All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood (35 page)

83  
compared
the
moment-to-moment
well-being
of
women
Daniel Kahneman et al., “The Structure of Well-being in Two Cities: Life Satisfaction and Experienced Happiness in Columbus, Ohio, and Rennes, France,” in
International Differences in Well-being
, ed. Ed Diener, Daniel Kahneman, and John Helliwell (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2010).

84  
“spend
less
of
the
afternoon
driving
children”
Daniel Kahneman,
Thinking, Fast and Slow
(New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2011), 394.

85  
feel
like
they
don’t
have
enough
time
for
themselves
Bianchi et al.,
Changing Rhythms,
135.

85  
“unentitlement”
Cowan and Cowan,
When Partners Become Parents,
196.

89  
“you
often
get
all
these
attributions”
Philip and Carolyn Cowan, interviews with the author, February 2, 2011, and March 10, 2011.

91  
all
it
takes
for
a
couple
to
start
fighting
Michael Lewis,
Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood
(New York: W. W. Norton, 2009), 11, 13.

91  
solution
to
these
excesses
is
to
emulate
the
French
Druckerman,
Bringing up Bébé
.

91  
“consumer
parenting”
See, for example, William J. Doherty,
Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart
(New York: Guilford Press, 2001), 53.

93  
couples
who
had
hashed
out
divisions
of
labor
during
pregnancy
Cowan and Cowan,
When Partners Become Parents,
176.

chapter three

95  
“He
loves
to
see
his
son’s
wit”
Michael Ondaatje,
The English Patient
(New York: Vintage Books, 1992), 301.

98  
“There
is
a
certain
part
of
all
of
us”
Milan Kundera,
Immortality,
trans. Peter Kussi (New York: HarperCollins, 1990), 4.

99  
“boundless
and
unwearied
in
giving”
C. S. Lewis,
The Four Loves
(Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 1991), 8.

101
“this
childish
uninhibitedness”
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
72.

102
“gnashed
their
terrible
teeth”
Maurice Sendak,
Where the Wild Things Are
(New York: HarperCollins, 1988).

102
“writers
as
diverse
as
Wordsworth
and
Freud”
Phillips,
Going Sane,
92.

103
He quotes the analyst Donald Winnicott
Ibid., 81.

103
“mad in the best sense of the word”
Ibid.

103
“For Winnicott the question was not”
Ibid., 79.

104
“despite
the
proliferation
of
contrived
metrics”
Matthew B. Crawford,
Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work
(New York: Penguin, 2009), 8.

105
the
overwhelming
majority
of
Americans
Harris Interactive Poll, “Three in Ten Americans Love to Cook, While One in Five Do Not Enjoy It or Don’t Cook,” July 27, 2010, available at: http://www.harrisinteractive.com/vault/HI-Harris-Poll-Cooking-Habits-2010-07-27.pdf (accessed on April 10, 2013).

105   “
the
experience
of making things and fixing things”
Crawford,
Shop Class as Soulcraft,
3–4.

105
“things” and “devices”
Ibid., 65–66.

106
“
inherently
instrumental, or pragmatically oriented”
Ibid., 68.

106
the
minds
of
babies
and
young
children
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
157–58.

107
the
time
he
took
one
of
his
sons
to
the
beach
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, interview with the author, July 25, 2011.

108
asking
pointless
questions
is
the
true
specialty
of
children
Gareth B. Matthews,
The Philosophy of Childhood
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1996), 5.

108
“It
sharpens
the
mind
by
narrowing
it”
Quoted in Oliver Wendell Holmes, “Brown University—Commencement 1897,” in
Collected Legal Papers,
ed. Harold J. Laski (New York: Harcourt, Brace, and Howe, 1920), 164.

108
“That
is
hard
for
adults“
Matthews,
Philosophy of Childhood,
18.

108
“What,
then,
is
time?”
Quoted in ibid., 13.

109
“Papa, how can we be sure that everything is not a dream?”
Ibid., 17.

109
asked his mother on the car ride home
Ibid., 28.

109
“philosophy is an adult attempt to deal”
Ibid., 13.

109
“If
it
cannot
answer
so
many
questions”
Quoted in Gareth B. Matthews,
Philosophy and the Young Child
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1980), 2.

111
Gift-love
and
Need-love
Lewis,
The Four Loves,
1.

112
“we
love
them
because
we
care
for
them”
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
243.

113
“There
is
something
in
each
of
us”
Lewis,
The Four Loves,
133, 135.

114
“There
are
many
ways
to
approach
that
ideal”
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
243.

chapter four

117
“Profound
must
be
the
depths
of
the
affection”
Edward S. Martin,
The Luxury of Children and Some Other Luxuries
(New York: Harper & Brothers, 1904), 135.

119
“
overscheduled
kids”
Doherty interview. See also William Doherty and Barbara Z. Carlson, “Overscheduled Kids and Underconnected Families,” in
Take Back Your Time: Fighting Overwork and Time Famine in Families,
ed. J. de Graaf (San Francisco: Berritt Koehler, 2003), 38-45.

120
“accomplishment
of
natural
growth”
Annette Lareau,
Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 2003), 3.

120
“Concerted cultivation . . . places intense labor demands”
Ibid., 13.

120
“Unlike in working-class and poor families”
Ibid., 171, 175.

122
mothers
still
spent 3.7 fewer hours per week
Bianchi, “Family Change,” 27, 29.

126
“a
time
of
deficiency
and
incompleteness”
Steven Mintz,
Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2004), 3.

126   i
t was not uncommon for . . . colonists to call their newborns “it”
Zelizer,
Pricing the Priceless Child,
25.

126
“
Children
suffered
burns”
Mintz,
Huck’s Raft,
17, 20.

127
Americans hardly started with the notion that children
Ibid., 3, 77, 80, 90.

127
children
already
were integral to the farm economy
Ibid., 135.

127
children
were
more
likely
to
earn
money
for
their
families
Zelizer,
Pricing the Priceless Child,
59.

127
the wages of teenage boys often exceeded those of their dads
Mintz,
Huck’s Raft,
136.

128
Childhood as we think of it today
Ibid., 3.

128
that
strange
custom
we
all
know
as “the
allowance”
Zelizer,
Pricing the Priceless Child,
104.

128
“The useful labor of the nineteenth century”
Ibid., 97, 98.

128
“economically worthless but emotionally priceless”
Ibid., 14.

128
a “filiarchy,”
or
culture
in
which
kids
run
the
show
William H. Whyte, “How the New Suburbia Socializes,”
Fortune
(August, 1953), 120.

129
“Middle-class
children
. . .
argue
with
their
parents”
Lareau,
Unequal Childhoods,
13, 153.

129
“The very same skills parents encourage in their children”
Ibid., 111.

131
In
1990
Sugar
Land
was
79
percent
white
For Sugar Land demographics, see US Census Bureau, “State and County QuickFacts, Sugar Land, Texas,” available at: http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/48/4870808.html (accessed April 19, 2013).

133
the “Top
10
Percent
Rule”
Texas House bill 588 (1997).

133
in
fact,
they
make
up
just
31
percent
Mary Lou Robertson, Fort Bend Independent School District, communication with the author, May 18, 2012.

134
Duke
University
Talent
Identification
Program
For information on TIP, see the Duke University website, http://www.tip.duke.edu (accessed April 19, 2013).

135
“In
other
societies,
where
parents
were
bringing
up
children”
Margaret Mead,
And Keep Your Powder Dry: An Anthropologist Looks at America
(New York: Berghahn Books, 2000), 63.

135
“The American parent expects his child to leave him”
Ibid., 24.

136
“autumnal”
Ibid., 28.

136
“We find new schools of education”
Ibid., 64, 65.

137
“all one can do is make him strong”
Ibid., 25.

137
“that
all
young
people
should
follow”
Mintz,
Huck’s Raft,
383.

138
“Parenting
[is]
not
simply
about
raising
a
child”
Nora Ephron,
I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
(New York: Vintage, 2006), 58.

138
the
Immigration and Nationality Act
of
1965
Immigration and Nationality Act, P.L. 89-236, 79 Stat. 911 (1965).

139
more
African
American . . . and
not
quite
as
well-to-do
US Census Bureau, “American FactFinder,” available at: http://factfinder2.census.gov/faces/nav/jsf/pages/index.xhtml (accessed April 21, 2013).