Chapter 10
When I need time to relax and reflect on all the chaos happening in my life, there is nothing I like to do more than to watch the sunrise. With my mind whirling at a non- stop pace, sleep is just not happening to me. So with a cup of hot coffee in one hand and my Bible in my other, I head out to my enclosed back porch, curl up in my blanket and watch the sun rise.
Watching a sunrise in the winter is so beautiful. Just as the sun begins to peak over the horizon you can see the mirror of that sun in all the tiny snowflakes covering my backyard. This morning the tiny flakes are swirling in the air due to a slight wind. Watching the shadows begin to lift, the glorious colors start to appear on the backdrop of God’s canvas – it is all so beautiful. And so cold. It’s a good thing my back porch is enclosed and heated.
There is just so much going through my head lately. From planning this engagement party, to trying to avoid having to deal with some heart issues, and then feeling a little bit of excitement knowing that Rich is still single – I feel like I have lost focus on what is truly important in my life.
I need some God time, and how can I not reflect on Him while watching His masterpiece fill the sky? There is nothing more beautiful than watching the sunrise early in the morning. I have my bible opened to the book of Psalms. I like to go through the book and find portion of scriptures that solely reflect on the majesty and awesomeness of God. When I do this, I find that all those issues that I keep fretting over became nonsense in the eyes of God. Yes, they are important, but saturating myself in the presence of God is more important.
I try to make it a habit to dwell on the praises of God while the sun rises, and then I will allow myself to deal with the issues of my heart. If I can get my priorities straight, then everything else will fall into line.
So with that in mind, I finish up my coffee, close my bible and begin to cry.
After a couple minutes of tears streaming down my face, I search my heart to find out why exactly I was crying. Dare I admit that deep in my heart I am feeling hurt by God? Will I be struck with lightening if I say this out loud? Is it possible to feel this way about the one I can call Abba Father?
From what I have read in my devotions today, I am a daughter of God, precious and loved by Him. With this in mind, I think it would be okay to admit my feelings, as long as I am willing to listen to what He has to say to me.
There is so much turmoil in my heart right now. Why are we always is told that we need to surrender our uttermost desires to God. Why am I continually being reminded that, ‘my ways are not your ways, thus says the Lord of Hosts.’ Why do I need to give up my desires, when all I want is to be loved? I don’t want to be single. It’s not a choice that I make on a daily decision. I feel like I am paying for a past mistake, one that I made when I was too young to know my own heart. Is it really that terrible to desire a family? How much longer do I have to wait Father? My internal clock is ticking, and it’s been ticking for a while now. If you love me so much God, then why don’t you bring someone into my life that I will love and will be loved in return?
I take a deep breath. There, I said it. Now what? I close my eyes and let my head drop towards my lap. I feel resigned. I know in my heart I need to let go of this and move on. Find my joy in the Lord. I take another deep breath and prepare to completely surrender – for today at least.
I get a picture in my mind’s eye. It is of my dream when I was on the beach. Of being held, hearing sweet words being whispered into my ear. I see myself turning around and actually seeing the face of the man who is holding me. The same face that I saw on the website I was looking at the other night. Rich Carradine. The true love of my heart. What does this mean? Am I just confusing what I want with what God wants, or could he possibly be in my future?
I give a little smile and let the image play upon my thoughts for a bit until reality hits.
Reality hits hard. I have just finished pouring the last cup of coffee of the morning. I happened to glance at the clock and realized that it’s Sunday, and I missed the morning service. Thinking back to what I just dealt with this morning, I decided to not feel guilty for playing hookie for once and decided this would be a good time to deal with other issues at hand. The number one issue would be the party. My original thoughts were to hold off until this evening before I began to think of it, but then my thoughts and Nancy’s thoughts are apparently on two different wavelengths.
Nancy Montgomery. The very lady my mother believes is gloating over the fact the jilted bride is holding an engagement party for the new bride.
Nancy, who is in a bright pink suit with black pants, walks up my front steps, knocks once on my door and then proceeds to enter into my home.
“Yoo-hoo. Anybody home?” she sings in a sweet disarming voice.
Thankfully I was presentable. Could you imagine if Nancy entered my home like she did and I was standing there is my unmentionables? If she saw me in my lounge clothes, I would be mortified. No one dares to bask in her presence unless they are in their absolute best. That is just the way Nancy is; a refined social butterfly with horns sharper than a freshly sharpened pencil.
“Nancy – what a surprise. I’m in the kitchen.” I call out to her as I’m quickly trying to tidy up my messy kitchen. Like I can make it appear presentable in the five seconds it will take her to walk down to me.
I can hear the clicking of her shoes as she comes closer. I feel like I’m about to face the firing squad in a few short seconds, and so I take a deep breath, and then a huge sip of my coffee.
Unfortunately, the coffee didn’t go down as smoothly as I had hoped, and so I ended up greeting my new guest by having a coughing fit. When I finally glanced up from being bent at the waist, I noticed not one but two sets of shoes. One was definitely a high heel and the other, a more comfortable loafer.
“Hello ladies. Please excuse the mess, I wasn’t exactly expecting company this morning.” I said to my unexpected guests.
“Wynne. It’s so nice to see you. Nancy insisted we had to talk to you, and when we saw you weren’t at church this morning, we decided to just pop over here. I hope you don’t mind?” greeted the other guest to me, who turned out to be the newly engaged Stacey. Can my day get any better?
“Of course she doesn’t mind” interjected Nancy, cutting off my reply before I could even think of one. Perhaps it was a good thing Nancy spoke first.
I turned to Nancy, stood up straight and decided to face her head on.
“Nancy, what can I do for you?” I asked her. I was polite and forceful, or at least that is how I hope I sounded.
It was a good thing I spent some time with God this morning. Otherwise I would not have the grace and fortitude to deal with this today.
“Well, seeing as you are planning a party for this Friday, I thought it might be best if we came over to help you in any way that you may need. I haven’t heard from you yet concerning this, so naturally you must need my help. It is only a few days away you know. This is too important of a party to leave everything until the last minute dear.” Nancy walked around my kitchen. She stopped in front of my large bay window facing out to my backyard. Thankfully there is so much snow on the ground that she is unable to see the disarray that my garden is in. Fixing my gardens is definitely on my to-do list for the spring.
I decided to take the upper hand in all of this. After all, I’m not the one marrying her son, so therefore I don’t have to deal with her on a regular basis.
“Oh Nancy, of course. I should apologize for not getting in touch with you sooner. And Stacey, that goes for you as well. I have had so much on the go that it completely slipped my mind. Of course the mother of the groom and the bride-to-be would have a say in this party.” I exclaimed. Am I pouring it on a little too thick, do you think? Nah.
“Now please don’t worry at all. I have a group of ladies who are helping me with this, and everything is all set to go. Decorations are in order and very tastefully done, food has been delegated to various women, invitations ready to be sent out, there will even be an announcement in our town paper concerning the party. The church is booked, flowers ordered. Everything down to the tiny detail has been thought of and prepared.” I counted off the lists on my fingers.
“Well, it certainly sounds like you have everything planned” Nancy said in a quiet voice. I think she was personally hoping to watch me stumble in this. Either that or perhaps she really wanted a hand in organizing this party.
“You can rest assured Stacey, this will be a wonderful party.” I addressed to Stacey as she looked at me with a perplexing look on her face.
“Nancy, I am even making a special cheesecake and chocolate dipped strawberries for Friday. I won’t disappoint you, I promise.” I tried to make it sound more appealing. I’m starting to feel a bit guilty for excluding them from the preparations. Perhaps I was wrong in wanting to do this without Nancy’s domineering help.
“Here,” I announced. “Why don’t you take a seat at the table? I’ll put on a fresh pot of coffee, and show you all the notes and pictures of what it will all look like.” I asked the two very quiet ladies.
Nancy was able to compose herself quickly. I could see her stiffening up her spin, while Stacey let out an audible breath of relief. I think I managed to save the day.
“That would be lovely.” Replied Stacey as she took a seat at my small table. Thankfully there was one space that was neither cluttered nor dirty.
After an hour of explaining and rehashing ideas and decisions, it ended up that both Stacey and Nancy were happy with not only the colors chosen, but also with the flowers, food and invitations. While I was walking the two ladies to my front door, Stacey gave me a quick hug and thanked me for doing all of this. Nancy of course just walked out the door without a word, and I managed to close the door with enough dignity to last all of five seconds before I sank to the floor in front of my door in a puddle. It was then that I noticed, that not only did I sink to the floor in a puddle, I also sank right into a puddle of wet snow. Yuck. The perfect ending to a rather harried couple of hours.
After another cup of flavored coffee I decide to do a bit of research on the computer. Of course my first initial reasoning was for party ideas for Friday. But after opening my email, all thoughts of the engagement party dissipated from my mind.
There on the screen was an email message from Rich. I just stared at his name for a second, completely blanking everything else out. He wrote me. He actually wrote me. His email title says “With hopes from Rich.” With hopes. Hopes? What type of hopes? With hopes from Rich. What does he mean by that? Okay, I’m hyperventilating now and imagine loud noises ringing in my ears. Take a deep breath. In, out, in, out. The noise is still ringing. I shake my head a bit to clear it, and realize the phone is ringing. Working on autopilot, I reach out my hand to grab the cordless.
“Hello” I answered, still in somewhat of a daze.
“Wynne? Are you okay?” asked Heather on the other end. I guess she caught the tone of my voice – amazement combined with shock.
“What did you say to him Heather?” I asked her. The shock still hasn’t left my voice.
“Say to who Wynne? Whom did I say something to?” Heather asked. Now she’s the one with the question in her voice.
“To Rich. What did you say to him Heather? Please tell me.” I begged of her. She had to have said something. Why else would he write me after five long years of silence?
“Wynne, take a deep breathe. I already told you what I said to him hun. What is wrong? Did something happen? Did you have another dream? Do you need me to come over?” Heather asked me in a bit of a panic.
“No, I don’t need you to come over. I had planned on having a nice relaxing day at home getting caught up, remember? So far that hasn’t happened, but I’m not going to stop hoping that it does.” I said to her a bit testily.
“Okay then. What is going on?” she asked me.
I close my eyes. Do I really want to tell her? Maybe this is just a dream and the email really isn’t there. I open my eyes. Nope, it’s not a dream.
“I just received an email from Rich. After five years of silence, and one year of you hounding me to contact him, I get an email from him. Why would he be writing me Heather? Why now of all times?” I asked her with a hint of a beg in that question.
“Oh Wynne. What does it say? Have you read it? Read it to me.” she asked me. As if I dare keep a secret from her.
“I haven’t read it yet Heather. It’s just sitting there in my inbox as an unopened new message. I’m not sure if I really want to open it. What if he just writes to say hi and that’s it. What do I say back?”
“What does the message title say?” Heather asked me in a quiet voice.
“With hopes from Rich” I answered her.
There was silence at the other end of the phone for a couple of seconds. Those seemed like the longest seconds in my life.
“With hope? With hope” you could hear Heather mutter on the other line.
“I think you should go ahead and open it. If he mentions hope, that has to be a good thing.” Heather encourages me.
“Well of course I’m going to open it. I think I need to be fortified with some chocolate first.” I told her. There’s no way that I can make it through this life changing email without some chocolate.