Dear Emily (Forever Family) (22 page)

“And I
promise
to love you with all that I am, Carly. I love you,” he whispers and pulls my body into his so we are spooning.

Our breathing is in sync as we snuggle into each other.

“I will love you forever, Kyle Finnegan,” I say softly as his arms tighten around my waist.

We slowly drift off to sleep when a loud banging commences on my door.

“Carly! We’re here!”

Shit. It’s Wednesday.

Wine Wednesday.

Kyle softly chuckles into the back of my neck. “We need to get dressed, Car. Your friends want to come in.”

I turn toward him so our naked bodies are pressed together.

“My friends can wait, or go away. I’m drunk on you right now, Kyle, so Wine Wednesday can wait.” I smile as I lean in and place a soft kiss on his mouth.

The banging on my door continues. “Carly! Open up! We know you’re in there!” Manny is yelling as his tone escalates into annoyance.

“Car, they are going to keep knocking,” Kyle states.

“Shh, they will go away.” I kiss him more insistently, pushing my tongue into his mouth.

He breathes deeply and rolls me onto my back, keeping our bodies fused together.

“OK, they’ll go away.” He smiles and rubs his nose against mine.

“But I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”

“Promise?” I ask.

“I
promise
.”

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Present

Age 22

The sun
is streaming through the windows as I stretch in my bed and feel Seth’s warm body next to mine. He has his own apartment a few blocks away, but he is always here. I’m starting to feel suffocated by his attention and this relationship. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, maybe it’s my hormones, but I’m feeling unsettled.

It’s Halloween.

My birthday.

Emily’s due date is one week away.

I’m dreading the next few days.

Seth is sound asleep, so I get out of bed as quietly as a gigantic pregnant woman can. I tiptoe into the bathroom to relieve myself. Emily is firmly pressing into my bladder and I barely make it to the toilet in time.

I finish going to the bathroom, wash my hands, and look at myself in the mirror.

What have I become? The dark circles under my eyes are more pronounced and my eyes look sunken into my head. My coloring is gray and my eyes are lifeless.

I’m already mourning the loss of my child.

Emily kicks my bladder again and I rush to sit on the toilet. How can I have this much pee?

I finish up, walk into the bedroom, and see that Seth is awake. He sits up and says, “Good morning, babe.” He smiles warmly and gestures for me to join him in bed.

“I’m going to make breakfast.” I turn and leave the room.

“Tabitha! What’s wrong?” I hear Seth yelling from the bedroom as I make it to my kitchen.

I just can’t deal with this today. I want to be alone. Away from everyone.

“Tabby, what is going on?” Seth catches up to me in the kitchen.

“Seth, not now. Please. I just want to be alone.”

He strides across the room, grabs me firmly by my shoulders practically shaking me. “Tabby, please talk to me. What did I do wrong? You’ve been backing away, hiding from me. What can I do to help? Please, baby, I love you. Let me help.” He’s pleading with me.

I shake free of his grasp and walk to the other side of the kitchen island.

“I can’t Seth. Please, just understand that I just can’t get into it.” He won’t understand what I’m going through and he certainly won’t want to hear what I have to say to him.

“Tabby, please! What can I do? What do you want me to say to make things right with you? With us? I’ll do anything. I just can’t take being shut out any longer. For weeks, months you have been constantly pulling away from me.” He gets quiet for a second then says, “Let’s get married. Let’s keep Emily and have the family that you’ve always dreamed of.”

What?!

Fucking hell!

I start to laugh, almost maniacally.

“Married? Seth, what the fuck do you think I want?!” I’m completely shocked to hear the word marriage from his mouth. That’s the absolute last thing that I want or need. And I know for a fact that it’s the very last thing that he wants.

“I don’t know, Tabby. I don’t know why I said it. But if it will help you cope with whatever you are going through, I’ll do anything. I’ll marry you. I’ll raise her with you. I’ll do anything!”

He’s insane. This conversation just hit nuclear.

“Seth, you never wanted this baby from the beginning. She may not even by yours! Hell, she isn’t even mine anymore. She’s Carly and Kyle’s. She was always theirs, Seth. Always. The day that Alex left me was the day that Emily ceased to be mine.”

“Alex? What the hell Tabby, why bring him up? He walked away from you and never looked back. Dammit! Is that what you want? Alex to be her father? For you to find your happily-fucking-ever-after with him? I was here to pick up the pieces. Me! Not him.”

“Pick up the pieces? Seth, I’m broken! How can you possibly think that you can put me back together? No one can!”

I start to sob uncontrollably. I’m completely broken and I can’t continue down this path. I need to move on to start completely fresh. He can’t possibly understand that.

Seth walks toward me but I back away.

“Tabby, please, whatever is going on, we can fix it. We always do. Please, baby.”

“Seth, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been fighting this for a long time, but I can’t be with you. You’ve always been a wonderful friend to me, but I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t love you.” His face drops in astonishment. I know that I just stabbed him in the gut and twisted the knife. He really loves me, but I just can’t return the feelings and I can’t continue to drag him down this painful path.

“Tabby, no. I won’t let this happen. Like I said, I’ll do anything you want. Anything! Please just let me. Let me in, please.”

Tears spill down his cheeks as he tries to reach out to me.

“I’m sorry, Seth. I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair to you or me. I need to move on and be on my own. I need to learn how to move forward alone. I’m a weak person and rely too much on others. I used you. I used you to fill the void that Alex left. He left a hole in my heart that no one, not even you, can fill.”

Shit. I’m an asshole. I can’t believe I just said that to him.

His face is now blank, devoid of emotion.

“Tabby, I’m not sure what you are saying, but I think I just heard that you never cared about me.” He’s broken. I’ve broken him. What he said is not true, but I can’t admit it. He has been a great friend to me and I have cared about him. I just can’t say it. I won’t. I need to end this. I need to move on and this is the only way that I know how. Cut the ties; sever the strings.

“Seth, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. This is over. I’m so sorry.”

I turn, walk back to my bedroom, and gently close the door. I hear him leave the apartment. I know that I won’t ever see him again. I just ripped his heart from his chest.

I sink to the floor cradling my belly. “I’m sorry Emily. I’m so sorry.” I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for. She is going to have an incredible life. She’ll never want for anything. She’ll have all of the comforts and love a beautiful girl could ask for.

Most importantly, she will have Carly and Kyle.

I am
not
sorry for that. She deserves them and all that they can give to her.

I stay curled up on the floor for what seems like hours. I look up at the clock. Shit, it’s almost Noon and I have to get to the bookstore.

I stand up and feel a sharp pain that takes my breath away shoot across my abdomen. I put my hand against the wall to steady myself while moving my free hand to my belly.

Another pain rocks through me as a burst of fluid streams down my legs.

Oh God! My water just broke!

Shit! I’m alone. Seth is gone and he’s never coming back.

I steady myself and make it to my nightstand where my phone is. I press the speed dial for Kirsten.

She answers the phone saying, “Tabitha, where are you? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.”

“Kirsten.” I pant and take a deep breath. “The baby. Water… my water just broke. Emily is coming.”

“Oh My God! Is Seth there?”

“No, that’s why I’m calling you. He’s gone. I need you.”

“Stay put, Tabby. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in ten minutes!”

She hangs up and I lie back onto the bed. I brace myself as a strong, painful contraction rocks across my belly.

Oh God! This is it.

I pick up the phone and hit my second speed dial.

“Hello?” I hear on the other line.

“Carly, it’s Tabitha. Can you meet me at University Hospital? Emily is coming.” I start to sob uncontrollably. I can’t believe the time is here.

“Tabitha! Are you OK? Please tell me what you need. I can be at the hospital within the hour. What can I bring? Do you need anything?” She’s stammering and I can tell that she is flustered.

“No, just come soon. Please.”

“OK, Tabitha. Hang in there! I’m calling Kyle as soon as I hang up and then we’ll be there right away!”

“OK, Bye.”

I end the call.

I have never felt so alone. Sobs overtake my body and I’m shaking as my next strong contraction hits. I wail loudly, crying and screaming through my pain.

I feel the physical pain of these contractions and the emotional pain of saying goodbye to my daughter.

“Emily, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I cry into the empty room. My tears are streaming down my face as I rub my belly.

“Please forgive me, Emily. I love you.”

I hear my front door open and Kirsten’s calling for me.

“Tabby! Where are you?”

I swipe my arm across my face, collecting the tears and snot onto my sleeve.

“Back here in the bedroom.”

She comes bursting through the door and stops to take in the scene.

“Oh honey. Honey, I’m here. What can I do to help?” She throws herself on the bed and pulls me tight against her chest.

“Get me to University Hospital. My contractions are close together.” Another stabbing pain shoots across my belly and I feel tremendous pressure.

“She’s coming fast.”

Kirsten helps me up and out the door to a waiting taxi.

We are on our way to the hospital.

I am not ready to say goodbye.

Spring Lake, New Jersey

Present

Age 29

“Kyle!” I
scream into my phone. “Tabitha is in labor!”

Oh! My! God!

I squeal with excitement.

“Car? Calm down. What hospital is she going to?”

I’m looking into the faces of two zombies, a vampire, and Tweety Bird. I grab gigantic handfuls of candy and dump them into their trick-or-treat bags.

“University Hospital,” I say excitedly. “She’s on her way there.”

“OK, I’m on my way. I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes!”

“OK Kyle, hurry!”

“Car, I love you! I promise this is going to be perfect.”

God, this man always knows exactly what to say.

“I love you too, Kyle. And yes, it is. I can feel it.”

I hang up the phone and place the giant bowl of candy onto my front porch. I scribble a note that reads ‘Take one piece please. We are out for the rest of the night.’, and place it above the bowl.

I scramble to find my flip-flops and grab my purse to wait for Kyle outside.

As I sit on the porch, my heart begins to race. I’m watching all of the families and children running around the neighborhood squealing with delight. I’m picturing Emily in a few years doing just the same thing. Her first Halloween is her birthday! How amazing! For the first time I’ll be able to replace the awful memories that I have associated with Halloween and my rape. Emily will forever bring happiness to this day!

I reach into my purse and touch the gift that I bought for Tabitha several months ago. I hope she loves it as much as I do.

Tears well up in my eyes as I think about what she is giving up. I’m so sad for Tabitha and her impending loss. I start to sob as I see Kyle’s SUV tear into the neighborhood. Kids are scattering throughout the street as Kyle tries to avoid plowing them down.

I laugh through my tears, jump up and run toward his car.

“Are you ready?” he asks as I slide into the front seat.

He reaches across the center console and grabs my hand.

“I’m ready, Kyle. More than you know.”

I squeeze back as he pulls my hand to his lips and kisses it.

We pull out of our driveway and head toward Philadelphia.

Oh my God, we are about to become parents.