To Love and Protect (38 page)

“Oh,” she stood and took a deep breath.
 
A snowflake danced through the air, landing gently on her nose where it melted.

“The room needs to clear a bit.”

“I tried to open a window, but it was stuck.”
 
She watched as Justin moved to the windows and began to open them with little effort.
 
It aggravated her the way that men could so easily fix something when it involved physical strength.
 
She didn’t know if anything would ever be as easily fixed between her and Justin again.
 
She looked down and saw two water filled buckets standing outside the door.
 
“I think I would like to get cleaned up.
 
Are there any clean clothes I can put on?” she asked moving inside with one of the buckets, not waiting for his reply.

***

 
Justin paced back and forth as he listened to the water sloshing as Clarissa bathed.
 
He tried not to picture her beautiful nude body just a few feet away.
 
He even walked outside on the pretense of checking on the horses, hoping that his body would cool off.
 
As Justin approached the house, he made the mistake of looking at the window.
 
The frame silhouetted her body and gave the illusion of a live erotic painting.
 
Once more he turned and walked away from the house.

Almost an hour later and a cold dip in the river, he returned to the lodge, once more in control of his body.
 
At least, he hoped he was.
 
The sight that met him as he entered the lodge had him coming to an abrupt halt.
 
Clarissa’ long locks had been shorn off into soft curls that fell barely below her shoulders.
 
It was definitely not the fashion, but once she returned to London every girl would be vying to copy the look.

“What did you do?” he asked, knowing how dumb the question sounded.
 
The evidence sat calmly in front of him, but he still had to ask.

“I could not very well travel under the guise of a boy with golden ringlets falling to my waist could I?”

“Very well.
 
What in bloody hell were you thinking?
 
Why did you leave without a word as to where you were going?”

“I left a note.”

“To.
 
My.
 
Grandmother.”
 
Clarissa tried not to flinch at the anger behind his words.
 
“Dammit, Clarissa, we were supposed to marry.
 
Could you not have written to me?
 
Could you not have spoken to me?”

“You’re part of the problem.”
 
The words escaped before she could stop them.
 
She watched the hurt cross his face, but refused to call them back.

“I see.”

“You don’t.
 
You just say that you do.
 
Justin, you are sweet and kind, but have you ever once truly told me what you think?”
 
She watched as he paused.
 
“Well, I’m telling you.
 
When you told your sister what you did,” she held up her hand to halt the words he was about to speak, “I took those words to heart.”

“I wanted to impress on Meggy the error of her judgment.”

“I know that.
 
But you said it in anger.
 
Often, words spoken in anger are truer than any other word.
 
Can you honestly tell me that you can look at a woman who lets a man take liberties and not think poorly of her?”
 
Justin remained silent.
 
“What do people see when they look at me?
 
Am I just another harlot who has given herself to a man before marriage?”

“Do not speak of yourself that way.”

Clarissa walked to the window and watched the snow swirl outside.
 
She rested her head on the window, letting the coolness seep into her heated flesh.
 
“I left for many reasons.
 
I need to return to London.
 
I want to see Aunt Gertie.
 
I have to stop Lorraine.
 
I had to get away from your family.”

“So now you don’t just hate me, but also my family?”

“When I fell ill, I lied to your mother and grandmother.”

“How could you have lied?
 
You couldn’t even talk.”

“They asked me if there could be a child.
 
Your grandmother was afraid of the added risk with my health.
 
And I let them know that there was nothing to worry about.”

“What are you saying?”

“I could be carrying your child.”
 
She watched Justin’s reflection in the mirror.
 
Clarissa had not been certain what to expect from him, but it was definitely not the anger that she saw permeating.
 
“I haven’t had my courses,” she said, embarrassed, “but I’m certain it is stress.”

“That didn’t take long.”

“What are you talking about?” She whirled around to face him.
 

“Did you plan this Clarissa?
 
Is this your way of securing the fortune your father has put into trust for you?
 
Has all this just been an act to secure my part in this whole affair?”

“You are not making any sense.
 
You are the one that made the agreement with Papa.
 
Let me see if I can remember exactly how I heard it put, oh yes, ‘It’s amazing what a man will do for a little extra blunt and an heir or two.’”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I heard the maids talking about you and my father’s private conversations.”

“They must have not stuck around long enough to hear me tell him he could go to Hell.”

“Please, Justin, at least be truthful with me.”

“Fine, I told your father I would try to get you to marry me, but that is all I wanted.
 
Not your damn money.
 
And I want to marry you because I…”

“I know.
 
You care about me.
 
I’m not arguing with you.”

“And what about this new development?” Justin asked waving towards her.
 
“Did you and Gertie and your father have this whole thing planned from the beginning?
 
You all must believe I am a real chump.
 
You knew I would be forced to marry you if you became pregnant.
 
Damn you, Clare.”

“What is your problem?
 
You were fine with marrying me before.”

“That was before I knew you were using me for stud services,” he replied harshly.

“It’s not like that.”

“The hell it’s not.
 
That’s all you ever talked about.
 
You almost had me convinced that you would do anything to not fulfill your father’s stipulations.
 
But it has all been a lie hasn’t it, Clare?
 
Are you truly pregnant or is this another stunt?”

“Stunt?”

“Like you running away.”

“No.
 
I did not want your mother and grandmother to think badly of me, and I truly had not considered it until they asked me.”

“Grandmother asked you for a reason.
 
Sometimes treatments can cause miscarriages or even death.
 
I can’t believe you were selfish enough to risk an innocent life over what people think of you.”

“You make me sound like a horrible, heartless woman.
 
Besides, I don’t know for certain I even am carrying your child.
 
We should wait until we know for certain.”

“As soon as the weather clears, we will be married over the anvil,” he began as if she had never spoken.
 
“I don’t give a damn what you think at this point.
 
But I do have a few stipulations.”

“And these are?” she queried, lifting her chin defiantly.

“You will not be involved in apprehending Franklin and his villainous wife.
 
We will return to London as soon as the roads are passable.
 
Once in London, you will only visit Gertie if she comes to our house.
 
You will not leave the house without a chaperone, which should not be too difficult once you reach your confinement.”

“Will that be all, my lord?” she asked caustically.

“One more thing, our marriage will be real in every sense of the word.”

“I don’t think that would be wise.”

“Oh, I didn’t say it would be wise, but it’ll be enjoyable,” and he pulled her against him capturing her mouth in a deep, penetrating kiss that made her heart pound in her ears.
 
She fought his embrace until her struggles turned into moans of excitement.
 
She felt herself being lifted into the air and carried through the lodge.

“I hate you,” she whispered as she pulled away from his lips.

“I’m sure you do,” he replied before tearing the covers off the bed and dropping her in the middle.
 
She scrambled to reach the side, but he grabbed her and quickly covered her body with his.
 
“Now I’m going to show you how I feel about you,” he growled seductively before obliterating all thoughts of hate from her mind.

***

Clarissa was awakened several times during the night to Justin’s tender lovemaking.
 
He had been considerate and thorough, but she knew he held back a part of himself.
 
She knew she had hurt him, but he had hurt her as well.
 
Curled on her side, facing away from him and watching as the snow continued to fall in the morning sky, she considered all the twists and turns her life had recently taken.
 
Of all of them, the possibility of being pregnant had her the most worried.

 
She did not even allow herself to acknowledge the possibility until the words slipped out in her argument with Justin.
 
He thought her horrible, but not horrible enough to not lie with.
 
She felt his hand resting on her lower abdomen and his chest cradling her back.
 
Clarissa stiffened and tried to put as much space between them as possible.
 

Was she truly pregnant?
 
Her courses were fairly regular and were only a few days late.
 
Surely it is stress
, she thought.
 
A baby.
 
This was something she was not prepared for.
 
Gertie had not had any children and would not be any help in what to do and what not to do.
 
Her mother had died in childbirth.
 
She felt her heart begin to race.
 
Mother had only survived one birth.
 
Had she inherited the same difficulty birthing children her mother had?
 
A fine tremor racked her body, and a lone tear escaped down her cheek.
 
She quickly brushed it away, refusing to let any more fall.
 
Justin may not like her right now, and she might despise him, but she did not want to die.
 
If only she could talk to him.
 
But he did not want to talk to her.
 
He only wanted to slake his lust with her.
 
She curled herself into a ball and fought the tears that eventually won.

***

Justin felt the silent tremors wrack her petite frame.
 
Was she crying because of the situation they now found themselves in?
 
What reason did she have to cry?
 
She would soon meet all the stipulations of the trust and be a very rich woman, with a month or two to spare.
 
He forced himself to stay relaxed and act as if he still slept.

One eye twitched open to lazily peruse the woman lying against him.
 
He had to admit that her hair was just as beautiful as it had been when it reached her waist.
 
He also found it more convenient since his hands did not become ensnared in the strands when it was this length.
 
He almost lifted his hand to run his fingers through the golden curls but stopped himself.
 
Justin hoped to lay still long enough to try to figure out what had her so upset.

He didn’t think it was the upcoming marriage.
 
They had already planned that, in all honesty.
 
He had not treated her roughly during the night.
 
In fact, he had been exquisitely tender.
 
It would have been better if Clarissa’s actions had made him feel a violent change of emotions.
 
Instead he felt sad and confused.
 
He had truly thought they meant more to each other, but he must have been wrong.

“Mamma,” he heard her moan very softly between her sobs.

She cried for her mother?
 
Something her father had said to him when they sat in the hallway outside her door after her collapse pricked his mind.
 
Clarissa’s mother had died in childbirth.
 
A cold sweat broke out over his body.
 
Had Clarissa inherited her mother’s frail constitution when it came to childbirth?
 
Should they even make the journey to London?
 
Grams was the best midwife in Scotland.
 
Dear Lord, he couldn’t lose her.
 
He knew they were not of like mind at the moment, but he could not imagine a world without her.

He wanted to pull her close, to hold her against him and calm her tears.
 
But who would calm him?
 
Who would tell him all would be well?
 
Who would tell him that he wouldn’t lose her before their lives together had begun?
 
He had a lot to atone for, he knew that, but at the same time, so did she.
 
Could they meet in the middle before it was too late?
 
He could not stand the impotent feeling anymore.
 
Leaving the bed, he quickly dressed and left the room.
 
Her cries chased him as if they were the hounds of Hell.