I realized at that moment Dave needed to talk about that time, because it brought bad memories for him that had to do with me. “Dave, I tell you what. Let’s just go sit at the table under the umbrella on the deck. You need to talk about that time and I will give you my full attention.”
“Thank you. That’s all that has been on my mind today. I have never been so worried about you than I was at that time. I felt like each time I left your side it would be the last possible time I would see you and man that hurt. That hurt me more than you could ever know. I saw this precious, beautiful girl wasting away in front of my eyes. Lily do you have any idea what happened during that time? Do you remember anything about it?”
“No, I’m sorry, I don’t. Do you need to tell me?”
Tears welled up in his eyes. “Yes I do. It hurt me so bad to see you in the state you were in. Honey, there were times when Ally would call me crying her eyes out because of what was happening to you. We became really close, because she and I both wanted you to get better. There were days, when your parents had to go to workshops they couldn’t miss, and they would call me to help Ally. Your Mom and Dad couldn’t stand what they were witnessing. They tried so hard to get you to come out of it. It took so much to take care of you. They put you in the hospital for a little while. Do you remember that?”
“I do remember that, they were hoping it helped me, but I feel like it made me worse.”
“It did. That’s why they brought you home. Ally would just need to leave sometimes and she nursed you so well. It killed her to see you the way you were. She would call me on those days she couldn’t get you to wake up, because she was scared. I was able to somehow get you to wake up, but I know you don’t remember any of that. I would come over and talk to you about a lot of nothing, because at least I could get a reaction out of you. I would occasionally get a weak smile, but at least that was more than just the screaming and tears, but there were those days too.”
I started crying. I had no idea I had been that out of it. “Dave I am so sorry. I had no idea I was that bad. How did I get that bad?”
“Sweetie, I think your doctor had you on too much medication. At least that is what your Mom and Dad believed. They called my Dad wondering about the medications you were put on, you were taking so much. At the time you were taking four different kinds of medicine, and I think he even had you on valium, but I don’t remember. Dad even thought it was too much; so they took you off of some of it.” I didn’t remember half of what Dave was telling me.
“Ally made sure you took care of yourself. She would sit in there with you sometimes when you were taking a shower, because she was honestly afraid you would slit your wrist with your razor. There were days when you would get up and just turn on the shower and let the bathroom turn into a sauna. I don’t know what it did for you, but you were most of the time a little more talkative to me when you would get out. There were also those days where you would be in nothing but tears and climb back into bed and not talk to me. Lily that was the most horrible time. I hope you never go through anything like that again. I hated Jace. When I think about what he put you through I still hate him. I wish I had the guts to ask you out before he did, I really wanted too, but he beat me to it. You would have never had to go through that if I wasn’t such a coward. There are times I hate myself for not stopping him.”
I had to get Dave to stop. “Dave, stop.” I took his hands as he deeply cleared his throat. “Dave, stop beating yourself up. Look, I’m here now and I’m fine. We are engaged, we’re going to get married. We’re going to be a family. There’s nothing standing in our way anymore. I’m so sorry I put you through that.”
“Lily, it wasn’t you, it was Jace. It makes me so angry. He knew what it was going to do to you, but he didn’t care. It was like he wanted to always take care of himself before even considering anyone else. In a way he was like Chance.”
“Dave, I know you hate Jace, but I don’t, because he never treated me disrespectfully or wrong or mean. I honestly believe he thought what he was doing was okay. He never meant for it to turn into anything.” I had to try and explain.
“Dave . . . Jace and I made a pact when we were together that we would make the most of each moment we had together. That’s what he was doing. He knew he didn’t have all the time in the world, but he wanted to experience everything he could in that time and I just happened to be the girl that he liked. The last night we were together, he realized what he had done and he realized what was going to happen to me, there was regret written all over his face. If he were here now, he would be apologizing from the depth of his soul for what I went through, so please don’t hate him. Hate leads to things, bad things. It can ruin a person. So please let this go. The past is the past . . .”
Dave finished my sentence. “. . . and it should never make it into our future.” He pulled me into his lap. “Lily, I love you so much. I just wish I had asked you out that first day in English 101.”
“Well it doesn’t matter now; because I’m yours forever and forever is waiting.”
Chapter 19
I believe Dave felt better after talking to me. There was so much that he had been holding in and I felt so bad for him. I never realized how bad off I was, and why he hung around as much as he did; I understand now, but didn’t then.
I knew he was there most of the time. Maybe he was right, maybe the doctor did have me on too much medication, but the fact remained that I was okay now. There was nothing that could ruin our future and he had promised me forever.
“Dave, do you want to walk with me to get the mail or do you want to stay here.”
“I’ll come with you. I love walking up the gravel drive hearing the gravel crunch under my steps.” He took my hand and led me to the mailbox. I pulled out bills, magazines, and some strange looking envelope. It had no return address on it, but it was addressed to me. We walked back down to the house, then went into the kitchen and I poured Dave and me a glass of tea.
I sat down with the mail and put the bills in Mom’s bill basket and stared at the envelope I was holding. Dave saw what I was holding.
“Lil, what’s that?”
“I’m not sure, but it’s addressed to me. I guess I need to find out.” I began opening the envelope and inside was another envelope. I let that fall out of the first and gasped. It was Jace’s handwriting. I was honestly scared to death to open it. Dave was shocked too.
“Whoa. Lily, honey, are you okay?” All I could do was nod my head yes. I picked up the envelope and turned it over and on the flap was written, in Jace’s handwriting, if anything happens to me, please send this to Lily. I slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. I guess I was expecting his ghost to come out. It was a few pages long. Dave read over my shoulder as I read it. It was dated July 3, 1992.
July 3, 1992
My Sweet Lily Grace,
If you are reading this, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I knew my time was near. I can’t explain it, I just knew.
I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You deserved so much more. I loved every moment I spent with you. I was in love with you and I will take that with me. You are one of a kind Lily Grace, thank you for allowing me your time. I wish we could have had longer. I never loved anyone but you.
This may open new wounds, but my prayer is that you have found happiness.
I stopped reading and took Dave’s hand.
He kissed me on the side of my head as I continued reading . . .
Lily, I know I left you with no understanding or explanation, but it was because I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to explain it.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and in a sense I did, but I really wanted to marry you. You are perfect and beautiful. I will honestly say I hope you don’t care. I want you to be happy. That is all I ever wanted, because I know I was very happy with you.
I was selfish. I knew I should have never started anything with you, but I’m sorry to say I don’t regret it. The only part I regret is what it did too you. I should have never put you through that. You made my life complete Lily. Thank you, I will cherish that always. I hope you have no regrets.
The day of our last date I know what I am going to have to do, but I have a feeling you already have some idea. This is not how I want to end this, Lily, but I’m going to make you suffer enough with what I have already done. I know the end is near and I don’t want it to be. I’m sorry I’m going to make you cry. That was never my intention, but I also never intended to fall so deeply in love with you. You were better than I ever deserved.
Lily I did something to try and make this not be so hard on you. I made sure you and Dave became really good friends, because I know what you mean to him and I hope you see things for what they are. If you are honest with yourself you know what he means to you too. I get the feeling y’all know each other, but you don’t remember. Give Dave a chance. I believe he loves you Lily.
I honestly hope I’ll see you again someday, but by then the world will have ended, because no world could survive without you. I hope this causes you no tears. If the Lord grants me a place I will look forward to our reunion one day. Until then my Lily Grace, may your life be all you ever wanted and may true happiness find you and take my place.
Forever Yours,
Jace
I didn’t cry. I was totally in shock as to how much he knew. It was almost like he was my angel or something, but in the process of doing his mission he fell in love with me and was never supposed to do that. It seemed against the rules. He did however point me in the right direction—towards Dave. I still to this day don’t know whether Jace was an angel or not. He sure did a lot of things an angel would do and—for him to know what he knew—what other way could you explain that. I had none.
Chapter 20
After receiving that letter from Jace, it gave me a kind of closure. There was still something I needed to do. I guess Dave had the same idea because one weekend about a month after that letter, Dave came over to get me. He had Sam with him too.
It was semi-early in the morning, around eight a.m. Sunshine was lazing happily in the sun streaming through my window onto my bed. She just barely lifted her head to see who it was and when she saw Dave she laid back down, because she was enjoying herself so much.
“Lily, we’re going on a road trip. I believe there’s something you need to do.”
I was still in my pajamas. Ally was barely awake, rubbing her eyes, but woke up fully when Sam greeted her with a kiss.
“Sam, what are you doing here so early?”
“We’re going on a trip with Lily and Dave.”
“Why can’t they go by themselves?”
“Trust me, they need us there too. Get up and get ready we have a four hour trip ahead of us.”
I looked at Dave a little dumbfounded. “Dave where are we going?”
“You’ll see when we get there. It’s a surprise.”
“Good surprise or bad surprise?”
“Depends on how you look at it. We are taking a trip back to the future?”
It was funny. Ally and I both were standing in the den. “Huh . . . what are you talking about?” It was like she and I rehearsed that because we said it perfectly in unison.
“You’ll see when we get there. Just don’t be mad at me, okay.”
I looked at Sam then. “Sam, what is Dave talking about?”
“Like he said, you’ll see when we get there. Both of you go get dressed. Dave and I will wait in here.”
“Okay.”
Ally and I went back to our rooms and before we shut our doors, just looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. I pulled out some capris and a semi-dressy cotton blouse, because I didn’t know where we were going. I put on some sandals instead of my flip-flops. I opened up my blinds and looked down in the driveway and Dave had brought his Dad’s truck. If we were going on a four-hour trip that thing was going to drink gas. I put some money in my purse and then reached for Sunshine’s gear so I could put it on her. She was raring to go when she saw that gear come out.