Read Willie's Redneck Time Machine Online
Authors: John Luke Robertson
Willie's Redneck Time Machine (2 page)
SI IS RIGHT AFTER ALL.
This
is
a time machine. Or at least it sure looks like it.
If this is still all a setup, well . . . they sure must have found a great set designer to make it look like the control room of a spaceship
—or a time machine.
The walls are covered with monitors and buttons, and there’s a whole circular control panel in the center of the room you’re standing in. You’re not sure how everything changed from a tiny little outhouse to this, but you’re also not sure about a lot of things.
Like where did John Luke and Jase and now Si all go?
A button on the wall closest to you starts blinking, and you feel that it must be pushed. It’s marked with the
number 2319. . . . Could that mean the year 2319? You don’t hesitate
—you’ve hesitated enough.
As soon as you jab the button with a finger, the machine springs into motion. You’re beginning to feel a bit queasy in your stomach
—could be the elk meat you ate for breakfast
—when the machine stops with a shudder and the door pops open. You can hear explosions right outside. It sounds like you’ve entered some kind of arcade center. Either that or there’s a war outside this machine . . . probably a futuristic war if it’s the year 2319.
In some weird way, as you make your way to the door, you have this strange sense of déjà vu.
I’ve done this before.
But you really haven’t. (Unless, of course, you’re a reader and you’ve gone on several journeys already.) Whether you’ve been here before or not, though, you’re sure you hear bomb blasts and something that sounds more like lasers firing than guns.
Maybe you shouldn’t leave the safety of your surroundings until the blasts stop. And it might be a good idea to search the machine for a weapon. That dagger from the warehouse would really come in handy about now. But every time machine should have a super high-powered armory, right?
Do you step out of the machine without looking for a weapon? (Really, do you? Truly, should you?)
Go here
. But seriously. Come on, man.
Do you explore the machine for something to protect yourself with?
Go here
.
YOU’RE STUDYING YOUR SURROUNDINGS,
as best you can in the dark.
Without warning, the room lights up and a large, redheaded man emerges from somewhere in the back of the mystery outhouse. He’s got a thick beard and towers over you.
“Can I help you with something?” he asks.
It takes you a second to recover from his surprise entrance. “Yeah, I have some questions.”
“There are lots of inquisitive people like you who need answers to feel better about the journey.”
“Who are you?” you ask.
“I know about time.”
You study him for a minute. “Are you, like, Father Time?”
He laughs and rubs his beard. “That’s silly. Mr. Claus gets the same question everywhere he goes.”
“Santa?” you ask.
I’ve always known there was a real Santa!
“My name is Raymond,” the man says. “What do you need to know?”
You point at the complicated-looking console in front of you. “What is this thing?”
“Allow me.” He shows you the control panel and begins to guide you through working it . . . and then he stops.
“It’s too confusing. You’ll never be able to understand it,” he says. “This device is a doorway to other places. You’re able to experience these locations and times from long ago or in the future.”
“You mean, this really is a time machine?”
Raymond nods.
You can hardly believe it. You have so many questions, you don’t even know where to begin.
Raymond keeps going. “Let me make sure you get the most important thing. We want these journeys to be fun. So you can’t die in another time or place. There are no tragedies here. There are unexplained events, but no deaths.”
This sounds kind of familiar. But you can’t help feeling worried. “Why not?”
“Level 34-B bicode.”
“Say what?”
“Okay. Take the grandfather paradox, for example. You
can’t go back in time to kill your grandfather because that would mean you’d never exist, right?”
“I guess so,” you say. “But if I don’t die, what happens?”
“You’ll find yourself back where you began,” Father Time
—er, Raymond
—says mysteriously. “With a vague memory, perhaps, of what you experienced.”
You open your mouth to start asking more questions.
“Why do you need the answers so badly?” he says before you’re able to ask anything. “Enjoy the ride. The journey is everything, isn’t it?”
Hmmm.
Do you ask Raymond to send you wherever John Luke went?
Go here
.
Do you say good-bye to Raymond, then pull a random lever in the middle of the console? (Really? Is this a smart idea?)
Go here
.
BAD THING YOU PICKED DUCK.
The ducks get all the credit. The poor bucks don’t ever get noticed.
You open the door to find water seeping in. You’re in the Dog, which is a part of the bayou
—a place where you commonly go duck hunting. The outhouse is bobbing up and down. Somehow it’s managing to stay upright without toppling over
—obviously there’s technology happening here that’s a bit beyond your comprehension. But regardless, water is coming in, so all of you have to get out.
“We’re going to lose the machine!” you say.
“We’re going to drown if we don’t get out of here,” Jase says. “I don’t want my tombstone to say ‘died in an outhouse’!”
The three of you manage to get out of the time machine before it fills completely. But now you’re in the lake, splashing around.
Several ducks find you and land nearby.
“Wish I had my gun,” Jase says.
“Wish you had a brain,” you tell him.
“Did you pick Duck or Buck?” John Luke asks.
The ducks quack as if they’re mocking all of you.
“What do
you
think?”
“I think you chose
poorly
,” John Luke says.
“Korie is so gonna kill us,” you tell them.
Then you start swimming, trying to avoid the ducks on your way to shore.
THE END
THIS PLACE IS TOTAL DARKNESS.
And for a while, you wonder if it really is the ark since you don’t hear any animals. But then you turn a corner, and it’s as if you suddenly enter a zoo. You realize you started in an unused part of this boat but that this deck has what sounds like hundreds of rooms of animals.
You still can’t see a thing, so you only detect the animals by noise or smell. You pass a room that rings with the squawks of a thousand birds. Another room has lots of shuffling going on in it. Then you walk right into an animal that lets out a loud “hee-haw.” You pet it and feel its ears, then shake your head.
I end up on an entire boat full of animals and the first one I run into is a screaming donkey.
You keep moving, trying to locate any human being.
This boat is so big you think you could end up spending hours lost in the darkness. It’s like being inside the biggest indoor mall in the world with all the lights out and no way to get in touch with anybody.
As you silently walk down another darkened hallway, you hear something to your left.
“Willie?”
Your name seems to hover all around you. You recognize Phil’s voice but can’t see him.
“Come over here. Be quiet.”
You enter a room to your left. There you can hear ducks.
“Phil, is that you?” you ask.
You always call your dad by his first name. This dates back to when you started working with Duck Commander and wanted to be professional and grown-up. It’s stuck since then.
“I could see you a mile away,” he says.
There’s a little light coming through a small hole the size of your fist.
“It’s a makeshift window,” Phil tells you. “I have a piece of wood that fits inside it to keep too much rain from coming in.”
“We gotta get out of here.”
Phil nods. “You got that right.”
“Did you . . . did you want to come back here to Noah’s time?”
“Of course I did. I’ve always wanted to see what the ark looked like.”
“Did you have to pick the one and only time God decided to wipe out mankind from the face of the earth?” you ask, sorta joking and sorta not. “I mean, couldn’t we have seen Joseph and his coat of many colors? Or what about Moses? The parting of the Red Sea would’ve been nice. Or maybe hearing Jesus preach?”
“You shoulda come with me in the first place,” Phil tells you.
“Have you met Noah?”
Phil puts a hand over your mouth. “Shh.”
“What?”
Your father shakes his head. “He’s a bit
—well, saying he’s intense just doesn’t do it justice.”
“You saw him, then.”
“Yes. And we don’t want to see him again. He’s a wild man, that Noah.”
“Really?”
Phil nods. “And they say
I’m
wild.”
“So you’ve seen the ark. Let’s get out of here.”
You manage to slip back out of the ark, and now you’re headed away from the unruly crowd, back to the time machine. The rain is falling hard. Puddles are everywhere.
“So when’d you get here?” you ask Phil.
“Oh, I reckon it’s been about five or six days. They hadn’t closed up shop yet on the ark.”
“So you saw all the animals.”
“Every one of them,” Phil says. “It was like the most amazing and messy zoo you’ve ever been to. Koala bears right next to lions. Some of those animals I’d never even seen before.”
“I still can’t believe how big that thing was.”
“I hope you took some pictures of it.”
You look at Phil. “What for? Are you planning on sharing them on our Facebook page or something?”
“It’d be nice to show Miss Kay.”
“I was a little too busy
saving
you.”
“Is that what you call it?” Phil says. “I remember you looking a little lost.”
You guys reach the time machine and get back inside. You’re both drenched.
“Let’s go back home,” Phil says.
You suddenly have this awful thought.
John Luke. Uncle Si. Jase.
“We have to pick all the other guys up.”
“Really? And where’d they go?”
A door in the back wall of the machine swooshes open, and John Luke comes in, eating something. He’s followed by Si and Jase.
“They have the most amazing puffballs in the back there,” Jase says. “Each one tastes like some kind of meal. Lobster. Chicken stir-fry. Egg foo yong.”
“What are you guys doing in here?” you ask.
“Man, you’re wet,” Si says.
“We got back in the time machine,” John Luke says. “Didn’t the red-haired guy explain to you how the machine works?”
You shake your head.
“Think of this as a door,” Jase says as if he’s trying to imitate an intelligent-sounding voice.
“This right here’s the stairway to heaven, Jack,” Si states.
“I’d prefer going home and getting some warm clothes,” Phil says.
“So why didn’t any of you come out and get us?” you ask the three of them.
“I’m not going out
there
,” Jase says. “It’s the end of the world.”
“And we were out there,” you remind him. “We could’ve died. Thanks to you.”
“We were eating puffballs,” Si says.
John Luke nods.
“Okay, gentlemen,” Phil says. “Let’s set our sails for West Monroe.”
“And let’s try to make it before Korie’s party, okay?” you say.
“We still gotta get Mom her birthday present,” John Luke says.
You nod as Jase works at one of the control panel screens.
“Do you guys have any of those puffballs left?” you ask. “Bet Korie would love them.”
THE END