But what had happened to Sara?
If she’d been born as asexual as her scent, would she feel sadness about it? Would she understand the difference or even care?
Having always been a highly sexual being, Jerden couldn’t relate to that, but he did know the sense of loss when those feelings were gone. He missed the heady aroma of a woman who wanted him, the rush of blood through his groin, the stiffening of his cock, and the flow of slick fluid from the crown.
No, she couldn’t have always been like this. She had once been as much a woman as any other. Something must have occurred to make her this way—some event or trauma, or even a slow erosion of feelings. It had to have been something that was done to her. No one would do such a thing to herself, not when love and passion were such glorious things. He would never have voluntarily chosen to give up his sexuality and couldn’t imagine what would make her do it. But then, he wasn’t a woman and had no more insight into the workings of their minds than any man. Having spent most of his adult life in the company of females and learned everything he could about how to give them the ultimate pleasure, he still didn’t know everything, and anytime he thought he did, another would come along to prove him wrong.
He glanced at Danuban. He was quiet, not screaming at Sara to interrupt her dreams. Perhaps he didn’t have the same connection with her that he had with Jerden. Still, the pain emanating from her was excruciating. Moving closer to her, Jerden did something he hadn’t done in months. He began to purr.
Laying a hand on her shoulder so gently she might not have been aware of his touch even if she’d been awake, he leaned in to whisper softly in her ear. “Whatever it is, Sara, it isn’t worth the pain. Let it go.”
He almost laughed aloud at his words. She probably wouldn’t heed them any more than he had when his friends had given him similar advice. How to let go was something she would have to learn for herself, and the gods only knew he hadn’t learned the way of it yet—not completely. His nightmares might have ceased for the moment, but the guilt was still with him.
Even so, he noted a subtle change in her scent. Her misery was diminishing—at least, the misery in her dreams. What she would feel when she awoke was anyone’s guess. He knew he shouldn’t be there when that time came. She would be uncomfortable with him in her bed when he was no longer unconscious, perhaps even fearful.
He rose carefully and found the bathroom nearby. Closing the door, he turned on the light and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked like hell, which wasn’t surprising, since that was where he’d lived for some time now. Had he truly turned the corner and moved on? He wasn’t sure yet, but he did feel different—more like the self he’d been before Audrey’s murder, though not
quite
the same.
A pawing at the door made him open it a crack, and a cat he didn’t recognize sauntered in, eyeing him curiously.
So, she has cats in her house too.
The bobtailed tabby glanced up at him and stalked over to the litter box in the corner. After giving it a sniff to reassure herself that it hadn’t been disturbed, the cat sat down to observe him. Jerden washed his face and hands and then took a good, long drink.
I
should
leave
now.
As he shut off the light and turned to go, something drew him back to Sara’s room and into her bed. He knew that leaving was the best option, but he wasn’t quite ready for that yet. If he was careful, she wouldn’t have to know he’d already awakened.
As though she’d known he would return, Cria hadn’t moved at all. She knew him too well—perhaps better than he knew himself. The odd thing was, when he’d purred for Sara, it was intended as a means of comfort, rather than seduction. He’d rarely done that before—had seldom felt the need—but Sara was unlike any other woman with whom he’d shared a bed. She needed him; she simply didn’t know it yet.
Somehow, without even meaning to, she had gotten Jerden through the darkest hours of his life. She wouldn’t see it that way, of course. She’d simply provided Danuban, who had been the catalyst for change. His thoughts touched lightly on the notion that the horse alone hadn’t been enough to cause the break. There was something about Sara that intrigued him, like the elusive solution to a puzzle, an enigma that made him want to delve further into her thoughts, her life, her
being.
As he slipped between the sheets, she stirred briefly, not waking enough to question or even notice the movement. She was undoubtedly inured to her cats jumping up on the bed from time to time, and Jerden could be very stealthy when he chose. He would lie just as he’d been when he first awoke. She wouldn’t know he’d moved, and he would be there to help if her dreams should turn sour again. He owed her that much.
***
Sara’s eyes flew open as she felt the vibration and the heat. Her first thought was that the leopard was behind her until she realized that a hand rested on her arm, not a paw. So, Zetithians really
could
purr. She’d known of this trait—it was impossible to live in the Nimbaza region and not hear the talk—but she’d never experienced it firsthand. Unfortunately, she would have been more comfortable if it
had
been Cria snuggled up against her. The fact that it was Jerden sent a chill through her body. The first night she’d lain in a similar position, but having him draped over her in slumber made her nervous, apprehensive, even slightly afraid…
Her fear wasn’t so much due to his position in her bed as it was to what he would surely do and say when he woke up and realized where he was and just whose bed he was lying in—the kind of reaction she’d done her best to avoid for almost as long as she could remember. Given that he was still grieving for another woman ruled out the other cause for her apprehension—that and the fact that if what Bonnie had told her was true, Zetithians never needed to resort to force—and probably
couldn’t
if the scent of a woman’s desire was necessary. Quashing these fears, she consoled herself with the fact that this meant he had recovered—if not fully, at least to the point that she no longer needed to remain close by. He might even be ready to go home.
What a relief! Now she could get back to normal. Jerden would hole up in his house again, and Danuban’s presence would keep Nate from coming around to offer his stallion’s services to her mares. And if Nate wanted to think that with Jerden around, he didn’t stand a chance of becoming Sara’s suitor, so much the better.
The niggling suspicion that Jerden could change her attitude toward men was a thought she put firmly aside. She didn’t need an attitude adjustment. She only needed the freedom to live her life the way she wanted. Catering to a man’s whims held no appeal for her, and she enjoyed her own company as much as she enjoyed making her own decisions.
Except when it came to what to have for breakfast. She’d been letting the hired help dictate what she ate for so long, she’d forgotten her own preference. She was so sick of pancakes, she could scream. The time had come to assert her independence in that respect, if nothing else. She was skipping the damn pancakes and having two eggs over easy with toast. No syrup. No jam. Nothing sweet at all. Just butter.
She wasn’t going to pussyfoot around with Jerden, either. Not caring whether she woke him up or not, she threw back the covers and sat up. His arm slid off her shoulder, landing on the bed to rest against her hip. If he’d been awake, he wouldn’t have let it touch her.
Or
would
he?
She gave him a nudge. “Hey, are you awake?”
Jerden exhaled with a loud purr and cleared his throat. “I think so.”
“Feel well enough to go home?”
“Maybe.”
“What the hell was wrong with you, anyway?”
“I’m not sure.”
Sara felt him moving behind her and got up, hoping he would do the same. As she turned to face him, she remembered.
He’s naked.
She doubted that any of her pants would fit him. Zatlen’s jeans would cut off his circulation, and Drania’s tiny coveralls were completely out of the question. Maybe if she handed him a towel, he’d take the hint. On the other hand, Reutal never wore clothing, so perhaps ignoring his nudity was the best approach. It had worked before.
“Vladen said you’d wake up eventually, but I was beginning to have my doubts.” She blew out a pent-up breath. “I’m getting ready to fix breakfast for the gang. Are you hungry?”
Yawning, he nodded and scratched his head, drawing her attention to his hair. That was one thing she would miss when he left. It was absolutely beautiful. “Starving.”
“What would you like?”
He slid out from under the covers and sat up. “What do you have?”
Sara shrugged, averting her eyes from his groin. “The usual stuff. Eggs, pancakes, toast… that sort of thing.”
Please,
anything
but
pancakes…
Tossing her a grin that was obviously intended to be disarming, he stood up.
His smile was disarming, all right—and breathtaking. It was a moment before Sara could speak. “I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile. You really must be feeling better.”
“I am.” He yawned again, displaying his fangs. “How about a couple of eggs and maybe some toast? Not sure I’m up to eating a stack of pancakes.”
Sara was almost afraid to ask. “How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, fried, boiled?”
“Over easy.”
She could hardly believe her ears. “Butter on the toast?”
“Yeah.”
“Tea?”
He nodded. “But no sugar.”
“You got it.”
If he kept that up, she might even let him stay for lunch.
Drania peered down the hallway toward Sara’s bedroom. “So, is he awake yet?”
Sara nodded. “Yeah. He’s taking a shower.”
The little Rutaran’s ears wiggled with excitement as she took the stack of plates from the counter and set them on the table. “D’you suppose he needs someone to wash his back?”
“I dunno,” said Sara, trying not to think about doing it herself. “You could ask him.”
Drania paused, giving her a quizzical look. “Sure you wouldn’t mind?”
Sara gaped at her. “Why would I mind?”
“Well, he
has
been in your bed for the past two nights. I would’ve thought…”
“And that gives me some claim to him? I don’t think so. It was more like being his nurse—not that I did a whole lot besides turn him over once in a while.”
If Drania’s expression had been quizzical before, it was downright skeptical now. “
Sure
, you did. If he’d been in my bed, I’d have—”
“Done what?” Reutal said as he popped in through the back door, followed closely by Zatlen. “Sucked his dick? Licked his balls?”
“Wouldn’t have done much good while he was unconscious, now would it?” Drania said with a wry grin. “Though it might have been just the thing to bring him around.” She ran her tongue over her lips as though about to devour something truly delicious.
Sara refrained from comment, deciding that this was one conversation she ought to sit out. There was no point in egging Reutal on, aside from the fact that she couldn’t begin to understand why anyone would want to do such a thing to a man, whether he was conscious or not.
“What’s stopping you?” Reutal asked.
“He’s awake.”
Reutal’s eyes lit up. “Ah! There’ll be some interesting stuff happening now.”
Frowning, Sara forgot all about her decision to keep quiet. “I doubt it. He’ll probably go home right after breakfast.”
The Norludian shook his head, pursing his fishlike lips. “Bet he doesn’t.”
He was right. There was the whole Danuban issue to be dealt with first. Sara had a feeling that if Jerden were to ride the stallion home and then turn him loose, the chances of Danuban coming back to her barn were slim to none. It seemed that the only way to keep the horse was to keep Jerden.
Her anxiety level went up a notch at the mere thought. Far better to put up a force field around the paddock. Or drug the stud into docility. Or just give up and let Jerden have him. “That’s up to him.”
Drania’s ears pricked forward. “What, you mean you’d let him stay here?”
“Well, not
forever
,” Sara said. Though if it meant she didn’t have to eat pancakes ever again, she might consider it. Which was stupid; she could have her choice whether he was there or not. The question was, why hadn’t she? She shook her head as she cracked the eggs into the skillet, trying to figure out why the breakfast menu had anything to do with anything.
Stupid.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Zatlen was clearly horrified. “No pancakes?”
“Yes, I’ll fix pancakes,” Sara snapped. “Jerden didn’t want any, and he put his order in first.” Just why all of this should irritate her, she had no idea. Raking a hand through her hair, she nodded toward the table. “Just sit down and be patient.”
As she returned to her task, Sara glimpsed the quick upward flick of Zatlen’s eyebrows. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly. “Sorry if I sound a little testy this morning. I didn’t sleep very well.”
“Bad dreams?” If the lilt in his tone was any indication, Reutal was baiting her, but, again, he was probably right.
“Maybe.” Whatever the cause, she was still feeling the dregs of it. Not only was she irritated, but her heart beat faster than normal and her hands were like ice. She began mixing the pancakes and dropped the whisk, splattering little bits of batter all over the floor. “Shit.”
“
Definitely
testy.”
She threw a quelling glance at Reutal just as Jerden walked into the kitchen with the leopard at his heels.
His bronzed skin caught the early morning light, outlining thick veins that ran up his muscular arms. His hair hung to his waist in gleaming ebony spirals. As his glowing, catlike eyes swept over her, her trembling hands faltered, nearly causing her to drop the bowl.
He’s still naked.
Sara’s heart slammed against her sternum with the force of a horse’s kick.
What
is
wrong
with
me? I’ve seen him naked before. Just now, in fact.
Swallowing with more effort than usual, she tried to smile, failing miserably. “It’s good to see you.” Heat flooded her face.
That
didn’t sound right.
“Up and about, I mean.” She cleared her throat with an effort. “Not sure you’ve met the gang yet, Jerden—at least not officially. This is Drania, Zatlen, and Reutal.” She pointed to each of them in turn. “H-have a seat.”
Drania pulled out a chair. “Here, you can have my place.”
Jerden’s lips curled into an oddly secretive smile as he shook his head. “No need. I can stand.” Returning his gaze to Sara, once again, he gave her a swift, downward glance. “Let me get that for you.”
Completely bewildered, Sara stared at him as he came toward her and then bent down to retrieve the whisk with one swift, fluid movement. Crossing to the sink, he rinsed it off before handing it back to her. Cria was already licking the batter off the floor when a pop from the skillet startled her and she nearly dropped the whisk again. Jerden promptly turned and gave the eggs a quick, practiced flip as though he’d helped her in the kitchen a million times.
Then the reason for her nervousness hit her.
I
slept
with
that
man, and now I’m fixing his breakfast. I didn’t have sex with him, but everyone assumes I did.
If it weren’t so outrageous, it would have been funny. Sex? With
him
?
Not
likely
. Sara wasn’t the sort of woman men like Jerden lusted after, nor was she willing to pay a thousand credits for his services. Her one and only sexual experience had been so degrading she had no desire to repeat it. Ever.
***
Reutal gave Jerden the once-over with his strange, protuberant eyes. “Well, now… you look to be completely cured. Feeling better?”
“
Much
better.” But not cured. The fact that his cock remained flaccid when Drania was pumping out sex pheromones like crazy proved that. At the moment, it was just as well that he
hadn’t
recovered. Sara had looked like she’d seen a ghost when he approached her. If he’d had an erection, she probably would’ve screamed.
Standing right next to her, the only scent he could identify was her anxiety. No desire whatsoever. He should do her a favor and get lost as soon as possible. He owed her that much.
He dished up the eggs just as the toast popped up. As she buttered the toast, Sara nodded toward the glazed teapot sitting on the table. “The tea’s there by your cup.” Apparently Drania didn’t need to give up her place. Sara had already given up hers. “Help yourself.”
“Thanks.” In the past, he could have repaid her for her trouble with joy if she’d been willing. Human pheromones were so much more appealing to Zetithian noses than those of Rutarans. Anytime he’d done a Rutaran, which was unusual, he’d always needed Audrey to enhance the effect.
Audrey.
The nightmare was gone, but the guilt remained. No, he wouldn’t be fucking a Rutaran or anyone else anytime soon.
He glanced at Sara, who was still busy making pancakes. If he hurried, he could wolf down his meal and be out of there before she even
needed
a place to sit. He sat in the chair she’d indicated and Cria took up her usual position beside him.
Although eating quickly was the best course of action, he hadn’t reckoned on the change his long sleep had wrought. After months of eating food that tasted like so much dust, this simple fare was a sumptuous feast. The eggs drew a moan from him and the buttered toast was practically orgasmic. Chewing slowly, he savored each mouthful until a sip of tea nearly sent him over the edge.
“You must have really been hungry,” Reutal commented. “But if you think that’s good, you should try the pancakes.” Licking his lips, he rubbed his flat belly. “They’re
fabulous
.”
Jerden hadn’t wanted any before, but their delectable aroma was making him rethink that decision. He stole a peek at Sara. “Maybe just a couple.”
She rolled her eyes. “And I had such high hopes for you.”
“Meaning?”
“That it was nice to make something besides pancakes for a change. I’m sick of them!”
Reutal groaned. “Oh, Sara, say it isn’t so!”
“No problem, Reutal.” She let out a resigned sigh. “I was just enjoying the variety.”
Reutal nodded toward Jerden. “Trust me, you want him to keep up his strength, Sara. Pancakes will help.”
The Norludian’s remark caught Sara in the act of handing a plate stacked high to Drania. She glared at Reutal. “And just what is
that
supposed to mean?”
Reutal gave her a saucy grin. “Men fuck better if you feed them. Didn’t you know that?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Drania passed the plate on to Jerden. “Here you go, big guy. Eat up.”
An odd feeling bubbled up inside him and Jerden heard something he hadn’t heard in a very long time. His own laughter.
Reutal howled with glee and even Zatlen was chuckling as Drania wiggled her ears suggestively. “And be sure to use lots of butter and syrup.”
With a knowing wink at Drania, he stabbed three of the pancakes and plopped them on his plate. Laughing felt so good, Jerden didn’t stop to consider Sara’s feelings, but one glimpse of her standing stiffly in front of the stove with her back to the others proved that he should have. Working diligently and displaying no hint of mirth—suppressed, or otherwise—she was clearly
not
amused.
He was about to tell her to lighten up when he remembered the waves of despair that had emanated from her during the night. No, getting Sara to lighten up with regard to him, or sex, or anything else, wouldn’t be easy, and the mere suggestion would probably have the opposite effect, something Jerden knew from his own experience. He’d been the recipient of loads of good advice in the weeks following Audrey’s murder, and he hadn’t heeded a single bit of it. How could he possibly tell her to relax when he could barely do it himself?
That was changing, however. Putting a dollop of butter on top, he poured syrup all over the stack of pancakes. The first bite was a flavor explosion. So sweet, but not as sweet as the essence of a lady who desired him.
“Good?” Drania asked, her round eyes gazing at him through thick lashes.
“Very.” The second bite wasn’t nearly as intoxicating, but it was still quite tasty. Women, on the other hand, tasted better as their arousal escalated, and the flavor of a woman in the throes of orgasm was the ultimate taste sensation—nearly orgasmic in and of itself. Drania was definitely cute. She would be fun to fuck. He could hold her in his lap and drill his cock into her creamy pussy—his preferred method of intercourse with a Rutaran—fucking her until her ears lay flat with bliss. Too bad he couldn’t do it. She was probably hurt that her scent hadn’t aroused him. It should have. Perhaps not to the degree that a Terran’s could, but he should have been able to do
something
with her.
Then he remembered that his habit of fucking any woman who expressed an interest was what had gotten Audrey killed and his own sexuality essentially destroyed. Perhaps Sara had the right idea after all; deny it until it died from neglect. Channel that energy into something else. He glanced around the room. It was a simple, country kitchen, but with touches in design and decor that were distinctly feminine—not the plain functional manner in which his own home was furnished. Lacy curtains framed the windows, baskets of flowering plants hung suspended from the ceiling, and painted landscapes adorned the creamy yellow walls. Then there were the horses she bred and trained. Romantic, elegant… Indeed, there was romance in her soul; it simply wasn’t directed toward men in general—or him in particular.
But all that could be changed. He could show her, teach her…
No, he couldn’t.
Forget
it. It’s gone, and she doesn’t want it anyway.
Suddenly, the food lost its flavor and once again became just so much matter to stuff into his body to keep it alive. And for what? To sit around thinking about the old days when his life was one seemingly endless orgasm? Or to reminisce about the way in which every woman he touched sighed with pleasure as she sank into the peaceful serenity of
laetralant
delight?
His life had been occupied with women’s desire for so long he was lost without it. What he needed now was a goal, a direction, a reason for living. Simply existing without purpose held no appeal for him whatsoever. He could make it his life’s work to show Sara what she’d been missing, but without a functioning cock, that task would be difficult, if not impossible.
Jerden pushed his plate away, more than half of the food uneaten. He needed to be alone again. The chatter of conversation needled him sharply, reminding him that he didn’t belong there, wasn’t part of the group, and probably never would be.
“That’s all you want?” Drania asked.
Jerden nodded. “Guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”
“No problem. The dogs will eat it.” She took his plate and set it on the floor. As if on cue, a pack of dogs trotted into the kitchen.
His
dogs.
So, they haven’t left me.
The little rat-dog was crowded out and took up a position at Sara’s feet, apparently recognizing her as the source of the goodies. He’d forgotten that one was also part of his menagerie. The newest member, perhaps, but certainly one of his—unless she’d been Sara’s dog to begin with.
“That tiny one only showed up a few days ago. It isn’t your dog, is it?”
He was speaking to Sara, but Drania answered him. “No. The black lab is the only one that lives here. The rest of them are yours.”