Dear Emily (Forever Family) (16 page)

“No.”

I don’t know why that’s important because he has already done so much physical damage to me. But I’m almost relieved. He didn’t get the chance to rape me again and that is all that seems to matter.

“Carly, is there anyone else we can call? The campus police have contacted your parents and they are on the way.”

Oh God! My parents. What am I going to say to them? How am I going to explain what happened to me? Twice?

“No. That’s OK. What happened to Todd?” I need to know.

“Your friend out there roughed him up pretty badly. He beat him senseless actually. Mr. Mitchell should regain consciousness, and when he does, he’ll find himself handcuffed to a hospital bed and a police officer outside his door. Mr. Finnegan has already given a detailed statement to both the campus and local police. This should be an open and shut case, Carly. They will just need your statement.”

“Fine. I’ll tell them everything.” And I will. I plan to. I need to put this behind me.

Kyle peeks his head in the door. “Can I come back in?”

The doctor stands to leave; she touches my hand softly and says, “Carly, you’re a survivor. You’re very lucky. Make it count and put him away for a long time.”

She leaves the room and Kyle is back at my side.

“Kyle, I don’t know what to say.”

He takes my hand and squeezes, “Nothing. Say nothing. Just get better. Please.” His eyes are glassy as he pleads with me then he lowers his head.

I hold his hand tightly and say, “I promise.”

I hear commotion in the hallway as Becca, Callie, and Manny storm into the room.

A collective gasp sounds and they rush to the sides of my bed. None of them pushes Kyle out of the way and they don’t seem surprised that he’s holding my hand.

“That fucking asshole,” Manny states coldly as he takes my free hand in his. He looks up and makes eye contact with Kyle, “Please tell me you fucked him up so bad he will never be able to do this to anyone ever again!?”

“Yes, he’s incapacitated. If I had seen the knife that he used on Carly, he also would be castrated. I guess he’s lucky that way.” Kyle shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head.

“Carly, the police are all over this place! Apparently, they are waiting for Todd to regain consciousness so they can arrest him and throw the book at him!” Becca exclaims.

“How are you, honey?” Callie asks quietly.

“Oh, you know, I’ve been better,” I state and look at Callie. “It’s over.”

She nods and squeezes my ankle.

I hear both of my sisters’ as they loudly approach and I see my parents walk into the room.

My family is here. All of them.

My parents, sisters, and brother.

Callie, Becca, and Manny.

And Kyle.

My entire family.

I close my eyes and try to feel safe again.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Past

Age 19

I feel
warmth and a soft touch on my ankle. I slowly wake up and realize that I’m in the back room of the bar, alone with Alex.

I open my eyes and see him sitting at my feet. He looks at me and he is wearing so much pain on his face.

I’ve had about a dozen panic attacks over the past few years. The one that I had tonight was bad. Although I’ve come close, I’ve never actually passed out from one.

I’m embarrassed as I start to sit up and Alex quickly jumps to his feet.

“Whoa, Tabitha. Stay put. You fainted before and need to get up slowly.”

“I’m fine, Alex.” I sit up quickly and immediately get woozy.

“Well, maybe not so much.” I lean against the back of the couch and rest my head on the cushion. “Fuck,” I groan.

“What was that, Alex?” I ask, touching my lips as I remembering his crushing kiss. A kiss that I felt all over my body. A kiss that I now miss. What the hell?

Alex sighs, takes a deep breath, and looks at me.

“I think that was us crashing into each other and bursting into flames,” he says softly shaking his head.

“Oh,” I say. I feel tears form in my eyes and if I blink, they will spill down my cheeks. I inhale deeply trying to stop that from happening.

“I shouldn’t have done that, kissed you. You clearly panicked and tried to get away. I’m so sorry Tabs.”

He looks away from me and runs his hand along the arm of the couch. His fingers are barely touching the fabric and they look as if they’re ‘walking’. I wonder if he’s creating a soundtrack for this moment as his fingers continue to travel up and down.

“Alex, it’s not that I didn’t want you to, um, kiss me. It’s just that my past is so fucked up. I don’t know if I can do this with you. With anyone.” I look away and continue. “Timing is everything, right? Well, at this exact time, right now, I just can’t. I want to tell you why, but I’m afraid that you’ll run. I’m really messed up Alex. I’ve done some terrible things and allowed terrible things to happen to me. I’m damaged. Broken. Used.” My voice trails off and I close my eyes.

The tears that were on the brink finally spill down my cheeks.

“Tabby, nothing you can say will scare me away.” He lifts my chin up and wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. He’s cradling my face in his hands and staring into my eyes.

His gesture is so tender that it catches me off guard.

“I’ve been through my share of shit. Trust me,” he continues. “I’m not asking you to share with me now Tabs, but please consider talking to me soon. Whatever you are dealing with is clearly affecting you in ways you can’t even cope or process. For fucks sake, you fainted! You need to face head-on whatever is haunting you. Please.”

He slowly removes his hands from my face and backs away.

“I’ll go get you some water. Don’t go anywhere. Understand?”

“Yes,” I reply. I’m still too dizzy to stand up. I won’t be going anywhere yet.

He returns a few minutes later with two empty cups and a large pitcher of ice water. After filling our cups, he hands me one and sits down on the couch next to me.

I take a long, cool sip and lean into the back of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Alex asks.

“Better.”

“Has this ever happened to you before? Shit, Tabs, you scared the crap out of me!”

“Yes, I’m prone to panic attacks. I’ve been having them since Trina died when I was about seven. I don’t know what happened Alex. I guess I just kind-of freaked out.”

In all honesty, I have never been kissed like that. Tony was brutal, never tender. Alex was my first real kiss and I completely panicked.

“Hey, it’s OK. I just need to know what I did to trigger it. I’m so sorry.” He looks away, ashamed.

“Alex, I can’t even begin to tell you what brings it on. Certain situations, maybe? I just don’t know.” I lie. Tony was the last man I’d been with and well, that wasn’t so consensual. Hell, the last time a man had his hands on me like that, the fucker tried to kill me. So yeah, I lied.

“Tabitha, I’m sorry for whatever you went through. I think I understand though. I know I told you about my Pops and how he couldn’t cope with my Mom’s death. He used to take tons of shit out on me.” He lifts up his black t-shirt to reveal a long scar on his side. It’s somewhat camouflaged with a tattoo of a rope tied into a noose.

“Alex,” I whisper as I reach out to touch the scar. He flinches, sucks in a breath, but doesn’t back away. “What did he do?”

“This time? He didn’t enjoy the dinner I made for him that night. It happened when I was fourteen. He came home from work drunk off his ass, which was almost a daily occurrence. I made pancakes.” He huffs and continues. “He dragged me out of the kitchen into the garage and started kicking me around. I eventually landed on a metal rake that tore into my side.”

I gasp, drop my hand to his, and squeeze. Our fingers become entwined. We are somehow united through the abuse that we’ve both endured.

“Why the noose?” I ask hesitantly.

“It’s what Pops used to kill himself.”

Oh. My. God.

“Alex.” I start sobbing as I wrap my arms around his waist resting my cheek on his abdomen. With all that I have endured and lost, I can’t believe that I’ve found someone who has lost more.

He places his hand on the back of my head holding me against him.

“God, I’m so sorry Alex.”

He releases me and grabs my shoulders, pulling me onto my feet.

We’re standing eye-to-eye as he wipes my tears from my cheeks.

“Tabs, please don’t cry for me.”

I suck in a deep breath. “Alex, I’m crying for both of us. For all that we have lost.”

He pulls me into an embrace and kisses my forehead.

“Tabby, I don’t know what has caused you to withdraw into yourself, but you have to know that I’m here for you. I’m drawn to you and can practically feel your pain. And I can tell that we need each other.”

He’s right. We need each other.

I need him.

To heal.

“So my last boyfriend tried to kill me.” I gasp, surprised that those words just came out of my mouth.

He places his hands firmly on my shoulders pushing me slightly away from him so he can look into my eyes. “Tabs, you don’t have to say anything else.”

Yes I do. I really do. I suddenly feel the need to tell him everything.

“He was horrible. Tony. He was vile. He took advantage of me.” I move my hair away from my face to expose my cheek and the scar. “He sliced my face when I refused to give one of his club patrons a blow job. Then he tried to strangle me.” I pause as I look into Alex’s eyes. They are full of concern as he lightly touches my scar.

“I was able to get away, to start over. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder because I know that if he ever found me, he would make sure he completed the job and kill me.”

My eyes fill with tears.

“He took everything from me. Everything. He took my baby.”

Why did I say that?

He squeezes my shoulders tighter. “What?”

I begin to tremble as my sobs wrack my body.

He pulls me against him, tucking my face into his chest. My tears are soaking through his t-shirt.

“He got me pregnant and forced me to give her away. Her name was… is… Sara.”

“Oh my God, Tabitha. When?”

“Two months ago.”

“Jesus.”

He’s squeezing me so hard as he rubs his hands down my back. “Tabs, I just don’t know what to say.”

I sniffle. “Don’t say anything. It’s too painful.” I sob loudly again as I wrap my arms tighter around his body. I can’t believe I’m coming apart at the seams as I tell Alex everything.

Suddenly, the door swings open as Dax walks in.

“Hey, oh, uh, sorry,” he says stammering.

I quickly pull away from Alex and turn to face the wall. This is just perfect!

“Wow, Tabby, you don’t look so good,” he comments.

“Dude, seriously, what do you want?” Alex demands.

“Show’s about to start and you’ve been M.I.A for the past half hour. We need you now.”

Alex turns to me and gently caresses my face angling it toward him. “Tabs, are you going to be OK? I have a show to do.”

I nod slowly, “Yeah, just go do what you need to. I’m not going to watch the show tonight if that’s OK with you. I’m just not up to it.”

“Of course, but please stay back here. I’ll make sure you get home after the show.”

“Um, OK.” I don’t think I have it in me to leave just yet.

He runs his knuckle over my cheek, wiping away my tears. I close my eyes as I lean my head into his hand. “You’ll be fine back here. Get comfortable and I’ll see you after the show.”

He turns to leave and I notice Dax staring at me with a furrowed brow.

Alex walks past him out the door and Dax follows.

I throw myself back onto the couch and pull my knees up to my chest. I can’t believe that I just told Alex about Sara. What was I thinking? How could I have just blurted that out? How could I have shared something so deep and personal? I have exposed myself and I begin to panic once again.

The door swings open as Garrett saunters in.

“Oh, hey Tabby,” he smirks.

“Why aren’t you in the bar with the rest of the groupies?” he asks.

What a jerk! Seriously!

I sniffle a little and say, “I’m just not up for it, Garrett. Why don’t you go back out there and entertain your faithful minions.” I huff and look away from him.

“Get used to the crying, Tabs. Alex will break your heart over and over. You’re no different than the rest of them.”

What. The. Hell?

Before I can respond, he turns around and walks out of the room.

What a fucktard.

Why do I subject myself to this! And why does Garrett feel the need to make me feel like such crap?

I shake my head. God I should just leave. I suddenly don’t want to be here anymore. But then I hear the low strum of a guitar. Epic Fail must be starting their set.

I sit back down on the couch and stretch out my legs. The low hum of Alex’s voice begins to soothe me.

I’m asleep before he reaches the end of the first song.

~

I hear soft whispers.

“What are you going to do with her, Alex?” a voice says quietly.

“I’m going to let her sleep. She’s obviously exhausted,” Alex says.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

“What do you mean, Dax? I’d like to know.” Alex is no longer whispering.

“Alex, you don’t do relationships, especially with a chick like this. She’s a mess,” Dax says.

OK, enough eavesdropping. Alex turns to me as I stretch my legs out and open my eyes. “So, I should be going…” I stand up and walk to the door.

“Dax, will you give us a minute?” Alex asks.

Dax huffs. “Fine. Good to meet you Tabitha,” he says through tight lips. “See you around.” He turns and leaves the room.

“How much of that did you hear?” Alex asks.

“Enough. I heard enough, Alex and what did Dax mean?”

“He didn’t mean anything malicious by it Tabs. He’s just worried about me. He’s like my brother and knows that I have a history of bad relationships.”

‘Oh’ is really all I can say.

“Tabby, I don’t know what is going on here, but I feel something strong. Do you? Feel it?” He places his hands on the outside of my arms as if to keep me steady and looks into my eyes.

My heart is pounding in my chest as I return his gaze. “Yes,” I say it. Goddamn it, I can’t deny this attraction. I feel it. I feel the magnetic pull, the energy that is between us, enveloping us.

He slowly pulls me closer to him so our chests are touching and slides his hands up my arms to my face. He brushes the tears from my cheeks and places his lips softly on mine. Leaning his forehead into mine he says, “I’ve needed this since I walked into your bookstore and saw you for the first time. I have never felt this kind of pull before, Tabby. I just can’t explain it.”

He wraps his arms around me, pulls me into a tight embrace, and rests his chin on the top of my head.

I tremble slightly and squeeze him tight. “Alex, I don’t know what I can be to you, for you. But somehow, I know that I need this right now too. I need a friend. I need you.”

“Let’s get you home, OK?” He takes my hand and walks toward the door.

We walk through the hallway, passing Dax and Garrett. Neither says a word but look almost disapprovingly at us as we walk by.

I can’t bother myself with what others think about Alex and me. I’m hard enough on myself as it is.

Maybe he is exactly what I need to heal.

To move past what Tony did to me. What he took from me.