All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood (37 page)

169
have
assaulted
people
they
know
Howard N. Snyder, “Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement: Victim, Incident, and Offender Characteristics” (Washington, DC: US Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, July 2000), 10.

170
eight-
to
ten-year-olds
play
them
Victoria J. Rideout, Ulla G. Foehr, and Donald F. Roberts, “Generation M2: Media in the Lives of Eight- to Eighteen-Year-Olds,”
Kaiser Family Foundation
(January 2010): 5, 15.

170
Sixty percent of all “heavy” media users
Ibid., 5.

170
63
percent
of
seventh-
and
eighth-grade
boys
Lawrence Kutner and Cheryl Olson,
Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games, and What Parents Can Do
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 2008), 90.

170
young
men
were
degenerating
into
dandies
Mintz,
Huck’s Raft,
193.

171
How
to
tie
five
essential
knots
Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden,
The Dangerous Book for Boys
(New York: HarperCollins, 2007), passim.

171
“There’s
now
this
weird
structured
tension”
Mimi Ito, interview with the author, May 24, 2012.

174
“
sacralization” of
childhood
Zelizer,
Pricing the Priceless Child,
22.

174
“Relieved
of
having
to
carry
out
”
Quoted in Hulbert,
Raising America,
101.

175
“Individual
happiness
becomes
that
elusive
good”
Hays,
The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood,
67.

175
“It
is
unrealistic,
I
think”
Phillips,
On Balance,
90.

176
“points to a plowed field
”
Jerome Kagan, “The Child in the Family,”
Daedalus
106, no. 2 (1977): 33–56; for a thorough overview of Kagan’s study, see Zelizer,
Pricing the Priceless Child
, 220.

176
“We are uncertain about how we want our children to behave”
Spock,
Problems of Parents,
290.

176
even
Chua
has
questions
about
this
approach
Amy Chua website, “From Author Amy Chua,” available at: http://amychua.com (accessed April 22, 2013).

179
Suzuki,
a
method
of
musical
instruction
first
developed
Talent Education Research Institute, “Suzuki Method,” available at: http://www.suzuki method.or.jp/indexE.html accessed April 22, 2013).

179
whose
numbers
have
fallen
quite
a
bit
Putnam,
Bowling Alone,
100. For more updated information about declines in family dinners, see Robert Putnam’s forthcoming book in 2014.

180
couples
spent . . . 12.4
hours
alone
together
per
week
Bianchi et al.,
Changing Rhythms,
104.

180
those kinds of volunteer efforts and public involvements
Putnam,
Bowling Alone,
ch. 7.

180
how
one
raises
a
child
Kagan, “Our Babies, Our Selves,” 42.

181
The
data
were
quite
clear
Ellen Galinsky,
Ask the Children: What America’s Children Really Think About Working Parents
(New York: William Morrow, 1999), xv.

chapter five

183
“They
don’t
tell
you”
Dani Shapiro,
Family History: A Novel
(New York: Anchor Books, 2004), 120.

185
“getting
wenches
with
child”
The Winter’s Tale,
ed. Jonathan Bate and Eric Rasumssen (New York: Modern Library, 2009), act 3, scene 3, lines 64–65.

185   “
so
that
someone
is
happy
to
see
you”
Ephron,
I Feel Bad About My Neck,
125.

186
“It
doesn’t
seem
to
me
like
adolescence
is
a
difficult
time”
Laurence Steinberg, interview with the author, April 11, 2011.

186
“The
hormonal
changes
of
puberty”
Laurence Steinberg,
Adolescence,
10th ed. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2014), 418.

186
longitudinal
study
he
conducted
of
over
two
hundred
families
Laurence Steinberg,
Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994), 17, 253, 254–55.

186
feelings of rejection . . . symptoms of distress
Ibid., 28.

187
“We were much better able to predict”
Ibid., 59.

187
It
was
“discovered” by
Stanley
Hall
See, for example, Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, “G. Stanley Hall’s
Adolescence:
Brilliance and Nonsense,”
History of Psychology
9, no. 3 (2006): 186–97.

189
“We
were
astounded
by
the
enthusiastic
response”
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
17.

193
the
proportion
of
waking
hours
that
children
spent
with
their
families
Reed W. Larson et al., “Changes in Adolescents’ Daily Interactions with Their Families from Ages 10 to 18: Disengagement and Transformation,”
Developmental Psychology
32, no. 4 (1996): 752.

193
“During
childhood,
it’s
about
trying
to
help
develop”
Joanne Davila, interview with the author, April 8, 2011.

194
“somebody
who
is
trying
to
get
himself
kidnapped”
Phillips,
On Balance,
102.

194
“being
involved
in
their
children’s
education”
Galinsky,
Ask the Children,
45.

194
“How
sharper
than
a
serpent’s
tooth”
William Shakespeare,
King Lear
, 2d ed., ed. Elspeth Bain et al. (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2009), act 1, scene 4, lines 243–44.

195
“second
only
to
infancy”
Gerald Adams and Michael Berzonsky, eds.,
Blackwell Handbook of Adolescence
(Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing, 2006), 66.

195
“old
script”
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
209.

195
“I believe that we have underestimated”
Ibid., 62.

196
precisely
the
conclusion
of
a
1998
meta-study
Laursen et al., “Reconsidering Changes in Parent-Child Conflict.”

196
In
her
work,
Nancy
Darling
offers
a
nuanced
analysis
For example, see Nancy Darling, Patricio Cumsille, and M. Loreto Martinez, “Individual Differences in Adolescents’ Beliefs About the Legitimacy of Parental Authority and Their Own Obligation to Obey: A Longitudinal Investigation,”
Child Development
79, no. 4 (2008): 1103–118.

196
Most
kids . . . have
no
objections
Nancy Darling, interview with the author, March 29, 2011.

197
wearing
jeans
to
church
Nancy Darling, “The Language of Parenting: Legitimacy of Parental Authority,” Thinking About Kids (blog),
Psychology Today
(January 11, 2010), available at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blogthinking-about-kids/201001/the-language-parenting-legitimacy-parental-authority.

198
One
is
being
divorced
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
234, 237.

198
parents
tend
to
be
much
closer
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
233.

198
“I
think
it’s
a
lot
easier
to
parent
a
child”
Brené Brown, interview with the author, September 18, 2012.

199
“The
critical
protective
variable”
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
239.

203
sexual
frequency
among
married
couples
declines
See, for example, Call et al., “The Incidence and Frequency of Marital Sex.”

203
“
growth
spurt[s],
growth
of
body
hair,
and
skin
changes”
Shawn D. Whiteman, Susan M. McHale, and Ann C. Crouter, “Longitudinal Changes in Marital Relationships: The Role of Offspring’s Pubertal Development,”
Journal of Marriage and
Family 69, no. 4 (2007): 1009.

203
“They have
weathered
a
lot
of
storms”
Thomas Bradbury, communication with the author, August 15, 2012.

204
“Inevitably,
we
see
ourselves
in
our
kids”
Andrew Christensen, interview with the author, May 18, 2011.

205
In
one
intriguing
study
Christy M. Buchanan and Robyn Waizenhofer, “The Impact of Interparental Conflict on Adolescent Children: Considerations of Family Systems and Family Structure,” in
Couples in Conflict,
ed. Alan Booth, Ann C. Crouter, and Mari Clements (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2001), 156.

205
“In
fact,
the
more
frequently
the
teenager
dated”
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
178–79.

205
“At
least
there
are
coaches
for
breast-feeding”
Susan McHale, interview with the author, September 12, 2012.

205
“
One
parent
is
the
softie”
Andrew Christensen, interview with the author, May 18, 2011.

207
a
large,
renowned
longitudinal
study
by
the
University
of
Michigan
I am deeply indebted to U. J. Moon of the Maryland Population Research Center for her original synthesis of data provided by the University of Michigan study. The raw data from which U.J. derived her numbers can be found in the Panel Study of Income Dynamics, 2002 public use dataset, produced and distributed by the Institute for Social Research, Survey Research Center, University of Michigan (2012).

207
adolescent
girls
and
boys
both
direct
Darling et al., “Aggression During Conflict.” See also Nancy Darling et al., “Within-Family Conflict Behaviors as Predictors of Conflict in Adolescent Romantic Relations,”
Journal of Adolescence
31 (2008): 671–90.

207
mothers
are
also
more
likely
than
fathers
to
quarrel
Steinberg,
Crossing Paths,
200.