“I really don’t know.”
I owed him honesty, but I prayed it would be enough. I was desperate to give him my whole heart. But there was a deep part of me that knew; I just knew that I would never ever be able to say yes.
With a sigh of resignation, Jude slowly walked towards me. He reached for both of my hands and pulled me into a hug. There was a note of finality in that embrace. With a kiss on the top of my head, and a touch of caress on my face, Jude whispered the words I will never forget.
“I can never be second best. I love you. But not enough to settle for only half your heart.”
With that, he let go of me and turned around and walked out. He left by the back door, and in the background I could hear his car start up and drive away.
I stood there in stunned silence. I could feel the tears escaping from my eyes. I could hear a sob being torn from my throat. And then I collapsed.
That is how I was found. Heather and Tracey came around me and hugged me. My father walked in, took one look at me and then after a glance out the window he left the room. My mother walked in and started to cry, demanding to know what had happened. Heather and Tracey gently escorted me out of the room, through the very door that Jude had left through and into the van that had brought me to the church. I later found out that it was my dad who announced that there would be no wedding. Both my parents and Jude’s parents arranged to have all the catered food be given to the local woman’s shelter and to the youth drop in center. Everyone wanted to know what had happened. They started to blame Jude for walking out on me and breaking my heart. After days of walking in a daze, I felt strong enough to confess to Heather and Tracey what had really occurred. One week after that fateful day, Jude called me to see if I was okay. He apologized for leaving me to clear up all the mess. We both agreed that it would be best not to say anything to anyone, other than that it was a mutual decision on both parts not to get married. I doubt very much that was enough to stop all the gossip and speculation, but at that point I really didn’t care.
I haven’t seen him in three years, not since that day that he walked out of the church. I’ve wondered deep down what would happen if he ever did come back. I guess now I know. It’s not that I still love him, or that I want him back. I think what is hitting me the most is that once again my dream doesn’t become true, while someone else’s does.
“I don’t know Wynne,” replied Tracey as she just let me cry and bear my heart. “Scripture tells us that God grants us the desires of our heart. I don’t want to spiritualize what you are feeling hun, but when was the last time you really surrendered your desires to God’s will?” Tracey said.
“Surrender? How many times do I need to surrender Tracey? Sometimes it feels like that is all I do. When am I allowed to say enough is enough, and ask when is it my turn for some happiness? I’m the only single one left of our group. Do you know what it’s like to go to bed lonely every night? To not have that special someone there to talk to? Marriage and children are my hearts desire. How can that not be God’s will?” I asked. Deep in my heart, I already know the answers. But it’s nice to vocalize my feelings for once.
“Marriage is a lot of hard work. You want to make sure you’re married to someone who can go through those hard times with you,” replied Tracey with a bit of a far off look in her eyes.
“Wynne, I know you are a strong person. Instead of settling for second best, you waited. Sometimes I wish … well, lets just say not everyone has the strength to do that. When Mr. Right does come along, you’ll be able to offer so much more into your marriage Wynne, then if you had just jumped the boat and married the first guy who came along. Sometimes I envy you. You have been able to do things with your life that I can’t do because I have a family now. You quite your boring, routine job, you took a huge step by opening your own store and it’s a success. You bought this home and made it into your dream home.” Tracey stood and paced across the room.
“You are able to focus your love and attention on your walk with God, and not worry about a lot of little distractions. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re still single. Enjoy it while you can.” Tracey said. She sank back down into the chair. A dejected look filled her face.
“Sometimes I wish I were still single.”
Those little words just about broke my heart. I leaned over and gathered her in my arms. It was my turn now to give her the shoulder she needs and let her cry.
“You don’t regret marrying Mike, do you?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer.
She leaned back and took a deep breath. “Sometimes.” Tracey whispered. “Is that so horrible of me?”
How do I answer this? Part of me is shouting - Yes, of course it’s horrible of you. Don’t you realize the gift you have? But instead I keep quiet and just give her a small smile.
“I knew something has been wrong, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. Tracey, I’m so sorry. Are you guys just hitting a bump in the road maybe?” Who am I to really talk though, right?
“A bump? More like a series of bumps. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. I know there has to be an end in sight, but I don’t see a promising one anytime soon. The only end I see leads to a lot of hurt and pain.”
“Oh, Tracey.” I replied. “I’m so sorry. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? Are you guys going to be okay?” I asked. I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to imagine that things are as bad as she is making it sound, but yet I don’t want to trivialize her feelings either.
“Right now Wynne, I honestly can’t say. We’ll get through. We always do.” Tracey answered with a shake of her head.
“Now enough about me. It’s late and I do need to get home. But … I am going to find time to get away tomorrow, and I’ll drag Heather with me. We’ll come for coffee t and we’ll brainstorm about this party you are so determined to throw. I still don’t know why you offered to do this – but since you won’t back down, you’re going to need all the support you can get.”
I walked her to the front door and gave her a big hug. We both needed it. Walking to my bedroom, suddenly feeling rather lonely, I made a decision.
I’m going to get a cat.
Chapter 6
I got my cat, well, kitten.
To be honest, I am the proud owner of two kittens. I’m a sucker for punishment, but I couldn’t just take one and leave the other behind. After calling the local animal shelter this morning before I went into the store, I found out that they had just received two kittens earlier this month. Today was the first day that they were offering them for adoption. The animal shelter found these kitties tied up in a bag, and they desperately needed some love and care. When I first saw them, my heart just broke. They looked so sad, lying beside each other. As I was watching, one kitten began to play with the other. I think they were trying to put on a show for me. After hearing how they were found, I just couldn’t leave one behind.
In the shelter they seemed too tame for their age. I was able to place them both in one carrier complete with a soft blanket for them to lie on. Since they seemed so well behaved I decided to take them into the store with me. I figured I could just leave them in the carrier in my office while I had to work out front. The worker at the shelter told me that with them being young and uncared for, I might find that all they do is sleep for the first day or so. Let me tell you – was she ever wrong.
When I walked into the store, Heather was waiting for me. It was her morning to open, which leaves me time to get any little running around that I need to do get done. When she saw the carrier she immediately came over and peered inside to see what I had.
“Kittens. Oh, aren’t they adorable. You never told me you were getting kittens. Awww, look at them. Oh can I hold them? Pretty please?” Heather bent down and opened the carrier door.
“Isn’t she just the sweetest thing? Oh, look at her cute little tongue, tiny little nose, and she’s so soft. What’s your name sweetie pie? Hmmm, little cupcake, what does ole Wynnie here call you?” Heather cooed at the kitten she was holding in her arms. I placed the carrier down and gathered the other kitten into my arms. I decided to let the ‘ole Wynnie’ comment pass for now.
“I think I’ll call this one Jewel, and the one you have … Hmmm, I’m not sure yet.” I said to her as I was stroking the fur on this kitten. She was an amazing color. Furry with black and gold color tone all through out the fur. Right around her collar she had a ring of almost gold coloring … reminding me of a necklace. I think Jewel will fit her perfectly.
“Cocoa. You should name her Cocoa. Look at her coloring … almost like a chocolate brown, the color of frosting on a cake. So soft and sweet.” She holds the kitten up to her cheek and rubs the fur across her face.
I think Cocoa is an excellent name for her, and in all honesty, how could I not have a cat named Cocoa?
Cocoa begins to lick Heather’s face, which causes giggles to erupt from Heather. I take it she’s a bit ticklish. After a few more cuddles with the kitten in her hand, Heather places Cocoa back into the carrier and then reaches for Jewel to hold as well. After the same routine, holding, cuddling, face tickling giggles, Heather is ready to get back to work. I took the kittens and their carrier into my office in the back and gently tell them to go to sleep.
I walk out to the front to grab a cup of coffee, when Heather barricades me into the corner of the store, behind the counter.
“Wynne Taylor, what is this news that Tracey told me about this morning? Why didn’t you call me last night. I would have come over you know. Whatever possessed him to come over to your home unannounced and just dump on you with this news? He has no right to do that. And what possessed you, little missy, to offer to throw him of all people, an engagement party.” Heather stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, clearly annoyed with me.
I had to laugh at her a little bit. I’ve had all night and morning to process this news, she just recently found out.
“Don’t you dare laugh at me missy. I’m not the one making nonsense type decisions here. Seriously.” Heather rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
I take it she’s not all that happy with me.
I’m not all that happy with myself either. But it’s not like I can back out of this either. I made a rash emotional decision, and now I need help to deal with this mess.
“Okay, okay ... I admit I made the decision based on sheer emotion, and yes, I should have called you … but … you still love me. Now, let me by, so I can grab my coffee and then you can help me get out of this big mess.” I admitted, while gently nudging her out of my way. With the way things are looking right now … I am definitely going to need that coffee.
As I move away from the door, I can hear some gentle noise coming from my office. Ahh, the sounds of two kittens meowing. I smile softly as I head to the coffee counter. I can’t wait to take them home. I’ll need to make a list of things to purchase; thank goodness the Dollar Store is nearby. I can grab some cat toys there, as well as some collars and dishes for food and water. Maybe I’ll get them their own beds or maybe one big bed for them to sleep in. I don’t want them to get in the habit of sleeping with me in my bed.
Armed
with coffee and some little treats, I head to the corner table where Tracey and Heather are huddled together with their heads joined, deep in conversation.
“I come bearing gifts,” I stated with a bow.
“You’ve come to try to sweeten us up, more like it,” said Heather. She knows me so well.
“Will it help?” I ask sweetly. I make sure I give my sweet little innocent smile, while I bat my eyelashes at the two.
“If it’s chocolate, who cares?” Tracey said, as she grabbed the place of goodies out of my hand.
“So,” Tracey stopped to take a bite out of a chocolate macaroon the size of small child’s hand. “Heather and I have decided that this needs to be a spectacular party, one that will take everyone’s mind off the fact it’s you throwing it. In fact, we’ll spread it around that it’s the group of us doing it, as old friends of Jude. We’ll take the focus completely off of you as the hostess.” She popped the rest of the macaroon into her mouth.
“You think that will work?” I said. Somehow I doubt it.
“No, I don’t think it will work, but at least we’re trying,” Heather retorted back. I think I might have insulted her by being skeptical.
“I do appreciate it. What would I do without you two to help me fix my messes? You know I love you … enough to share my chocolate with you, and that’s a big deal.”
All right, all right, that was a bit cheeky of a reply, but I need to get back into the good graces of Heather, and I figure a bit of teasing might help.
I glanced at Heather to see if it was working, and found her watching me with a thoughtful gleam in her eye.
“What?”
“Have you had any more of your mystery man dreams?”
“Why?” I said. I don’t like the sound of this, nope, not at all.
“What does that have to do with throwing this engagement party?” Tracey asked Heather.
“It doesn’t really have anything to do with the party per say, but I’m wondering if she offered to throw this party with a bit of desperation,” she answered still with that thoughtful look in her eye.
“I don’t understand,” replied Tracey. “How would desperation make her do this?”
“Well, the more she has these dreams, the more frustrated I’ve noticed her become, especially in regards to being single. I think that instead of being ready to deal with these issues, she just blurted out that she would throw this party. Now there is something else in her life for her to focus on rather than the real heart issues.” Heather explained.