Your Brain on Porn (15 page)

Through trial and error, rebooters have discovered that ‘artificial sexual stimulation’ refers to more than internet porn. Surfing Facebook, YouTube, or dating or erotic services sites for images is like an alcoholic switching to lite beer: counterproductive. In short, artificial sexual stimulation includes anything your brain might use in the way it has been using porn: cam2cam erotic encounters, sexting, reading erotica, friendfinder apps, fantasizing about porn scenarios ... you get the idea.

The goal now is to seek your pleasure from interacting with real people without a screen between

you, and awaken your appetite for life and love. At first, your brain may not perceive real people as particularly stimulating in comparison with the novelty-at-a-click furnished by internet porn.

However, as you consistently refuse to activate the porn pathways in your brain, your priorities gradually shift. Rebooters make all kinds of interesting discoveries:

I actually went a full 6 months without even visiting a porn site. When I next saw one I

was surprised by how cheesy and corny porn looked. Since then I really haven't had much
interest in watching it. Porn is to sex what looking at a photograph of a Ferrari is to driving
one.

*

When I got back from a conference yesterday I was exhausted physically and mentally. But

this time I discovered an inner reservoir of energy I never expected to find. The sex was
incredible, passionate, and unbelievable. I felt like I was 20 years old all over again. After 5

years of being ‘too tired’ to have sex in times like these I now know the problem isn't about

fading chemistry with my wife but about wasting my sexual energy fapping to porn all the
time.

Initially the rebooting process is challenging. Your brain is counting on you to supply the artificially intense ‘fix’ of dopamine (and other neurochemicals) it has adapted to through porn use. It can get very testy when its fix is not forthcoming when it summons you with a craving. However, freedom lies in allowing it to return to normal sensitivity and weaken any addiction pathways. Only then will you be truly free to set your own priorities without loud neurochemical signals stressing you and overriding your choices.

One guy described the process this way:

When you remove a source of pleasure from the brain, it is like taking away the leg of a

table. The whole thing becomes rocky and unstable. The brain has two options: one, to make

you hurt like hell in every way it can think of to 'encourage' you to put the table leg back
again, or two, to accept that the table leg is really gone, and figure out how to rebalance
without it. Of course, it tries Option One first. Then, after a while, it gets to work on Option
Two, all while still pushing Option One. Eventually, it seems like the brain rebalances,
giving up on Option One, and fully succeeding at Option Two.

In this chapter we'll start with standard tips that rebooters frequently share with each other. Then we'll look at the most common rebooting challenges and pitfalls. Finally, we'll address a few questions that often come up.

Keep in mind that brains, histories and circumstances vary. There is no magic bullet that works

well for everyone. Pick and choose the tips that might serve you in retraining your brain. Do not get caught up in, ‘am I doing this right?’ It is you who decide the length and parameters of your reboot, depending on your goals and current situation. Many rebooters (without porn-induced ED) aim for 100 days or three months, broken up into shorter interim goals. Those with ED sometimes need far

longer.

A reboot is your laboratory. If your plan isn't producing the results you want, adjust. Recognize that it often takes a couple of months to know if any particular approach is working, so unless you have fallen back into bingeing on pornography, stay your chosen course for a couple of months at least.

It's amazing what you learn doing this. I think I now fully understand the saying that
'knowledge is power.' Once you know how something works and how it affects you, it's much

easier to muster the willpower to make a change if you wish.

Word to the wise: Rebooting doesn't guarantee that a person who has had porn problems can safely return to internet porn in the future. Many guys learn this the hard way. They assume their recovered erections mean they can use porn or porn substitutes, only to end up with ED again. Deeply etched porn pathways can easily spring back to life.

Recommended Suggestions

Here are some of the most familiar tips I see on the recovery forums:

Managing access

Remove all porn

Delete all porn from your devices. It can be a wrench, but this action sends your brain the

signal that your intention to change is ironclad. Remember to delete back-ups and the trash. Also get rid of all bookmarks to porn sites as well as your browser history.

One guy claimed to have ‘heirloom porn’ that he absolutely could not part with. He burned it

to a disk, wrapped it, duct-taped the packet like it contained the proprietary formula for Coca—

Cola, and stored it in an inconvenient, out of sight location. Once he recovered he chucked it away.

Move your furniture around

Environmental cues associated with use can be powerful triggers because they themselves release dopamine. This fires up anticipation and activates sensitised addiction pathways. Drug

addicts are told to avoid friends, neighbourhoods and activities associated with previous use.

You can’t avoid yourself or move, but you can make some changes, and then take care not to

use porn in the new configuration. For example, consider using your online devices only in a less private location, which you don't associate with porn use. Or transform your ‘porn space’

environment. Get rid of your ‘masturbation chair’ or simply move your furniture around, as this

guy did:

The reorientation of my apartment has been wonderful as I don't feel any of the same
associations that I did in the past set-up. It's weird how moving everything a few feet and
turning items a few degrees can change the energy surrounding your attachment.

More ideas:

I put my desktop computer away. It's the one I've masturbated on for years, and it's the

one that's least reliable with the filtering. I don't use it for anything but porn and wasting
time. I can finish all I need to get done on my laptop.

*

I converted my desk into a standing desk, which has worked miracles on my poor internet

browsing habits. Since I'm not comfortably sitting in a chair my computer usage has been
reduced to things I need to do instead of whatever I want.

Consider a porn blocker and an ad blocker

Porn blockers are not fail-proof. They are like speed-bumps. They give you time to realize

that you're about to do what you really don't want to do. Early in the process of recovery, before the self-control mechanisms in your brain are restored to full working order, blockers can be quite helpful. Eventually, you won't need them.

Free porn blockers are available at these sites:

- Qustodio - http://www.qustodio.com/index2

- K-9 – http://www1.k9webprotection.com

- Esafely.com – http://www.esafely.com/home.php

- OpenDNS – http://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/

I highly recommend OpenDNS or some other kind of web filtering service, especially if it

comes with a 3-minute delay before new settings take effect. That way, even if you falter, the 3

minutes give you enough time to realize you really don't want to do this, and unset those
settings. Block all sexual categories, all dating categories and all blog categories. Tumblr is
a really sneaky one you can't afford to let loose.

Note: If you are a videogamer, using a porn-blocker can be risky. Your brain is accustomed

to getting some of its dopamine hits from finding ways around obstacles. You may unthinkingly

treat the porn blocker like just another videogame quest. If this happens, delete your porn blocker and try extinction training (below) or some other approach.

In any case, consider using an ad blocker. That way you won't have to see wiggling images in

your sidebar when making holiday plans or ordering vitamins. Many guys find ad blockers extremely helpful in warding off temptation. ‘AdblockPlus’ is free.

Consider a day-counter

Various forums offer free day-counters. Beneath each post you make a bar graph appears showing your progress to your goal, and it updates itself automatically. Some people, particularly men, find it very satisfying to track their progress visually.

Counters get mixed reviews. The risk is that if someone slips back into porn use, he may think of his days as game points, and use his newly reduced day count to rationalise continuing to use porn for a while ‘because I won't lose many accumulated days.’ Such binges erode progress

more than isolated incidents do, so if you get a day-counter, take a long-term view. Be pleased

with your overall count of pornfree days, without rationalizing about short-term ‘scores’ or thinking it's safe to return to porn once your goal is met.

Ultimately, what matters is not days but brain balance. Brains do not all return to balance on

a set schedule, and while brains definitely need time to reboot, accumulated days aren't the whole story. Brain balance also benefits from exercise, socializing, time in nature, increased self-control, better self-care and so forth.

An alternative to setting a long day-count goal is to set mini-goals for yourself. That way you

repeatedly get a rewarding sense of achievement even as you crawl toward a longer goal.

Extinction training (not for everyone)

Remember Pavlov's dogs? You may not realize it, but Pavlov didn't just teach his dog to salivate at the sound of a bell. He later taught it to
stop
salivating to the bell by ringing the bell and then withholding meat (repeatedly).

This process is known as ‘cue extinction’. You weaken the link or pathway between a stimulus and a habitual response. Some porn users are able to use this same principle to strengthen their self-control:

(Age 16) Every time I was on my PC I would open a porn website. Once the site opened I

would turn it off so I could test how much willpower I had. Those first 2 weeks were the
hardest by far and I still don't know how I was able to do it. After 30 days clean I could tell I
was forgetting about porn. Today I've been clean for 90 days and I barely think about porn. I

feel like a new person. During this 3 months I masturbated a few times (like 5), but I never

watched porn. Getting off is just something that every teenager needs to do now and then.

If extinction training (sometimes known as Exposure Response Prevention Therapy) is too risky for you because glimpses of porn sites throw you into a binge, try an indirect approach to

strengthening your willpower first. Exercise (or any beneficial stressor) and meditation are good choices. Both are discussed below.

Support

Join a forum, get an accountability partner

Involvement in an online community where others are experimenting with giving up porn is

helpful for most people. It can inspire you, give you a place to rant, supply the good feelings that come from supporting others, and generate new tips for speeding your progress. Said one guy:

Don't fight this fight alone. In the end, you'll be the one pushing yourself to success, but

an online community can give you that little bit of extra motivation when you're at your
absolute lowest.

Sites such as NoFap.org and Reboot Nation facilitate finding accountability partners. This is

a way for you and one of your peers to support each other in more depth while still preserving

your anonymity. One-on-one support definitely speeds some people's progress.

The downside of both accountability partners and forum participation is that they are online

activities. As problematic internet porn use is an internet-based issue, you need to spend less time online, not more. While most people agree that a forum helped them during the first phase of recovery, eventually some find that a recovery forum can itself become a way to avoid real life.

At that point, some choose to check a forum only when they need encouragement.

Addiction has a social context, as does recovery. Whether you find support and recognition

online or off is less important than that you find it.

Therapy, support groups, healthcare

A good therapist who understands that behavioural addictions are as real as any other addictions can be very helpful. Some of them facilitate support groups for people struggling to