Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (20 page)

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Intelligent haunting:
If the ghost crosses in front of you and you say “Hello,” and it stops and looks at you, that’s an intelligent haunting—a dead person that interacts with you.

HOW TO BECOME A GHOST

In the 1970s, Dietrich Dörner, a German psychologist, introduced the “Psi-Theory,” the idea that combinations of behaviors and emotions create “Psi energy,” also called
psychic energy
, which Dörner claimed can exist separate from the body. This theory was later promoted by Loyd Auerbach, one of today’s leading parapsychologists. He believes that after someone dies, their Psi energy can remain intact.

According to Auerbach, some causes of death are more conducive to keeping that energy intact: A sudden, violent end is one way. Another possibility is that people who die with nagging, unfinished business are more likely to “hold” that thought and spend the afterlife trying to finish it. Yet no matter what led to the death, a disembodied energy field is very faint by modern measuring devices. But it can theoretically last for years, even centuries.

WHY AREN’T GHOSTS NAKED?

According to parapsychologists, a ghost either consciously or unconsciously remembers what he or she looked like, and some choose how they will appear to the living. The theory goes that your Psi energy contains information about you, including how you look and the clothes you wear. Ghosts whose Psi energy is still intact after death probably hold on to some of that information.

1st person to run the Boston Marathon while in outer space: NASA astronaut Sunita Williams aboard the International Space Station. (She ran on a treadmill.) Her time: 4:23:10
.

But ghosts aren’t necessarily shaped like humans. Here’s what one ghost looked like, according to what Auerbach says the ghost actually
told
him:

    A deceased woman who was in constant communication with a young boy (and seen by others, as it happens) said that as far as she knew, she was a ball of energy, of consciousness, though she also said she really didn’t know that “ball” was the right word, since she felt kind of formless. How she pictured herself was how others perceived her—she noted that she was more or less connecting mind-to-mind to the boy (and others), and projecting the idea of her form, clothing, and her voice to him.

HOW CAN GHOSTS MOVE OBJECTS?

Again, it’s all about energy, say parapsychologists. Spirits gain strength by drawing energy from
electromagnetic fields
(EMFs), or concentrations of charged particles in the air. These can be either natural or man-made—emitted by, among other things, electrical appliances, copper wiring, and static in the air on a stormy night. Paranormal investigators have also discovered that reports of ghost activity are more abundant in areas that have high concentrations of limestone, copper, chalk, iron, and rushing water. Why? They act like batteries and create strong EMFs.

Ever heard of
cold spots?
Those are created when a spirit draws heat energy from the air. A room can be 65°F, except for one small area where the temperature is 30° colder. When a spirit obtains enough energy, it can manifest into an apparition, control the air around it, and even move objects, talk, sing, or make footsteps. There are even accounts of ghosts recreating smells like cigarette smoke, flowers, blood, and perfume.

PSEUDO OR SCIENCE?

All these ghostly theories, say skeptics, are just that—theoretical. What concerns skeptics the most is when parapsychologists, ghost hunters, psychics, and laypeople talk about ghosts as if they’re real, even though they offer no scientific proof to back it up. One of the world’s most famous skeptics, James Randi, is a former stage magician who once relied on illusions to entertain, so he knows what it takes to fool people. To prove his point, Randi formed a foundation that sponsors the “One Million Dollar Challenge.” Paid for by donations from scientific and charitable trusts, the prize of $1 million will be awarded to anyone who can prove the existence of the paranormal (ESP or ghosts) in a laboratory setting. “Our $1 million is safe,” maintains Randi. “Believers will insist on believing despite the evidence no matter how strong that is.” He says that skeptics aren’t necessarily out to prove that ghosts
don’t
exist—their goal is to curb the rampant lack of critical thinking among the people who say they do.

Auerbach is one of Randi’s strongest critics…and vice versa. According to Auerbach, no one has won the prize because there’s no possible way of matching Randi’s strict guidelines. Ghosts don’t operate on cue, says Auerbach, and they don’t follow people to labs (mostly).

OCCAM’S RAZOR

A 14th-century English theologian and philosopher named William of Ockham said that when you’re trying to solve a mystery, you first have to “shave off” any unlikely assumptions. That leaves you with the simplest explanation—which is usually the correct one. As it relates to the paranormal, skeptics use what became known as “Occam’s razor” to mean, “If you hear howling in the night, the simplest explanation is that it was the wind.”

“Well, it cuts both ways,” says Michael Schmicker, author of
Best Evidence—an Investigative Reporter’s Three-Year Quest to Uncover the Best Scientific Evidence for ESP, Psychokinesis, and Ghosts.
“If a million people report a ghost, Occam’s razor says that ghosts probably exist. Based on the evidence we have—ghost sightings, deathbed visions, near-death experiences, historical reports from various cultures and eras—Occam’s razor says that consciousness
does
survive death.” That said, skeptics cite numerous simple explanations for phenomena that believers attribute to ghosts:

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Physiological:
A medical condition known as
phantom limb
afflicts amputees who can “feel” a missing appendage, proving that the brain is capable of creating a reality that does not exist in actual life. Joe Nickell, a senior research fellow for the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, says that people create “false realities” all the time. For example, many who claim they’ve seen ghosts often report feeling paralyzed when they wake up and see the apparition in the middle of the night. “This is just sleep paralysis,” he says. Also referred to as a “waking dream,” this occurs when the body is asleep, which causes the paralysis, but the brain is teetering between sleep and consciousness.

People who sense a “presence” in an empty room perceive it as the opposite sex 90% of the time
.

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Environmental:
Temperature and humidity fluctuations cause houses to settle and creak. High EMFs caused by faulty wiring can cause nausea and hallucinations. Mix in low-frequency sound waves, such as the buzz of a fluorescent light, and that can cause people to hear unusual things. The flickering lights themselves cause eye strain and fatigue. These factors, say skeptics, lead to most “sightings.”

In a 2007 case in China, two brothers found a great bargain—a five-story house for $6,500, reduced from $34,000. Why? Strange, ghostly noises echoed through the home, scaring out the previous owners, and the ones before them, going back 10 years. The brothers traced the noises to a pipe and then to an underground stream. The “ghosts” turned out to be catfish splashing. The brothers sold the house for $133,000.

• Psychological:
Either due to wishful thinking or for more nefarious reasons (such as TV ratings), most “hauntings” are fabricated by the witnesses themselves. Nickell concludes his article with, “I’ve investigated haunted houses, inns, theatres, graveyards, lighthouses, castles, old jails, and even office buildings. And I’ve never once found a paranormal explanation.”

CASE CLOSED…RIGHT?

But then a curious thing happens when you go to the comments section following Nickell’s article, which ran on MSNBC’s news site during Halloween 2009: You find post after post saying, “That’s BS; me and my brother saw a ghost at the
same time
for 20 whole seconds!”—or, “Don’t tell me I didn’t watch my remote control fly across the room by itself!” And dozens more.

Despite what the skeptics say, ghost hunters aren’t going to stop hunting for ghosts. For their story, float on over to
page 174
.

Orcas (killer whales), when traveling in groups, breathe in unison
.

THE WEEKLY WILD NEWS

Behold these bizarre animal tales that might seem like sensational tabloid stories…except they’re all real
.

SNAKE WITH FOOT KILLED WITH SHOE!

Suining, China –
Dean Qiongxiu, a 66-year-old woman, was awakened late at night in September 2009 by a strange scratching sound. “I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw.” The monster was a 16-inch snake…that had a tiny foot growing from its belly, complete with a claw. Dean whacked it to death with her shoe. Biologists were unable to determine why the snake had grown a foot.

STONED WALLABIES MAKE CROP CIRCLES!

Tasmania –
“We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite, and hopping around in circles,” said Tasmania’s Attorney-General Lara Giddings in 2009. The dope-loving, kangaroo-like marsupials are having an adverse effect on the country’s opium crop, which is grown for use in legal morphine. In addition to the wallabies, deer and sheep are also getting high after ingesting the poppies—but unlike the wallabies, they only
walk
around in circles, which is less damaging than hopping.

GOAT BOY FRIGHTENS VILLAGERS, POLITICIAN!

Lower Gweru, Zimbabwe –
In 2009 villagers were shocked when a goat gave birth to a…
thing
with the body of a goat but the head of a human baby. The newborn creature was so freakish that even dogs refused to get near it. The “Goat Boy” only lived for a few hours, but fearing that it was evil, the villagers burned the corpse beyond recognition. The province’s governor, Minister Jason Machaya, believes the “abomination” was the result of an illicit affair between a man and a goat. “It is my first time to see such an evil thing,” he said. “It is really embarrassing.” Provincial Veterinary Officer Thomas Sibanda disagreed, stating that our two species are incapable of interbreeding. He theorized that the goat suffered from
hydrocephalus
, or water on the brain, which resulted in a huge, grotesque head.

The average American consumes 7 bottles of liquor, 12 bottles of wine, and 230 cans of beer a year
.

LOITERING CROC ARRESTED, THROWN IN JAIL!

Gunbalanya, Australia –
When a giant female crocodile wandered into this small Northern Territory town in 2009, “She just sat there next to a fence, trying to look innocent,” said officer Adam Russell. He had no choice but to arrest her. “I wanted to jump on her Steve Irwin style, but the rangers wouldn’t let me.” Instead, they bound her jaws shut and hauled her off to the local jail, where she spent three days in a cell before being taken to a croc farm. “She got a bit cranky and started hissing when people came near,” said Russell, “but otherwise she was a model prisoner.”

MUTANT HYBRID-DOG THING BECOMES ROADKILL!

Turner, Maine –
After 15 years of missing pets, sightings of glowing eyes, and mysterious shrieks in the night, in 2006 the reign of terror ended when the creature responsible was found dead on the side of a road. But what was it? “It was evil, evil-looking, like something out of a Stephen King story,” said resident Michelle O’Donnell. “And it had a horrible stench I will never forget.” The creature, described by some as a giant rodent-dog hybrid, has been blamed for killing (among many other things) a Rottweiler. Before wildlife officials could inspect the corpse, however, vultures had eaten most of it. No positive identification was ever made.

GAY PENGUIN GOES STRAIGHT FOR WIDOW NEXT DOOR!

San Francisco, California –
Harry and Pepper were the most controversial pair of the 40 Magellanic penguins at the San Francisco Zoo. The two males paired off in 2003, causing a barrage of antigay protests. But once the furor died down, Harry and Pepper were given an abandoned egg to incubate. “Of all of the parents that year, they were the best,” said zookeeper Anthony Brown. But then in July 2009, Harry left Pepper for Linda, whose mate had recently died. Brown called Linda “conniving,” claiming she had lured Harry away. Whenever Pepper tried to visit his ex-husband, Linda aggressively chased Pepper away. The news of the breakup renewed the controversy: The Christian group OneNewsNow said it proved that “nature prefers heterosexual relationships.” Outspoken gay-rights advocate Wayne Besen disagreed: “There is no ‘ex-gay’ sexual orientation. Harry is simply in denial. The penguin is living what I call the ‘big lie.’”