Willie's Redneck Time Machine (11 page)

IT DOESN’T TAKE YOU LONG
to find a Confederate deserter to switch clothes with. At first he thought he was going to be captured when he saw you with the general, so he’s more than happy when all you demand is his uniform. Granted, it’s a little short and tight, but that’s okay. The soldier even lets you have his horse. Giddyup.

You’ve always wanted to be a soldier.

“Where is Robert E. Lee?” you ask Stonewall Jackson.

But he is not talking to you. Even after you’ve explained half a dozen times that you’re from the future. They don’t understand the things you know. Time travel
is
real. Well, it
might
be real one day. To Stonewall (currently Stone
face
), though, time travel is made-up nonsense.

You’ve decided that maybe it’s okay to save Stonewall Jackson’s life. But you’re not trying to help the South win the war.

Saving Stonewall Jackson won’t save the South.

Or will it?
You can’t access Twitter to take a poll.

“You do know we’re saving your life,” you tell the general. “You realize you would get shot in battle? By your own men?”

The stern-faced general doesn’t reply. Jase, however, does.

“‘Fat guy in a little coat,’” he sings to you.

“Shut up and let’s get these horses going.” The only problem is, you’re not sure where to go. “Excuse me, General? What direction is Gettysburg?”

“I think that’s Pennsylvania,” Jase says.

“Where are we, again?”

“Virginia.”

You nod.

“Are they next to each other?” Jase asks.

“You should have paid better attention in geography,” you tell your brother.

Stonewall Jackson can only shake his head.

You’ve been riding for half an hour when two figures approach on foot. One wears a dark poncho with a cowboy hat and the other a sombrero. Both appear to be carrying holstered pistols.

“Good day, gentlemen,” you say.

“Have any of you stumbled upon a man called Angel Eyes?”

“No,” Jase says, looking at you. “Willie, you know who this is?”

The two men sure look familiar.

“What are your names?” Jase asks.

“You can call me Tuco,” the sombrero man says with an accent. “He’s Blondie.”

“I’m just waiting for the music now,” Jase says. “You know
 
—the
aheeaheeaaaaaaaa
.”

“We’re back in time,” you say. “Not in a movie.”
Are there no rules to this thing?

The guy named Blondie is talking to you now. Not only that
 
—his gun is aimed at you. You kinda wish you had a weapon to defend yourself, even that dagger you found in the warehouse from the Thanksgiving play
 
—not that it would do much good against a gun.

“Give us the horses,” he says. “You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who walk. You walk.”

You’re about to get off your horse, but
Stonewall Jackson won’t take any more of this. He begins to ride away.

Suddenly Tuco gets nervous and draws his gun too. Jase bends over and looks like he’s going to jump off the horse, but the nervous bandit thinks he’s doing something else.

The sound of gunfire is the last thing you hear.

Actually, it’s the steady sound of drums, followed by a flute that sounds like a coyote.

Wah, wah, wah . . .
turns into “Oops! . . . I Did It Again.” All of a sudden you’re in the Duck Commander warehouse, your ears echoing with the sounds of gunshots and drums.

THE END

Start over.

Read “The Morning Fog: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”

“YOU’RE PRETTY HANDSOME,
you know that?” you tell your high school self.

He doesn’t seem that impressed or amused. More like creeped out. He’s standing in front of John Luke, still looking like he might be ready to start a fight.

A clash between the mullet heads. That’s gonna be great.

“Hey, man, can we go take a walk?”

You know he’ll say yes because he
 
—you
 
—learned to always respect your elders.

“Yes, sir.”

You vacate the crowded gym for the hallway, leaving John Luke behind. A group of students walk past and make jokes about the beard. You’re used to it.

“So how’re you doing tonight?”

“Fine.”

“Really? You don’t
look
fine.”

He doesn’t say anything. It’s funny seeing yourself. Especially a younger and clean-shaven version of yourself.

“Can I tell you a few things? A few things about life?”

“I’m not going to do anything to the kid,” he says. “Is he your son?”

You smile and nod. “Well, yes, he is.”

“I’m not going to get in a fight.”

“Listen
 
—there are times you have to put up a fight for the things you believe in. But you do so in a responsible way. How you feel about Korie
 
—that’s a cool thing. Don’t ever let it go, okay? She’s a good lady.”

He gives you a suspicious look because, of course, he has no clue who you are. Or maybe it’s because you called Korie a “lady.”

“I just want you to know
 
—you’re almost out of here. And you have your whole world ahead of you. Make sure you don’t change. Okay? Keep the things your parents have taught you close to your heart. Trust God. There are going to be some trying times, but that’s okay. You might find yourself working in an ice cream plant in a cooler all day long. Don’t let that wear you down. Big things are ahead for you.”

He nods. You can tell he’s still trying to figure out who you are, since that’s exactly what you’d do.

INXS starts to play.

“Man, I love these guys,” you tell him.

“Yeah, so do I.”

This is weird.

You have the opportunity to tell yourself anything. But you’ve already said enough.

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“One day you’ll be able to rock a beard like this one. And don’t let anybody fool you
 
—people fear the beards.”

You both go back into the gym, where you find John Luke being cornered by another girl: Jill Baxter.

A girl who was in love with you and started stalking you for a while.

“Let’s go, John Luke.”

“This is Willie Robertson,” Jill says in a hands-off-he’s-mine tone.

“This is my son, whom I will kill for if necessary,” you say.

It’s true
 
—not that you’re going to harm her. But sometimes you just need to state the obvious to those who aren’t so smart.

Jill gives you a snotty look, but she also appears to be terrified of you. She disappears in the crowd.

“That girl was crazy,” John Luke said.

“Sometimes the best thing you can do when a girl tells you she likes you is run. Run away as fast as you can.”

So that’s what both of you do.

Go here
.

“SIR,” YOU SAY,
“it’s an honor and a privilege to meet you, but my idiot brother does not know what he’s doing.”

General Stonewall Jackson stands in front of his horse while Jase shakes his head next to you.

“You’re handing them the keys to the war,” Jase says.

“Have you forgotten
everything
about the Civil War? Do I really need to explain why you can’t just kidnap Stonewall Jackson?” You change your tone before speaking to Jackson again. “We really don’t mean you any harm, sir.”

The general does not look amused or impressed.

Jase appears to have a few more things to share with him. “Maybe you’ll just want to be a little careful, especially when it comes to your
 
—”

“Jase. Shut up.”

You’re about to drag Jase back to the time machine, but then you remember something.

Korie’s birthday present.

“Oh, sir, can I ask one favor?”

Soon you’re pulling Jase back into the outhouse while the completely confused and confounded general stares at both of you.

He’s just waiting to tell his men about us so they can take us away.

But the time machine will be gone before that.

Once the door closes, you swat Jase on the back of his head.

“What’s that for?” he asks.

“For being an idiot.”

“I was trying to help General Stonewall Jackson.”

“Don’t you know the first rule about time travel?” you ask.

“Save Stonewall Jackson?”

“You don’t go and try to kill Hitler.”

Jase just shakes his head and puts his cap back on. “You got the wrong war.”

“Avoid paradoxes.”

Suddenly you hear knocking at the door.

“Do you know how to get back?” you ask Jase.

“There’s a way to program this thing, you know. The redheaded man told me. It’s right over here.”

The knocking escalates to banging. They might be able to get through the door if you don’t escape soon.

“Take us back home,” you command Jase.

“But what about trying something else out?”

“Home. Today. I still have to find John Luke.”

Does Jase get you both back home in time for Korie’s birthday party?
Go here
.

Does Jase decide to take you somewhere else?
Go here
.