When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (23 page)

OWNER
: No, I want to do it this way. You’ve had enough trouble with that couch and the factory admits
it’s defective. We will absorb the cost since customer satisfaction is what keeps us in business.

MARK
:
Why don’t we just swap cushions? That will be fine with me
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

OWNER
: That won’t work. The dye lots won’t match perfectly.

MARK
: Okay. I’ll expect a call a few days before the first, so someone will be home to receive the delivery.

OWNER
: I’ll have the manager call you personally to arrange a date. By the way, what condition is the couch in? The cushions look brand-new. Is the rest of the couch like that?

MARK
: Yes. Except for the cushion seams, the couch looks brand-new.

OWNER
: I’ll just use your old couch as a demo floor model and things will work out fine.

MARK
: Thank you, Mr. Grimson. I appreciate your working this matter out.

OWNER
: Not at all, I’m sorry this happened. Please send your wife down again to look at our new furniture lines. I’m sure she’ll like them.

MARK
: I’ll tell her about it.

Mark had the most emotional difficulty in dealing with the very slick ploy used by the owner which implied that not only was Mark’s problem with the manufacturer and not with the owner, but Mr. Grimson was behind Mark’s cause 100 per cent and was moving heaven and earth on Mark’s behalf against a very difficult opponent, those hard-nosed SOBs down at the factory. It was difficult for Mark to simply say that he didn’t care about the factory; he was only interested in what the store owner was going to do about the problem. It was difficult, that is, the first time Mark said it. After that, it didn’t bother him at all.

After being successful in coping with the owner and resolving the problem to his satisfaction, Mark realized that he had nothing to rely on during that conflict beside his own assertiveness and simply being persistent in saying what he wanted over and over again to the
store owner. Mark had no legal recourse. He had no social or business-linked threats he could use as leverage on Mr. Grimson to force him to make good on the merchandise he sold. If he tried to make the owner feel guilty over what had happened, Mark would probably not have accomplished much of anything with that master manipulator. Mark could only assertively demand that the owner correct a fault in the merchandise he was sold. If the owner persistently refused, Mark could do nothing more. Being persistently assertive does not guarantee success, but as Mark and other learners have found out, most people in the commercial world have only a few noes in their coping portfolio also. After these noes are assertively coped with, a compromise shortly follows.

Changing perspective again, in the next dialogue a clerk has to cope face-to-face with angry or manipulative people as part of her job.

Dialogue #12
Dorothy copes with
the public in
her civil
service
job.

Dorothy is a clerk-typist in a civil service office that handles various legal procedures for the public. In her job, Dorothy alternates with several other women in performing clerical duties and dealing with people when they come into the office with their problems. Until she became involved in assertive therapy, Dorothy avoided working with the public whenever she could. She reported: “I always felt nervous and didn’t know what to say when I couldn’t give people what they wanted.” Over a period of several weeks, Dorothy practiced being systematically assertive in coping with requests she could do nothing about. The following dialogue is a short sequence in coping with several requests and complaints made to her during this period.

Setting of the dialogue: Dorothy is standing behind the reception counter when two couples walk up to her.

DOROTHY
: (To the first couple, a man and woman in their thirties) Hello, what can I do for you?

FIRST
MAN
: I would like to have my fingerprints taken and have this statement notarized.

DOROTHY
: The notary is on the fourth floor now. Room 407. And we don’t do fingerprinting. You will have to go to the sheriff’s office on Third Street or to the police department on the other side of the parking lot.

FIRST
MAN
: The directory in the lobby says to come to this room.

DOROTHY
:
You’re right. Isn’t that dumb? The notary moved four months ago and they still haven’t changed the directory. You’d think by now they’d get around to changing it
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

FIRST
WOMAN
: Why don’t you do something about it?

DOROTHY
:
I wish we could
. We send memos but the sign is still the same.
I don’t know what to do about it
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

FIRST
WOMAN
: That’s ridiculous. There must be something that can be done about it.

DOROTHY
:
There should be something that could be done
, but
I don’t know what it is
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

FIRST
WOMAN
: With all the taxes we pay, the county should at least give us the right directions.

DOROTHY
:
You’re right. It looks like we just goofed
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

FIRST
MAN
: I was told that I could get my fingerprints taken here.

DOROTHY
:
I’m sure you were
, but we don’t take care of fingerprinting; we never have. [FOGGING]

FIRST
MAN
: I talked to someone over the phone in this office and she told me that you could take fingerprints.

DOROTHY
: Who did you speak to? I’ll find her for you.

FIRST
MAN
: I don’t know, but I talked to this office.

DOROTHY
: Well, if you did,
we really goofed. I always feel irritated when something like that happens to me
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

FIRST
WOMAN
: The county offices are always screwing up.

DOROTHY
:
I know exactly how you feel. It sure seems like that sometimes, doesn’t it?
[SELF-DISCLOSURE and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

(First couple departs and Dorothy turns to second couple, an elderly man and woman)

DOROTHY
: Now what can I do for you?

SECOND
WOMAN
: We want the inheritance forms.

DOROTHY
: Gee,
I don’t know anything about them
. I’ve never had anyone ask about them before. Let me find out. (Picks up phone, dials, describes the situation to her boss, listens to his response, and then turns again to the second couple) We don’t have anything to do with inheritance forms. You have to go to the state offices. They’re in downtown Los Angeles. I’ll write down the address and telephone number. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
MAN
: The guard down in the lobby told us we could get the inheritance forms from this room.

DOROTHY
:
I’m sure he thought you could get them here
. [FOGGING]

SECOND
MAN
: I wish you people would get your signals straight.

DOROTHY
:
You’re right. I wish we could too
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
WOMAN
: Somebody ought to tell him not to send people on wild-goose chases.

DOROTHY
:
I’ll be happy to tell him on my lunch hour that we don’t have the inheritance forms
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

SECOND
WOMAN
: Do you know how much money we will lose if we don’t get those forms in?

DOROTHY
:
No, I don’t
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
WOMAN
: Well, it’s an awful lot, let me tell you.

DOROTHY
:
I’m sure it is
. [FOGGING]

SECOND
WOMAN
: Why don’t you people have the forms we need instead of sending us all the way downtown?

DOROTHY
:
I don’t know
. I guess because they’re state forms and this is a county office. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
WOMAN
: I’d think you government people would get together on something important like this.

DOROTHY
:
I can understand how you feel
, having to make that trip all the way downtown. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
WOMAN
: You’re too young to understand all the troubles we have. Wait until you’re our age and see how much fun it is.

DOROTHY
:
Maybe you’re right. I don’t know for sure how I’ll feel when I’m older
. Anything else I can help you with? [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SECOND
MAN
: (Pulling second woman away from counter) No, thank you. That’s all.

Dorothy’s assertiveness in coping with demands that she cannot satisfy needs no comment from me. She speaks for herself!

Let’s now look at one of the easiest situations in which to get your money’s worth by being assertive; getting your auto fixed by a garage mechanic.

Dialogue #13
Arnold gets
his brakes
fixed.

Arnold purchased a small economy foreign car and, after a thousand miles’ use, noticed that oily leaks were evident on all four wheel rims. Taking it back to the dealer, he spoke to the service representative and was told that the problem was the brake cylinders and that they would be fixed. After picking up the car and driving it for a few days, Arnold was annoyed that the brakes squealed loudly whenever he used them.

Setting of the dialogue: Arnold returns to the dealership and speaks to the service representative.

ARNOLD
: I had my brakes fixed under warranty here a few days ago and the brakes squeal badly. I don’t want them to squeal.

REP
: Well, there is nothing we can do about that. Those are the standard brakes and they all squeal that way.

ARNOLD
:
I’m sure all standard brakes squeal that way
, but when I bought this car the brakes didn’t squeal then and
I don’t want them to squeal now
. [FOGGING AND BROKEN RECORD]

REP
: We can’t do anything about that.

ARNOLD
: What’s the service manager’s name and where can I find him?

REP
: He’s in that office over there.

ARNOLD
:
What’s his name?
[BROKEN RECORD]

REP
: Gerhard Braun.

(Arnold walks into Mr. Braun’s office, finds him dealing with another customer’s complaint, and stands there silently until the other customer leaves.)
MANAGER
: Sit down, sit down. What can I do for you?

ARNOLD
: (Still standing, looks down at the manager and speaks in a calm voice) What’s this crap your service rep is giving me that you can’t fix my brakes. They didn’t squeal when I brought them in to you and now they squeal.

MANAGER
: Do you have the work sheet?

ARNOLD
: (Handing it to him) Yes, and
I want brakes that don’t squeal
. [BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: It says here that the brake cylinders of all four wheels were leaking. We fixed them. Here’s what happened. The mechanic probably found a little brake fluid on the brake shoes and decided to replace them to give you better braking action. He didn’t have to do that, but we like to make sure that each car we repair is completely safe for our customers. We didn’t charge you anything for them. You got a whole new set of brakes for free.

ARNOLD
:
I’m sure what you say is true
, but when I
bought this car, the brakes didn’t squeal and after you repaired it, they do squeal.
I want brakes on my car that don’t squeal
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Well, those are the replacement brakes that the factory provides us. They are much better brakes than the original ones. They are harder and last longer and consequently they will squeal a little.

ARNOLD
: Frankly,
I don’t care what problems you have with your factory replacements. Perhaps they are better brakes
, but
I want brakes on my car that don’t squeal
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE, FOGGING, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But these are brand-new brakes we installed for you for nothing. We didn’t have to do that. We did that as a courtesy to you. We just like to take care of our customers’ driving safely.

ARNOLD
:
It was very courteous
but
I don’t want brakes on my car that squeal
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But if we put the original-style brakes back on your car, they won’t last half as long as these new ones will.

ARNOLD
:
These probably will last longer
, but
frankly, I don’t care what kind of new brake shoes you put on my car as long as they don’t squeal when I use them
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MANAGER
: (Silent for a few moments, biting his lip with a thoughtful, worried look on his face) Can you leave the car with me for this afternoon and pick it up at five o’clock?

ARNOLD
:
Are you going to fix the brakes so they don’t squeal?
[BROKEN RECORD]