Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (6 page)

Take dimension #13 for example. While
the O.E.L. would love to own it and use its resources to aid the
efforts of its conquests, there is, as sources say, an
impossibly-nasty Overlord that lives there and rampages through
cities filled with knights trained in high-level magics. While the
O.E.L. has reached a point of scientific sophistication to
manufacture its own automatic firearms, this Overlord creature
seems quite impervious to such technology, and as such, the
association has decided to put off the dimension's conquest until a
later time. After all, there are so many dimensions to explore, so
spending that much effort just to get into one seems awfully
counter-productive to the O.E.L.. That aside, very few dimensions
actually care much about being “conquered” by the O.E.L., and it is
often considered more of a business partnership than anything. In
the usual case, the O.E.L. simply walks in, points guns at people,
and gets the leaders to sign several contracts, allowing the O.E.L.
to control all space-gate-related or otherwise significant
technology in the country's possession. The country keeps its
culture, its people, and its motives, with only one rule: Don't
screw with your elusive rulers, the O.E.L..

As it currently stands, there has not
been a single dimension, or country within a dimension, that has
given the O.E.L. as hard a time as Dimension #13, the said
dimension that contains the “High Overlord,” Chaos, an incredibly
powerful bastard by any standards. He is the primary reason as to
why the O.E.L. have not stepped foot (officially) into the
dimension, but there is talk of this changing soon, as there are
rumors that the O.E.L. are now developing dimension-altering
weaponry, technology that not even this Overlord could stand
against.

I hope the Reader has enjoyed this
short history lesson about the current status of the Omniverse and
its people. Remember that you, the Reader, too can do your part in
aiding the O.E.L. should they come by your dimension in need of
assistance. Compliance is readily rewarded with official positions
if in the case that the O.E.L. imposes a new governmental system
upon your dimension, so it would be wise to be courteous and
helpful to any member of their association. Of course, in the
slight exception that it is Overlord Chaos who is reading this, he
would be suggested to promptly tear off their limbs and throw them
all in hell for the sake of the rest of us. Now then, let’s
continue.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THAT'S HOW IT IS, YOU
NERD!

SISY nods in approval to Mr. Honker's
answer.

“That's pretty sweet, never thought I'd
see someone so important,” SISY says in a half-joking tone. Mr.
Honkers takes it as a complete compliment, and sways his afro in
the form of a nod.

“Glad to see you properly appreciate
the company you're in,” the short, badly-dressed man says with a
condescending smile. SISY laughs.

“Right. So, if ya' don't mind me
asking, can I come with you to do... whatever you're doing?” SISY
asks the three of them. UDGD looks over to IMRM, and IMRM looks
over to UDGD, and then to SISY.

“Is there any particular reason why you
would like to come with us?” the tall, cloaked IMRM asks to the
slightly shorter than him, more muscular man. SISY chuckles as he
scratches his chin.

“Well, to be super honest, I don't
really have anywhere t'go. You see, I'm sort of wanted by the
authorities here,” SISY confides with an embarrassed
smile.

“Might I ask for what?” IMRM
questions.

“Thanks, but I’d rather not say... it
wasn’t all that bad though, I promise.” SISY says. The bartender,
as if struck with realization, spits out his drink and promptly
looks away from the four to act as if he’s heard nothing. UDGD hums
with suspicion in a manly, grave tone; this guy looks like bad
news. “So, ya' see, I'm sorta' in a bind,” SISY admits with an
honest expression. UDGD looks at the other two in his group, and
looks back to SISY; all without turning his head.

“One sec,” the Axeman says as he
motions Mr. Honkers and IMRM into a pow-wow lean. SISY
nods.

UDGD looks at the other two, and the
other two at him.

“We shouldn't take ‘em. I don't feel
like it's right to dishonor someone so manly, but I'm not allowing
you two to bring him along because what I-... what we're looking
for is too important. Got it?” UDGD says in a seriously oppressive
tone. Mr. Honkers scoffs.

“Naw, we're bringing this dweeb. He
obviously appreciates my awesomeness, so I'm not leaving it up to
you, you nerd,” the short man says in a way that would be sorta
cool if his voice did not sound as pathetically stupid as it does.
UDGD scowls deeply, and looks over to IMRM.

“I am personally indifferent in this
matter, but I am inclined to agree with Mr. Honkers. Terribly
sorry, Mr. Death,” IMRM says, as if Mr. Honker's opinion is more
like a law of nature than simply an opinion. UDGD sighs deeply,
knowing that he requires IMRM to lead him to the treasure, and as
such, requires Mr. Honkers, who IMRM is apparently some sort of
slave to. UDGD is beginning to seriously reconsider the manliness
levels of IMRM. Could it be that he's actually just a sissy that
can fight well, like Heart Tearer Outer? For now, UDGD decides to
tolerate this and go with the flow-- he can kill them all later if
he ever needs to.

“Yeah, fine,” UDGD says with a deep,
serious scowl. Mr. Honkers grins, seeing his will being followed,
and IMRM nods amiably. Mr. Honkers takes the initiative to turn to
SISY and let him know the news.

“You can come with us, noob; as long as
you'll be cool,” the short man says. SISY grins with a radiant
smile.

“HAHA! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'
'BOUT! ARE YOU GUYS READY TO GO?” SISY yells with a victorious
voice. IMRM nods and UDGD says nothing, but Mr. Honkers is still
opinionated.

“Well, actually I still haven't gotten
my cereal,” he says as he hops back on his bar stool. “Hey!
Barkeep! Gimmie my cereal!” Mr. Honkers demands with an almost
1/10ths manly fist slam on the table. The orc, if Mr. Honkers were
alone, would seriously consider tearing the midget’s head off with
his teeth, but being under the gaze of the grim, face-painted
axeman, the blood-drenched, grinning swordsman, and the tall,
elegant mystery, he thinks such an action would not fly
well.

“Eh, I'll make an exception,” the orc
says with a wide grin, the moment before he dashes into the store
room in an attempt to find some kind of food vaguely resembling
breakfast cereal.

CHAPTER EIGHT: PUNCHING OLD FRIENDS
IN THE FACE AND THEN PUNCHING NEW ONES IN THE FACE

The four men, after Mr. Honkers got his
fill of a bowl of long-expired Black-White Luckies, exit the tavern
and head east; the direction that, according to IMRM, will lead
them to the treasure. On their way down the road, strewn with the
corpses of less-manly folks and silly weaklings wearing stupid
hats, they march quietly. The silent trek lasts about halfway to
the city's outer gates until a question lands on the mind of Mr.
Honkers that he has forgotten to ask. He decides to throw his
newly-found authority around, now that he knows how valuable IMRM's
ability is to UDGD.

“Yo, Death guy,” the short weakling
says with a conniving smirk. UDGD sighs.

“Yeah?” he responds.

“You didn't tell me what we're looking
for yet,” the afro-man states, expecting UDGD to let him in on the
dirt. UDGD scowls with trench-like deepness.

“I'm not gonna' tell ya 'bout it,” UDGD
asserts, making sure that Mr. Honkers remembers that it was him
that wanted to tag along. Mr. Honkers shrugs.

“Fair enough, noob. I guess I'll just
get robo-dork and leave then,” Mr. Honkers says, knowing his
position well. UDGD sighs, rolls his eyes, and for a second,
imagines how much manlier Mr. Honkers would look missing a
head.

“Yeah, fine. I'm lookin' for somethin'
called the 'Fountain of Testosterone'. It's an old relic that I've
been told spews out manliness,” UDGD explains, finding the idea of
the fountain perfectly believable. As a spark of interest strikes
in SISY’s eye, Mr. Honkers laughs with a sniveling snicker, an
action that makes UDGD want to punch him in the face all the more.
He would, but apparently IMRM is like his body guard servant or
something.

“The Fountain of Testosterone? Sounds
pretty lame. A way-cooler name would be the ‘Fount of Honk’,” Mr.
Honkers says as he nods his purple afro in approval. UDGD sighs
again, getting to grips with the fact that he'll be traveling with
this guy for what could be weeks, and scowls.

“Yeah, I guess,” UDGD lies to shut up
his unmanly ally.

The three manly dudes and one
less-than-manly dude continue east, until they reach the city
gates, when a bass-playing guard sees them, and stops his wicked
riff to approach them.

“Hey, faggots,” the guard greets as he
notices them and their foreign appearance.

“F-faggot? How dare you, scrub! I am
none other than the cooles- Ow! ” Mr. Honkers is interrupted by
UDGD, shoving him in the side with his armored elbow.

“What do ya' want?” UDGD asks the guard
with his best “pissed” voice.

“You look like you're new here. You
gotta’ pay th’ leavin’ tax,” the guard says, walking up to UDGD, at
staring him in the face with a respectless gaze. UDGD
scowls.

“There's a tax for leavin'?”

“Hell yeah there is. Now pay up a
hundred or I'll tear out ya’ anus,” the guard threatens. UDGD and
the rest of his companions can hear, somewhere in the background, a
heavy metal accompaniment, popping up right after the
black-armband-wearing guard finishes his sentence. It’s pretty
manly, but UDGD is way manlier.

“I think you're going to turn around
and leave before I smash your face in,” UDGD says bluntly. The
guard scoffs, and reaches for his bass-guitar, doubling as an
axe.

“So be it, dumbass,” the guard says as
he brandishes his weapon. The heavy metal accompaniment in the
background rises in tension, and the group can now hear electric
guitars wailing madly.

ENGAGE!

UDGD quickly throws his fist forward
with the strength of a bear, smashing the guard's face and breaking
his nose. The guard didn't have much time to react to the punch,
and stumbles back, caught off guard. UDGD follows up with diving
back into the guard's personal space and delivering several more
face-crunching, boner-destroying punches. Blood spurts forth from
the guard's face and all over UDGD's gauntlets as the Grim Axeman
continues his brutal assault. After five more strikes, the guard,
face totally blinded with blood, falls on the ground in shock and
confusion. He attempts to mutter something, but the massive amounts
of blood spewing from his broken, twisted mouth turn his words into
incoherent blubbering. UDGD kicks the man to his side, facing him
upwards, and then lets down his boot into his face, crushing it
completely in an explosion of bloody glory. Guitars wail wildly as
UDGD pulls his foot out of where the guard's face used to be,
cranial essence trailed onto his armored boot. Lifting his leg out
of the mortal, bloody wreckage, UDGD spits on the corpse of his
fallen foe.

VICTORY!

“Bitch,” UDGD stabs unexcitedly as he
scrapes the guard's pink, veiny brains from his boot.

“HAHA! GOOD JOB THERE! N-NOW LET'S GO
LOOK FOR THE OTHERS SO WE CAN FIGHT THEM TOO!” SISY suggests,
reverting back to his loud, jolly, violent self now that he's seen
someone get their face smashed in.

“Naw, we gotta' go find the fountain.
There'll be plenty of time to fight on the way,” UDGD says, nodding
the others along. SISY shrugs, a tad disappointed, but still goes
along with the others out of the gate, as he has little choice in
the matter.

The four get moving out of the gate and
out of the city, walking into the barren lands of Easteros, which,
for the Reader's information, is way more hardcore than the place
to the West with a similar name; which is filled with whiny royal
brats and dumb people having sex and handicapping children by
pushing them out of towers. That Western place has no correlation
to any other fantasy world, dear Reader- so relax.

They get only two hundred feet down the
road, until IMRM is made aware of a cloaked figure dashing up
behind them. He decides to alert the others.

“Pardon me,” IMRM addresses outwardly.
Everyone looks his way.

“What is it, noob?” Mr. Honkers says,
answering for the other two, who are generally too manly to speak
quickly.

“It seems that there is a person
running our way from the city gates. It looks as though he will be
here in a few seconds,” IMRM states, looking opposite to their
direction. The three others look over and see the cloaked figure of
a man, rushing up to their location. The group places their hands
on their weapons and awaits the man to initiate either conversation
or combat.

“Ahh, hello there. I'm glad I found
you,” the cloaked man states between breaths. UDGD squints
suspiciously and examines the figure.

The man is wearing a tattered brown
cloak, reaching down to his shins. He has a hood, also part of the
cape, pulled around his head and concealing his entire image, with
the exception of his mouth, which is that of a light-skinned man
with a light brown stubble. He lookss to be unarmed, but he more
than likely has his weapon hidden under his wide cloak. UDGD gives
this guy a 6/10 on the manliness scale. He would have given a 7/10
if his voice were cooler, and even an 8/10 if he were a bit bigger,
but his voice is not all that cool, and he is only about the size
of a regular man, so a 6/10 he'll stay for now.