What do you think made him move in with Jace? He has probably heard more about what Chance did to you than you realize. Chance liked to brag about things like that. Do you believe that the only reason Dave hung out with you so much was because he was only trying to protect you. You don’t believe that for a minute and you have always known what gave Dave the defeated look that day in your dorm room. He knew he had lost his chance again to be what he really wanted to be to you. You know there has always been something about him, but you could never put your finger on it. You know how you feel when you’re with him. Why do you keep pushing it to the back of your mind? Don’t push it to the back of your mind anymore. Allow it to come forward. You know you’ll be happy. Do you have your answer yet?
Love, Lily
The next letter I wrote was the way things were that day Chance left my life for good. I started realizing things as I wrote these letters to myself.
January 20, 1993 on March of 1991
Dear Lily,
Chance took himself out of your life. I know you were happy, but I also know you were glad that you had the chance to take back the fact that you said you wanted him to die. Jace and Dave were both there. They both comforted you, they truly cared about you. You mentioned exactly how you wanted your life to be someday in the future. Do you remember what you said? You said you wanted a normal life with a normal husband and normal kids and the three bedroom house with the white picket fence and a dog in the backyard, preferably a golden retriever. Who remembered those things even a year and a half later? You know the answer to that. Dave did and do you remember what he said to you on your birthday back in October? He said he couldn’t get you the house so he opted for the golden retriever in the backyard. Would Jace have remembered that? While you two were together did he ever mention that? You know the answer to that too. Who has always been there for you and did things because of you? You know the answer to that too. Dave did those things even before Jace passed, not because he passed. Do you have your answer yet?
Love, Lily
I didn’t write in my journal every night, just when memories came to me. Some of those memories caused me pain and of course Sunshine was right there with me each night I wrote in my journal. The third letter I wrote in my journal was about the time Dave came to me after Brianna broke up with him.
January 31, 1993 on January 1992
Dear Lily,
Dave came to you today because Brianna broke up with him. You were mad at her, but why? You knew her plans to go to Law School. You also knew that she didn’t plan on keeping Dave. You also know that’s why you were always leery of her and Dave together. You didn’t want him to get hurt, but he did. Why did he come to you? He had his other fraternity brothers to talk to, but he chose you instead. You remember what you did? You put things nicely as to the reason Brianna broke up with him. Do you remember your words you said to him, because he turned them around on you later? Write those down right now and remember the two times you heard them. The first time you heard them you said them to Dave:
Sometimes an amount of time we spend with someone we care about was given to us for a reason and we’re supposed to make the most of the time we’re given and 99.9% of the time it makes us a better person. It may teach us to love better or be a better friend or it just may give us a taste of what our true love will be like.
The second time you heard them Dave was telling them to you, that day you almost took your life. I am glad you lived because you couldn’t have seen your future if you hadn’t. This is what Dave said to you: ‘Well Lily I am going to tell you something a friend of mine told me one time. Sometimes an amount of time we spend with someone we care about was given to us for a reason and we’re supposed to make the most of what time we’re given and 99.9% of the time it makes us a better person. It may teach us to love better or be a better friend or it may just give us a taste of what our true love will be like.’ What has your time with Dave felt like Lily? Can you give that up? Is he the someone you have been given an amount of time with or is he what your true love would be like? Ask yourself again; why did he come to you? Do you have your answer yet?
Love, Lily
I continued to write in my journal on the times I remembered things. I also slowly realized that I was losing my fear of losing him, because I realized how many times providence had put us together. That knowledge helped alleviate my fear, because I somehow knew I wasn’t going to lose him.
The one major time it hit home was when I remembered the day I finally came out of my room (which is the only thing it is knowingly referred to as). I wrote in my journal that day I remembered. I cried as I wrote this entry, because of what I almost did to Dave.
February 10, 1993 on October 5, 1992
Dear Lily,
How could you even think about doing that to yourself? Lucky for you Dave just happened by. Imagine what it would have done to him had he pulled up a little too late. Do you actually believe he happened by at just that time because of luck? No you don’t believe that for a minute. You were meant to be saved that day and Dave was the one that was meant to do it. Do you remember what happened the moment he touched you? He made you feel again and he allowed you to get rid of those horrible thoughts and feelings that had poisoned your mind. He sat with you on the ground, Lily, and let your tears pour.
Why do you think he was the one that finally made you feel again? Do you think that was just happenstance? Do you actually believe for one minute that Dave has been there for you because he’s just a good friend? If you do then you are unbelievably naïve, he didn’t even realize what was happening until later, but he knew before you did or before you acted like you did. God saved your life through the hands of Dave for a reason. Don’t you think you ought to listen for a change? Do you have your answer yet?!
Love, Lily
The more I wrote down things the more things became clear. Dave was not with me just because of Jace. Dave had been with me all along because we belonged together. He was the one who saved me from Chance because he saved me for himself but he didn’t know that then and neither did I, or maybe he did. He saved my life that day in October because he was saving it so I could be with him and God made sure I was saved. Dave came into my life, not by accident, but by default, because he was meant for me all along. There was one other journal entry I wrote after I realized this and the last one that I wrote in that notebook. That notebook became something else. My last journal entry was about our time at the Botanical Gardens.
March 11, 1993 on December 26, 1992
Dear Lily,
Do you remember the day after Christmas of last year? Do you remember how you greeted Dave as he came up the stairs after he had been away from you for only two days? I know you remember how it felt when he hugged you like he did. You know it wasn’t really a hug. He held you for a moment because he missed you and you did the same to him. Then you went to the Botanical Gardens. He told you of his troubled past, he had never told anyone that before. You saw how much he still hurt about it and you left your comfort zone to give him comfort, because you couldn’t stand to see how much pain that still caused him.
You helped him that day not because you felt the need to repay him, but because you felt the need to take that away from him if you possibly could, just like he wants to do for you. Admit it; it hurt you to see him hurt like that. You want to always be there for him, whenever he needs you. What else could you call that? Do you have your answer yet?! I believe you do. Now ask yourself this one more question and I will leave you to whatever your life brings you. Can you honestly tell Dave that he is still—just your best friend?
Love, Lily
P.S. You love Dave, now let it happen.
I had known this all along, there were just things that kept cropping up and there was no reason to deny it anymore. Dave was my future and now all I had to do was claim it.
Chapter 15
I had decided about Dave. He came to pick me and Sunshine up that Friday morning, because he had been doing that since I started my Kindergarten student teaching. We were at the same school. It was fun to ride to “work” with him. I could see that happening in the future. That day was absolutely beautiful, it was around seventy degrees at the beginning of the day, but all of the news channels were talking about the monumental snow storm we were supposed to get that day. Of course my mom and Dave’s mom went into Alabama snow mode. They went to the store to get bread and milk and peanut butter. For some reason that was the norm when anyone in Alabama heard the word snow, but this snowstorm was different. They said to expect snow in the range of feet instead of inches.
It was rather exciting; Alabama had never seen that much snow before, at least not in my lifetime. We were all waiting with anticipation. If it held true they would close the schools early today. Dave had already ok’d it with his parents and my parents since he was taking me too my student teaching, and would have to drop me off first before coming home, that if it was too bad for him to get back out on the road he was going to sleep on our couch.
Our parents had become friends again since they were friends in high school. It was rather weird, but they had the best time together. Hallie and Hannah and Ally had become really good friends and they were now full-fledged members of Alpha Delta Pi. They had their initiation ceremony the week before. I gave Ally my ADPi lavaliere and chain when she came home that weekend, and Mom and Dad and Sam’s mom and dad told them to immediately come home after their last class unless the roads were bad. They came back early because UNA had closed campus that Friday morning in reaction to the coming snowstorm.
Dave and I still had to go to school and be there like regular teachers until they decided to close school. Of course that’s what we would be doing when we did start teaching full time anyway. I secretly hoped that the roads would be too bad for Dave to go home so we could spend more time together. I had to talk to him. I had to tell him of my decision since I was the determining factor for us.
He stayed around like he said he would. He was better to me than I believed I deserved, but he never gave up on me and I was so thankful for that. I never had any hysterical fits again, but the lasting effects were panic attacks. I still had those occasionally. I had one the first day I started in the Kindergarten class. Mrs. Graylee was fantastic. She watched me get up and she saw the need to leave, written all over my face.
We agreed by letter that when I needed to get up and leave (she never knew what for) I would just do it and if the children asked questions, she answered by saying, “Ms. Aldridge had to take her dog out.” That was the truth because when I felt the need to leave I went right out the side door, next to her room, and sat on the steps until I could calm down and come back in. The great part about it was that Dave still had his pager and if I needed him he would be able to leave his classroom and come help me, luckily I never was that bad off.
We made it to the school that morning and the call had come down the pike. Schools were going to close at noon. I signed in and took my pass and Dave did the same. Sunshine even had a pass and I had to sign her in too. All the schedules were re-arranged because every grade had to eat lunch before school let out. The day became hectic and I started feeling panicky, because I was worried all the kids would not get home in time and I was supposed to be teaching that day. Luckily it was at the beginning of the day and all I had to do was walk out. Mrs. Graylee saw me and she did the morning routine as I walked out the door. For some reason Dave was down on the kindergarten hall, his classroom he did his student teaching in was on the third grade hall.
He saw me leave out of my classroom. “Lily, are you okay?” He caught up to me. He saw the expression on my face. “No, you’re not okay.” He walked out with me and didn’t do anything but sit there and let Sunshine work. “It’s a little too hectic this morning isn’t it.” I just nodded my head. “It’s pretty neat though, all of the kids are excited. They are going to get a half snow day at least. Lily, I have a confession; I’m hoping that the roads are too bad for me to go home after I drop you off this afternoon.”
I started laughing. “I hope they are too, I really want you to be able to stay.” I looked up from Sunshine and felt calm enough to go back in and Dave had his great smile across his face.
He offered his hand to help me up. I took it hoping I would get my time with him later, because I knew this could be his school that he taught at full-time. I didn’t want to ruin that for him. He walked me back to my room and headed back to third grade hall. I watched him stop by the lunchroom, I assumed he ended up down on kindergarten hall because he needed to get something from the lunchroom, probably lunch count sheets.