Your Brain on Porn (19 page)

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I sometimes feel hornier in the days following orgasm. At such times, I also have strong

feelings of attraction for other women.

Some guys also notice a chaser effect after a wet dream; others don't. In any case, these intense, often unexpected cravings after orgasm can throw an unwary rebooter into a binge:

After rebooting I hooked up. We headed to bed. I start tearing clothes off and I'M HARD

STRAIGHT AWAY (woohoo!). We have sex for about 2 and a half hours, which HAS to be a
record for me. But I experienced the dreaded chaser effect. I was so horny the next morning

that I jerked off while she was in the shower. I felt really depressed later that day. In fact, I
masturbated quite a few times.

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After three months pornfree, my new girlfriend and I got each other off, and now, a day or

two later, I'm definitely noticing powerful urges to masturbate and look at porn again. It
seems so contradictory, but it's happening. I'm masturbating more and I even looked at
homemade porn yesterday.

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I noticed that after bingeing on porn, you really need to push yourself to get back on track

because orgasm makes you hornier. The first three days are difficult.

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I don't have any problems getting laid, but I chose to do my last 30 days or so on hard
mode [without partnered sex]. So worth it, and I didn't have to mind the chaser effect, which

can be ever so tiresome.

The chaser is probably an amplified version of the natural neurochemical swings that can follow any climax:

After the relapse, the next two days were very difficult. I had extreme difficulty focusing. I
could really feel the dopamine withdrawal in my head as my brain felt really slow and numb.

My words were slurred and I had difficulty communicating. The urge to masturbate and have

sex were a lot stronger than before.

Happily, sometimes the chaser can help kick-start libido after a long flatline:

The morning of day 68, something very strange happened which I never experienced as a

teen: a wet dream. Looking back on this event now from 91 days, I feel like it was the
changing point for me, almost like a re-birth. Since then I really started to see the benefits of
rebooting. I'm more energised and my ED seems to have cleared up.

People sometimes report that the chaser effect eases over time as the brain continues to finds

its balance after rebooting. In fact, the disappearance of extreme chasers can be a sign that the rebooting process is progressing:

Ever since I masturbated Sunday night with my first full blown hard-on using minimal
stimulation, no fantasy and surprising endurance to orgasm, I have been feeling a bit more
energized and horny. Clear-headed, no real chaser. It's safe to say I am on the upswing.

This husband found a particularly good use for his chaser:

Being that we just made sweet love last night, my wife decided to tip toe down the hall,

and see what I was looking at this morning. (She knows about the chaser effect.) So I did as

any warrior would do. I showed her exactly what the chaser effect really is! I chased her into
the bedroom to demonstrate that I only chase HER now. Left late for work...Worth it!

Disturbing dreams, flashbacks

People often remark that they recall their dreams better after quitting. This can be enjoyable

or not:

Since I started with nofap, one of the things I have noticed is that my dreams are back.

When I was fapping like crazy during the last 10 years, I honestly didn't have one single
dream, or only a few.

Vivid dreams seem to be a normal part of the mental housecleaning process of unhooking.

Often people dream they are relapsing as the brain tries to activate familiar brain loops, but eventually such dreams fade.

I've been having the most f--ked up dreams, the sort of shit I don't feel comfortable telling

anyone about. I understand it's just my mind working its way through withdrawal, but I hope

it ends soon. I could really go for a good night's sleep again.

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I had insane dreams again. Some definitely pornographic. But I'm not even aroused by it.

My brain is sorting junk out.

Porn flashbacks, too, are common during rebooting, and they can cause extreme distress:

There are so many times I can't see a stranger or friend for who they are. I just see flashes

of them naked, girls or guys. I totally understand that normal people fantasise about someone

they really like (a teenager boy who can't pay attention in class because he's thinking of how
his teacher looks naked, for instance). So it's not the fact that I'm mentally undressing people
that's upsetting. It's the fact that it happens SO OFTEN and in response to such random
occurrences, triggers and unwanted triggers. Even when I don't find the person attractive, or

I don't want to find them attractive. Such as elderly people or younger children. My mind is

just so on the fritz. I can deal with it if I'm just passing someone on the street and can quickly
snap back and forget about it. But if it's someone I'm actually engaging in a conversation
with it almost escalates in a panic attack. I end the conversation quickly and find a quiet
place like a bathroom or go on a walk to calm myself down. It sometimes feels as if someone

is controlling how I think and I have no say in it. My old porn mind is what's driving it I
think.

Best to treat flashbacks like dreams. That is, regard them as mental housecleaning rather than

evidence that the reboot isn't working. Just acknowledge them and let them pass without assigning them any meaning. Note: Those with OCD tendencies may have a harder time

dismissing flashbacks. They assign significance where there is none.

Shame cycle

Many of today's internet porn users grew up with online erotica and are quite blasé about its

use. If they feel shame, it's about their inability to control use, not about porn content or use.

Their shame evaporates as they regain control.

However, if your porn use is associated in your mind with parental/spousal/religious

shaming, threats or punishment – or tangled up with rigid ideas about masturbation – then you may need help reframing your porn use and your self-image. Interestingly, forbidden activities can be unnaturally arousing.

Dopamine rises sharply – especially in teens – when anticipating doing something novel or

taking a risk, including doing something forbidden. This neurochemical spur urged our

adolescent ancestors to risk embarking for new territories and avoid inbreeding. This makes ‘forbidden fruit taste sweetest.’ To repeat, research shows that anxiety actually increases arousal
.[177]

With all that extra dopamine screaming, ‘Yes!’ it's easy for the primitive reward circuitry of

the brain to
overvalue
condemned activities. They register as hyper-arousing, which means they
also
offer temporary comforting oblivion when feelings of shame strike. This explains how some users fall into a ‘shame-binge-shame’ cycle.

It would be reckless to claim that the full story is known, as far as the brain chemistry of addiction is concerned. But this biological frame of neuroplasticity – and the computer analogy

in the idea of rebooting – gets much closer to the facts of the matter than either conservative angst about sexuality per se or liberal complacency about the innate harmlessness of porn.

Interestingly, people (including religious ones) on the forums we monitor often make rapid progress in rebooting after they re-frame their porn challenge in
biological
terms. They learn how dopamine drives risky behaviours and why chronic overstimulation causes a rebound effect

that actually makes cravings and distress worse, thus increasing the ‘need’ for self-medicating with more porn:

I no longer see my addiction as the influence of demons or the natural expression of my

wicked sinful heart, but as a very human, very natural (albeit misplaced) desire for sexual
intimacy. It was a bad habit, reinforced by neurochemicals, but nothing mysterious or
ethereal. I realized that I already had the power to control my actions. And so I did. I realized
that the life I wanted to lead was incompatible with porn use, so I made that decision.

‘Simply’ doesn’t mean easily, of course.

Success in this area has given me the confidence to tackle other challenges. Since I’ve
started this 90-day streak, I’ve lost over 20 pounds; I’ve started swing dancing; I joined a
band; and I’m seeing a girl. I’m not talking about superpowers here. All this potential was
already inside of me, trapped behind my porn habit. I have more confidence. I love myself. I

look in the mirror, and I don’t feel regret. I think this is how normal people feel. I hate the
amount of time I’ve wasted feeling guilty and ashamed, but I now look forward with a clear

conscience. I love my life.

The key seems to be to channel lots of energy into constructive action and self-compassion –

and away from excruciating, yet arousing, inner battles.

Common Pitfalls

Edging

What derails more reboots than any other factor? Edging. That is, masturbating up to the edge

of orgasm, repeatedly, without climaxing (often while watching something arousing on the internet). This practice is not uncommon on ‘nofap’ forums where people sometimes persuade themselves that ejaculation is the main problem and internet porn is secondary.

A rebooter explains why edging is unwise:

Instead of achieving orgasm and ending it, you train your brain to be bathing in arousing

neurochemicals for hours. It's the worst thing you can do, bar none. The worst. I think most of
us weren't addicted to porn, but rather to edging to porn.

In men, edging stresses the prostate. Also, it does not prepare you well for sex with a real

person. It's typically tied to prolonged visual stimulation, rapid-fire novelty, clicking from scene to scene, and your own hand (or sex toy).

Dopamine is at its peak when on the verge of orgasm. Therefore edging also keeps dopamine

as high as it can naturally go, perhaps for hours. The brain is getting strong signals to strengthen the associations between arousal and whatever the viewer is watching, be it fetish or merely screen. Chronically elevated dopamine also risks causing addiction-related brain changes, such

as the decreasing sensitivity to pleasure.

In the pre-internet days, guys would usually masturbate, orgasm and be done with it within a

matter of minutes. At orgasm, prolactin rises, which drops dopamine to baseline levels and inhibits its release. That normally spells some relief for sexual frustration. Placing your foot on the dopamine gas, without ever hitting the brake (prolactin) results in a continuous state of cravings without satisfaction:

What really got me going down the porn death path was when I changed my habit from
doing it
for the orgasm
to doing
it for the sensation leading up to
the orgasm.

Be aware that, at first, you may not find a single climax without porn satisfying, just as you

may not find masturbation without porn stimulating enough to climax. This is because your brain

is not feeling rewards normally. That can work in your favour while your brain is rebalancing

itself. More than one recovering user has commented that once he stopped viewing porn, the urge

to masturbate eased a lot, because without porn, masturbation was not that interesting. No need

to force yourself to climax. Be patient.

Fantasising

Research on mental imagery indicates that fantasising or imagining an experience activates

many of the same neural circuits as performing it
.[178]
In other words, fantasising over hook-up apps or escort ads reinforces your sensitized (addiction-related) pathways, which are looking for their jollies from internet-based novelty.

Most people report that avoiding fantasy early in a reboot is very helpful – including during

sex with a partner – because avoidance actually reduces cravings. However, if someone has little sexual experience, it may
eventually
be helpful to engage in realistic fantasy about real potential partners in order to help rewire the brain to real people (instead of screens). After all, humans have been engaging in sexual fantasy for eons.