Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (9 page)

“Keep your wits about you. I know
something's nearby,” DTO says, reaching into his cloak with
caution. DTO has said what everyone else is thinking. The group
gains a quieter, more-manly demeanor as the adrenaline begins
pumping back into their beings after a long trek through the marsh.
Continuing on, DTO with his hand in cloak, IMRM doing the same with
his own, SISY reached behind to his sword, UDGD doing the same with
his axe, and Mr. Honkers, hand on that stupid little device that he
seems to think is a weapon.

The squad moves through the muck and
the mire, slowly descending into the water up to their waists, and
then back up, finally to moist ground. The area is littered with
gigantic spider webs, all stained a darkened crimson (use a
different word aside from crimson?), and holding several
brutally-mutilated corpses entwined inside them.

“Son of a bitch,” DTO says in awe as
the group takes a short pause from the walking. Mr. Honkers, as
usual, is the first to comment on anything his comrade
does.

“Pffft. Only a noob would find this
frightening! These spiders are all dweebs; they don't have any swag
like I do,” Mr. Honkers claims, further-affirming the minds of his
comrades that he is a total idiot. SISY chuckles heartily, proving
to be an uplifting character in even a place as dark as
this.

“RELAX, HONKEY! I'M SURE
THE-”

“What did you call me?!” Mr. Honkers
interrupts indignantly. SISY grins his usual way.

“HONKEY. LIKE, YOU KNOW, MR.
HONKERS.”

“H-How dare you! Are you saying you can
just adopt the slang I use?! How dare you!” Mr. Honker’s inquests
with a burning gaze of improperly placed anger. SISY smirks,
finally discovering Mr. Honker's soft spot.

“OF COURSE! WE BOTH SPEAK THE SAME
LANGUAGE, DON'T WE? WHY NOT SHARE THE SAME DIALECT?”

“B-because it's mine! It's a term of
honor and intelligence, and you can't go around being a dweeb and
talking like I do!”

“YEAH? OR WHAT?”

“O-or I'll totes smash you around and
make you so – ”

“Shut up!” UDGD interrupts the two,
wanting to hear his surroundings in some sort of peace. Mr. Honkers
sighs, rolls his eyes, and decides to leave this gross crime for
later justice. SISY just chuckles a bit; glad he could get a laugh
or two out of his ally's seriousness.

The two argumentative men were right to
have been shut up by UDGD, as they are made aware of a very-subtle
bristling sound above them in the branches; it's not just in one
place, either. All around them, there are the sounds of movement in
the dark leaves just overhead, so subtle it would have been totally
undetected if even a single natural sound was being made in the
area. The group replaces their grips on their sheathed weapons and
they wait eagerly.

After a long pause, the presences in
the trees come to the understanding that they have been found out,
and drop from the darkened branches. Falling down and landing with
manly strength are the creators of the webs and the rulers of this
vast swampy domain: The Blood-Drinking Spider Lords of Being Manly
and Hiding Under Toilet Seats Waiting for The Perfect Time to Come
Out and Bite You Right in The Butthole.

The Arachnid lords are eight-foot five,
weighing between 270 to 340 pounds, and have the rippled, badass
muscular structures of heroes. Instead of normal human heads, lay
gigantic spiders on top of the necks, eight legs spindling out in
the form of eight super-beefy arms. Their gigantic, jagged maws
display bloody, super-hardcore abominations of both fangs and human
teeth, drooling crimson red essence.

“Hey, faggots. Looks like you came to
the wrong fucking place to have your gay orgy,” the front spider
lord says, a beastkin that goes by the name of “Enjoys Eating
People While They're Still Alive Eater.”

“Naw- we actually came here jus'ta kick
your stupid spider ass,” UDGD lies, under the impression that the
pre-fight banter is almost as important to victory as one's
fighting skill. The leader of the lords laughs, causing the others
in the group, numbering about eleven, to follow suit and share in
the chuckle.

“Yeah, whatever. Hope you faggots are
ready to have your sorry asses dissolved on the inside while you
die a slow, super-painful death,” the leader says as he raises his
ten unbelievably-huge arms to grasp and tear at his foes. UDGD
makes no physical action, he just stares the boss straight in the
face.

“Cute way t' get attention. Now come
here so we c'n find out how much of a cowardly pussy you really are
before I smash your head in like the stupid bug y'are,” UDGD
threatens as he pulls out his axe. SISY by this time is, as
expected, incredibly pumped and ready to fight, so he follows the
Grim Axeman's example and draws his own weapon. The rest of the
group follows along, none of them ever having fought super-beefy
men with giant spiders for heads before. The Spider Lords stretch,
crack their knuckles, and anything else they would do right before
a meal, and then leap to engage in a simultaneously swift
movement.

ENGAGE!

The strange beasts of the swamp gnash
at UDGD, who they presume is the strongest in the group. The Spider
Lord, second to the lead, seethes his fangs into UDGD's armored
hands in an attempt to disarm him, but is met with the phenomenal
speed of IMRM, throwing his scythe through the creature’s jaws and
mangling them beyond recognition. SISY and DTO are confronted with
the behind group in the same instant, each Lord reaching to pin
them down and tear out their eyes. SISY, with his own brand of
speed and style, brandishes his blade and meets his first spidery
foe with a swift chop to the side of the head, splitting through
the spider on top of the body, sending sticky, sanguine ichor
flying from the impact. Amidst the sissyish squeal of the Spider
Lord who just had his body opened, DTO reaches into his cloak, and
withdraws a rapier that, if UDGD were to inspect it, would seem
frighteningly similar to the rapier of Heart Tearer-Outer. The
rapier user delivers bullet-fast movements of the right arm and
wrist, deflecting attacks by striking his foes at any point where
they may try to assault him or his allies. Each mistake a Spider
Lord makes in their assault is met with a painful impaling to the
face by DTO, who seems to have, if he were somehow HTO in disguise
at least, brushed up a good deal on his speed. Mr. Honkers, like
every other fight thus far, simply pulls out the device he has been
keeping in his back pocket, and frantically fiddles about with it,
as if he were still trying to discover how it works; sort of
peculiar how he doesn’t simply learn how to operate it while
they’re walking.

UDGD swings his axe with a wide
horizontal into one of the Spider Lord's spider heads, sending
arachnid blood and legs flying about, but opening himself for a
strike. One of the Lords takes advantage of this, and grabs UDGD
with five of his arms. UDGD, one of his arms pinned, releases his
axe and begins delivering maw-crushing punches into the face of his
enemy, breaking every tooth and fang. The two engage in a frantic
exchange of fists for only a second until IMRM, who was sending his
scythe through more arms, turns to split into the Spider Lord’s
body on top of UDGD. The Lord goes flying with a gurgling,
blood-choked squeal, crying just long enough for UDGD to grasp his
axe, turn, and behead the creature with Xtreme force.

By this time there is only one Spider
Lord remaining: The Boss. The Leader, having spent most of his time
attacking in tandem with the others, realizes that this fight is
lost, and points his spidery abdomen up to the trees to spin a
manly rope-like thread and escape. The Xtreme force of Manly Men,
however, will not have it. Just as the sticky mass flies out to
pull him to safety, IMRM astutely shoves his scythe between the
ascending rope and the tree above, halting his escape. DTO then
sends a perfect shot of the rapier straight into the Lord's
abdomen, causing the Lord to cringe in Xtreme pain and let out the
exact same squeal the other Lords made when they had died a manly
death. SISY follows up with a strong downward strike with his
sword, strewing five of the Lord's arms, and one of his two legs.
IMRM accommodates this with a similar movement, breaking the
webbing instantly with his incredible strength and passing through
the Lord's other limbs. The Final Spider Lord, now just a
screaming, bleeding torso with a spider head on it, convulses
violently in super Xtreme manly torment. UDGD sighs, walks up, and
says, “Told ya',” right before he lets his foot down into his foe's
face with so much force that it propels the Spider Lord's blood and
organs soaring all around the area, accommodated with a loud, deep
crunching sound. SISY, in intense euphoria, promptly throws up on
the ground accompanied by a jovial laugh.

VICTORY!

The Subspace Orchestra lets loose
wailing, radical guitars in congratulation of the man force’s
victory. The group takes a short pause, looking around the mortal
wreckage of their foes while listening to the sadistic laughter of
SISY, before UDGD turns to DTO, who has already sheathed his
weapon.

“Not bad,” UDGD says to DTO with a
blank expression, presuming that he did more than his fair share of
fighting, though he did not see him. DTO nods and smiles at
UDGD.

“Thanks, I try,” DTO says courteously,
giving a reaction that UDGD rather expected to be fairly unmanly.
SISY, who has just finished his thirty second laugh, wipes a tear
of joy from his eye and turns to DTO, who was by his side the
entire time.

“WELL DAMN! I NEVER EXPECTED SOMEONE
WHO USED A R – ”

“Rape? Yeah! You bet I raped those
spiders!” DTO says, cutting off SISY the moment he realized he was
going to say the word “Rapier.” SISY grins, looks at DTO with a
hint of curiosity, and then shrugs with a grin.

“WHATEVER YOU SAY, FRIEND!” SISY says
as he pats his friend on the shoulder. DTO smiles, nods at his
companion, and let’s out the quietest sigh of relief he has in his
entire life.

“SO, THAT WAS PRETTY XTREME, RIGHT
GUYS?!” SISY questions the others, who are visibly less excited
than he is.

“Yeah, I guess,”

“I suppose it was,”

“Whatev you say, Dweeb,”

“Eh, yeah,” the other four respond in
their own respective manners. SISY clenches his fists, and inhales
with great victory, glad to be alive in such a badass land. His
moment of awe is cut short, however, when Mr. Honkers decides to
be, well, Mr. Honkers.

“So yeah, now that you guys have
finished watching me kill those spider nerds, how about we get
something to eat? All this walking and fighting has made me pretty
hungs,” Mr. Honkers says, stretching as if tired. DTO sighs, and
taps his foot into the marshy ground impatiently.

“You gotta' be kidding. We just ate,”
UDGD says as he sheathes his axe, bloody gore and all. Mr. Honkers
grins devilishly, and sighs.

“Techno-nerd,” he begins with a cocky
tone.

“Yes?”

“I think these dweebs are not being
very cooperative to my will.”

“Oh? What would that mean?” IMRM
states.

“Obvs, you stupid robo-dork. We should
probably just go ahead and leav – ” Mr. Honkers stops his speech
the moment he hears a deep, angered sigh come from UDGD.

“Fine, do what you want,” UDGD says,
pushing his hand into his face. Mr. Honkers huffs, smirks, and nods
victoriously.

“Right, No Face, grab us some
munchums,” he says to IMRM, who nods and walks off elsewhere into
the dark swamp. Mr. Honkers yawns, and lies down, leaving the other
three to do as they please.

“Well then, I guess we'll get to eat
soon, eh?” SISY says to the other two, trying to make conversation
during the rather boring wait. UDGD sighs, and nods.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: YOU BREATH FIRE? WHAT
A STUPID SISSY

After a fair meal of mushroom and fish
stew for Mr. Honkers and DTO, and a good helping of swamp dirt for
SISY, who probably has slightly-lower eating standards than most,
the group again rises to their feet to be on their way. They trek
on without difficulty for about two hours, not meeting a single
soul. The illuminating light cycle begins to waiver through the
trees as the last few seconds of day tick away. The group of five
soon see the results of this, as the twilight of the swamp dims
down to pitch-blackness. The only thing that is visible are the
specks of subdued light coming out from the canopy of swamp trees,
the fireflies, and the light produced from the strange device
clipped on Mr. Honker's waist.

“Well damn, it's gotten dark,” SISY
says with a smile, stating the obvious, something he is a pro at
doing. UDGD sighs. Stating obvious things is not very manly at
all.

“Yeah. Do you think we should turn in
for the night?” DTO questions to the others, not being a fan of
walking in terrifying blackness in the middle of nowhere. (Fragment
without suggestion) Mr. Honkers chuckles, and is the first to
answer.

“You kidding, scrub? Only a snigglin'
little snake would want to stop now! Come on, don't be a weak dweeb
like No-Face here!” Mr. Honkers says atop of IMRM's shoulders, who
has been carrying him around practically the entire time. DTO
grumbles, too grumpy to hold character and be an agreeable
person.