with me and quietly listened each and every time I told my story. As hard as it’s been to recount my ordeal, it’s been equally as hard watching his reaction. I feel terrible that he has been re-living my rape and attack. It’s not fair that someone else should continue to live through the pain and anguish that I’m feeling.

Detective Meyers told me this morning that the prosecutor of the case believes this is going to be one of the easiest convictions she’s ever worked on. In addition to my testimony and physical evidence from my brutal attack, several other victims have stepped forward. While my attack was the most violent, three of the other girls were also brutally raped. It seemed that his attacks continued to escalate in severity. I blame myself. I should have reported him after the Halloween party. If I did, others wouldn’t have fallen prey to his demented attacks. I’m crushed with guilt over this and I don’t know what to do about it.

Kyle’s soft voice brings me back to reality. “Carly, you’re going to be OK.”

I choke on a light sob. “Am I? I just don’t know Kyle.” I slowly shake my head as a tear rolls down my cheek.

He gets up, moves closer, and I recoil slightly as he lightly touches my cheek. “You are Carly. I just know it.” He wipes the lone tear from my cheek and tilts my chin so I’m looking into his eyes. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hey guys!” My sister Lyn prances into the room. She’s always so bubbly and positive even when something unimaginable happens. “Are you ready to leave?”

Kyle’s hand drops from my cheek to my shoulder and he lightly squeezes.

I look up and see Lyn’s warm smile. “I guess so.”

My parents enter the room next. “Carly, you’re all set to leave,” my mother says. Even though they’ve spent many hours in this room with Kyle and me, my father still looks uncomfortable with him. He frowns when he sees that Kyle is touching my shoulder and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Hi Mom, Dad,” I say softly. “I’m ready.”

I swing my legs over the side of the bed as Kyle bends down to get my flip-flops. A pain shoots across my abdomen and I wince.

“Carly, it’s December. Can’t you put socks and shoes on?” my mother asks.

“Mom, will you leave her alone? Do you remember last year when it snowed on Christmas and she went outside to help shovel in those?” Lyn chuckles.

Kyle helps me stand and places his hand on my lower back. His touch is so soothing that I just want to lean into him and let him cradle me in his arms.

My father huffs, grabs my bags, and walks out of the room.

Lyn smiles and says, “Kyle, don’t take it personally. Our father isn’t dealing with Carly’s situation very well. Right now he doesn’t want men around any of his daughters.”

“It’s OK. I totally get it,” Kyle states.

My nurse, Lauren, enters the room. “Carly, it looks like you are all set.” She smiles warmly and continues. “Your parents have all of your discharge instructions. Please make sure you follow up with your family doctor to have your stitches removed in ten days. In addition, we’ve provided you with names of several therapists. Contact one of them when you’re ready. OK?”

Of course, I know I need to talk to someone who can help me sort out my feelings over my ordeal. Kyle actually took the initiative and already made an appointment for me with Dr. James during the week that I return from winter break.

“Thanks Lauren. I actually already have that taken care of.” I look at Kyle and smile softly.

“OK, good. Please take care of yourself, Carly.” She turns and leaves the room.

“Ready?” Lyn asks.

I look around the hospital room and then at Kyle. He smiles at me as he takes my hand.

“Yes,” I say as I let him lead me out of the room.

A pit forms in my stomach as I realize that I’m heading home where Christmas has surely exploded all over my house.

It’s supposed to be a happy and joyous time of year.

But I don’t feel festive.

I feel empty.

Guilty.

Regretful.

Ashamed.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Past

Age 21

I’m sitting
at the counter in the diner while on my break, scarfing down a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich.

“Hey Tabby.” Seth’s familiar voice is behind me.

Chewing my food, I stand up and throw my arms around him. “Hey Seth!” I’m able to say as I swallow the last bite. He gives me a kiss on my cheek and sits on the stool next to me.

“What time are you off work today? We’re still on for the zoo today, right? Remember you promised.” His smile is huge as he pokes my shoulder gently.

Over the past year and a half, Seth has become one of my best friends. I feel so accomplished to actually have friends. Seth and Kirsten provide me with such support and for the first time I value others. I smile as I remember his persistence that day last year when he came to visit me in the bookstore for the first time.

I’m flipping through a magazine while sitting on the leather couch with my feet planted on the coffee table in front of me. I’m so bored today! I’ve unpacked all of the boxes that were delivered this morning, dusted the bookshelves, and even re-arranged the bookmarks. I stretch and yawn as the door chimes jingle and am surprised to see Seth walk in.

He smiles softly as he walks toward me. “Hi Tabby.” His teeth are so white I swear I can see my reflection in them. “I hope I didn’t wake you,” he chuckles.

“Oh hey, Seth. And no, you didn’t wake me. I’m just catching up on the latest ‘Brangalina’ gossip.” I look away embarrassed that I’m even reading this drab.

“So this is your bookstore?” Seth looks around.

“Well, not my bookstore. I don’t own it. But yes, this is where I spend the other half of my time, working.”

“It’s quaint,” he says. “And I like the way it smells. Like crisp, new books.” He likes the way it smells? Who is this guy? I’m amazed that I’ve finally met someone who can appreciate the smell of books. It’s an odd trait to come by.

“I love the smell of books, especially when I first open a delivery. I can stand here and smell new books for hours.” I giggle a little. Yes me, I’m giggling.

“I’ll make sure to tell you the next time a shipment comes in!”

“I’d love that Tabby,” Seth says. “Thanks for inviting me to visit your other place of work. I’ve been looking forward to it since the other day. And I’ve been looking forward to making a new friend. We can learn the ins and outs of Philly together.”

He sits down on the couch next to me and places his hand on my knee. I flinch a little but I’m surprisingly not uncomfortable by his touch. I shimmy my knee from under his hand and scoot to the side of the couch.

“I’m not usually one to make new friends, but I guess it can’t hurt to try, right?” I ask.

“Excellent!” Seth exclaims. “I’m so excited. Our first order of business is to enjoy ourselves. What time do you get off of work?”

Wow! He’s jumping right into this friend thing.

“Kirsten should be here in about an hour.” I’m not sure when I’m going to see Alex again. When he took me home the other night, we just left it open when we’d see each other. He placed a chaste kiss on my lips and left without saying another word. I wonder if he’s second-guessing wanting to be with me. My panic attack at the club may have caused him to take a pause on where he wants to take things.

I shake my head thinking that I shouldn’t be worrying about when I’m going to see Alex again. I am here with Seth and he’s my new friend. Alex shouldn’t matter or weigh into how I proceed. I’ve just never been in the driver’s seat in any relationship before. I’ve always been controlled, contained, and restricted. This actually feels good.

“Let’s go do the Philly tourist thing. I want to see the Liberty Bell and go to Penn’s Landing. Are you up for that?”

“Sounds great!” I’m actually excited about this. I’ve been here for a little over two months and I haven’t ventured away from this area. While I grew up in Philadelphia, I never got to see much of the city when I was younger.

“If we have time, let’s go to The Franklin Institute!” I say enthusiastically.

I’m so happy to finally experience what makes this city so unique and I’m happy to be doing this with my new friend Seth.

“Hey! Snap out of it Tabby!” Seth shakes my shoulders gently. “Are you here, with me?”

“Oh! Sorry, I was just remembering the first time we did geeky tourist stuff together. You know, Liberty Bell, Penn’s Landing, and The Franklin Institute. I can’t believe over a year has passed since we first became friends, Seth.” I smile, grab his hand, and squeeze.

“You know I think about that day often, Tabby. And today is the zoo! Let’s get excited! We have lots to see!” He’s bubbling with excitement and it’s spilling over to me.

He pulls me into an embrace practically lifting me off of the floor and kisses the top of my head. I hear someone come into the diner and feel Seth’s arms around me stiffen.

“What the fuck are you doing with my girl, Tyson?”

Alex.

He despises Seth. He refuses to call him by his first name.

Seth lets me go and I turn to face my boyfriend.

“Hey Alex.” I smile and lean in to kiss him lightly on the lips.

“We’re getting ready to go to the zoo. I’m off work in about fifteen minutes.”

I can see Alex’s irritation grow as he looks back and forth between Seth and me.

“Did you forget Tabs? We have plans tonight. Me and you.”

Dammit!

I did forget.

We’re supposed to be going to see a couple of bands play at the High Note. Epic Fail is touring soon and they’re auditioning opening acts to join them on the road. He really wanted me to be there so I could be a part of the decision.

“Oh. Sorry, Alex. I forgot.”

I turn toward Seth. “Seth, I’m sooo sorry! I had this planned with Alex. I must have gotten my days screwed up. I’m so sorry! Can we do this next week? I’m free on Tuesday after my shift here.”

Seth reaches out and grabs my hand. I see Alex flinch out of the corner of my eye.

“It’s OK, Tabs,” Seth says, using the nickname that Alex owns. He’s now just doing things to get Alex even more agitated.

“Next Tuesday it is. I’ll pick you up here when you’re done with work.” He leans in, kisses me on the cheek, and walks past Alex. I notice the intense stare between them.

“What the fuck, Tabs?” Alex is very distressed and I need to calm him down, fast.

I quickly throw my arms around his neck and press our lips together. “Alex, I don’t know why you get so bothered when Seth is around.” I kiss him again and lean back to look into his eyes.

“Tabs, in case you haven’t noticed, Seth has been trying to get into your pants for over a year. I can’t believe it’s not at all obvious to you. Hmph.” Alex’s irritation is growing.

“Alex, I love YOU. Only you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. You should know by now that it’s just you, Alex and me. Seth is my friend. That is all. Period.

I love you with my everything. You own me, Alex. I’m only yours. Do you understand?”

“Tabs, I know you love me. And you know that I love you so fucking much. It just bothers me how much time Seth spends with you when I can’t. I’m getting stressed about going on the road and being away from you for several months. I just don’t want to lose what we have. It’s too perfect. And I don’t want Seth to feel like the door is open after I leave. He’s just waiting to pounce, I can feel it.”

“Alex…”

“What do you want me to do, Tabs? I don’t know how to deal with this. Do you want me to just look the other way every time he looks at you? I know he wants you. I just can’t help how I feel.”

He’s so insecure about us; I just don’t know how to make it better. He’s the one that is leaving! I should be the one fretting day and night about groupies, booze, and the band. For once in my life, I feel secure in a relationship and he’s stressing out about my friend. God!

“Alex, let’s drop this please. You’re being ridiculous. We need to get to the High Note and we need to find your opening band.” I squeeze his hand and pull him out the door.

He pulls me against his body and drops his lips onto mine, kissing me fiercely. I barely have time to react, but the familiar warmth of his touch begins to spread throughout my body. I part my lips and kiss him back.

“I just don’t know what to say. I can’t stand the thought of not being around you.” He moves his lips across my cheek, over to that spot behind my ear that sends shockwaves to my core. “I love you Tabs,” he whispers in my ear as he takes my lobe gently between his teeth.

I whimper and say, “Alex, if you keep that up we’ll never make it to the club!” I don’t want him to stop but we’re in the middle of a busy sidewalk.

He nips my earlobe again and his lips softly trail down my neck. He pulls away and smiles at me. “I’m sorry. I’ll figure out how to keep my jealousy and worry at bay. I promise.” He leans back in and kisses me quickly before taking my hand leading me toward The High Note.

He puts his arm around my shoulders and tucks me into his side as we walk. He makes me feel protected and safe. I love him with all that I am.

And suddenly I’m afraid that it’s all going to come crashing to an end.