When The Right Door Opens (2 page)

Unfortunately, Jamie's biggest support,
Lauren's parents, fell away soon after he started his fourth and
last year at college. Until then, even when he hit a rough patch
once in a while, his life had been good. Lauren's mother had been
diagnosed with malicious breast cancer and died only four months
after getting the diagnosis. Lauren's father died shortly after his
wife from a heart attack. Lauren was hurting so much that she
withdrew completely from Jamie and even blamed Agnes for her
parent's deaths. The gap between mother and child grew and grew and
Jamie's life was now turned upside down by it too.

He dropped out of college, to be a full time
father and consecrate his entire life to now six-year old Agnes and
her well-being. His carefully built up support system broke down
from one moment to the next and he found himself alone and broke
with his little girl once again. His dreams about being an
architect were buried, and as if life had not been hard enough on
him already, he lost his job too, because the video-store, where he
was able to work shifts was closed down.

Countless nights, Jamie cried himself to
sleep, not knowing how to go on with his life and how to be a good
father to Agnes anymore. He saw his savings slowly melt away, while
doubts ate him from within and added to the anxiety that someone
from child services might notice them and come to take Agnes away
from him. Every sideways look from a neighbor or a teacher enhanced
Jamie's paranoia and he stopped going out entirely.
You can be
poor as dirt, as long as nobody else knows and notices,
was his
logical thought.

One night, when all Jamie had left were ten
dollars in his pocket, he decided that the only way out of his
financial misery could be found at the corner of the street. For
months, he had thought about it and every time he had managed to
push the thoughts away again, because he had not reached rock
bottom just yet. But now, there was no other way out anymore. He
couldn't find another way out of the mess he had brought upon
himself and his daughter anymore. Nobody wanted to hire a single
parent. A gay single parent without a degree. It wasn't for the
lack of writing applications, but he was never considered for an
interview and every rejecting letter cemented Jamie's self-loathing
even more.
How can I do this to my own flesh and blood?

With Lauren's help, he was able to make a
deal to make his new 'career' work. She was not pleased with his
choice, but she didn't offer any other form of support for him. She
didn't want him or Agnes moving in with her. She didn't want to
assume the role of full-time mother, but she came over every night
and made sure Agnes wasn't alone. Instead of being a mother for her
child, she was a baby-sitter. Nothing more, and that was how she
wanted to keep things. She wasn't cold hearted, but she never was
able to develop deeper feelings for her child. She solely did this
for Jamie, a friend in need. Not for his child. She didn't even
consider Agnes her own child anymore. She was Jamie's and Jamie's
alone.

For a few hours every night, Jamie would work
and sell the only thing he had left – himself. His body and its
orifices where now available to buy at a moderate price. Every
night, when he came home after his work, he gave Lauren some of his
earnings, as a compensation for her own lost time. The rest was for
him and Agnes. It wasn't much, but paid the rent and three meals a
day. It also helped keeping Agnes well dressed and prying neighbors
and teachers away.

Pimps didn't like Jamie, because he preferred
to work alone, without them. He was one of the very few hustlers
who wasn't under protection from a pimp, and he didn't need to
leave most of his earnings behind, but to his own surprise no one
ever approached him wrongfully, he was never threatened after the
initial introductions, and he was left alone once he had found
'his' corner between an adult bookstore and a Chinese dry cleaning
shop.

The business was much friendlier than it had
been depicted in movies he had seen or books he had read.
Nevertheless, he did his best to not step on anybody's toes and to
stay carefully guarded. Maybe, the people who ran these streets
where not as violent or threatening in their approach as others,
but that didn't mean that it couldn't change at any moment.

Jamie's first customer ever had been a young
over-weight man, who simply had wanted a blow-job. And although
Jamie was nervous, shy and shaking, he managed to perform well and
the man became a regular customer. His second client had been a
top, like most men who stopped to pick him up. He needed to insist
on protection, but everything else was okay, if only a little
rough. It only reassured Jamie that he had made the right choice.
It was easy money and he always had the choice to climb into the
car of a John or not.

Jamie hated the reality of his job and how it
was conceived by most people, but if it was able to offer him a
little time with his girl and make it appear as if they had a
normal life, it was worth it. Jamie knew he would do anything for
his child, even if he was dying a little inside with every man who
touched him. Jamie felt how he slowly became dulled by his job and
how he gave up on his fantasies to meet the One for himself. He
didn't have the time, or the wish to meet other men anymore
anyway.

Jamie's life was dictated by his daughter and
his job and in between, he tried to stay fit, trim and a little
vain too. Little did he know that his life was about to change and
be turned up side down soon.

~~Chapter 1~~

Loud pounding at the apartment door made Jamie freeze
with his morning coffee in hand. He instantly knew who was at the
door and what it was about. Jamie motioned Agnes, who was sitting
at the table shoveling in her cereals, to keep quiet, while an
angry voice boomed through the closed door. He still held his
finger in front of his lips and craned his neck to listen to
whatever was coming his way. Jamie didn't even dare to move or
breathe audibly.

“McCarrick! I know that you are there. I
heard you and your child. Your rent is overdue. Again. If I don't
see my money by tonight, you are out! Is that clear? I'll change
the locks. I want my money. All of it.” Jamie and Agnes listened,
careful not to give themselves away, as heavy steps walked down the
hall, away from their door.

Agnes looked at her father with big eyes. She
was clearly as shocked as Jamie and by the look of it, she waited
for an explanation, as well as some reassuring words from her
father. Jamie couldn't bear looking at her scared and disappointed
face and turned his back to Agnes. He put his mug on the counter,
trying to compose himself. He felt like crying, but at the same
time, he didn't want to lose it in front of Agnes.

“Dad?” her voice was shaking and barely
audible. Jamie gulped and turned around to face her. Jamie looked
into big inquisitive eyes. By now, Agnes was fourteen and she knew
more about Jamie's job than was good for her. For a brief moment,
he wasn't sure what to say to her, but then he straightened up and
smiled tiredly.

“It's alright sweetheart. Now, go get ready
for school. I will sort everything out tonight.” Jamie knew that
this night he would need to work late and maybe even start earlier,
too. It was mid-January and the nights where going slow. Not many
men were out and about to seek a quick satisfying thrill at that
time of the year. Winter months where always the hardest to get by,
and this time, it was no different.

“I don't want you to go to work tonight.”
Agnes said gruffly, while clearing her bowl and taking her backpack
and coat. Jamie didn't know what to say, other than a quiet “But I
have to.” The girl kissed her father's cheek and nodded curtly.

“Why can't you have a normal job? We could
move away from Gabefield and start anew. Somewhere, where nobody
knows us. You don't have to do this. Not for me.” Agnes's eyes were
pleading and it tore at Jamie's heart, but he believed that there
was no other option for him to gain money.

For six years, he had been doing this every
day, even when he had had a cold, and now he was approaching his
thirtieth birthday without knowing it any other way anymore. He
wished his life was different too, without ever once having regrets
about Agnes's birth.

“I am not a child anymore. You can't keep
everything from me. And I know that you know how much I know.
Please dad, please consider it.” Jamie nodded, wondering when his
little princess had grown up so much. She kissed him again and left
for the school bus, leaving Jamie alone with his conflicting
thoughts.

The moment the door fell into its lock, Jamie
let go. His shoulders sagged and his tears flowed freely. He was
desperate and tired of his life. Wearily, he rubbed his face,
shaking his head hopelessly. Jamie was suddenly very aware that his
daughter was right. Of course, this was not the way to raise a
child or a teenager. He sat down at the table, his head in his
hands. Agnes was right, he needed to turn his life into a different
direction, before he took her down with him. But he didn't know how
to change it. He had no real job, no experience in any other real
job either. He was lucky that he didn't have an addictive
personality, or else he was sure that he would have succumbed to
drugs to numb his feelings. But as it was, Jamie's biggest problem
was money, and that he felt alone and lonely. He had nobody in his
life whom he considered friend enough to burden with his
problems.

However, his self-loathing and – pity party
didn't change the fact that he needed to start his daily routine.
He needed to make money and what was more important, he needed to
make more than on an average night. He took his keys, his phone and
went out for his daily jog. He ran miles and miles every day, to
clear his head and to stay in shape. Running was a cheap sport and
over the years, many men had come to appreciate his build. There
was not an ounce of fat on his body. Everything was lean and tight
muscle, partly from running and partly from watching his diet
closely. Jamie had always been proud of his looks, but recently, he
had started discovering gray hair in his otherwise black mop. It
made him feel old and self-conscious; most of his clients preferred
younger men and not worn out street-whores. My time is up! He
pushed the thoughts away and ran faster.

At home, Jamie made a few calls, one to
ensure that Lauren could be in earlier to be with Agnes and another
one, to order food for them. He cleaned the house and scrubbed the
kitchen spotless and then went to the bathroom to start his daily
beauty program. His looks were what made him earn money; he always
needed to look his best, regardless of his inner wars. He needed to
look better than the other boys on the streets, well groomed, clean
and prepared for his clients.

****

It was still fairly early to take his usual place
under the neon lit sign at the corner of the Chinese dry cleaning
shop and it wasn't completely dark yet. Jamie knew he would look
suspicious, loitering there, but he also knew that this street was
known to be the most popular pick-up place in Gabefield and
everyone would simply look away instead of conjuring up trouble
with the law. Gabefield was a small town after all. People minded
their own business and more than once, they turned a blind eye.
What I don't see doesn't exist! It had always been like this for
Jamie. Not once in the six years he had come to this place daily,
had he had encounters with the police. He was lucky. Others weren't
and he couldn't help wondering if this had to do with the fact,
that he wasn't affiliated with a pimp. Maybe, he flew under the
radar.

It wasn't the first time Jamie stood here, at
this time of the day either. Some months were harder to make ends
meet than others, and December and January in particular. Jamie
loved to spoil his daughter for Christmas and for her birthday,
even if that meant working harder and longer hours for a few weeks
before and after these events. This time, it was one of those days
when money needed to come in and fast. There was no time to revel
in the memories of his child, he needed to switch to hustler-mode
and get into the right mindset. Jamie had no other choice, he
needed the money to pay his rent or his landlord would not hesitate
to throw him and his fourteen-year old daughter out on the street.
Jamie didn't doubt at all that the landlord would act true to his
words. His time was limited to four hours every night, to make as
much money as possible. Lauren had made it very clear that she
would not spend more time with Agnes, and lately had commented on
Agnes's age too and how she was old enough to stay home alone.
Jamie couldn't agree at all. He still saw the toddler she once was,
the child who needed assistance with the most trivial tasks; for
him Agnes was far from independent and if he would have his way,
she would never grow up at all. But as it was, Agnes was turning
from a child into a young lady who acted more maturely than her old
father on occasion. Jamie smiled to himself. He loved his daughter
so much and most memories with her were happy memories. Now, he
could also laugh about the nights he spent with a crying, teething
child, now, he could laugh about the temperament she had had as a
child. Agnes understood well from an early age on what her father
did for a living, and she understood why she was with her mother
every night. A mother who insisted being called by her name –
Lauren – because she didn't want to be a mother to a child. She
understood that they struggled to make ends meet every month and
she knew that she was not to tell a soul what her father did or
they
would come and take her away from her father. It was
ingrained in her brain. Her friends liked her young father and
commented on his good looks or how fun he was. If someone asked her
what he did for a living she always said that he was a salesman,
which was only a small lie. She knew, how dangerously her father
lived and recently, she voiced more and more often that she wanted
him to stop doing this. It was a hard life for a child and Jamie
knew it. He did his best to raise a good girl and be a good father,
to protect her from his job, but he also knew that she was not
naive. And while she seemed to be carefree and a normal
fourteen-year old, complete with first period, first bra and first
crush, Jamie knew that, inside, she was more mature and more
grown-up than she let on and was good for her.