Your Brain on Porn (8 page)

Research in humans also suggests that too much stimulation weakens pair bonds. According

to a 2007 study, mere exposure to numerous sexy female images causes a man to devalue his real-life partner
.[31]
He rates her lower not only on attractiveness, but also on warmth and intelligence. Also, after pornography consumption, subjects of both sexes report less satisfaction with their intimate partner – including the partner's affection, appearance, sexual curiosity and performance
.[32]
And both men and women assign increased importance to sex without emotional involvement.

(Day 125) I am in a long-term relationship, and I can vouch for the fact that quitting
helped our sex life.
A lot.
I had no ED or PE or any other kind of sex-related problems, but
compared to what we have now, our sex life while I was fapping was ....
dull
. Now it is
anything but dull, and both of us have stronger libidos than before. I am not exactly sure how
– or if – my quitting affected
her
libido, but she sure is much more interested in sex now :).

*

(Age 50) Over the years, I suggested to my wife various activities straight out of porn
stories. She was okay with some of them, but it never satisfied at all. Although we had a
decent sex life relative to most people our age, I was always comparing the porn scenarios
with my real life and real wife and feeling dissatisfied. Now, things are shifting. During
intercourse last night, I felt suddenly very intimate, almost scarily intimate, deep contact I
have never experienced before. It felt kind of shocking to me. It was wonderful in a way I
can't describe, but I am in a kind of awe over it.

*

(Age 19) Even though I watched porn I was never really one to want sex. TWO guys
managed to grab my interest. However, I think porn/masturbation was suppressing my longing

to be with either of them. Since quitting, I suddenly had this intense realization that I really
like those two, and I could see myself completely happy in a committed relationship with
either. Suddenly it felt like...my heart was reaching out for them. Instead of daydreaming, my
body was like, ‘Let's go make this happen in real life.’ All of a sudden I felt this huge wave of
some weird attraction-type energy surge over me. [He soon began a relationship with one of

the men.]

*

(Age 30) In the past, sex wasn't emotional. On some level it was like nobody else was there

because I was in my own head the whole time for one reason or another (fantasizing, DE

issues, etc...). Girlfriends during my mid 20's to early 30's just didn't arouse me anywhere
close to what highspeed porn offered, no matter how good they looked. I didn't recognize
these things at the time of course, but since beginning this journey 4 month
s
ago, I can
honestly say I'm shocked how good sex can be with your girlfriend when you eliminate the
constant, steady pattern of porn use.

*

(200 days) I now have an undeniable sex drive. I want my wife more than ever. If a long

time passes without sex, I feel this thing called 'sexual tension', which is apparently real. I
notice things I never noticed before. Hair tossing, quick glances, breathing patterns, body
language. It is a different world. And let me tell you – when you get to this point, you really
won't care about whatever super-specific porno fetishes you thought were the only thing you

could get off to, because just the word WOMAN (or man or whatever) will make you feel
urges.

*

(Day 90) My bad habit of seeing only the beauty in women automatically shifted. Right
now I want to go out there and find a mate. My sexual desire has never been higher, and I'm

more observant towards women who could become good girlfriends and eventually good

mothers. It's not entirely about their beauty anymore.

*

Before realizing that porn was the problem, I used to think I needed to get healthier
fantasies. Now, almost 8 months after quitting porn, I'm finding that the fantasies I used to
have don't appeal to me anymore...at all. What I found is that my wife and I both enjoy sex

much, much more when there is no fantasy involved; just the two of us in the moment. I'm now

able to make love to her without erectile issues, face-to-face with eye contact.

Social anxiety, self-esteem

As users manage to abstain from porn, their desire to connect with others generally surges.

Often, so does their self-esteem, their ability to look others in the eye, their sense of humour, their optimism, their attractiveness to potential mates, and so forth. Even those formerly suffering from severe social anxiety often explore new avenues for social contact: smiling and joking with

work colleagues, online dating, meditation groups, joining clubs, nightspots, and so forth. In some cases it takes months, but for others the shift is so rapid that it catches them by surprise.

YBOP wasn't alone in chronicling this unexpected connection. In his famous TED talk “The

Demise of Guys”, well known psychologist Phillip Zimbardo noted that ‘arousal addiction’

(porn, video games) is a major factor in the increase in social awkwardness and anxiety and among digital natives.

Zimbardo's hypothesis is that excessive screen time interferes with development of normal

social skills. Clearly this is so
.[33]
[34]
However, this doesn't explain the increase in confidence and extraversion after quitting, or why some guys improve so quickly.

In
The Brain That Changes Itself
, psychiatrist Norman Doidge suggests that the intense stimulation of today's porn hijacks and rewires ‘brain real estate’ that would otherwise be devoted to making social ties rewarding. Real people become less rewarding; fake people become far more enticing. Perhaps removing porn re-opens the space for natural rewards such

as friends and partners. In the next chapter, I'll highlight the specific brain changes that help account for the link between social anxiety and porn use:

Now that I look back at my life there has ALWAYS been connection between porn

consumption, masturbation and my social anxiety. Before porn, I had a lot of friends, a couple
of girlfriends, and I felt like I was on the top of the world. There was nothing that could bring
me down. I felt like I had my own way to react to everything that could happen. Then I got a

new computer... After a year or two I found myself in REALLY deep social anxiety, combined

with too much pot and nothing interesting to do with my life.

*

I'm not your generic self-diagnosed socially awkward penguin. I've been to a psychiatrist,

diagnosed with moderate to severe social-anxiety and was put on medication. I know about
the adrenaline rush you get when a stranger gets near you, the almost heart attack you feel

when you try to talk during a class or a meeting (as if you ever do), the long lonely walks you
take not to deal with strangers, the unfounded shame when you look another person in the
eye, the huge wall you put between strangers. Sweating, trembling, panic attacks, self hate,
suicidal impulses, I've been through it all. I've been attempting quitting for two years now
and this is the longest I've abstained. I no longer experience the ‘torture’ I described above.

No I'm not a new person, not a social butterfly. I'm still myself but I'm free of the shackles we
call social phobia. In this past two years I've made more connections, hit on more women,
made more friends than I did in my first 25 years. I feel content and comfortable in my own

skin, and the wall I put between myself and other people has crumbled.

*

Social interaction. I was completely afraid of it and incapable of it 50 days ago. In the
past week or so, I have interacted incredibly smoothly and effortlessly with people with whom

I would have been unable to interact with while using. I used to be unable to look people in

the eyes. I used to purposefully hide from people I knew in public so as to avoid awkward
conversation. I wasn't able to be invested in the conversation. Women, even those I knew
personally, would intimidate me. I would fantasize throughout the day about being able to
interact like a normal human... All of this is now changing before my eyes in a most drastic

way. I can interact with confidence; be myself. I can hold an unbreakable gaze into other
people's eyes. I am actually part of the conversation, as opposed to being aloof and thinking

about leaving it.

*

New people I meet tell me they like my confidence and they think I'm a good speaker,
compliments I would've never expected to hear just a few months ago.

*

My interactions with females are completely transformed. It seems there is some

unconscious recognition that you have more power or something. It's hard to explain.

Females are complimenting me on my looks and body. My awareness around social situations

is much better. I can read people's body language better. People cannot intimidate me as
before. I feel that their anger just bounces off me, and I stay in a serene state.

Inability to concentrate

Those who reboot commonly report that they have ‘better concentration’, ‘no more brain fog’, ‘clearer thinking’ and ‘improved memory’. Addiction neuroscientists have repeatedly shown that internet addiction produces memory, concentration and impulse-control problems in

some users, as well as corresponding brain changes.
[35]
For example, researchers found that the severity of ADHD symptoms correlates with the severity of internet addiction, even when they

take into account anxiety, depression and personality traits
.[36]
And, as we'll see later, German researchers recently confirmed that moderate porn use, even by non-addicts, correlates with shrunken grey matter in regions of the brain associated with cognitive function.
[37]

When I was [using internet porn] I had brain fog or a constant hung-over-like feeling,
which made it hard for me to concentrate, talk to people or just do my everyday tasks. After 7-10 days without porn this feeling went away. My mind became very clear, thoughts easily
controllable, and I became much more relaxed in general.

*

I am 34 and went on Adderall for the first time a few months ago. 2 months after quitting

porn, I really don't even need it anymore. Some of the benefits I have experienced: I can
retain and remember information a lot better. I remember events in my past life a lot better. I
am not irritable, and am more focused. I can execute tasks a lot faster.

*

Another result: my writing is much better. I don't mean handwriting (though that got
better too). I mean word choice, sentence structure, etc. During my first year of graduate
school (which I just finished), writing was a real chore. Now, after no-porn, it's a pleasure. So
easy and free. I have more words at my disposal, probably because my memory has improved

in general.

*

Memory – I always had a good one, but quitting put it through the roof. I could enter a

room of 15 people and learn + recall specifically all their phone numbers in under 5 min.

Marks perfect. Social anxiety and BS negative thinking – > out with the trash.

*

For those of you who are in uni, NoFap is a miracle for the brain. Before, I used to have

to force myself to concentrate in class and would still end up ‘zoning out’. Now, I can
concentrate in a 3-hour lecture with almost no issues (it's still improving).

Depression, low energy, discouragement

Scientists now view depression as a condition of low energy and little motivation. Recent research confirmed that the ‘go get it!’ neurochemical dopamine is the main player.
[38]
In fact, impaired/restored dopamine signalling may be behind many of the symptoms/improvements

reported by recovering users. Again, I'll have a lot more to say about that in the next chapter:.

I'm finding I experience depression and feelings of worthlessness far less often. I'm able

to get up more easily in the morning and find the motivation to do the bloody dishes more
often before going to bed.

*

I'm happier. Much, much happier. I typically suffer from SAD and was diagnosed with
minor clinical depression a few years back, but this autumn/winter I'm feeling great. I have

more energy.