Toxic Parents
Who are toxic parents?
The Inadequate Parents:
Constantly focusing on their own problems, they turn their children into “mini-adults” who take care of them.
The Controllers:
They use guilt, manipulation, and even overhelpfulness to direct their children’s lives.
The Alcoholics:
Mired in denial and chaotic mood swings, their addiction leaves little time or energy for the demands of parenthood.
The Verbal Abusers:
Whether overtly abusive or subtly sarcastic, they demoralize their children with constant put-downs and rob them of their self-confidence.
The Physical Abusers:
Incapable of controlling their own deep-seated rage, they often blame their children for their own ungovernable behavior.
The Sexual Abusers:
Whether flagrantly sexual or covertly seductive, they are the ultimate betrayers, destroying the very heart of childhood—its innocence.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A CHILD—BUT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!
Other Books by This Author
Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go
When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and
Betrayal
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Money Demons
Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation
For my children
Acknowledgments
Many people made significant contributions to this work:
Craig Buck, a dedicated and talented writer, gave form to the story I wanted to tell.
Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., a gifted therapist, gave unstintingly of her time, her knowledge, and her support. She is also the most loyal friend anyone could have.
Marty Farash, M.F.C.C., was tremendously generous with his expertise in family systems.
My wonderful editor, Toni Burbank, was, as always, insightful, sensitive, and understanding. I couldn’t have asked for a calmer guide through my stormier creative moments.
Linda Grey, President and Publisher of Bantam Books who believed in me and my work from the beginning.
My gratitude is endless to the clients, friends, and others who trusted me with their most intimate feelings and secrets so that other people could be helped. I cannot name them, but they know who they are.
My children, Wendy and Matt, and my friends—especially Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, Jeanne Phillips, Basil Anderman, Lynn Fischer, and Madeline Cain—are my personal rooting section, and I love them all dearly.
My stepfather, Ken Peterson, for his encouragement and many kindnesses to me.
And finally, I want to thank my mother, Harriet Peterson, for her love and support and for having the courage to change.
Contents
PART 1.
TOXIC PARENTS
1.
Godlike Parents
—The Myth of the Perfect Parent
2.
“Just Because You Didn’t Mean It Doesn’t Mean It Didn’t Hurt”
—The Inadequate Parents
3.
“Why Can’t They Let Me Live My Own Life?”
—The Controllers
4.
“No One in This Family Is an Alcoholic”
—The Alcoholics
5.
The Bruises Are All on the Inside
—The Verbal Abusers
6.
Sometimes the Bruises Are on the Outside, Too
—The Physical Abusers
7.
The Ultimate Betrayal
—The Sexual Abusers
8.
Why Do Parents Behave This Way?
—The Family System
PART 2.
RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE
10.
“I’m a Grown-up. Why Don’t I Feel Like One?”
11.
The Beginnings of Self-Definition
13.
Confrontation: The Road to Independence
Epilogue—Letting Go of the Struggle
Excerpt from Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
Introduction
Sure, my father used to hit me, but he only did it to keep me in line. I don’t see what that has to do with my marriage falling apart.
—Gordon
G
ordon, 38, a successful orthopedic surgeon, came to see me when his wife of six years left him. He was desperate to get her back, but she told him she wouldn’t even consider coming home until he sought help for his uncontrollable temper. She was frightened by his sudden outbursts and worn down by his relentless criticism. Gordon knew he had a hot temper and that he could be a nag, but still he was shocked when his wife walked out.
I asked Gordon to tell me about himself and guided him with a few questions as he talked. When I asked him about his parents, he smiled and painted a glowing picture, especially of his father, a distinguished midwestern cardiologist:
If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have become a doctor. He’s the best. His patients all think he’s a saint.
I asked him what his relationship with his father was like now. He laughed nervously and said:
It was great … until I told him I was thinking about going into holistic medicine. You’d think I wanted to be a mass murderer. I told him about three months ago, and now every time we talk he starts ranting about how he didn’t send me to medical school to become a faith healer. It really got bad yesterday. He got upset and told me I should forget I was ever a part of his family. That really hurt. I don’t know. Maybe holistic medicine isn’t such a good idea.
While Gordon was describing his father, who was obviously not as wonderful as Gordon would have liked me to believe, I noticed that he began to clasp and unclasp his hands in a very agitated way. When he caught himself doing this, he restrained himself by placing his fingertips together in the way that professors often do at their desks. It seemed a gesture he might have picked up from his father.
I asked Gordon whether his father had always been so tyrannical.
No, not really. I mean, he yelled and screamed a lot, and I got spanked once in a while, like any other kid. But I wouldn’t call him a tyrant.
Something about the way he said the word
spanked
, some subtle emotional change in his voice, struck me. I asked him about it. It turned out that his father had “spanked” him two or three times a week with a belt! It hadn’t taken much for Gordon to incur a beating: a defiant word, a below-par report card, or a forgotten chore were all sufficiently venal “crimes.” Nor was Gordon’s father particular
about where he beat his child; Gordon recalled being beaten on his back, his legs, his arms, his hands, and his buttocks. I asked Gordon how badly his father had physically hurt him.
GORDON:
I didn’t bleed or anything. I mean, I turned out okay. He just needed to keep me in line.
SUSAN:
But you were scared of him, weren’t you?
GORDON:
I was scared to death, but isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be with parents?
SUSAN:
Gordon, is that how you’d want your children to feel about you?
Gordon avoided my eyes. This was making him extremely uncomfortable. I pulled my chair closer and continued gently:
Your wife is a pediatrician. If she saw a child in her office with the same marks on his body that you had on yours from one of your father’s “spankings,” would she be required by law to report it to the authorities?
Gordon didn’t have to answer. His eyes filled with tears at the realization. He whispered:
I’m getting a terrible knot in my stomach.
Gordon’s defenses were down. Though he was in terrible emotional pain, he had uncovered, for the first time, the primary, long-hidden source of his temper. He had been containing a volcano of anger against his father since childhood, and whenever the pressure got too great, he would erupt at whoever was handy, usually his wife. I knew what we had to do: acknowledge and heal the battered little boy inside of him.
When I got home that evening, I found myself still thinking about Gordon. I kept seeing his eyes fill with tears as he realized how he had been mistreated. I thought about the thousands of
adult men and women with whom I had worked whose daily lives were being influenced—even controlled—by patterns set during childhood by emotionally destructive parents. I realized there must be millions more who had no idea why their lives weren’t working, yet who could be helped. That’s when I decided to write this book.
Why Look Back?
Gordon’s story is not unusual. I’ve seen thousands of patients in my eighteen years as a therapist, both in private practice and in hospital groups, and a solid majority have suffered a damaged sense of self-worth because a parent had regularly hit them, or criticized them, or “joked” about how stupid or ugly or unwanted they were, or overwhelmed them with guilt, or sexually abused them, or forced too much responsibility on them, or desperately overprotected them. Like Gordon, few of these people made the connection between their parents and their problems. This is a common emotional blind spot. People simply have trouble seeing that their relationship with their parents has a major impact on their lives.
Therapeutic trends, which used to rely heavily on the analysis of early life experiences, have moved away from the “then” and into the “here and now.” The emphasis has shifted to examining and changing current behavior, relationships, and functioning. I believe this shift is due to clients’ rejection of the enormous amounts of time and money required for many traditional therapies, often for minimal results.
I am a great believer in short-term therapy that focuses on changing destructive behavior patterns. But my experience has taught me that it is not enough to treat the symptoms; you must also deal with the sources of those symptoms. Therapy is most effective when it proceeds down a double track: both changing current self-defeating behavior and disconnecting from the traumas of the past.
Gordon had to learn techniques to control his anger, but in order to make permanent changes, ones that would stand up under
stress, he also had to go back and deal with the pain of his childhood.
Our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us—seeds that grow as we do. In some families, these are seeds of love, respect, and independence. But in many others, they are seeds of fear, obligation, or guilt.
If you belong to this second group, this book is for you. As you grew into adulthood, these seeds grew into invisible weeds that invaded your life in ways you never dreamed of. Their tendrils may have harmed your relationships, your career, or your family; they have certainly undermined your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I’m going to help you find those weeds and root them out.
What Is a Toxic Parent?
All parents are deficient from time to time. I made some terrible mistakes with my children, which caused them (and me) considerable pain. No parent can be emotionally available all the time. It’s perfectly normal for parents to yell at their children once in a while. All parents occasionally become too controlling. And most parents spank their children, even if rarely. Do these lapses make them cruel or unsuitable parents?
Of course not. Parents are only human, and have plenty of problems of their own. And most children can deal with an occasional outburst of anger as long as they have plenty of love and understanding to counter it.