Bang Gang (16 page)

He shook his head. “It’s got nothing to do with being fuckable, Jodie. That’s what you fucking mean, isn’t it? Like we pick out the fucking hot ones. Like there’s some fucking merit system,
nice fucking tits, let’s give her a go
. We don’t give a fuck about that.
I
don’t give a fuck about that.”

“Then what?” I felt the beginnings of anger. “What
has
it got to do with?”

He stubbed out his cigarette. “Just no.”

The little plume of anger was blooming, shooting right up my spine. “
Just no?!
”

“
Just
no!” he snapped, and turned tail. “I’m not booking you in for a fucking gangbang, end of fucking story.”

I folded my arms. “But you
will
book Mandy Taylor in for one? What’s so special about Mandy fucking Taylor, Trent? Why can she pay for a good fucking time but I can’t? My money’s as good as hers!”

He stopped in his tracks, and he was simmering, absolutely seething. I knew this look well. We’d argued like this more times than I cared to remember, when things were going tits up all around us and we couldn’t agree on any-fucking-thing anymore. “What money?” he said. “How do you think you’re going to pay for this shit, Jo? It’s not like a bastard TV subscription, we’re talking hundreds of fucking pounds, you saw that fucking box of mine.”

I felt my resolve faltering. I couldn’t even say the words, and he knew, he fucking knew.

I think I preferred his angry face to this one. This one was horrible. Shock, disappointment. Maybe a bit of disgust. He had some fucking cheek, but I didn’t feel that, I just felt the shame.

“Don’t say it, don’t even fucking think it,” he said. “That’s
not
for
this
. He wouldn’t have wanted this. Fucking hell, Jo, what the fuck?”

“He would have wanted me to
live
, Darren. How
I
choose to live is up to me.”

“Fine,
live
. But I won’t be a fucking part of this shit. You won’t be getting your kicks here.”

Be damned if I was going to back down now. I willed myself to stay calm, to stay cool, to stay anything but the embarrassed little Jodie whose confidence was taking a battering when it was just getting started. “And you speak for everyone, do you?”

He stared right at me. “Yes. I fucking do.”

I took a step forward, cleared my throat. “How about it, guys?” I shouted. “If it’s good enough for Mandy, how about letting me have a go? I can pay!”

I waited. And waited. My eyes wandered from face to face, and yet none of them would meet my stare. They were all looking at Trent, every single one of them.

I smiled a bitter smile, mainly to hide my upset. “Oh, I get it,” I said. “It’s like that.” I turned back to Darren. “You really are the head honcho. Guess it feels good to be the big I am, casting judgement on who’s
good
enough to have a go.”

“It’s not like that,” he said, but he was still angry, and so was I.

“Fine,” I said, and I was already on my way back to the car. “I’ll find some other guys who’ll give me a good time. You can’t be the only fucking gigolos around. The internet’s a fucking wonderful thing.”

I slammed the car door behind me, and got the hell out of there.

I got back to the Land Rover on the ramp, launching a kick at pile of tyres as I went.
Fucking hell. Just what the fucking hell?

My temples were pounding, jaw so tight I had an annoying twitch flickering away. My anger was low and hard, bubbling under the surface like a fucking volcano about to blow.

The guys left me well alone for an hour or so, and it was Buck who brought me a cup of tea over. I guess Petey was too fucking scared.

“Wanna talk about it?” he said, propping himself against the rig.

“No,” I snapped. “Not fucking really.”

Buck didn’t give a shit. “That was well fucking off, mate. She had a point.”

“And what fucking point would that be?”

He shrugged. “We’re normally not so fucking picky. She knows it. We know it. She wants a go and why shouldn’t she? Everyone else in this poxy village is after some.”

“She’s different.”

He nodded. “Alright, but how so? You’ve been split a long fucking time, mate.”

“She just is,” I barked. “Leave it, Buck. Just fucking leave it.”

He slapped a hand on my shoulder before he left me to it. “I think you’re making a mistake. You ain’t gonna want to hear this shit, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’ve known Jodie a long time, we all have. You tore her a new asshole out there for wanting what everyone else wants, for wanting to live a fucking fantasy. And why shouldn’t she? Why the fuck shouldn’t she, Trent? We’ve taken enough money from women in her shoes, why not offer her the same fucking courtesy?”

“As if it’s about fucking courtesy. Are you that fucking greedy for the money?” I stormed away, practically swung the office door from its hinges. I grabbed a wedge of notes from the till. Buck didn’t even flinch as I threw them in his direction. “If you’re that desperate for the fucking cash, Buck, then take it and get the fuck out of my face for the rest of the fucking day.”

Buck gathered up the notes with a sigh. He tapped them on the side, lined them all up, then left them there. He held up his hands. “Alright, I’ll leave it. Just forget I said anything.”

As if I’d be able to forget about this fucking mess anytime soon.

He got back to work without another word, and so did I.

I heard nothing from Darren for three days. I dropped the girls at the yard after school and he dropped them outside the house when they were ready to come home. That was it, no texts, no polite conversation on the front doorstep, nothing.

I saw him through the cafe window on Thursday lunchtime, making his way to the village shop for cigarettes no doubt, but he didn’t even glance in my direction, and I made damned sure I wouldn’t have been looking his way if he had.

Tonya said he was jealous. I told her that was ridiculous. It wasn’t
me
who’d wanted to marry the next person I hooked up with in his wake. It wasn’t
me
who was fucking the whole fucking village without a care in the world.

Darren Trent wasn’t jealous.

He was an asshole.

And he didn’t see me as a woman, not anymore. That was the bottom line. I was just
Mum
.
That’s
how he saw me, and in that deep dark place in my heart that’s how I’d feared he’d seen me for a long, long time. Since I’d had the girls, in fact. It never felt quite the same after.

Maybe that’s what killed us, ultimately.

Maybe I’d stopped being a woman in his eyes before I’d stopped being a woman in my own.

But I was a woman again now, even if he refused to see it. I kept hold of myself, kept putting that makeup on every morning, kept making the effort to feel like
me.

And it worked. It really worked.

Maybe I didn’t care so much what Darren Trent thought after all.

I realised that was a lie when I found his truck next to mine in the cafe car park at closing. I walked quickly, straight to my door, ignoring him until he was out of his and close enough to my side that he could put an arm across the door handle. I ignored him like he didn’t matter, but my heart was racing and my mouth was dry, my whole body thrumming with anger and upset and something else.

“What?” I said, then looked around him, stared back at his empty truck. I’d asked Tonya to drop Mia and Ruby down at the garage, since I was working late, and yet there was no sign of them.

“They’re at Mum and Dad’s,” he said. “I’m here to see you.”

“Well, you’ve seen me now.” I went to push his arm away. He wouldn’t budge.

“I want to talk,” he said just as the sky opened up and started pissing itself down.
Great.
“Please, Jo,” he said. “Just get in the truck a minute.”

I made a big old sigh out of it before I relented. I hauled myself into the passenger seat, stared straight through the windscreen at the rain outside.

It took him a while to speak.

“Why do you want to do it?”

I shot him a look of surprise. “What?”

“The sex,” he said. “Why? I didn’t have you down as the orgy type.”

I shrugged. “Maybe you had me down wrong then.”

He smirked. “Thought I knew you pretty well, Jodie. You never fucking mentioned having a fucking gangbang. I’d have remembered, believe me.”

I relaxed into the seat, tried to work out the right words. “I didn’t think about it back then. We were… everything. And then we weren’t.” I paused but didn’t look at him. “Since then I’ve been… Brian wasn’t…” I sighed. “I didn’t feel like
me
. I haven’t felt like
me
in a long fucking time.”

“And now you do?”

I smiled, kept staring at the rain. “I’m getting there.”

“And banging four fucking guys will get you further
there
, will it?”