Toxic Parents (29 page)
Taking Personal Responsibility
Putting the responsibility where it realistically belongs—squarely on your parents—does not give you license to excuse all your self-defeating behaviors by saying, “It was all their fault.” Absolving the child that you were does not in any way absolve the adult you from assuming your responsibilities.
This next list will help you focus on some of those responsibilities as they apply to your relationship with your parents. Say out loud, “As an adult, in relationship to my parents, I am responsible for . . .” and then follow it with each item on the following list:
becoming a separate individual from my parents
looking honestly at my relationship with them
facing the truth about my childhood
having the courage to acknowledge the connections between events of my childhood and my adult life
gaining the courage to express my real feelings to them
confronting and diminishing the power and control that they have over my life, whether they are alive or dead
changing my own behavior when it is cruel, hurtful, critical, or manipulative
finding the appropriate resources to help me heal my inner child
reclaiming my adult power and confidence
It’s important to recognize that the items on this list are goals to strive toward, not things to expect yourself to do overnight. As you work toward these goals, you will have setbacks. You may fall back
on old behaviors and patterns of thinking, and you may even decide to pack it all in. Don’t be discouraged. In fact, you should expect to be thrown off course. This is process, not perfection. Some of these goals may be easier than others, but they are all attainable; you
can
free the child within you from perpetual punishment.
13 | Confrontation: The Road to Independence
A
ll the work you’ve done in the last three chapters—the exercises, the checklists, and gaining understanding of who is really responsible—has been preparing you for confrontation. Confrontation means facing your parents thoughtfully and courageously about your painful past and your difficult present. It is the most frightening and at the same time the most empowering act that you will ever perform.
The process is simple, though not easy. When you are ready, you calmly but firmly tell your parents about the negative events you remember from your childhood. You tell them how those events affected your life and how they affect your relationship with your parents now. You clearly define the aspects of that relationship that are painful and harmful to you now. Then you lay out new ground rules.
The purpose of confrontation with your parents
is not:
to retaliate
to punish them
to put them down
to dump your anger on them
to get something positive back from them
The purpose of confrontation with your parents
is:
to face up to them
to overcome once and for all your fear of facing up to them
to tell your parents the truth
to determine the type of relationship you can have with them from now on
“I
T
W
ON’T
DO A
NY
G
OOD
”
Many people—including some prominent therapists—do not believe in confrontation. Their rationales are quite familiar: “Don’t look backward, look forward”; “It will only cause more stress and anger”; or, “It doesn’t heal wounds, it just reopens them.” These critics simply don’t understand.
It is absolutely true that confrontation may not get your parents to give you the acknowledgment, apology, recognition, or acceptance of responsibility that you seek. It is a rare toxic parent who will respond to a confrontation by saying, “It’s all true, I was terrible to you,” or, “Please forgive me,” or, “What can I do to make it up to you now?”
In fact, just the opposite often occurs: parents deny, claim to have forgotten, project the blame back on their child, and get very angry.
If you have already attempted to confront your parents but were bitterly disappointed by the outcome, you probably gauged the success of your confrontation by whether you got a positive response
from your parents. By using their response as an indicator, you set yourself up for failure. You should
expect
them to react negatively. Remember, you are doing this for yourself, not for them. You should consider your confrontation successful simply because you had the courage to do it.
W
HY
S
HOULD
I C
ONFRONT
M
Y
P
ARENTS
?
I push people very hard to confront toxic parents. I do this for one simple reason: confrontation works. Through the years I’ve seen confrontations make dramatic, positive changes in the lives of thousands of people. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate how frightened people feel when they even think about confronting their parents. The emotional stakes are high. But the mere fact that you’re doing it, that you’re facing what are probably some of your deepest fears, is enough to begin to change the balance of power between you and your parents.
We’re all afraid to face the truth about our parents. We’re all afraid to acknowledge that we didn’t get what we needed from them and that we’re not going to get it now. But the alternative to confrontation is to live with these fears. If you avoid taking positive action on your own behalf, you’re reinforcing your feelings of helplessness and inadequacy, you’re undermining your self-respect.
There’s one more vitally important reason for confrontation:
What you don’t hand back, you pass on.
If you don’t deal with your fear, your guilt, and your anger at your parents, you’re going to take it out on your partner or your children.
W
HEN
S
HOULD
I C
ONFRONT
M
Y
P
ARENTS
?
I urge my clients to carefully consider the timing of the confrontation. You don’t want to shoot from the hip, but neither do you want to postpone the confrontation indefinitely.
When people decide to confront, they usually go through three stages:
I could never do that.
Maybe I’ll do it someday, but not now.
When can I do it?
When I first urge clients to confront their parents, they invariably insist that it’s not right for them. I can usually count on what I call the “anything but that” syndrome. Clients will agree to make any number of other changes as long as they don’t have to confront their parents—anything but that!
I told Glenn—who had problems with timidity and who regretted having taken his alcoholic father into business with him—that he needed to confront his father. He needed either to set limits on his father’s behavior or to get him out of the business altogether. He responded with a classic “anything but that”:
I am not going to confront my father. I know that means I’m being a wimp, but I do
not
want to cause my parents any more pain. I’m sure there are plenty of things I can do instead of confronting my father. I can find a job for him with less pressure where he won’t be in front of my customers as much. I can stop letting him get to me. I can start exercising more to let off steam. I can . . .
I interrupted Glenn: “‘Anything but that,’ right? Anything but the one action that can make a significant difference in your life.”
I told Glenn that much of his irritability and timidity were a direct result of his repressed rage toward his father and his unwillingness to take personal responsibility for confronting his difficulties. I acknowledged that most people respond with “anything but that” early in therapy and assured him that I did not find it discouraging. He simply wasn’t ready. But once we had some time to plan the confrontation and to practice it, I was sure he’d feel more confident.
Glenn had his doubts, but over time he saw several other group members make the decision to confront. All reported back with success stories. Glenn acknowledged that confrontation had worked for these people, but he was quick to add that his situation was different. Without realizing it, Glenn had moved closer to the second stage of his confrontation decision.
In the course of his therapy Glenn worked very hard to learn both nondefensive responses and position statements. He had begun to use both these techniques in business situations and with some of his friends. He was feeling good about it. But the constant stress of the day-to-day relationship with his father and the enormous weight of the unfinished business from his childhood were bogging him down.
About six weeks into group, Glenn told me that he had started thinking about confrontation. For the first time, he admitted that it was a possibility . . . for the future. He had arrived at stage 2. A few weeks later, he asked me when I thought he should do it. Stage
3.
Glenn was hoping I could conjure up some magic itinerary to tell him when his anxiety level would drop enough for him to go through with his confrontation. The truth is, quite often your anxiety level drops only
after
the confrontation. There’s no way to determine a perfect time, you just have to be prepared.
There are four basic requirements you must meet before confronting your parents:
You must feel strong enough to handle your parents’ rejection, denial, blame, anger, or any other negative consequences of confrontation.
You must have a sufficient support system to help you through the anticipation, the confrontation itself, and the aftermath.
You must have written a letter or rehearsed what you want to say, and you must have practiced nondefensive responses.
You must no longer feel responsible for the bad things that happened to you as a child.
This last point is especially important. If you are still carrying the responsibility of the traumas of your childhood, it is too soon to confront. You cannot confront your parents with a responsibility you are not convinced they deserve.
Once you are feeling relatively confident, and you’ve fulfilled the four requirements, there’s no time like the present. Don’t wait.
The anticipation of confrontation is always worse than confrontation itself.
I told Glenn that it was important for him to set a date for his confrontation, hopefully in this century. He needed to give himself a tangible goal to work toward. That work, I told him, would include extensive rehearsals to prepare himself for the most important performance of his life.
How Do I Confront My Parents?
Confrontation can be done either face-to-face or by letter. You will notice that I do not include the telephone as an option. While it may seem safe, confrontation by phone is almost always ineffective. It’s too easy for your parents to hang up. In addition, the telephone is “artificial”; it makes true emotional expression very difficult. If your parents are in another city and it is not practical for them to come to you or for you to go to them, write to them.
L
ETTER
W
RITING
I am a big advocate of writing as a therapeutic technique. A letter provides a wonderful opportunity to organize what you want to say and to rework it until you’re satisfied. It gives the recipient a chance to read it over more than once and to reflect on the contents. A letter is also safer if you’re dealing with a potentially violent parent. Confrontation is important, but it’s never worth risking physical assault.
Always write a separate letter to each parent. Even if some of the
issues are the same, your relationship with and your feelings for each parent are different. Write your first letter to the parent you think is the more toxic or abusive. Those feelings will be closer to the surface, more easily tapped. Once you have opened the floodgates by writing the first letter—assuming both your parents are alive—your feelings toward the other parent will flow more easily. In your second letter, you can confront the more benign of your parents with his or her passivity and lack of protection.
A confrontation by letter works exactly like one done in person. Both begin with the words: “I am going to say some things to you I have never said before” and both should cover four major points:
This is what you did to me.
This is how I felt about it at the time.
This is how it affected my life.
This is what I want from you now.
I have found that these four points provide a solid, focused base for all confrontations. This structure generally covers everything you need to say and will help prevent your confrontation from becoming scattered and ineffective.
Carol—whose father continually taunted her about smelling bad—decided she felt ready to confront her parents at a time when a large decorating job prevented her from going East to do it face-to-face. I assured her she could have an effective confrontation by letter. I suggested that she write the letter at home, during a quiet time, with the phone off the hook to prevent interruption.