Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (12 page)

“I suppose that is one way to deal with
violent peoples,” IMRM says, a bit unimpressed with UDGD's speed in
the fight. The duel took a staggering 47 seconds, and that is a
far-longer time than IMRM would deem efficient. IMRM does not mind
all that much, what matters most is getting the job done, after
all.

A few more seconds pass as the
fire-throwing men rush about their various huts, looking for
anything that would be of some value, and then they return,
respectfully putting each object at UDGD's feet. It's a fairly
meager hoard, UDGD feels, but loot is loot after all.

“This it?” UDGD questions, arms crossed
with a frown at full disapproval. The pyromancers nod and agree in
various other ways, nervous for UDGD's “forgiveness.” UDGD steps
forward, and Mr. Honkers comes up as well, presuming he has
authority over everyone here. UDGD looks over at the small
chocolate-colored man next to him, and rolls his eyes as he sifts
through the goods. Most of it the pile consists of baubles and
clothing. A couple arcane tomes that might be of some use to
someone educated in such witchery, but rather useless to a
self-proclaimed badass like UDGD.

“This all ya' got?” UDGD asks without
emotion to the crowd of fire-slingers. The pyromancers look at
one-another with unease, trying to communicate without words. They
nod to one another, make a couple of gestures signifying a
direction, and then they turn to UDGD.

“I'm so, so sorry. We actually forgot
one last thing,” a pyromancer says with a voice filled with fake
confidence. UDGD sighs. They obviously didn't forget; they just
didn't want to give it up. One of the pyromancers runs off into the
hut of their leader, and returns with an object wrapped in cloth.
The man steps up to UDGD and Mr. Honkers, who is also quite
interested as to the concealed secret; UDGD begins to unfold the
fabric from the object.

It is a large, glowing skull with
markings of black liquid along its surface, with a magical crimson
fire blazing out of its eyes. UDGD can feel a powerful vibration
and vitality from just looking at it, as if the object were
alive.

“And just what is this?” Mr. Honkers
questions to the pyromancer holding it.

“We got it while raiding the doom
wizard's tower to the east. Our leader said he heard from the
wizard that it was the skull of an Overlord,” the pyromancer
educates as UDGD picks up the skull in interest. The jaw seems to
stay intact with the rest of the skull without any connecting
muscles. It must have some kind of magical property.

“What does it do?” UDGD asks. The
pyromancer looks behind him to the others for help, but is only met
with confused shrugs.

“We... eh, don't know,” the magician
answers. UDGD sighs, and presumes it would be good to sell if
nothing else.

“We'll be taking this and we'll be on
our wa-”

“Actually, what the big nerdweeb was
trying to say here was that you best prepare us a few good rooms
and a feast. We're staying the night!” Mr. Honkers says with a
smile as he nods his head, agreeing with his own authority. The
pyromancers obediently rush to prepare for the night. UDGD sighs,
and looks up. He surmises it can't be any later than hour two of
the Night Cycle; a true man could easily continue walking and
fighting for at least twenty more hours before resting. UDGD keeps
his peace, having learned by now that Mr. Honkers is above threats
due to IMRM, the only one of them that knows the location of the
founta... wait a second.

“Hey, cloak guy,” UDGD says to DTO,
having forgotten his fake name. DTO presumes that he is talking to
him.

“Yeah?”

“You know where this ruin is, right?
The temple with the fountain or whatever?” UDGD asks. DTO pauses a
moment before he answers and clears his throat.

“Eh, yeah. Maps for this area are
actually pretty common.”

“So you can take us there?”

“Yup.”

“Thanks - just wondering,” UDGD
finishes. A smirk emerges on the side of his face. With DTO, he
doesn't need IMRM, and thus, has no reason to be ordered around by
Mr. Honkers any longer. UDGD's musings and fantasies of murdering
the annoying little man now turn into true contemplation. UDGD can
now kill Mr. Honkers and still get to his goal. He decides on doing
it tonight, when the others are asleep. The group goes on to have a
fantastic dinner of boiled warthog hearts over swamp herbs. It was
surprisingly tasty. They then are led to their very own huts, IMRM
and Mr. Honkers being the exception, sharing one hut between the
two of them.

CHAPTER TWELVE: DEEP DARK SWAMPY
BLACKNESS

Many hours have passed, and an
unarmored UDGD decides that now is the time. For the past few hours
he has been hearing nothing but “beeps” and “boops” coming out of
Mr. Honker's and IMRM's hut, but they have finally told each other
good night, and are now quiet. UDGD, in the hut right next to
theirs, quietly sits up and takes his axe with him
outside.

The swampy mists gather up below them,
as these huts are bound in trees and connected by a wide network of
boardwalks. The two night cycle moons of this subspace zone shine
above, but not enough to illuminate his movement. UDGD's eyes have
been adjusting to the darkness for a good while now, and he can see
most of his surroundings. Wearing nothing but his inner-armor
padding, UDGD creeps along the boardwalk with his massive axe. The
occasional creaking the boards make under his feet are almost
completely drowned out by the various swamp insects and beasts that
roam about during the deep night. UDGD crawls forward, halfway to
his hut, when the Subspace Orchestra begins to tease out very
quiet, ambient notes from a cello, building up tension. UDGD rolls
his eyes, and looks up.

“Shut up,” he says to the invisible
music-playing force. The cool ambience only grows in intensity as a
bass-guitar begins strumming rhythmically. UDGD rubs his face with
his free hand, finding this quite stressful, and decides to ignore
the music. UDGD moves up to the side of the hut window, and peeks
inside. He sees Mr. Honkers, sleeping soundly with an incredibly
stupid snore. UDGD lowers back down, and creeps around to the door.
Moving around the hut, UDGD is set back, seeing a figure standing
in front of the hut's door, perfectly erect and showing no signs of
tiring. It's IMRM, wearing his newly-retrieved cloak.

“Hello, Mr. Death. Do you perhaps have
time to talk?” IMRM asks as he stares up into the trees. UDGD grits
his teeth and curls his toes. How the hell did he hear him? UDGD
slowly stands at full height.

“Not really. I'm kind of busy right
now.”

“In attempting to do away with our
companion, I presume?” IMRM asks, back still turned, to look at the
tree canopy above. UDGD begins trembling, as he tightens his grip
on his axe.

“How the hell would you guess something
like that?” UDGD asks, knowing he didn't even hint at such a
thing.

“It would have been the obvious
expectation after your discovery of Mr. Dick knowing the path to
our destination. I also noted your previous hostility to those who
had been in your way. From this and a few other factors, I presumed
that you would attempt to murder him, perhaps as a form of revenge,
or just because you dislike him. Either way, I understand your
frustration, but I would like to ask you to keep yourself from such
destructive activity, particularly when my companion is your
target,” IMRM says, back still turned. UDGD sighs, and shakes his
head.

“Can't do that for ya'. I can't let him
slow me down, and since he insists on sticking to my side and being
stupid, he's left me no other choice.”

“I disagree. You could simply exercise
a bit of patience and then both of you would get along
fine.”

“Are you telling me what to
do?”

“No. I am only giving you what I feel
is the best suggestion for your next course of action. It would
also pleasure me a good deal if you two were to get along as
well.”

“Why’s that, you gay or somethin’?”
UDGD asks with an intense frown. IMRM tilts his head.

“Gay, homosexual, I presume? Such a
term does not apply to what I am. So no, I only want you two to be
friends, as friends tend to have higher rates of success when
conducting teamwork-based activities than simple
acquaintances.”

“Sounds like some pretty gay reasoning
to me.”

“If you say so; regardless, I must ask
you to please not murder my companion at this time, or any time in
the future. Are you okay with that?” IMRM asks in a quiet,
perfectly calm tone. UDGD dislikes being talked down to, and raises
his axe in response.

“I don't take orders from you, or
anyone else. There is nothing more important to me right now than
reaching that fountain. So get out of my way or I'll make you,” he
says, threatening the tall, concealed man.

“I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Death,
and again, I am not telling you what to do, I am
simply-”

ENGAGE!

IMRM is interrupted, having been
chopped in the back of the head by UDGD's axe, sending him off the
side of the bridge and hurtling to the ground below.

REALLY EASY VICTORY!

UDGD sighs and shakes his
head.

“I knew you were a puss,” UDGD says
quietly, slinging the axe back over his shoulder.

UDGD opens the door to the hut, and
peers upon the ‘surprisingly-still-asleep’ Mr. Honkers. The Grim
Lord of the Axe walks forward to the bed and raises his axe high
above his head.

“Nice knowing you. Ya' Dweeb,” UDGD
says mocking Mr. Honkers as he tenses his muscles for the strike.
Just as UDGD lowers his axe, he hears a loud crash and feels a
strange sensation. He misses the swing clearly as he shortly
realizes that he's falling! UDGD lifts his right arm up with agile
speed and just barely grabs the ledge of the flooring, which was
punched out from beneath him by IMRM.

ENGAGE, FOR REAL THIS TIME!

The cloaked guardian of the most
annoying man alive, standing on the side of the tree, reaches
forward to strain UDGD but is instead met with his axe, smashing
him into a spin and sending him back to the ground once more. This
time, UDGD leaps down to make sure he finishes the job.

The Grim Axeman flies down his weapon’s
wide blade poised straight over IMRM. The axe almost reaches the
cloaked figure's neck, but is instead caught with a defiant hand,
reaching out of IMRM's cloak. The tall enigma gets back to his feet
and steps back a moment, sending him several meters backwards away
from his axe-wielding opponent. UDGD scowls at his enemy's
excellent agility, and feels that he made the right choice in
shedding his armor this night. As fast as IMRM may be, there is no
way he is faster than UDGD, who trains with weights daily. UDGD
rushes forward with his axe, poised again to smash into his foe's
metallic skull, when IMRM decides that UDGD has opened up his guard
sufficiently. The two cross paths, UDGD misses his swing, and just
as he turns to his foe again, he is beset with another unpleasant
feeling – this time not of falling, but of nausea. The Dark Axeman
feels as though he was just run through with a sword, but there is
no wound, and no blood; his organs feel churned and reconfigured
into a chaotic mess, even his soul feels violated by the unseen
strike.

Slowly, verily, UDGD falls to his hands
and knees, and voids his innards, spewing out tonight's dinner onto
the swampy nighttime ground. UDGD looks up just a moment to his
foe, probably to say something foul to him, but is unable to speak
before he falls to his side.

VICTO-... OH, WELL THIS IS AWKWARD...
DEFEAT, I GUESS?

UDGD's last sight for the night is the
image of IMRM stepping toward him, saying something that he cannot
quite make out. The Grim Axeman loses himself to the
darkness.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: CLOAK AND
AXE

The Grim Axeman awakens in his bed,
feeling Xtremely dehydrated. He stares at the ceiling for a moment,
coming to grips with what had happened last night. Gradually his
memory of last night returns; he was knocked out in a fight! The
Grim Axeman scans the room around him for any present threat, and
notices that he is completely alone in his tree-bound hut. UDGD
sighs, realizing that he has just lost his first fight in years,
and wonders if he is even worthy to rise from his bed. A few
minutes of sissyish waiting passes, until he hears the voice of a
certain idiot coming from below.

“That dweeb did WHAT?!” Mr. Honkers
yells from outside. UDGD decides it's time to go out and face the
doom metal, as the saying goes. For the longest time he thought he
could get whatever he wanted through force, but this Insanely
Masculine Robot Man, he will take a little more tact to
slay.

UDGD steps out of his hut, and sees the
entire group, plus about half a dozen pyromancers below, sitting
circled around a large pot, sending forth an enrapturing and
delicious aroma. Mr. Honkers sees UDGD exit his hut, and points him
out.

“Hey! Get down here, scrub!” He yells
up to the Axeman. UDGD begrudgingly steps down from the spiral
staircase, attached along one of the trees, and presents himself
without his axe. He presumes that IMRM must have taken it away
after their fight.