Read Willie's Redneck Time Machine Online
Authors: John Luke Robertson
Willie's Redneck Time Machine (4 page)
“EXCUSE ME, MR. HARRIS.”
The teacher resembles a ruler in khaki pants and a button-down shirt. He sends you a nervous look.
“What if I told you I’m from the future?” You give him a big ole grin. He doesn’t say a word.
“What if I said I was one of your
—well, let’s just say, not-so-gifted students? What if I were to tell you that one day in the future, I’d end up becoming
—?”
The lights suddenly turn off.
Pitch-black.
Then you see a set of a dozen lights moving toward you like a swarm of fireflies. You suddenly feel your hands being grabbed and placed behind your back. Then you feel the cuffs. You’re led out by two figures on either side of you.
Soon you’re sitting in a chair with a blinding light
overhead. Figures in black helmets and black costumes stand around you.
“You breached code 746 in time code appraisal elements,” one of them says.
“I what?” you ask.
“Time travel is not intended to do harm. There is an etiquette that must be observed. Just like there’s etiquette in hunting.”
“What harm was I doing?” you ask. “What ‘etiquette’ was I breaking?”
“Nor is it meant for bragging or boasting.”
You shrug and laugh. “Oh, come on. That teacher tortured me. I was just going to let him know that a former student of his made it big.”
“Do you think he won’t know?” a low voice behind a helmet asks.
Then one of the figures hands you two pills. One is red and the other blue.
You laugh. “Ah, so I get to choose which pill I take?”
The man in black closest to you only shakes his head. “No, you take both.”
“I take both?” you ask. “Really? Won’t that
—I don’t know
—do something weird?”
He attempts to force the pills into your mouth, but you wave him off and take the pills yourself.
You will never remember any of this again.
But as you find yourself standing in the warehouse with “Oops! . . . I Did It Again” playing on your cell, you have the strangest taste in your mouth.
THE END
OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE . . .
You still have some kind of strange outhouse thing in your warehouse that John Luke
and
Jase disappeared in.
You still have no idea what’s going on.
And you still have to get Korie a birthday present.
But you’re heading to Duck Diner?
Really?
Come on, man. Give your stomach a break.
Yes, sure, the basketball game you played last night in your church league went into triple overtime. And yes, sure, your ankle’s kind of sore. So you deserve a good meal for lunch. Maybe the meat loaf sandwich.
But there are other things happening. Strange things.
You make it halfway to Duck Diner before realizing you
should probably go back and get in that dumb contraption and see what happens.
Yeah. You’ll always have a chance to eat.
But this might be your only chance to see what happens in the magical outhouse.
Do you turn around?
Go here
.
Do you go ahead and eat anyway?
Go here
.
“YOU SAID THAT JOHN LUKE
got in here first, right?” Jase asks. “Then disappeared?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, there’s a history button over there that shows where this thing has been. I bet we can push it, and it’ll take us to wherever the machine was last.”
“Really? What’s it look like?”
“It’s the big square one that says
History Button
.”
You want to tell Jase to stop being annoying, but then you realize he might actually be telling the truth. So you press the button.
When the machine lands and the door opens, you realize you are definitely
not
back home in West Monroe.
“Jase, what have you done?”
That’s when you see a familiar figure running toward you. “We gotta go fast!” he shouts.
It’s John Luke. He darts past you, into the time machine. Behind him is what looks like some of your high school football team.
Hang on a minute. It’s the entire football team. Including your high school self.
You don’t wait. You bolt back through the time machine door and shut it. “Take us home, Jase!”
John Luke is sweating. He’s also got a black eye and a bloody nose.
“What happened?” you ask him.
“
You
. That’s what happened.”
You’re not sure what he’s talking about (but you’re not sure a lot of the time).
“Who beat you up?”
“You did,” he says. “The younger version of you.”
“Why?”
“Because Mom . . .” He stops.
“What?”
“No, I can’t.”
“What happened?”
“Mom kissed me.”
“This is totally like
Back to the Future
,” Jase says.
“You shouldn’t have gotten the mullet,” you tell John Luke.
You feel the machine starting to move and swirl around. You grab at the railing.
“We can go somewhere else,” Jase says.
“Home,” both you and John Luke say at the same time.
“It’s giving me two options here. One is ‘Duck,’ and the other is ‘Buck.’”
Do you pick Duck?
Go here
.
Do you pick Buck?
Go here
.
Do you decide to override the system and try to enter the current date and West Monroe?
Go here
.
THE BANGING ON THE DOOR
of the outhouse time machine persists. You and Si wait to see if the attackers will give up and go away, but then you hear the door rattling as if someone is trying to get inside. Soon it begins opening on its own.
“They figured it out! What are we gonna do?” you yell to Si.
“I have no idea, Jack!”
You picture the armed men tearing through the doorway with guns blazing. You steady yourself, ready to face them.
Then suddenly Phil walks through the door in his thick beard and camo-patterned bandanna, closely followed by John Luke. They do a double take when they see you, and you rub your clean-shaven face self-consciously.
“Willie, is that you? What on earth happened? What are you two doing in here?” Phil asks, still gaping at you.
“Where are
you
coming from?” you reply.
“John Luke and I have been checking out Camp Ch-Yo-Ca,” Phil says.
So you must have made it back home. Both you and Si get out of the machine as fast as you can. Phil wants to know why this outhouse is here.
“Don’t ask me, but take my word for it
—you should stay out of it.”
He believes you and gives his own beard a nervous tug as if to make sure it’s still there.
You have a question too. “What were you and John Luke doing at the camp?”
“Oh, we’ve been looking into reports of hauntings. Spooky things. Things that go bump in the night.”
The three of you are standing in front of the time machine outhouse when John Luke’s cousin Cole walks over. As he takes in your hairless appearance, his shocked expression matches Phil’s and John Luke’s. This might take some getting used to, but still, you’ve never been so happy to see your family.
“Where’d you come from?” Phil asks Cole.
“Around.”
You’re all standing there talking when Cole decides to
rush into the outhouse. His curiosity must have gotten the best of him. Before you know it, the door shuts and the lights start going off.
Then the machine is gone.
You look around at the others. “Uh, guys, what just happened?”
“I think Cole stole the time machine,” Uncle Si says.
“I hope he can figure out how to work it better than I could,” you say.
“I think we lost Cole,” John Luke says. “Forever.”
All of you stand around as if the outhouse is going to appear again. As if you’ll have another chance to get inside and find a huge room where you can go to other worlds.
“Maybe we should keep looking at what’s happening around here,” John Luke says.
“Of course,” Phil tells him. “Gentlemen, there’s a mystery to be solved. John Luke and I have important work to do.”
That said, Phil and John Luke head out to return to camp. You and Uncle Si just look at one another.
This is weird.
“Well, Uncle Si, we got a massive order in and gotta get back to work.”
He licks his finger and aims it at your ear.
“That only works when you’re invisible.”
He claps his hands twice as he turns in a circle. “I’m invisible now, right?”
You’re not sure if he’s being funny or not.
With Uncle Si, you never know exactly what he’s saying.
THE END