Read Willie's Redneck Time Machine Online
Authors: John Luke Robertson
Willie's Redneck Time Machine (8 page)
YOU WALK OVER TO THE DJ.
“Do you have ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52s?”
He gives you a real cool-guy nod.
“Can you play it next?”
He just gives you another nod, his mushroom-shaped hair bouncing.
“That’s, like, the go-to karaoke song for me and my wife.”
“Your go-to what?” he asks.
“You know
—the song we always pick when we kar-a-o-ke.”
Then it dawns on you that this guy hasn’t heard of karaoke. It hasn’t become a thing yet. “Never mind,” you mutter and step away.
Man, I’m old.
You stand on the side of the gym, watching the dancers,
and that’s when you see her. The smiling girl in the black dress. You notice that the dress is really puffy, just like her hair, but other than that your future wife looks so cute.
Is it weird to be thinking this?
You decide to surprise her on the dance floor. It’s gonna be awesome.
Soon the music begins to play.
Those drums start, and then you hear the wail of
“Love shack!”
Everybody is out on the floor dancing, including Korie and her friends. So you join them. Who cares if you’re from the future and a little older than everybody else. You’re only as old as you feel. Right?
You close your eyes and start dancing. You know all the lyrics, and you’re soon mouthing the words.
You do motions with your hands and twist your hips. You’re wearing boots, but that’s okay
—you can do your best moves in them.
That’s right. You’ve still got it.
“Love shack, bay-bee.”
You finally open your eyes and look around.
The entire room is staring at you.
Everybody’s glaring, and nobody’s dancing.
You slowly stop dancing as you realize the students might be a little confused. Or maybe sorta scared.
So they’ve never seen a bearded man with a bandanna who can move and groove so well.
You try to sneak off the basketball court and out of the gym. The dancing resumes.
Before leaving, you feel something hit your head. It’s a dress shoe. You don’t even bother to check who threw it.
“Love Shack” was a total disaster.
You decide to wait for John Luke by the time machine, which is fortunately still here. Then you two can go back to 2014 and break out the karaoke machine, and you and Korie can bust out “Love Shack” tonight.
Right now you feel a bit like a fool.
You’re forty-two years old and a 1990s prom has defeated you.
“Bang, bang on the door, baby.”
THE END
WHEN THE FIRST OF THE RAINS COME,
you feel good. It’s cool and refreshing outside. But that’s until it rains all day and all night. Then it keeps raining. And raining.
It rains more.
And more.
The rains keep coming.
The storms get heavier.
When you talk to a guy from a nearby town, you realize the man in the cloak must have been right about something bad happening out here. The local guy mentions a man named Noah who predicted this very thing.
But by the time you hear about this, it’s too late. The waters rise, and even though you’re a good swimmer, you can’t swim forever.
And the rains seem to go on forever.
You should have followed the cloaked man’s advice.
But then you remember what he said about not dying, and your predicament doesn’t seem so bad after all.
Sure enough, soon you’re standing in the middle of the familiar warehouse, confused, dripping wet, and listening to Britney Spears singing “Oops!” at full volume on your phone.
THE END
SO HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS:
you and Jase make it back home to West Monroe in time for Korie’s birthday.
The bad news: John Luke never shows up.
The really bad news: you left the time machine in the warehouse when you got home from the Civil War, but now it’s gone. You have no idea where to find it.
John Luke is missing and Korie is worried and you have no idea how in the world you’re going to let her know her eldest son is now trapped somewhere in another time and another place.
But you’re definitely going to blame Jase.
That’s the
last
time he’s ever going to do something you tell him to do!
THE END
YOU TRY TO TALK TO KORIE,
but she runs down the hallway. Literally
runs
.
You try again and she steps behind a group of girlfriends.
You try for a third time and she goes over to Mr. Harris, one of the teachers standing nearby. He walks over to you.
“May I help you, sir?”
Then something dawns on you.
You’re a forty-two-year-old trying to talk to an eighteen-year-old. That’s creepy enough.
Then there’s the beard and the bandanna that nobody’s ever seen. You surely look a little bit . . . scary.
“Oh yeah, sorry. I was just trying to find my son.”
“Somehow I don’t think Korie Howard is your son.”
You realize Mr. Harris is around the same age as you. This is the same Mr. Harris who kicked you out of class
for putting chalk in his soup one day during home ec. The same teacher who loves to belittle you in front of the entire class. Sure, you maybe deserved to be punished for the chalk incident, but Mr. Harris always seemed to take things too far.
Hmm.
You’ve often imagined meeting up with Mr. Harris again. Just to have a nice conversation. Not to hurt him. You’d never do that. But you wouldn’t mind messing with his head.
Just a little.
Of course, you really should find John Luke. You’re not sure if the time machine is still here, or how in the world you guys will be able to get back.
Do you stay and mess with Mr. Harris’s mind?
Go here
.
Do you go into the gym, hoping John Luke will be there?
Go here
.
WAIT A MINUTE . . .
How’d you get
here
?
Did you cheat?
You wouldn’t do something like that, would you?
And if you would, you wouldn’t pick such a predictable date, right?
You do know there were multiple gunmen, don’t you?
Are you really going to save the president? What’s your plan?
Oh, wait; you didn’t know you’d end up here?
Are you saying you don’t even know what happened on this date?
Okay, that’s fine. Just go back to the beginning and start over. (And look up this historical date when you get a moment!)
YOU DECIDE TO GO ON
and eat because you do your best thinking while eating. After polishing off a fried shrimp po’boy sandwich, you go to use the men’s room before leaving Duck Diner. When you walk inside, you see the strangest thing.
The outhouse is
in
the men’s restroom. It barely fits too.
You have
no
idea how someone fit a giant wooden outhouse in your restaurant’s bathroom.
You think about turning around and talking to the manager. But enough’s enough. You get it. They want you to hop in. They
really
want to get you inside. So okay.
“All righty, boys,” you say out loud.
You’re sure that someone’s got a camera on you, watching.
This will make the Jimmy Kimmel show or
America’s
Funniest Home Videos
or maybe a country music award show. Who knows.
You step inside, close the door, and wait.
Will the floor open up to something?
Will they fill the outhouse with something gross or funny?
Will the . . . ?
You blink. Something’s strange about your surroundings. You blink again and realize you’re not making this up.
The outhouse has changed into some kind of spaceship. And just as you’re about to walk across the floor to figure out how this happened, the room starts spinning.
Violently.
You try to hang on to something but can’t. You’re launched across the room into the wall, then to the floor.
As you slide, you grab the base of a chair, managing to grip it until the shaking and spinning stops.
Sirens are going off, and when you eventually stand up, you see one thing flashing across all the screens in the room (and there are lots of them):
2038
It looks like that’s a year. Yeah, you’re smart to notice stuff like that.
You try to get your bearings. You feel the shrimp po’boy sandwich rumbling around in your stomach. Maybe you shouldn’t have had that along with those fried pickles.
But how can anybody resist the fried pickles? Come on, now.
So maybe you’re in a time machine.
Maybe you’re supposed to embark on some great adventure. It’s not enough that you’re a secret agent (and nobody knows about that)
—
Oh, wait; that’s another story.
You get to the door, and it opens easily. So you step out, unsure what you’ll discover.
You find you’re in another restroom. This one happens to be in a Walmart store. You’re heading to the exit when something catches your eye. It’s the store logo.
Duck Commander has done lots of business with Walmart over the years, so you know its logo well. But this . . . this isn’t it.
There’s a
W
and an
A
side by side.
Right underneath it, you see the word
Walmazon
.
What in the world?
You spot the customer service desk and swing by it.
“So what’s with Walmazon?” you ask.
The girl behind the desk looks confused.
“When did it change from Walmart?”
“From what?” the young girl says.
Someone else comes up behind her. It’s an older man with lots of gray hair around the sides of his head.
“That was like . . . like in about 2020 or ’21. That’s going back old-school. Yeah, the big merger between Walmart and Amazon. Basically changed shopping as we know it.”
You should have seen that one coming! You nod and thank the man.
“Hey
—nice look. I remember that family. Who were they again? The Robinsons?”
You’re not sure if he’s trying to be funny.
“Robertsons,” you say.
“Oh yeah. Something about ducks and stuff, right?”
You nod again and leave the desk.
That was weird.
You step out of Walmazon and wonder what you’re supposed to do. Shopping in the future sure doesn’t sound like an adventure to you.
A tiny red car with big wheels pulls up to the curb. It’s round, and you’re not sure you can even fit into it. A man with glasses and a goatee is driving. He’s wearing a bow tie and one of those blazers that surely has elbow patches on it.
“Hey, Dad,” the man says. “Get in.”
You look for a moment before you recognize the face.
John Luke?
“I know. It’s crazy, huh? I’m forty-two years old. The same age as you.”
Now you really study him. “Love the jacket. And the whole look.”
“Come on,” John Luke says.
His voice is lower than you’re used to.
“How did you know
—?”
“Because you told me in the past to be watching for you today.”
You think for a minute. “But how does that work? Did I come back from the future to tell you that? Or did my past self journey to the future to tell you?”
“Remember when there was such a thing as texting?” John Luke says through the window. “Imagine sending a text to me in 2038.”
“So it really is 2038?”
He nods. “Come on. I’ll show you around. Lots of things have changed.”
Do you get in the minicar?
Go here
.
Do you run back into Walmazon and try to get in the time machine again?
Go here
.